by Laney Webber
The woman was in her late fifties early sixties, Jannika guessed, about her mother’s age or so. She felt the reporter watching her as she motioned for the woman to follow her down the aisle of books.
“I used to read a lot,” the woman said. “That was before Sally died. We were very close. I just can’t seem to follow the story in any of the books I usually read. A friend said you might understand. Sally and I…lived together.”
Jannika’s heart softened as she looked at the woman. “That’s very common after such a big loss. But you want to read?”
“Yes, if I can follow the story. It’s a comfort for me.”
“Hmm, I am pretty sure I have something for you. Have you ever read this series?” She pulled a book from the shelf. “They’re set in a small town. It’s very light, no surprises.”
“Oh, you know what?” The woman’s face brightened a bit. “I read the first two of these a long time ago and forgot the name of the author. I forgot all about them. Yes, these look perfect.”
“I think we have the whole series there, maybe some duplicates too. I’ll be right back—I have an idea for another book,” Jannika said.
She walked to the front of the store and the large low bookcase in back of her desk. Her eyes scanned titles and she reached in for the slim volume. When she got up and turned around the woman was at the desk with three of the series titles. Jannika handed the woman the little book.
Jannika lowered her voice so the reporter wouldn’t hear. “This is one of the best books I’ve read about living after losing someone—Another Path. Gladys Taber, the author, lived in New England. It’s pretty old, but it’s a great book about living after any kind of loss.”
Jannika passed the little book across the desk and the woman’s shoulders relaxed a little and her face softened. She whispered a thank you to Jannika and put the books on the desk. The reporter was sitting in a chair by the coffee counter, fingers flying as she typed on her tablet. Jannika wished she would go away. She finished with that customer as a smiling couple came arm in arm into the store.
“Jannika?” the man said.
“Hi, there,” Jannika said and waved.
“You probably don’t remember me. I was in town on business about eight months ago and stopped in for something to read.”
“I hope it was a good read,” Jannika said, smiling. She didn’t remember him at all.
“You gave me three books with very stern instructions to read all three. Not two, but three.” He smiled.
“I do remember now.” Jannika nodded her head. “How are things?”
“I…we came by to invite you to our wedding.” The man’s grin looked like it might jump right off his face. “After I read those books, I knew exactly what I had to do. Those stories gave me the courage to ask this wonderful woman to marry me. And she said yes.”
“I am so happy for you.” Jannika shook the man’s hand and the woman’s hand and congratulated them. She was genuinely happy but felt self-conscious with the reporter in the store.
“We made a special trip up so I could show Lily the store and introduce you, and we want to send you an invitation. We hope you’ll come.”
“Thanks so much.” Jannika used to be uncomfortable when people thanked her after they read a book she recommended. Especially if they brought her in a little gift or wrote her a card. When she was younger she’d thought she was the only person that books and stories mattered to so deeply. They’d helped her through her childhood, job losses, disagreements with friends, and heartbreak. Books had inspired her, healed her, and given her the courage to try new things. She’d learned to accept the small gifts and notes of thanks with gratitude and the knowledge that books mattered profoundly to other people too.
“We’re going to poke around. I don’t need any recommendations today,” the man said. He took his fiancée’s hand and led her down an aisle.
“Is this what it’s like in here every day?” Maggie the reporter asked.
“Usually. Sometimes it’s a little busier and sometimes a little slower, but yeah, this is what it’s like,” Jannika said.
“I think I got plenty here for the piece. But I don’t have a photo. Do you suppose the happy couple might want their picture taken with you? I’d send them a copy.”
“They might like that—I’ll go ask them,” Jannika said.
They were eager to have their picture taken with Jannika and wanted to talk with the reporter. All three left together, chatting.
Finally, there were just a couple of customers still in the store, two of them reading and one browsing. She picked up the store phone and dialed Joe Bosworth’s number. She expected it to go direct to voicemail as usual, but he picked up on the fifth ring.
“Hi, sunshine! Joe Bosworth here.”
“Hi, Joe, I need to ask you something.”
“Sunshine, I only have a few minutes before Evelyn and I jump on a plane. I’m glad you called. There’s something I want to talk to you about,” Joe said cheerfully.
“Sure, what’s up?” Jannika asked.
“Jannika, I won’t beat around the bush. I’m going to sell the store.”
“Sell the store?” Jannika’s stomach dropped. What Gunnie had heard was true. The floor seemed to disappear under her feet.
“Yes. I’m buying a fishing boat in Florida. Going to do charter fishing trips. Hire a captain, the whole bit. Isn’t it exciting?”
Jannika felt the color drain from her face.
“Oh…well…when is this going to happen?” Jannika felt her throat tighten. Not her store. She couldn’t lose her store. One by one the future losses bubbled up in her mind. Everything she’d tried so hard not to think about ever since she heard the gossip. Her book groups, Sarah, her customers, the Purple Tent ladies, the books, the other shop owners, her new life. Her stomach turned and she felt queasy.
“I’m going to put things in motion as soon as we get back from Florida, next month. We won’t close right away—we’ll need to take inventory, then put it on the market and see if we get any bites. I say it will take a month to get organized, then she’ll go up for sale. Bon voyage. Get it? Hey, what did you want to ask me?”
“I wanted to ask about the store. But now I know.” She sat down. Her hands were trembling.
“Hey, sunshine, sorry to cut this short, but I have to run. We’ll talk more when I get back. Bye, now!”
“Wait, but—” Jannika said to dead air. Joe had already ended the call. She needed to talk to someone about this. Jannika got her cell phone out of her pocket and called Aunt Gunnie.
This is Gunilla Johnson. If you’re hearing this message I am either asleep or out somewhere havin’ fun. Call me back. I don’t like returning messages unless it’s an emergency.
“Damn it,” she whispered.
An hour later, the store was finally quiet, with one lone reader left in the back. Probably just a lull, but she appreciated the break. Her phone chimed a text. She scanned the screen—Marcy.
The parents love you I’m sure. Was there romance on the mountaintop? Can’t wait to tell you about my Thanksgiving…with Amy…and both of my PARENTS.
She replied, Big story. Too big. Can you call me?
Sure.
Two seconds later, her phone played a cha-cha, Marcy’s ringtone.
“It’s been crazy busy here today. If any customers come, I’ll have to let you go.”
“Righty-o. I know the drill,” Marcy said.
She quietly filled Marcy in on her Thanksgiving with Lee, and Joe Bosworth’s phone call.
“Jeez, Nick, I don’t know what to say. You were having the best Thanksgiving of your life, and you left? Your boss is selling the store? Since when? How are you? That’s probably a stupid question.”
Jannika waved at the last customer as he was leaving the store.
“I got really overwhelmed by the big family, and Lee, and everything, and I told Lee I needed a break. I need to figure some stuff out. Aunt Gunnie and I had a good talk
after we left, and I finally called Joe Bosworth to see if the rumors were true, and they are. He’s selling the store.” Future scenarios were flipping like flashcards through her mind. Jannika working at the local drugstore. Jannika homeless. Jannika moving back with her mother. Jannika getting in her car and driving and driving…
“I love how you always say Joe Bosworth like he’s a company or something. Should I push you about Lee or let it be right now?”
“Are you driving? You sound like you’re in the car. I need to get away and be by myself and come up with a plan, figure out how I feel.”
“Not driving, but I’m in the car. Do you want to be away, away? I can check with my mom and see if the cabin is free this weekend. I think everyone has plans at other places.”
“I feel like everything is falling apart, like, in pieces. Like I’m in pieces. Like I touch things and they shatter.”
“Hey, hey, I think you are getting way ahead of yourself there, kiddo. You know what I think?”
“What?”
“If you’re still at the store, close early, pick up some food, feed yourself, and go to bed. But at least text Lee and let her know you’re okay. You don’t have to do anything for the rest of the day. No decisions, no confrontations. Just take care of Nick. Okay? I’ll get in touch with my mom tonight and find out about the cabin.”
“You’re a smarty-pants.”
“You’ll be okay.”
“Will I?” Jannika did not feel like things would be okay. She felt like the ground beneath her feet had shifted and she was staring into an open hole.
“No matter what happens, I know you’ll be okay.”
“Thanks, Marce, that helps. My store—what am I going to do?”
“Nothing tonight. Promise me. Please go home and take care of you and get some shut-eye.”
“I will. How did your holiday go, with Amy and your parents?”
“They were gracious and actually seemed warm, which is amazing. Especially my…” Jannika read the hesitation in Marcy’s silence. “My dad. After Amy left, my dad had a little talk with me about how he’s concerned about how the lesbo daughter and her girlfriend might look, and he hoped it didn’t affect business. I took a deep breath and was going to plow into him, but my mom saved the day. She was incredible.” Marcy hesitated again. “She reminded him that we have quite a few gay and lesbian employees and what it will mean to them and their families to know that their workplace is welcoming. Then she winked at me and said she had been doing her homework and was learning the lingo. She actually said lingo.”
Jannika laughed as tears slid over her cheeks and dripped onto her shirt. Maybe sometimes broken things could be fixed. Maybe always planning for the worst possible outcome was no longer protecting her heart, but preventing her from finding happiness. Maybe.
Chapter Twenty-four
The next morning, Jannika tried to concentrate on her work, but her eyes welled up when she looked at anything in the store. Sarah did most of the customer service work. Jannika worked at the computer, entering books into their inventory system. That was the first thing Joe Bosworth said he’d do before he sold the store—take inventory of everything. She clenched her teeth.
“Sarah, could you come here a minute?”
“Be right there, boss.”
She heard some shuffling at the back of the store and Sarah sprinted up the women’s fiction/mystery aisle.
“Sarah, I know there’s a lot going on here. If I can get you some help, would you be okay picking up a few extra hours and running the store for me for a few days? I really need to get away and do some heavy-duty thinking.”
Sarah peered at her so sharply that Jannika started to feel a little weird. “You know, I can’t feel your usual energy wavelets ever since you came back after Thanksgiving with Lee. I know something’s wrong. If I can help you by running the store for you, then that’s how the universe is wanting me to help. The universe spreads out the choices in front of me and lets me decide.” Sarah brought her hands out in front of her and opened her arms wide.
“Thanks, and I can’t talk about it right now. I’m going to call Vicki and Linda. I think Vicki is home most days now. Would you be okay with that?”
“She’s a little intense, but it’s okay. I’ll bring her some valerian tea and that might help. Where are you going?”
“I’m hoping to go up to Marcy’s cabin for a few days,” Jannika said.
“Nature is our mother-healer.”
“Thanks, Sarah.” She phoned Vicki, and she was available and happy to help. She heard Linda in the background and thought she sounded pretty happy about Vicki being out of the house too.
Jannika continued working on returning phone calls from people who wanted to trade books for store credit, a practice she was phasing out because it was an administrative nightmare. Now if someone brought in really great books, she might give them a gift certificate to the store, but only if the books were exceptional and she knew they would sell within a few months.
She grabbed her Fairlee Diner coffee mug from the shelf behind her and plugged in the electric tea kettle. She decided on Earl Grey and plopped the tea bag in her mug. As the water heated, she looked out the window that faced Main Street. Her body felt numb. No racing heart. No sweaty palms. Her thoughts and feelings seemed buried in mud. She needed time alone to uncover them and sort through things.
She texted Lee: Sorry I haven’t called. Just heard boss is selling the store for sure. I’m going to get away for a few days. Lots to think about. I’ll let you know when I’m coming back, but I need some time alone to sort things out.
A few minutes later, Lee replied, Thanks for letting me know. I’m so sorry about the store. Please let me know if you need anything. Anything at all.
Jannika’s phone did the cha-cha.
“Hey, tall Swedish babe. I found out about the cabin.”
“Thanks for trying to make me smile,” she replied. Marcy really was the best.
“You can use the cabin. Mom said it’s available the next ten days.” Silence on the line, then, “Maybe I could get away for a few days and go up there with you.”
“Thanks, Marce, but I need to have some space to figure out how I’m feeling and what I’m going to do. And I love you, but I need to do this alone.”
“Are you okay to be alone up at the cabin? I know you know the area, we went there enough times hiking and getting our lesbian legs in shape to chase women.”
“Yup.”
“It’s that bad? I thought I’d at least get a chuckle or a sarcastic reply.”
“Sorry, my head is someplace else. Do I need to bring anything besides bedding and food? I’ve got store coverage for five days, if that’s okay.”
“You need more help? I’m at the ready. Dad can spare me for a few days. I don’t know the books real well, but I can chat up almost anyone.”
“Yes, you can. Thanks, but Vicki’s covering. She’s filled in once before.”
“Vicki? My friend Vicki the trash mouth is going to run your store? You chose her over me? No, we can at least share the wealth. Vicki for two days, then I’ll take three. We’ll let Sarah boss us around. Well, I will, anyway.”
“I know you’re busy at work and with Amy.” Part of Jannika felt like she was abandoning her store and imposing on her friends, but she knew she needed time and space to get clear about things and was grateful for the cabin and her friends.
“It’s done. I’ll let Vicki know. And do I have permission to fire her if she alienates all the customers?”
“Marcy Barclay, I love you.” This must be what it felt like to have a sister.
“Love you too, kiddo. I still know the drill from the weekend I helped Sarah out, plus she’ll be there, right? We’ll keep the ship afloat for you. But promise me something, Nick, okay?”
“Sure, what?”
“If you start feeling creepy up there or lonesome or sick or anything, text me. We have a good signal up there, and you know me, phone
is on my hip twenty-four-seven. Or close to my hip, anyways.”
“Promise.”
“And no hiking alone up in the sticks this time of year. Stay on the path in that little ridge by the pines on the hill out back. There’s good cell service on the ridge, but you’re still in the woods. And wear some color—it’s still hunting season.”
“Got it. Promise number two.”
“Take care of yourself, Nick. You’ll get to the other side of this.”
“I hope so.”
***
She spent her first day at the cabin putting away groceries and fixing up the little bedroom off the kitchen with her reading light, favorite sheets, and the paisley patchwork quilt Aunt Gunnie made her when she was thirteen. She brought it out when she needed to feel close to her aunt. She needed some of her strength now. The first night she cried and took a bath and cried some more.
In the morning of the second day, she brought in wood for the woodstove. She kept bringing in wood until her arms felt like two pieces of oak. She stacked the wood near the stove and along the living room wall and over by the front door. She stacked it in the kitchen and in the back hallway outside the bedroom she was using. The repetitive physicality of hauling wood from the woodshed to the house, and the stillness of the little cabin in the snow, quieted Jannika’s mind and her heart.
At night she sat by the woodstove with a crocheted afghan she found in the bedroom closet and a spiral-bound notebook. She drew columns. She made lists. She thought if she could map out a plan for her future after the store, she could sort out her feelings for Lee. But every idea brought her back to Lee. She tried to sort through her emotions, examining each one like she would pages in an old book in Edgar’s store.
She’d asked Edgar once why he put so much time and money into repairing books that no one might buy. He told her he did it because he loved the books. Love is always unquestionably worth it, my dear.
After lunch on the third day, she found a pair of snowshoes and some ski poles in the back hallway, along with a blaze orange hat and gloves, and decided to give snowshoes a try again after all these years. All the summer and fall hikes with Marcy paid off as she lifted her snowshoe-clad feet and felt the stretch along her glutes. She made her way through the small field in back of the cabin and found the trail that wound its way through the pine trees and up a hill.