Rules for Vanishing

by Kate Alice Marshall

  I was sick. Sick with dread and with sorrow, curled on my bed with a fist against my stomach and nausea making me shudder. I survived the next few weeks and months in a haze. If my mom hadn’t been reminding me to eat and shower and go to school, I would have just stayed in bed. Waiting for Becca to come home.

  “I didn’t want to respond to ‘you ok’ when you hadn’t even bothered to sit by me at lunch for a year,” I snap. “Look, I get it. We were friends when we were kids. High school’s different. You’ve got new friends, and you don’t need a weird loser hanging around.”

  “You’re not weird.”

  “You’re in the minority with that opinion.”

  “Oh, come on, Sara. You can’t blame people for thinking it. You barely talk to anyone anymore. You don’t wear anything but black. Everyone knows that you go out in the woods by yourself all the time, and you’re obsessed with the whole Lucy Gallows thing.”

  “I don’t care what anyone thinks about how I dress. And I only care about Lucy Gallows because Becca did. She was looking for her.”

  “I know,” Anthony says. The bitterness in his voice surprises me. He looks away. “She wanted me to help. She said—she said she could hear her. Lucy. She said she was dreaming about her, but I didn’t believe her. I told her they were just dreams.”

  “Zach believed her,” I say, understanding something that’s never clicked before. Like why Becca picked Zach, when it was obvious she belonged with Anthony. “That’s why she didn’t tell anyone else,” I say. “That’s why she didn’t tell me. Because you didn’t believe her, and—”

  Anthony glares at me. “You know what, Sara? You think people avoid you because you’re weird. Did you ever stop to think that maybe they avoid you because you’re a jerk?”

  The breath goes out of my words. “Not being warm and fuzzy isn’t the same thing as being a jerk.”

  “When you won’t even talk to your friends, it gets hard to tell the difference,” he says. He shakes his head. “Fine. If you have another partner, you have another partner. I can’t force you to go with me. But I’m going to be there. Because I still care about you, even if I’ve sucked at showing it lately.”

  “You don’t even know where to go.”

  “I’m sure I can figure it out,” he says, and shoves off from the railing. It’s started to rain; it patters against my shoulders and sneaks down the nape of my neck. Still I stand for a long while, watching Anthony stride back toward the street, his hands jammed in his pockets. My hands are shaking. I curl my fingers into fists.

  Anthony abandoned me, when I needed his friendship the most. Even if maybe I did abandon him first.

  I can’t pretend that the others didn’t reach out. Trina is still doing her best, and it isn’t like I’ve made that easy. Even Mel, not exactly Miss Sentimental, tried to help, and I turned my back on both of them. I kept my grief wrapped tight around me. I kept them at a distance.

  And now I might have the chance to get Becca back, and Anthony is right. I need his help. Because I need a partner, and I don’t have anyone else to ask.

  EXHIBIT C

  Group chat transcript

  April 18, 2017

  TRINA (4:07 pm): Hey guys

  NICK (4:08 pm): Sup

  MEL (4:08 pm): I didn’t even know I still had this app installed

  TRINA (4:10 pm): I thought we should talk

  MEL (4:11 pm): Are you sure it’s safe? It might ruin your reputation.

  NICK (4:12 pm): You only wish you were that edgy, Mel.

  MEL (4:14 pm): I meant if she gets caught talking to you, nerd squad.

  NICK (4:14 pm): Can you have a nerd squad of one?

  MEL (4:14 pm): You are nerdy enough to count as four point seven nerds for the purpose of squads. Basic science.

  TRINA (4:15 pm): Guys.

  NICK (4:15 pm): Um, Trina, “guys” is a sexist term created by the patriarchy to imply that maleness overrules femaleness in a group setting

  MEL (4:15 pm): Shut up I don’t sound like that

  NICK (4:16 pm): a) yes you do and b) you know I dig it

  MEL (4:17 pm): Were I but heterosexual my friend

  NICK (4:17 pm): You know you’d be all over me

  MEL (4:17 pm): Hell yeah. my pasty-white love stallion.

  TRINA (4:17 pm): As glad as I am that you two are still friends . . .

  TRINA (4:18 pm): WHAT GROSS MEL WHY

  MEL (4:18 pm): Where’s Anthony?

  MEL (4:18 pm): And sorry, I regret everything

  NICK (4:18 pm): I don’t

  ANTHONY (4:18 pm): I’m watching you two reverse-flirt or whatever it is you’re doing. Can’t talk much. Hiding my phone during “family time.”

  ANTHONY (4:19 pm): Sorry, answering your question, Mel.

  MEL (4:19 pm): We know how chats work. How’s the rev

  ANTHONY (4:19 pm): She’s fine thanks. Wants to see you in church more.

  MEL (4:20 pm): That’s just bc she loves me more than you

  ANTHONY (4:20 pm): Why isn’t Sara in the chat?

  MEL (4:20 pm): Oh snap

  NICK (4:20 pm): Wait, what?

  MEL (4:20 pm): Like she’d answer anyway

  ANTHONY (4:21 pm): She wasn’t at school today, either.

  TRINA (4:21 pm): I left Sara off because we need to talk about what to do and I don’t want her shutting us down.

  TRINA (4:24 pm): So . . . what are we going to do?

  ANTHONY (4:25 pm): I’m going. Whatever anyone else decides.

  TRINA (4:25 pm): Me too.

  NICK (4:25 pm): I was already planning on it. Vanessa wants to go. Going out for dinner in a few minutes, then out ghost hunting.

  MEL (4:26 pm): Sorry, have to—NICKY HAS A GIIIIRLFRIEEEEEND.

  NICK (4:26 pm): Is there a middle finger emoji? Wait. Found it. [redacted]

  MEL (4:27 pm): I don’t see what the point is. It’s not like anything is going to happen. And besides, I have a date.

  NICK (4:28 pm): MELANIE HAS A GIIIIRLFRIEEEEEND.

  MEL (4:28 pm): [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]

  MEL (4:28 pm): [redacted]

  TRINA (4:29 pm): Does anyone know if Sara’s going?

  MEL (4:29 pm): [redacted]

  ANTHONY (4:30 pm): Yeah. She is. She told me.

  TRINA (4:30 pm): You talked to her? Is she okay?

  ANTHONY (4:31 pm): Yes. Last night. And no. I don’t know. She’s the way she’s been.

  MEL (4:32 pm): Someone should be there if she’s going but we don’t all have to be. This isn’t an intervention. She just needs someone so she doesn’t slit her wrists in the woods or something.

  TRINA (4:33 pm): That’s insensitive and crass.

  MEL (4:33 pm): Insensitive and crass is basically my brand so

  PRIVATE MESSAGE: MEL/NICK

  NICK (4:33 pm): This is perfect—you show up and save Sara from herself and she’s so grateful she swoons into your firm yet supple embrace.

  MEL (4:33 pm): You know I will cut you if you say the word supple in any context ever again and also shut up.

  PRIVATE MESSAGE: ANTHONY/MEL

  ANTHONY (4:34 pm): Mel. Cut it out.

  MEL (4:34 pm): It was a joke.

  ANTHONY (4:34 pm): Kyle tried to kill himself a couple months ago.

  MEL (4:35 pm): Fuck

  MEL (4:35 pm): Really?

  MEL (4:35 pm): KYLE?? That’s why he wasn’t in school? I thought he had the flu.

  ANTHONY (4:35 pm): He’s okay-ish. I think. Just lay off the jokes.

  MAIN CHANNEL

  MEL (4:35 pm): Sorry

  ANTHONY (4:36 pm) There’s always a chance she doesn’t show.

  TRINA (4:36 pm): Then it’s on us.

 
MEL (4:36 pm): Uh. What’s on us.

  TRINA (4:37 pm): The game.

  MEL (4:38 pm): IT’S NOT REAL

  ANTHONY (4:38 pm): I’m bringing someone in case Sara doesn’t show. Unless you want to partner up, Trina.

  TRINA (4:38 pm): I already agreed to go with someone.

  PRIVATE MESSAGE: ANTHONY/TRINA

  TRINA (4:39 pm): There’s something else I need to talk to you about.

  ANTHONY (4:39 pm): What’s up?

  MAIN CHANNEL

  NICK (4:39 pm): Cool. That settles it, then. Midnight in the woods, yeah?

  TRINA (4:40 pm): I don’t actually know where to go.

  NICK (4:40 pm): Vanessa got the GPS coordinates. I’ll text you guys.

  NICK (4:41 pm): I mean INDIVIDUALS OF VARIOUS GENDER IDENTITIES.

  MEL (4:44 pm): Don’t bother. I’m not going. BECAUSE NONE OF IT IS REAL. Becca’s gone. She’s dead or she’s shooting up in a flophouse or whatever, but she’s not in the woods and she’s not the prisoner of some stupid ghost from an old urban legend. You’re all delusional if you think she is for even a moment. You should do yourselves a favor and admit that so you can move on.

 

  TRINA (4:45 pm): See you guys tonight?

  ANTHONY (4:46 pm): Yeah. See you.

  NICK (4:46 pm): I’ll be there. Ciao, bitches.

 

  PRIVATE MESSAGE: ANTHONY/TRINA

  ANTHONY (4:47 pm): Trina, what did you need to talk about?

  TRINA (4:47 pm): I

  TRINA (4:47 pm): Fuck I really don’t know how to say this

  ANTHONY (4:48 pm): Are you okay? What’s going on?

  TRINA (4:48 pm): I found out something and I don’t really know what to do

  ANTHONY (4:49 pm): Do you want to call? Or come over?

  TRINA (4:49 pm): No. I don’t know.

  TRINA (4:50 pm): I have to go

  ANTHONY (4:51 pm): Wait

  TRINA (4:52 pm): I have to go. Chris* is home.

 

  4

  WHAT DO YOU wear when you go to meet a ghost? What do you bring?

  Every time I went into the woods before, I didn’t bring anything more than a flashlight or a granola bar. I never had any hope of finding a sign of Becca. It was more about getting away from home, from town, from every other living soul. I never thought about what would happen if it was all real. If there was a road to walk down. Rationally, I still don’t believe in ghosts, in roads that vanish. But I’ve begun to operate as if it is true, and that is close enough to believing.

  In the end I dress warmly, with layers, and pack a lunch box, some water bottles, and a bunch of protein bars. I bring along my heaviest flashlight and extra batteries, Becca’s camera, a change of clothes, and the notebook. And, of course, a key. I wait until I’m sure my mom is asleep, leave the note I’ve written on the kitchen table, and walk out.

  If I vanish, I want her to know exactly why. Not like with Becca. Maybe it’ll help. Maybe it won’t. But at least she’ll know why I’ve gone.

  The duffel bag digs into my shoulder as I beeline for the forest. It’s a cold night, though at least it isn’t raining anymore. The sidewalk gleams under the streetlamps, and I think of black ice, surfaces that look solid until they plunge you into the depths. You could fall forever through darkness like that.

  My phone buzzes with a message notification. I hold it facedown for a moment, convinced it’s Anthony telling me he’s staying home, destroying my chance at this before I even get to the woods. I flip the phone over in my hand and thumb the button to bring the screen to life. And nearly drop it.

  One message, it says. From Becca.

  I unlock the phone with shaking hands. And stare. The message is from a year ago.

  Hey. Going to be out late. Don’t worry. See you soon.

  She sent that a few days before she disappeared, some night she was out with Zach. Why am I getting a notification for it now?

  The phone buzzes. And buzzes again. The same notification popping up over and over until I feel dizzy, like my feet don’t quite connect with the ground. I jam my thumb over the power button. The phone keeps buzzing, quick staccato pulses that writhe into the bones of my hand until the power shuts off at last.

  My heart beats quick as a hummingbird’s. The skin on my arms prickles with goose bumps, and I shake myself a little, trying to pull free of my one, endlessly looped thought—this is impossible, this is impossible.

  I take a deep breath. It was just some quirk of technology. A coincidence. A fluke.

  I turn the phone back on. For a moment I brace myself, certain the buzzing is going to start up again. Nothing. And then—

  I’m here.

  Not from Becca. From Anthony. He’s waiting.

  I let out a sound more like a sob than I want to admit and stuff a hand against my mouth. He’s waiting for me. It’s time to go.

  I bury my phone deep in the duffel, where I can’t hear it if it buzzes again, and set off at a jog.

  EXHIBIT D

  Transcript of 911 call

  Placed from unknown number, 10:23 p.m., April 18, 2017

  Briar Glen, Massachusetts

  OPERATOR: 911, what’s the address of your emergency?

  UNKNOWN CALLER: [Indistinct]

  OPERATOR: Hello? What’s your emergency?

  UNKNOWN CALLER: [Indistinct] him [indistinct] not moving.*

  OPERATOR: Hello, ma’am? Are you hurt?

  UNKNOWN CALLER: No. Not me.

  OPERATOR: Is someone hurt?

  UNKNOWN CALLER: I think you need to send someone. I think he’s dead. I think I . . .

  OPERATOR: What is your address, ma’am? Where are you located?

  UNKNOWN CALLER: I think . . .

 

  VIDEO EVIDENCE

  Retrieved from the cell phone of Kyle Jeffries

  Recorded April 18, 2017, 11:37 p.m.

  For a few seconds, the scenery is shadowy and indistinct, only the sound of footsteps trampling through the brush audible. Then the phone’s flashlight comes on, and the camera tilts up, steadying. Trina Jeffries walks ahead, bobbing in and out of the edge of the frame. She looks down at her phone as she walks. The light from the phone washes her out and gives her a pallid cast. She stops, staring at the map on her phone, and doesn’t move for nearly ten seconds.

  KYLE: Hey. Trina.

  She doesn’t respond at first.

  KYLE: Trina, you okay?

  She jerks, eyes focusing on him.

  TRINA: What? Sorry. I’m, um—we’re almost there.

  She scrubs her palm against her jeans, an unconscious gesture.

  KYLE: Are we the first ones?

  NICK: Up here!

  TRINA: I guess not.

  She flashes a tight, nervous smile at Kyle.

  TRINA: Let’s go.

  Her voice is too loud, too brightly cheerful, and her brother doesn’t respond. He follows her as she marches toward Nick’s voice. Soon the light from the phone dimly illuminates Nick Dessen and Vanessa Han. Nick is gawky and lean. His sneakers are duct-taped together at the soles, and his shirt is much too light for this weather, but he doesn’t seem to mind. His shaggy brown hair hangs down past his jaw. On someone else it might look roguish; he just looks young. Vanessa has a knit cap jammed down so low it brushes the top of her round glasses.

  NICK: Hey, Kyle.

  He gives Trina a questioning look. She shrugs, a hiccup of movement.

  KYLE: I liked Becca, too. Besides, anything’s better than staying home.

  NICK: Oh, it’s cool you’re here. I kind of thought Trina’d bring a boyfriend.

  Trina doesn’t
respond; she seems distracted.

  NICK: So . . . no boyfriend, then. Uh, Earth to Trina?

  Trina blinks. Shakes her head.

  TRINA: I, um. Paul and I broke up.

  NICK: I heard. The whole school heard.

  KYLE: His voice got very high.

  They share a chuckle, then stand awkwardly as Trina doesn’t react, the brief burst of renewed friendship withering, becoming distant again. Vanessa examines her hands. Kyle pans the phone around the clearing idly.

  KYLE: So this is where it happened?

  VANESSA: R-roughly. W-w-we don’t know exactly wh-where.

  Another beam of light pierces the trees, and Kyle keeps the camera trained in that direction as two figures approach. Anthony Beck and Jeremy Polk enter the dimly lit area.

  TRINA: [Muttering] Great.

  ANTHONY: We’re the last ones here, then?

  He tries to catch Trina’s eye, but she crosses her arms and looks at the ground.

  NICK: Other than Sara. You brought Jeremy.

  His voice is too neutral to read as anything but unfriendly.

  JEREMY: So what do you think this is? My money’s on prank or some kind of ARG, geo-caching-type thing. Good, you’re recording. We can be internet famous.

  NICK: Why are you recording?

  KYLE: If something happens out here, we’re going to want proof.

  JEREMY: You don’t actually think it’s going to be, like, a ghost? Do you?

  TRINA: Why did you bring him?

  ANTHONY: Because he’s my friend, and he offered.

  JEREMY: He’s also standing right here.

  He signs to Anthony, looking disgruntled.

  JEREMY: Why didn’t you tell her?

  ANTHONY: I don’t know. I didn’t think it would be a problem.

  TRINA: I sign, too, remember?

  JEREMY: We need to learn Spanish.