The Parodies Collection

by Adam Roberts

  Blade 4: Sheffield Wednesday

  Dir: Scott ‘Scotty’ Scott

  In this latest instalment in the Blade vampire saga, Hulk ‘The Budget Didn’t Run To Wesley Schnaps’ Hogan comes up against humanity’s most terrifying adversaries yet: vampires that feed only on vampires that prey on vampires that feed on regular vampires. There are only a very, very few of these beings in the world, eleven in total, and they masquerade as the Sheffield Wednesday first squad to avoid the spotlight of publicity.

  Solaris: the Musical

  Dir: Tarkovsky the Otter

  Astronauts go very, very slowly mad in space, whilst a planet (very, very, very slowly) turns out to be some kind of brain, with chirpy musical-comedy interludes. Includes the songs: ‘So, a Laris, a Female Laris’, Smokey Robinson’s ‘Tears of a Clooney’, ‘I Want To Teach the World to Appreciate-Human-Culture-during-a-First-Encounter-with-Alien-Life’, ‘Natty Little Solaris With a Fri-ii-inge On Top’ and many others.

  ‘Perhaps the most boring science fiction film every made’ –

  Rock Collectors Monthly

  ¡Special Offers

  to Readers of

  The McAtrix Derided!

  McAtrix Sunglasses – just like Smurpheus’s!

  In our sweatshops in East Cheam, teams of poorly paid workers are, even as we speak, taking £1.99 bulk-bought regular sunglasses, snapping off their two supporting arms, tossing those into big bins and putting what’s left over into silvery boxes with ‘THE MCATRIX DERIDED’ written on the front. Now you can by the resulting Cool Shades, at a special MCATRIX DERIDED introductory offer of £49.99 a pair.

  Look Just Like Smurpheus! Buy One Today! Buy A Couple! Go On!

  Also available:

  McAtrix-style Mobile Phone

  Personally endorsed by Elfrond ‘the Agent’ Warping

  Elfrond says: ‘The life of an internationally famous antipodean film star with a receding hairline is a hectic one. Accordingly I never travel anywhere without my Mobile Palantir™. Be like me! Keep up with the Smiths! Get a Mobile Palantir™ of your own!’

  All Mobile Palantir™ are constructed using only the finest polished stone globes, and fit snugly in any pocket, pouch, or wrapped in black silk and tucked neatly into your robe. Whether on foot, horseback or kick-boxing a Hong Kong-trained martial arts expert, nothing is more convenient than whipping out a Mobile Palantir™, waving your hand over the top of it in an arthritic sort of shape, and summoning the image of the person with whom you wish to speak.

  Ordinary phone companies promise you tomorrow’s communication technology today; but only we guarantee you yesterday’s communication device tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow (leave fourteen days for delivery) (so, technically, that’s the day after the day after the day after the day after the day after the day after the day after the day after the day after the day after the day after the day after tomorrow).

  NOTE: Mobile Palantir plc (Palantir Limited Company) accept no responsibility for loss of mind due to crossed lines leading to a vision of ultimate evil, the violent destruction of your hometown, or broken bones resultant from dropping one on your foot. ‘Mobile’, ‘Palantir’ and ‘plc’ are all registered trade marks.

  Meet The ‘Internet’!

  Why Not?

  Have you enjoyed The McAtrix Derided? Do you want to learn more about the sinister power of ‘the internet’, ‘machinic intelligences’, ‘processing technology’ and the like? Then why not visit

  The ‘Internet’!

  You don’t need a ‘passport’ to visit the ‘Internet’ . . . so make the journey today!*

  Here are just some of the dozens of websites you may enjoy:

  Like legs? Lovely!

  www.legs-and.co.uk and www.morethantheaveragenumberofpenises.com. Do you have two legs? Conratulations!† Since a small portion of the general population has only one leg (and some have no legs at all) it follows logically that the average number of legs in the population as a whole is less than two. This means that you possess more than the average number of legs. Strange, eh? The same inescapable logic also applies to ears, eyes, arms, nostrils, and, if you are a man, genitals. Indeed, the average number of penises in the world as a whole is less than 0.5, which means that most men can boast that they possess more than twice the average number of penises. Which can only be a good thing. Can’t it? Hey ho.

  Pongy

  deoderant.de, the German Oderant Website, is the place you’ll find a scratch-screen-and-sniff of Germany’s Favourite Cat-related Smells.

  Interestingly, the acronym for this site ‘GOW’ came top of the Readers’ Poll vote 2003 chart at www.Singlesyallablewordsthatdon’tmeananythingbutreallyoughtto.com just ahead of ‘MUP’ and ‘HENG’.

  KKK!

  Check out the Karate Kid sequels page www.KingKarateKid.com on which dedicated fans have posted their complete shooting scripts for as-yet-unmade Karate Kid sequels, including ‘Karate Thirty-something III’ by Nick Adsell, ‘Karate Middle Age Man’ by Hannah Voelspiet and ‘Karate Kid Senior Citizen: Prostate Op IV’ by Kevin ‘Kid’ Keegan.

  * You do, however, need a computer, modem and phone link, which, if I’m honest, costs more than a passport. But if you’re ‘poor’, then why not not visit the internet, but just go abroad instead? It’s not as good, but it’s probably better than sitting around at home feeling sorry for yourself.

  † Note: there are typographical errors on some ‘internet’ pages.

  CONTENTS

  Title

  Map

  Ainusoul: the Music of the Ainu

  The Creation

  Of the Coming of the Elves and the First Wars of Good Against Evil

  Of The Unchaining of Moregothic

  Of The Coming Of Men into Blearyland

  Of The Coming Of Dwarfs into Blearyland

  Of The Coming Of Munchkins into Blearyland

  Of the Great Destruction wrought by Moregothic, and of the Attempts Made by the Elves and Men to wreak Destruction upon Moregothic, and of the wreakage of Destruction upon Moregothic which was eventually wranged, or possibly wrekted

  A More Detailed Account of the Great Destruction Wrought by Moregothic, and of the Attempts Made by the Elves and Men to wreak Destruction upon Moregothic, and of the eventual Destruction of Moregothic

  The Sellamillion: The History of the Sellmi

  The Theft of the Giant Sellmi

  Of the Great Battle of Taur-en-Ferno and the Disembodifying of Sharon

  Of the New Way of King Bleary and the Effect This Had Upon the Elves of Upper Middle Earth

  Of the Rage of Sharon

  Of the Death of King Gondor in Battle

  Of Belend and Lüthwoman

  Of Sharon’s Dream

  Of Sharon’s Decision to End Things Once and For All and For All

  Of the Sense of Foreboding Experienced by Men and Elves

  Of the Breaking of the Storm

  Of the Tyranny of Sharon, or the ‘Sharonny’ as it was called

  Of Eärwiggi

  The Voyage of the Darned Traitor

  The History of the War of the Thing™

  Letters between A. R. R. R. Roberts and George-Ann Allen Nonwin

  Farmer Greenegs of Ham

  Ent’s Army

  The Adventures of Tommy Bythewho

  Under Mirk Wood: a Play for Voices

  Ork Sonnets

  Appendices

  Note on Pronunciation

  Nonwin Press

  The Sellamillion

  An Introduction, by B C D ‘Pierrre’ Roberts

  My grand-uncle A. R. R. R. Roberts has achieved a globally world-wide famousness the world over for his celebrated Heroic Fighting Fantasy masterpieces: The Soddit, Lowered off the Rings and Farmer Giles of Yokel-Caricature. Now sadly deceased or ‘passed on’ as he himself put it, it falls to me to collect together his uncollected Fantasy writings and offer to the public these valuable sketches, designs, memoirs and other writings under the general title Th
e Sella-million.

  1. Life

  My grand-uncle’s full name was ‘Adam Robinson? Robertson? Robins? ah, Roberts I See Do Excuse Me I’m Dreadfully Sorry I Left My Spectacles In The Vestry’, which is how the Rev. Roland Adorno baptised him, reading from a chit given him by the organist. It was this full version of his name that was, for legal reasons, entered on the birth certificate. Accordingly, and although my grand-uncle was known to his myriad fans by the abbreviated form of his name, the full surname was required for all official arenae.1

  His career at the University of Oxoford, where he sat in the Ikea Chair of Dead and Terminally Ill Languages, was lengthy and successful. He distinguished himself as a scholar and also as a member of the group known as ‘the oinklings’, the celebrated pork-themed writers’ group, who met Thursdays throughout term to discuss their various literary productions over bacon and chops.

  2. Two Robertses’s?

  His career at the University of Oxoford, where he sat in the Ikea Chair of Dead and Terminally Ill Languages, was lengthy and successful. He distinguished himself as a scholar and also as a member of the group known as ‘the oinklings’, the celebrated pork-themed writers’ group, who met Thursdays throughout term to discuss their various literary productions over bacon and chops.

  2. Two Robertses’s?

  It is sometimes said, with some justification, that there were actually two A. R. R. R. Robertses: A. R. R. R. Roberts, the noted and bestselling fantasy author, and Professor Roberts I See Do Excuse Me I’m Dreadfully Sorry I Left My Spectacles In The Vestry, the Oxoford scholar. Indeed, my grand-uncle himself declared that he was ‘split’ or ‘divided’ after this fashion. ‘There are two of me,’ he told the Oxoford Times in an interview late in his career. ‘The writer and the academic. Both, luckily, are called Roberts, and at the moment both live in the same town. It has not always been arranged so neatly. Two years ago the two were Geoff Kapitza, a Shrews-bury-based supplier of industrial ceramics, and Susan Eley, the author with David Blackbourn of The Peculiarities of German History. That was a rather awkward set-up, I don’t mind telling you.’

  As one illustration of the sort of life my grand-uncle lived in the ivied halls and hallowed ives2 of Ballsiol College, Oxoford, I append this record of a conversation he had with his distinguished colleague Professor Sir Algernon Islwyn De Vere Hedgecock Twistleton Faineant Mainwaring Featherstonehaugh Jones. In common with many of the Fellows of Ballsiol, Professor Jones frequently congratulated my grand-uncle on what he considered a properly and unashamedly-hyphenated Traditional English surname. [The following excerpt is from Porter! A Porter’s Life, by Henry Porter, Porter of Saint Peter Hall, Oxoford]

  I was sitting [writes Porter] in the Porter’s box at Saint Peter’s, drinking some Port and reading a local historical account of Portsmouth, when Professor A. R. R. R. Roberts entered the college, visiting a friend. In the course of his ingress he happened to bump into Professor Jones, who was exiting. ‘Well,’ cried Professor Jones, warmly, ‘if it isn’t my good friend Professor Roberts I See Do Excuse Me I’m Dreadfully Sorry I Left My Spectacles In The Vestry. A very good evening, anima dimidia mea.’

  ‘My dear Professor Sir Algernon Islwyn De Vere Hedgecock Twistleton Faineant Mainwaring Featherstonehaugh Jones,’ replied Professor Roberts, genially, ‘how wonderful to see you.’

  Professor Jones’s face fell.

  ‘My dear Professor Roberts I See Do Excuse Me I’m Dreadfully Sorry I Left My Spectacles In The Vestry,’ he expostulated. ‘I fear I must correct you – it is pronounced “fanshaw”.’

  Professor Roberts naturally looked abashed. ‘I am sorry, my friend. I thought I had pronounced it “fanshaw”.’

  ‘You did indeed pronounce the penultimate element of my surname “fanshaw” and most correctly. But you mispronounced the earlier element – it is pronounced “fanshaw”, and not “hedge-cock” as you said.’

  ‘I cannot apologise enough,’ declared Professor Roberts. ‘Allow me to address you again, my dear Professor Sir Algernon Islwyn De Vere Hedgecock Twistleton Faineant Mainwaring Featherstonehaugh Jones, in the hope of correcting my grievous error.’

  Professor Jones shook his head. ‘No, no,’ he said. ‘This time you got the first “fanshaw” right but monkeyed up the second one.’

  ‘I did? I said “fanshaw”, didn’t I?’

  ‘You said “farnshow”; quite, quite wrong.’

  ‘Professor Sir Algernon Islwyn De Vere Hedge-cock Twistleton Faineant—’

  ‘No, no,’ interrupted Professor Jones, becoming heated. ‘Faineant isn’t “fayno”, as you say it, it is pronounced “fanshaw”. Must I write it down in phonetic script?’

  ‘There is no need to be offensive,’ retorted Professor Roberts, bridling.

  ‘I’ll be offensive if I choose,’ returned Professor Jones, hotly.

  ‘A figo,’ said Professor Roberts.

  ‘A figo for you, sir.’

  The two professors were forever falling out with one another in this fashion.

  3. The Soddit

  My grand-uncle first wrote his children’s classic The Soddit on the back (and later, when he ran out of space, on the front in thick black felt-tip) of certain student examination papers he was supposed to be marking. After its publication and unexpected success, his publishers pressed him for a sequel. As he wrote to his dear friend C John Lewis:

  My publishers pressed me for a sequel again yesterday. I do wish they’d stop doing that. Always pressing, poking, can’t keep their hands to themselves. ‘We’ll keep on doing this,’ Stanley Nonwin told me, pressing a tender spot near my spleen, ‘until you deliver the sequel, you little jerk.’ Or at least that’s what I think he said. His editorial assistant, Hefty Jill, was sitting on my head and had my arms in a three-quarter nelson at the time. I fear I shall have to oblige them.

  His three-volume gymnasium-set fantasy, Lowered Off the Rings, was written during the war, and published to great acclaim on both sides of the Atlantic. The acclaim was, as it happens, for a different book: Brass Rubbing by Juliana Nederlandia. But as Nonwin told my grand-uncle ‘That’s not the important thing – the important thing is that there is acclaim sloshing about. It creates the right sort of atmosphere into which to release a new book – means that people are favourably disposed towards books in general, you see.’

  Nonwin’s optimism was duly rewarded when Lowered Off the Rings became a Hot Hundred Bestseller-List-Chaser Likely-to-Sell title in the Midlands Advertiser ‘What’s Up in Books?’ supplement. With great sales came great fame. ‘I find,’ my grand-uncle wrote to his friend Lewis, ‘that I am famous. It is not fanciful to say so. The fanfaronade of fandom treats me with frightening familiarity.’

  4. The Sellamillion

  The world created by A. R. R. R. Roberts was no mere fantasy flimflam or flapdoodle, believe you me. It was fully rounded, no, wait a mo, that doesn’t roll off the tongue right, not the fully rounded, that’s fine, the bit before. ‘Believe you me’. I’m not sure that that sounds right. Hmm, hm, um, how about, ‘You believe me’? Maybe that’s better. Or, even, ‘Believe me, you!’ Yes, that’s the best one. Vocative case. I say, Miriam, when you transcribe this bit into your word processor, could you please cut out my dithering and so on? Just cut straight to the – yes, right. Thanks.

  So, hem, yes, Upper Middle Earth, no flapdoodle, on the contrary, where was I, yes – it was a lifetime’s work; a detailed land of many nations and languages. The present volume assembles the background myths and stories to the Soddit and to Lowered Off the Rings as well as much alternate material, early drafts, and the like. By the way Miriam, that’s a lovely chemise. No, really, a very nice purple.

  The volume includes material relating to the ‘singing’ of the cosmos into being by the Ainu, the ‘souls’ or divine subordinates of the Creator, as well as The History of the Sellmi, a magical artefact stolen from the Undying Lands. Certain elements relating to the War of the Thing™ that also formed the basis of th
e Lowered Off the Rings trilogy.

  Well, enough of my yakking! No, on second thoughts, Miriam, don’t put that, put something conventional like ‘I will not weary the reader with lengthy preliminaries, et cetera et cetera’. Oh, and we’d better say that we’re using some of the letters that C John Lewis exchanged with grand-uncle as a sort of preface to the volume. In addition to this preface. A postpreface preface. Post-preface, but pre the, um, face of the main text.

  I’d like to thank my three research assistants, who have worked tirelessly helping me assemble this collection of disparate material: Gabriel Kay, Guy Bedevere and Adrian Ladyofthelake.

  1 This I take to be the plural of arena. Although, actually, when I look at it written down like that, it may be that ‘arena’ is already the plural of ‘arenum.’ Is that right? If it is, then that would make ‘arenae’ the plural plural of arenum. I don’t mind admitting I’m nervous – it’s no easy thing writing an introduction to a collection of writings by a world-class philologist and grammatologist. I could so easily make a fool of myself. I’m anxious to get the grammar and such just so.