Just an Illusion - The B Side

by D. Kelly

  “I don’t want to grieve for her, Mel!” As he screams, he grabs his head and I release him from my arms. Noah’s never yelled at me before; I’ve only ever heard him yell at Sawyer. “Shit,” he hisses through his teeth, and his eyes are closed when I look over at him. I know he needs time and I shouldn’t take things personally, but I do.

  There’s a soft rap at the door. Saved by the bell.

  Jordan pops his head in as he opens the door. “Hey, I just wanted to come by and see how you’re doing.” The relief in his eyes is evident, and I use the opportunity to get a few minutes to myself.

  “Come in, Jordan. I was just going to go see Belle for a little bit. Why don’t you keep Noah company for a while?”

  “Sure, I can do that, no problem,” he replies with a grateful smile. After closing the door behind me, I walk up the hall and knock on Darren’s door before taking a chance with the masses.

  “Come in,” Darren calls out. When I open his door, he and Belle are sitting with their heads together, browsing a baby catalog. I’m so glad they’re doing something normal and not hovering around like everyone else.

  “What’s wrong?” Belle asks, patting the bed beside her.

  “Nothing,” I answer on a sigh.

  “Liar,” she retorts, earning a laugh from Darren.

  “It’s nice to see her call other people out on their shit,” he says, still chuckling.

  “Seriously, it’s not a big deal. Noah is emotional and he snapped at me. I know it’s his injury but it hurt my feelings. I just needed a few minutes to regroup, that’s all.”

  “Aww, you’re emotional, too. You’ve both been through a lot in the past twenty-four hours. He loves you, babe, he just needs some time to process things. Speaking of processing, Mama and Eli want you to call them when you’re up to it.”

  “Eli left?” I feel bad I didn’t get to talk to him more.

  “He finally left,” Darren grumbles.

  “Stop. Eli’s a good guy when he wants to be. He came back here with us from the hospital. He wasn’t about to leave until he saw you for himself.” From Belle’s tone, I can tell she’s forgiven Eli, too.

  “That’s sweet. I’ll text him later and thank him. Tell Mama I’ll call her as soon as I’m up to it, but give her my love.”

  “Look, Noah’s my boy, so I have to ask … you don’t want Eli back, do you?”

  The look of horror on my face must answer his question because he throws up his arms in mock surrender. “Okay, don’t freeze me with your icy glare. I just wanted to be sure Noah didn’t have anything to worry about.”

  Belle whacks him on top of the head with her baby catalog and answers for me, “You fool. Amelia would never leave Noah for Eli or anyone else.”

  “Not ever,” I confirm, suddenly feeling emotional. “So … what are you guys looking at?” I ask, hoping to change the subject.

  Belle smiles sheepishly. “Nursery themes. I love baby Winnie the Pooh and Sesame Street Babies.”

  “And I like the baby zoo animals and the celestial-themed one with stars and moons,” Darren adds, pointing them out as he hands me the catalog.

  “They’re all cute,” I say, flipping through the pages until I come to one that makes me pause. “If it were me, I’d get this one.” I point at the one I like and pass it back.

  “Dr. Seuss?” Darren questions curiously.

  “I love Dr. Seuss, but that’s specifically from Oh, the Places You’ll Go!, the best Dr. Seuss book. It’s all about how your future is what you make of it and how you can do anything you set your mind to. It’s one of my all-time favorite books.”

  “I always thought his books were creepy. Just because you can rhyme doesn’t make it less weird with all those imaginary characters drawn in them.” Darren shudders while reminiscing.

  “Well, maybe it will be easier for you to pick a theme once you know what you’re having. When do you find out?”

  “Next month,” Belle answers excitedly. “But we already know it’s a girl. I just feel it.”

  “What do you think, Darren?” I ask.

  “I’ll be happy with whatever, but the thought of a mini Belle running around is pretty cool.”

  “Have you guys talked at all about logistics? Where the baby is going to be born and where you’ll live? What you’ll do while the guys wrap up the tour?”

  Belle bites her bottom lip; I can tell they haven’t from the look in her eyes.

  “What’s there to talk about? Belle is touring with us the last three months for Slammed. The baby should be here then so the baby will be on the bus with us,” he answers like it’s a no-brainer. Belle doesn’t look as thrilled with the idea. Since I opened Pandora’s box, I’m going to excuse myself.

  “Alright then, I’m going to let you talk and go check on Noah.”

  “Let me know if you need anything,” Belle calls out behind me.

  I pause outside our door and take a deep, steady breath. When I walk inside, I’m surprised to see Sawyer and Noah lying in bed together, both napping. Seeing them together reminds me what a huge part of each other they really are. The fact they’re twins makes their relationship that much more intense. It makes me happy but sets me off-kilter a bit as well. I realize they’ve never been apart. And I wonder how that will work when they find love and get married. Will they always want to live together? How will they function being apart? It’s too much to think about right now. Backing out quietly, I make my way into the kitchen for some water.

  It’s quiet out here; everyone must be recovering from last night. There’s a large photo album on the table, and I take it with me to the couch so I can look through it. The opening page says “Noah and Sawyer” on it. It starts off with pictures of Karen and Owen when they were probably my age at a baby shower. God, her belly was huge!

  It immediately moves into hospital photos of them with the twins right after they were born. They were so tiny. I bet it was almost impossible to tell them apart at first. Soon enough, you can see their differences. It seems Noah’s hair has always been lighter, and Sawyer’s smile looks like it’s always had a devilish hint to it. Their matching outfits make them even cuter and although they aren’t identical, I’m not sure I’d have been able to resist dressing twins the same, either.

  I’m lost in the album when someone sits down next to me. When I look up, Noah puts his arm around me.

  “What are you doing up?”

  “Better question, why aren’t you in bed with me?” he asks as his fingers trace a photo of him and Sawyer on their third birthday.

  “You and Sawyer were knocked out. I wanted to let you guys sleep. You both had a rough night last night. I was going to come back to check on you in a little while, but I got distracted with these pictures.”

  “I told you I’d show you pictures that night on the beach. My mom must have been feeling sentimental and taken the album out of the office. I’d love to see your childhood pictures. Do you have any?”

  That’s a complicated answer but one I owe him. “I do … Some of them are in my storage, but the bulk of them are at the house.”

  “The house? Whose house?” he asks cautiously.

  “Mine … my parents’ … the one in Bel Air,” I admit sheepishly.

  “Jesus, Mel. You still have their house? Weren’t you living in a one-bedroom apartment?” His shocked tone isn’t surprising; I’m sure I’d react the same.

  “I was. I haven’t been inside the house since a few days after his funeral. Until she died, my grandma took care of the staff, the details. Now, I do … sort of. I have a property management company I pay to keep up on everything. Landscaping, monthly cleaning, those kinds of things. But the inside is basically a museum. Nothing has been changed since my mom died.”

  “That long?”

  With a shrug, I reply, “I know it sounds silly, but my dad couldn’t bring himself to go there after we lost her. If we needed something, someone brought it to
us. Then, after he died, I went back and dropped some things off and picked a few things up, but it was just so empty I couldn’t stand it. We never spent a lot of time there, anyway. Well, I didn’t. My grandma’s house was where I spent most of my time. That house was more of a hideaway for my parents.”

  Noah lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses it sweetly. “I’d be happy to go with you, Mel. If you ever want to … well … just go and remember the good times.”

  “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. I’m not ready yet, but someday I will be, and I’ll need you by my side.”

  “Anytime, anywhere, you know that,” he answers with a yawn, which is sort of funny since Sawyer walks in at the same moment yawning.

  “You guys could have woken me up. I didn’t mean to keep you out of your room,” he says as he moves into the kitchen and starts taking food out of the refrigerator.

  “You didn’t. I woke up and wanted to see where Mel went. I found her looking through our baby pictures,” Noah tells him with a chuckle.

  “Tell him the truth, Princess. I was the cuter twin, don’t you think?” Sawyer flashes a devilish smile my way, and I get the feeling by Noah’s groan this has been an ongoing battle for a long time.

  “Don’t encourage him, Mel,” Noah cautions.

  “Hmm … well … let me see,” I tell them as I look through some more pages. “You both were pretty cute, and those matching outfits are sort of like the icing on the cake. I’d say you’re equally adorable.”

  “She’s just being nice because she’s your girlfriend. We all know I’m the hotter brother,” Sawyer replies in a teasing tone.

  “Hotter, I’m not so sure. Pain in my ass, most definitely. I’m going to go lie down for a while. You coming, Mel?”

  Closing the photo album, I look up into Noah’s eyes. We really need some alone time.

  “You guys want some sandwiches? They’ll be ready in about ten minutes,” Sawyer offers before we leave.

  “I’m pretty hungry, I could eat.” I didn’t realize it until he offered food, but I’m starving. Noah takes my hand in his and I stand quickly. I don’t want him exerting himself by pulling me up.

  “Yeah, come get us when they’re done. I’m hungry, too,” Noah adds.

  “Sure thing,” Sawyer answers, getting back to his sandwich making.

  Once we’re lying together in bed, I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time today. We’re still holding hands, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I can’t imagine how conflicted Noah must be. I want to talk to him about it, but I’d rather he heal physically before delving into the emotional mess he’s likely struggling with on the inside.

  “What are you thinking about?” he whispers, as if reading my mind.

  A warm feeling rushes over me as I suddenly realize how blessed I am that he’s even here with me right now to be able to ask me that question. “Too many things to even narrow down.” My reply is evasive but truthful … to an extent.

  “Yeah, I know the feeling,” Noah replies as his eyelids flutter closed. After a few minutes, his hand loosens and soon falls from mine. A soft snore escapes from his mouth; even that brings a smile to my face.

  With a soft knock on the door, Sawyer sticks his head in and whispers, “Come eat.”

  I hold up a finger indicating I’ll be there in a minute, and he nods as he steps back out into the hall. I’m hungry but also enjoying watching Noah sleep. It’s rare when I get the opportunity to do this. When he sleeps, he’s truly peaceful; there’s no fear or worry marring his beautiful features. Even though Noah is one of the most worry-free people I’ve ever met, the past week or so since Sara reappeared gave me an insight to how deeply he feels things.

  Noah would do anything to protect the people he loves—they all would. Seeing the band and their crew jump into action and do all they can to step up and band together during all of this is enlightening. It’s not often people have true friends they can count on like this. I’ve only had Belle for years, and now the guys—Eli, too, of course.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket and when I pull it out, I have a text message from Sawyer. When I open it, it’s a video clip of “Eat It” by Weird Al Yankovic. I carefully slip out of bed, covering my mouth to stifle my laugh.

  When I walk into the kitchen, Sawyer is sitting at the table looking up at me with a knowing smile.

  “Weird Al, really?”

  With a shrug, he replies, “What? It worked, didn’t it? You need to keep up your strength, Princess. After you eat, I’ll help you swap out your dressing.”

  I hadn’t even thought about my dressing.

  “Thanks, I could use some help with that. This looks good … are you normally such a master sandwich maker?”

  “Practice makes perfect. We fend for ourselves a lot on the bus, as you’ve seen firsthand. I’ve learned a few tricks over the years, I guess. Food on the road gets so repetitive after a while, but you know this already … you’ve lived the life.” He takes a bite of his pickle and passes me a bag of chips.

  Noah’s plate sits waiting; I wish he were up to eating it. “It’s really quiet still. Where is everyone?”

  “I sent all the non-essentials home. They’ll be back tomorrow. Everyone else is in their rooms catching up on sleep.”

  “Who do you consider a non-essential?” I ask, trying not to choke on my sandwich. I’ve never heard him refer to anyone that way before.

  “My parents, Rory, Diane, anyone who is just going to sit here and hover over you guys. After what went down last night, I figured we all needed some time to regroup. J’s in the room he has here. I wanted him close after it all. I’m pretty sure he took his anti-anxiety meds and crashed.”

  The look in Sawyer’s eyes right now is hard for me to accurately describe. Maybe a cross of concern and love? He’s different today, probably because he’s in caretaker mode and his defenses are down. But I’m pretty sure I’m seeing who Sawyer could be if he’d only let people in.

  “You didn’t have to do that. We would have dealt with them. I’m sure they’re just worried.”

  He throws his crumpled napkin onto his plate and leans back against his chair. “Maybe I’m selfish. I didn’t want to deal with them, either. My mom started throwing the past into the present and I just can’t handle that shit right now, you know?”

  “Of course, but they only do it because they love you, Sawyer. You’re lucky to have people around you who do.” My words come out softer than I mean for them to, but for some reason, especially today, I miss my parents.

  We sit in silence for a bit as I finish my sandwich. Sawyer is fidgety, like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. “Sawyer, if you want to talk about it, you know … like, ever, not necessarily now … I’m here.”

  He tugs his lip ring into his mouth and quickly releases it. Memories of our kiss flood my mind as I stand up and grab Noah’s plate. “Do you want to help me with that bandage now?” I ask, trying to take my mind off the sudden flashback.

  “Sure, lead me to the exam room.”

  With a laugh, Sawyer follows me into the bedroom, where we find Noah sitting up on the edge of the bed holding his head. “Hey,” he croaks, barely moving his head enough to look up at me.

  After placing his sandwich on the nightstand, I grab his bottle of water and the acetaminophen next to it. “Maybe we should take you back to the doctor.”

  He reaches for the pills I just poured into my hand and takes them. “I’ll be fine. Dr. Martin said the first few days would be rough.” His firm tone leaves no room for argument. “What are you guys doing?”

  “I’m going to change her bandage,” Sawyer states and walks toward the bathroom. Noah’s eyes are filled with sadness when they meet mine.

  “Yeah, that makes sense. How often do you have to change it?” Noah reaches for his plate and takes a bite of his pickle.

  “Twice a day until I have my follow-up appointment.”

  With a
slight nod, he turns his attention to his food and I follow Sawyer into the bathroom, leaving the door wide open so Noah has a clear view of us. I really wish I could do this myself.

  Sawyer hisses as he removes the bandage, as if it’s hurting him. “You okay, Sawyer?” Noah calls from the bed.

  “I’m fine,” he grumbles as he quickly tosses away the old bandage.

  I catch sight of my wound in the mirror. It’s nasty looking—oozing and raw—with the surrounding tissues black and blue. It’s going to leave one hell of a scar, I don’t even know how many layers of skin are missing, but it’s probably going to take a while to grow back. I decided not to take any of the pain pills I got from the hospital. My teeth clench, and I suck in air through them as Sawyer pats the wound and covers it with the antibiotic ointment.

  “Why didn’t you take your meds?” The pissed-off tone in his voice is evident and before I know it, Noah is standing next to me with his water and my pills.

  “I’m fine. You two need to stop mothering me. I don’t want the medicine, okay?”

  “Nope, not okay,” Sawyer snaps back as Noah takes a more human approach.

  “Why, Mel? They don’t just give out pain pills like candy anymore. You wouldn’t have gotten them if they didn’t think you needed them.”

  These two are impossible.

  “If you can’t have meds, I don’t need them, either. Your injuries are worse than mine.”

  Sawyer wraps the gauze around my arm, and I can’t help but flinch; it stings like a bitch.

  “Different injuries, different treatment. Take the pills, Mel,” Noah insists, and I give in. Not only because I really am in pain but because he’s clutching the counter with white knuckles, doing his best to stay upright while trying to take care of me the only way he can right now.

  After I swallow the pills, Sawyer tapes my arm and throws away the trash. Sawyer then helps Noah back to bed, and I close the door so I can use the restroom. When I’m finished, I look at myself in the mirror as I wash my hands. I look like death warmed over. It’s only afternoon, but I suddenly feel like I could sleep for a week.

  Sawyer is gone and the door is closed when I come out of the bathroom. “Do you need anything, Noah?”