Not to mention if anyone actually paid attention, they’d see that Garrett was more likely to be hard on his daughter rather than easy on her. It was just how he was. He hadn’t even wanted her to take the damn job in the first place.
“I think that’s a great idea,” I told her honestly. “We’ll have to see what we can do.”
Izzi smiled at me. Then, to my surprise, her smile dimmed a little.
“Something wrong?” I asked, concerned.
Was it Penny? Or her father? Or was it Angelica? Angelica loved Izzi that was true, but she might still be upset at the idea of Izzi being my wife. She’d had my attention her whole life, my undivided love and support. It might be hard for her, in spite of it all, to give that up, even for a woman she really felt a connection with.
Izzi shook her head. “Not wrong, exactly. It’s just that there’s something else I need to tell you?”
Was it Andrew? Had he been hitting on her or making her uncomfortable?
Okay, now I was just getting paranoid.
“What is it?” I asked.
Izzi took a deep breath and then offered up a tentative smile. “I’m pregnant.”
My entire body went cold.
I sat up, dislodging Izzi from my chest. “What?”
“I’m pregnant,” Izzi repeated, also sitting up. “I took the test twice, just to be sure. I haven’t been to the doctor’s just yet, but I did schedule an appointment. It has to have been from the conference, I don’t think I’d realize it yet if it was…”
“You’re pregnant.” I couldn’t believe this. Fear and fury whirled inside of me. “You let yourself get pregnant!?”
“I let myself?” Izzi replied, her tone going sharp. “You didn’t have any condoms on you that I recall. And you never asked if I was on the pill or had an IUD or anything. It’s not like I planned this!”
“You planned to be with me, not the other way around. You should’ve thought of this possibility. I had no idea that you wanted me, I had no idea we were doing anything—why would I have condoms when I had no plans on having sex until you dropped yourself into my lap?”
“Wow.” Izzi folded her arms and glared at me. How she managed to do that and look impressive and angry while also being entirely naked, I didn’t know. “You still could’ve stopped and asked. You still could have made sure. This is on both of us! And I think it’s a good thing!”
“A good thing!?”
How could she possibly think that I would feel that way? After she knew my story and the pain I’d gone through? The idea of losing Izzi the way I had lost Laura—opening myself up to love another woman only to have her snatched away again—it was terrifying. I could hardly handle it. No, forget hardly, I couldn’t handle it at all.
I got up and began putting my clothes back on. Izzi watched me, hurt and angry. “Yes, a good thing. I’ve wanted a child, although, yes, I didn’t want it to be exactly like this. And you’re an amazing father. I know you’d enjoy having another kid. You’re upset and sad that Angelica’s getting older, now you can get another young child to fill that void!”
“You don’t get to decide what is and isn’t good for me,” I snapped. “You have no idea what you’ve done. This is the kind of behavior I should’ve expected—I should’ve known you’d do something like this?”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean you’re twenty-one, that’s what I mean.”
Izzi’s eyes blazed with a fury I’d never seen from her before. “I have never judged you for your age. Never. You don’t get to do that to me. This isn’t because I’m young and I’m not in the mood for being treated like a child.”
She began to get dressed as well. I knew that I should apologize, and that I had said something hurtful and… probably unfair. But I was too angry.
Izzi knew what my wife’s death had done to me. She hadn’t known about the vow until tonight but everyone who knew me, especially someone as well as she did, was aware of how much Laura’s death had affected me. Had it really not occurred to her that a pregnancy would be a bad idea and that she should take caution to prevent it, especially since she was the one planning this seduction, not me?
And even if—even if I didn’t have that in my past—it was a monumentally stupid idea not to avoid pregnancy because of everything else! Garrett! Our jobs! Our age differences! God only knew how Angelica would react to the idea of having a sibling, and a sibling she was twelve years older than, on top of it!
Fuck, this was such a mess. I was shaking with rage and fear. I needed to get some space.
“Let me know when you’re ready to stop treating me like an idiot,” Izzi snapped at me when she finished getting dressed.
She stormed out, fortunately keeping quiet enough that it wouldn’t wake up Angelica. I was sure that neither of us wanted her to witness this right now.
I sat heavily down on the edge of the bed. Fear swirled in me like a sick, hot poison. What if Izzi died in labor? She was young, she could so easily be overwhelmed. The thought terrified me beyond measure.
It was ironic that the fear of losing her would be what made me realize just how much she meant to me and how much I needed her in my life. Izzi slotted in with us as if she’d always been there. She was the person my daughter needed, she made me feel young and passionate again, and her maturity impressed me.
I couldn’t lose her. And now I was frozen by the very possibility that I might.
28
Izzi
It was Saturday, and Emma was over to hear about what had happened.
“And these stupid hormones are making me cry constantly,” I finished up as Emma helpfully handed me another tissue.
I was grateful she wasn’t judging me for all the crying I was doing. I wanted to scream with frustration and hurt. How could he be so judgmental and put all of the blame on me? How could he not even consider the positive side of my pregnancy?
“Honey…” Emma pet my hair. “I completely understand why you’re hurt. Really. But let’s take some deep breaths, okay? This isn’t helping you.”
With effort, I managed to inhale slowly, hold my breath, and then exhale slowly. Emma talked me through it, and after a minute or two, my crying finally subsided. I felt like such a wimp, making a big fuss over a man like this. I was supposed to be more mature than this, damn it!
“Very good,” Emma praised. She cleaned up the tissues I’d used and threw them away. “You’ve got every right to be upset, but—and hear me out before you start on a tangent again—so does John.”
“John?” I asked, confused. “How?”
“Well, his behavior isn’t okay, but try to see it from his perspective. He’s probably really scared.”
“Scared? He’s not the one who’s pregnant!”
“I know, honey, I know, but think about it. He lost his wife to childbirth, right?”
“Yeah.” I winced. “Her cervix didn’t open all the way and the baby, Angelica, got stuck. Something tore when Laura’s body kept going into labor trying to force the baby out, and she died from trauma and blood loss. It was really awful.”
“Then you can see why John might be upset to hear that you’re pregnant,” Emma pointed out gently. “You said that before that, he was acting like he cared about you, right? I’d put down money that he’s scared. You just told him that you’re in the same position as the last woman he loved, and he lost her, terribly, and now he might lose you the same way.”
“I’m not going to die,” I protested, even as tears welled up in my eyes again.
What if I did die and I left my poor child without a mother? Without me? Oh God. I hated these hormones, here I went crying again!
Emma passed me more tissues. “You never know. There’s still a horrible lack of research on women’s bodies and pregnancy. You can’t say for certain that everything will be fine. You just can’t. And John knows that.”
I blew my nose and wiped at my eyes. “I suppose you’re right. That still doesn
’t excuse how he treated me.”
“No, of course it doesn’t, not at all.” Emma soothed me. “He reacted poorly. I’m just trying to explain to you why that was. You’ve never experienced that kind of loss, have you?”
One of my grandparents had passed away when I was young, but that was the only real loss I’d ever known, and we weren’t super close. Anyway, it was kind of expected that your grandparents would die, wasn’t it? It didn’t catch you by surprise the way losing your spouse at a young age did.
I shook my head. “No, I haven’t.”
“Then you can’t understand how he might be feeling right now, and I think you need to acknowledge that. He’s not seeing your perspective and I think he’s reacting badly, but you have to see his, too.”
“How are you so smart?” I asked her.
Emma shrugged. “When you’ve been in as many failed relationships as I have you start to get a feel for these things.”
I laughed for the first time in what felt like ages. “Thanks, Emma. But I still don’t know what to do about it.”
“Well, I would give John time. He needs to adjust. Keep your distance and I’m sure he’ll come around. He came around on being with you at all, right? Or that’s how it seemed? From everything you’ve told me, he’s a reasonable guy. He just might need a bit of space.”
Space. Okay. I could do that.
Going in to work on Monday had me feeling like I was headed for the guillotine, but I had no choice. We were in the final push for our end of things with the launch before the product actually came out, and I needed to be there to make sure my new hires were handling everything well.
Hopefully I could do as Emma had suggested and avoid John. Not only for his sake but for my own. With how wild my hormones were making my emotions I had no idea how I would react if I had to deal with him and I really didn’t want to lose my cool.
Andrew dropped by my desk. “Hey, Izzi, didn’t see you getting lunch.”
Oh, crap, I’d been so busy trying to avoid John (and avoid everyone I could, honestly) that I had forgotten to eat lunch.
Andrew gave me an odd look. “You don’t look so good, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I forced a smile onto my face. “Just busy with work!”
Andrew raised an eyebrow. “Then why didn’t you answer my emails?”
Crap. “Um…”
Andrew sighed and folded his arms, leaning against the door frame. “Izzi, I can tell something’s wrong. What’s going on?”
I couldn’t possibly tell Andrew the truth. Not only because this was a private and personal matter, but because he’d immediately have a conflict of interest. I liked Andrew, but I didn’t trust him, at least not with something like this.
“I’m just not feeling well,” I told him.
“You’re looking pale, seriously, when was the last time you ate? If you’re not feeling well, you need to get electrolytes.”
I laughed a little. “You’re not my mom.”
“No, I’m not, but I am concerned,” Andrew replied. “C’mon, let’s get you something to eat. I’m not surprised you’re under the weather, with how you’ve been pushing yourself with this campaign.”
I really should eat something, and I didn’t want to throw Andrew’s kindness back in his face, even if what I really wanted was to just be left alone. It wasn’t his fault that my personal life was a mess, and I was dealing with pregnancy hormones.
“Sure.” I stood up and let Andrew lead me to the employee break room.
Once I stood up, I nearly lost my balance. My head spun. Oh God, maybe I should’ve eaten sooner. I felt faint.
“Ah, yeah, yup, c’mon.” Andrew got his arm around me to steady me and led me to the room. “Here.”
He poured me a glass of orange juice and passed it to me. I had to admit that it felt good to drink it, better than I’d expected. I really needed some damn food in me, obviously.
Andrew put his arm around me to steady me again, but this time I stepped back. I didn’t need his support anymore and I didn’t need him getting ideas—
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
John. I jumped a mile, nearly spilling orange juice down my blouse, as Andrew and I turned to see John standing in the doorway.
“She’s your employee,” John growled, walking over to us and glaring at Andrew. “Not your girlfriend.”
Andrew literally gaped at John, apparently in shock. I couldn’t blame him. The vitriol in John’s voice was shocking to me, and I was the one who understood where it was coming from.
I had to find a way to stop this before the train completely derailed off the tracks.
“Andrew here was only helping me because I felt faint,” I said, putting a slight emphasis on the last word so that John would understand what I really meant. “I haven’t been feeling well. I got a bit weak-kneed a minute ago, so Andrew’s worried, understandably. It’s all fine. I know you’re strict about things when it comes to me because of the accusations of nepotism but there’s nothing going on here.”
The whole nepotism thing was the only excuse I could come up with on the spot to explain why John was so angry and over the top in his tone. We had been accused of that, and it was something that we had to be alert about, and I had heard that John and Garrett had a private conversation with Andrew about his choice to go with my campaign and cause an uproar.
Whether Andrew bought that excuse or not, I wasn’t sure. But this was now the second time that John had shown jealousy over Andrew.
I thought John didn’t want anything to do with me after the pregnancy. How could he be so hot and cold like this? And he had called me a child? I was the one who was being relatively calm about this! He was swinging back and forth like he was the one who was pregnant and full of hormones and I didn’t appreciate it, not one bit.
John just snorted after I finished speaking. “Stop trying to come up with excuses for him. Andrew, you’re fucking fired. Clear out your desk.”
Now I was the one with my jaw dropping. What!? What the fuck!? All of my trains of thought came to a screeching halt. I had no idea what to do or say. This was so beyond anything I could’ve expected.
Andrew seemed to finally find his voice and his wits. He straightened up and clenched his jaw, his eyes flashing. “You’ve lost your mind. I’m not doing anything untoward. You’re convinced that I’m out for Izzi when I’ve got no such thing. If anyone has a thing for her, it seems to be you. You’re the one who should be leaving her alone.”
My stomach sank. This was bad, this was very bad. I prayed that nobody was nearby and could overhear this conversation. Knowing office gossip, I probably wouldn’t be so lucky.
“I’m going to Garrett,” Andrew told John, “and I’m letting him know what’s going on.”
He turned on his heel and left the room.
John immediately started to charge after him, but I stepped in between. There was no way this could end in anything other than blows if John didn’t get a grip on himself. “You need to breathe, John! Calm down! Breathe! You’re blowing this way out of proportion!”
The laugh John gave was bitter and harsh. “I might ask you why you’re cozying up to Andrew, hmm? Is he your next conquest?”
I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. Never in my life had I imagined that John would ever say something like that, that he would ever stoop so low. Or that he would assume such a thing of me.
“I can’t handle you right now,” I snapped, because it was true. I was going to do something stupid like burst into tears because of my pregnancy and there was no way I would let that happen. I wasn’t going to let John see me like that.
He didn’t deserve it.
I turned and walked away, squeezing my eyes shut against the sting of tears.
29
John
I felt like I was spiraling. I hadn’t been this bad since right after I’d lost Laura and Angelica had been a newborn in the hospital. I couldn’t even thin
k about Izzi or the pregnancy without a rush of cold fear.
Angelica could tell that something was wrong. She kept looking at me like she thought I was going to explode.
I was blinded by jealousy but also by fear and I didn’t know which way to turn. I knew that how I’d spoken to Izzi was wrong, that I had been harsh and hurtful, unfair, but I didn’t know how to apologize. I couldn’t seem to control myself around her. Izzi had said she loved me, that she wanted me, I couldn’t think she was the kind of person who’d turn and go to the next guy just for fun.
But what if Andrew had made his move and she’d turned to him for comfort because of how I’d treated her? What if he was taking advantage of her vulnerability? What if—
I spent all day shut up in my office, and when I got home, I paced up and down my study. I was restless but I didn’t want to go out for a run. I didn’t know what to do.
Angelica was upstairs doing her homework, avoiding me. I didn’t blame her. I felt like I was a powder keg on the verge of exploding, what kid would want to be around that?
The front door opened, and I heard heels clicking on the hardwood floor. “John?”
Penny, of all people, appeared in my study. She took one look at me and sighed. “I see Angelica wasn’t exaggerating.”
“Angelica called you?” That was the last thing I’d expect her to do.
Penny nodded. “She knows I’m one of your best friends, she’s closer to me than she is to Garrett, and I think she felt it was a work issue so she couldn’t call him or Izzi anyway since they’re a part of your work.”
She set her purse down and closed the door, walking over to me. I was wary, but there was none of the anger or the seductive light in her eyes like there’d been the other night. “John, she’s worried about you. And so am I.”
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