Bug

by Hunter, Ellie R.

  “I miss her too,” Huxley tells him, stroking his hair.

  Who is his mom? If she was a local, there’s a huge chance I’d know her. I watched him soothe Trenton for so long, I had no recollection of sitting down on the edge of the bed. He stays with him until he’s cried himself to sleep, and then he stays a little longer, careful to move slowly when he leaves him.

  I put the monitor back down and quickly stand before he walks through his own door. I don’t want him with images of me anywhere on his bed.

  I move across the room to the balcony doors and peek out into the gardens.

  “I moved rooms when I couldn’t stand to be around our things any longer.”

  I jump at his voice. I don’t know why. It wasn’t like I didn’t know he was coming.

  “Who is Trenton’s mom?” I blurt out, ignoring his statement.

  “No one special.” He shrugs, brushing past me and opening the doors.

  He steps outside and falls onto a lounger. Reaching for the ashtray, he lights a half smoked joint. I keep to the threshold and look up to the moon. I wish Tobias and I were up there, just the two of us, without the fear of this man hounding us down.

  “You told him you missed her too,” I say.

  He snorts, knowing I was listening in on the monitor. I berate myself for showing any interest.

  “He’s my son, I want him to feel better. I’ll tell him what I must so he’ll know he isn’t alone.”

  Again, I soften, and I hate myself for it. Huxley doesn’t care for anyone. I’ve never known this side of him before, and I don’t believe it’s real now. He isn’t capable.

  “So you lie to him?”

  “The only time I lie to him is when he needs me to. When I say I miss his mommy, I don’t. I know he does, and it hurts me that I can’t take his pain away. So, my lie allows him to share his pain with me, and I help him get through the nights when it’s bad. Your lie to our son, however, is soul crushing, and will destroy the relationship you have with him. And guess what? I’ll be here to swoop in and show him I’m the good parent.”

  And there he is, the real Huxley, in all his cocky, self-important glory.

  “I’m tired. What do you want from me now that I’m here?”

  He puts the joint to his lips and inhales until the cherry is draining half the paper away, and then looks up at me.

  “I want to fall asleep knowing you’re beside me.”

  That’s it? That’s all he wants from me? I mean, I’m not complaining, I can do that.

  He offers me a hit, but I shake my head no.

  “Why can’t you see we’re not teenagers anymore? You can’t force me into anything. We’re not together, we haven’t been for a long time.”

  “Why can’t you see I don’t give a fuck?” He takes one last drag and drops the butt into the ashtray. “Go get in bed, I’ll be there in a minute.”

  Pick your battles, Allison. Gritting my teeth to stop myself from saying something that will upset him, I climb into his bed and pray that Tobias sleeps through the night and into the morning. I scoot to the edge and face away from where he’ll be. I can wait for him to fall asleep, and then I’ll slip out and make an excuse in the morning that I had to leave because of Tobias.

  I hear him moving around before he walks by the bed and toward a door I didn’t see when I was looking around.

  After he flips on the light, I listen to the water running, him washing his face, him brushing his teeth, and him taking a piss. My heart thuds in my chest, and when the light flicks off, I swear my heart is deafening as the heavy beats turn into a rapid thrumming.

  I can’t relax as he pulls the sheets back, and I certainly can’t relax when he pulls me against him and winds his arm under me and around my waist.

  “Relax, Bug. I’ve got you,” he murmurs, and I can hear the smile in his voice.

  He knows exactly what he’s doing and what I was thinking. He always fucking knew.

  “It never mattered how many women I had next to me, I could never sleep properly without you. I would’ve searched for you just so I could relax. It was worth the wait, I can already feel myself crashing.” I roll my eyes into the darkness, thankful he can’t see me, and pull the sheets higher under my chin. “Huxley?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I slept just fine without you.”

  Well, after the first two years anyway, but he doesn’t need to know that. And it wasn’t because I missed him. I was paranoid he was going to find me.

  “I’m sure you did in that shithole you called a house, under sheets that probably felt like sandpaper. We’ll see how long it takes for you to get used to the finer things in life again.”

  “Things never bothered me, I’m happier without them.” He never understood that. All the gifts he gave me never impressed me. It was him I wanted—well, in the beginning.

  His breath hits the back of my neck, and I hear him crack his jaw. He used to do this when I made him angry.

  In the dead of night, it’s all I can hear.

  “Before I knew about Tobias, I just wanted you back. Now that I know about him, I don’t need to worry about you leaving me because I’ll never let him go. Oh, I have something so much more powerful over you now. You’ll play nice, and do exactly what I fucking say. You’ll wear what I tell you to fucking wear, eat when I fucking tell you to, or I’ll take him from you. I’ll have you kicked from this house and kept at a distance. You won’t even get a glimpse of him until he reaches adulthood, and I’ll make damn sure he believes you abandoned him. I’ll make him hate you.”

  The first tear falls, and I’m thankful for the darkness so he can’t see the pain I’m feeling.

  “Now, I’m going to sleep. If you try to leave in the night or before I wake, I won’t even let you say goodbye to him.”

  There goes my plan to creep out.

  “Huxley?”

  I murmur, instead of responding to his threats.

  “Yeah?”

  “You never knew how much I hated you back then, but you’re going to know it now. I’m going to show you how much I hate you every day you keep us here.”

  A yawn escapes him, and then he snuggles his nose into the crook of my neck and shoulder.

  “That’s nice. I’ll look forward to it. Now, go to sleep. We have a big day tomorrow.”

  “What’s happening tomorrow?”

  “We become a family. You, me, Trenton, and Tobias.”

  I don’t even want to ask how that’s going to go. For now, I’ll keep myself in the dark.

  “Goodnight, my sweet Bug.”

  I don’t wish him a good night. I keep my lips sealed and lie there, pretending the warmth from his arm isn’t burning through my pyjama top like acid.

  I must have dozed off. I shoot up and he chuckles at me. The sound grates on my ears and I shut him out.

  “Tonight, you’ll wear something more appropriate.”

  “Pyjamas are appropriate for bed,” I say, frowning.

  “Not my bed, Bug. Fuck me, even nuns wear less than you to bed, and they’re saving themselves for Jesus.”

  “You’re not Jesus, and I’m not saving myself for you.”

  “I’ve already had you. You had my fucking kid, so there’s the proof. And we’ll happen again, it’s only a matter of when.”

  It’s really fucking not.

  “You should wake Tobias up and get dressed.”

  The orders have started already, and I can’t bear to hear him make more threats, so I move. I’m halfway across the room when he stops me.

  I don’t bother to turn and face him.

  “So you don’t have a shit attack, Tobias starts school today. Benjamin will drive him like he does Trenton. I’ve already dealt with the paperwork. Once we’ve eaten breakfast as a family, we’ll wave the boys off and spend the whole day together. How nice will that be?”

  “Can’t wait,” I mumble, and leave him with his sarcasm.

  Rose is coming out of Trenton’s bedroom whe
n I make it to my room, and she ignores me, flitting down the stairs.

  If she thinks I care that she doesn’t like me, she can think again. I don’t care either way.

  Tobias is sitting up on the bed, already dressed in his school uniform, and his frown cuts my heart in two.

  “Where were you? Rose wouldn’t tell me. I thought you’d left.”

  I quickly make my way over to him and kneel in front of him, holding onto his hands.

  “Oh no, I just went for a walk. I thought you would still be asleep.”

  “She says I’m starting a new school today, and I have to wear these clothes. I don’t have to, do I?”

  I don’t want to answer him because he’s not going to like what he hears. I sit beside him and wrap my arm around him.

  “We’re going to be staying here for a while, so you’ll have to go to school, just while we’re here so you don’t fall behind. Okay?”

  “Why can’t we go home now? I miss my friends, and we haven’t been to see Dad in ages.”

  My chest crushes in on itself thinking of Conner. Huxley has my head spinning. It’s distracting me from my grief.

  “I know, kiddo, I know. I promise we’ll go soon. I have to sort some things out, and then we’ll be gone. Come on, let’s go for breakfast. I’ll bet you’re starving.”

  He stays quiet on the way down to the kitchen, and I feel so sorry for him. The uniform hasn’t changed since I went to school there, and I force the tears back in the understanding that he’s going through this because of me.

  Huxley is already at the head of the table, and Trenton sits in his chair at his side.

  I push Tobias’s chair in once he’s seated and avoid eye contact with Hux. For about five minutes, everything is tense, but calm.

  “Are you not hungry, Tobias?” Huxley asks, but Tobias doesn’t attempt to look up at him.

  “You should eat, shouldn’t he, Ally?”

  Tobias looks at me, and his little eyebrows pinch together.

  “You said you didn’t like anyone calling you Ally. You shouted at Dad once because he did. Your name is Allison.”

  “It doesn’t matter now, babe. Eat your breakfast.”

  He begrudgingly picks his spoon up and shovels a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

  “Can we go see Dad today?”

  “Today you start your new school,” Huxley tells him, and I want to slap him.

  Tobias keeps his eyes on me, and I can see he doesn’t want to speak to Huxley.

  “Please, Mom. I want to go home,” he whispers, and my heart breaks even more.

  Before I can open my mouth, Huxley informs him,

  “Your mom wants to live here now. This is her home, and your home.”

  How fucking dare he.

  “Come on, Tobes, I’ll take you to school myself,” I spit out, trying to keep my voice even for the boys.

  Pushing out of my chair, Tobias is quick to follow my actions and grasps onto my hand.

  “Sit, both of you.”

  My son shoots back down into his chair at Huxley’s tone, and even though I remain standing, my legs shake numbly. It’s a strange combination.

  “We haven’t finished our breakfast. Don’t make me tell you to sit again.”

  My eyes dart over to his, and the warning is there, clear as day, loud as thunder. I sit and swallow past the lump in my throat.

  “Good. Now, we’re having a special party tonight, and I want both you boys on your best behaviour because I want everyone to meet you.”

  “Why?”

  I wish my son would stop questioning Huxley, but then again, I raised him to question everything he doesn’t understand, and I like that he isn’t cowering pathetically like me.

  “Because, we’re becoming a family, and I like to show off the nice things I have.”

  Content with his answers, Tobias eats his food and washes it down with his orange juice.

  Trenton is ready and waiting when Tobias slips off his chair to collect his bag for school. Huxley pushes out of his chair, and numbly, I follow too. Trenton is excited to explain their new school to Tobias, and when they reach the door, Benjamin opens it for them and walks them out to the car.

  Trenton doesn’t turn around when he climbs inside, but Tobias does. This is so different for him. He’s used to me taking him to school and picking him up.

  “Smile and assure him that you’re happy so he can relax. Since having Trenton, I’ve learned they sense everything, so relax, and he will too.”

  “You’re making it difficult.”

  “Just how you used to like it,” he murmurs, without moving his lips.

  Tobias hasn’t taken his eyes away from us, and he hasn’t missed Huxley’s arm slipping around my waist.

  He’s going to spend the whole day at school wondering what the hell is going on, and I’m just allowing it.

  The car rolls out of the drive, and once it’s out of sight, I’m being pushed up against the rigid wooden door. His breath hits me first, and his hands hold mine up above my head.

  Collecting both my hands in one of his, his free hand roams down my back and squeezes my ass.

  “If you hadn’t run, we would’ve been married long ago,” he begins, making sure I’m watching his every move. “I’m making everything right now. Trenton was never part of my plan back then, but he’s here now, and you’ll be his mom. He and Tobias will be brothers. One big happy fucking family. So smile, my darling fiancée, and let’s go shopping. I want you looking perfect tonight when I show you off.”

  I feel sick.

  I feel twenty-one again with no options, and nowhere to go.

  But…

  I did have options, and I had the rest of the world to run to.

  Huxley will not take my son. I dig deep and put my best game face on, and for at least today, I’ll play along until I can figure something out.

  “Stop thinking. I can see your mind spinning.”

  To keep him from prying, I inquire, “Is tonight’s party an engagement party?”

  Running his nose along my jaw, he inhales, and his murmur vibrates against my soul.

  “Yes.”

  The smell of champagne and money is in the air, and as Huxley introduces me to another acquaintance of his, I can barely muster a smile. He won’t be happy. In fact, I know he isn’t. His fingers discreetly dig into my hip as his arm sits snugly around my waist.

  Trenton runs past us, a trait so out of place for him, it takes me by surprise. He’s usually so placid and timid.

  “Grampa!”

  Is that Mr. Dwyer? No, it can’t be, because that would mean Kayleigh, my best friend in high school, is Trenton’s mom.

  The best friend who begged me to leave Huxley until she was blue in the face from exhaustion. The best friend who would get so mad when Huxley made me cry or humiliated me in front of our friends. Why would she sleep with him and have his child? Dizziness threatens to drown me as I stand there, watching Trenton cuddle his grandpa, while Mrs. Dwyer plants kisses on his cheeks.

  “Now you know.”

  I can’t bring myself to look at Huxley. It’s bad enough I can feel him on me at all times. There isn’t any room to move on my own or go anywhere alone.

  “Why her?” I dare to ask.

  “She was your best friend. I thought she would be the next best thing, but I was wrong.”

  “But she hated you.”

  “Not after you left, she didn’t. And now you know. I don’t want her name mentioned in this house again. Now that you’re here, Trenton will become used to you, and in time, he won’t think of her as much.”

  Not think of his mom? Of course he will, but I keep my mouth shut. Huxley is building a fantasy world around us, and when it comes crashing down, he’s going to lose his shit. Hopefully, Tobias and I will be long gone by the time that happens.

  “When did she die?”

  “A year ago.”

  A year? So little time compared to how long I’ve been gone.
>
  “How?”

  “She died from a brain haemorrhage. Enough now. I have a surprise for you.”

  Placing his hands on my shoulders, he turns me toward the French doors, and all the air is sucked from my lungs.

  “Hold me,” I say, because I know I’m about to drop to the floor, and he won’t like the attention it will bring.

  “Gladly,” he chuckles darkly, but I don’t care.

  My mom and Dad have just walked in, and they look so lost. I haven’t seen them in nine years, and they haven’t changed much. My dad is still as tall as ever with his broad shoulders, but the lines around his eyes are deeper, and his hair has greyed completely. My mom doesn’t have one grey strand, but her night cream hasn’t saved her from all the wrinkles. She’s still as beautiful as I remember, though.

  Oh God, this hurts.

  I tried not to think about them while I was gone because it hurt too damn much. I want to throw myself in their arms and cry. I want to introduce them to their grandson, but I can’t move.

  “I thought you’d want your parents here when we announce our engagement, and also because you haven’t seen them in nearly a decade.”

  Because of you! I scream to myself.

  I haven’t seen them because of you.

  My father’s eyes land on me first, and his chest heaves before he leans down and whispers in my mom’s ear.

  She’s quick to find me, and then everything slows around me. Huxley walks us over to them, but all the words I want to say won’t come out.

  “Thank you, Huxley,” Mom coos, coming toward us and taking his hand.

  His hand, not mine. In fact, when she looks at him, there’s gratitude and adoration in her eyes. Dad stands there in his fine suit staring at me, and I can feel him assessing me.

  “Hi, Dad.”

  How pathetic. That’s all I can say?

  “You’ve been back for a week and you still couldn’t come to see us?” he grunts.

  “I…”

  I have no excuse.

  “Fred, you know she’s not well.”

  My neck nearly snaps as my head shoots to look at my mom.