He looks at me. ‘I’ll get wet.’
‘That’s the idea, idiot. Come on. Let’s have a quickie whilst Joe’s busy.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Lauren. What if he comes up?’
‘He won’t. Once he’s in Lego world he’s lost for ages.’
‘It’s not very responsible though, having sex whilst our child is downstairs. Maybe later eh?’ He slaps my wet bottom. ‘Damn, I’ve got my bloody sleeve wet now.’
He walks out. I am left frustrated. I close my eyes and feel the force of the shower on my shoulders, waiting for it to work on my muscles and release the tension. It doesn’t work, so I pad out of the shower, trailing wet footsteps and droplets everywhere, and reach into the back of the wardrobe. Returning to the shower, I switch on the bullet vibrator and place it between my legs. I lean against the tiled wall of the shower, remembering and repeating Seb’s touch of my breasts, imagining he’s here and we didn’t stop. I run the bullet over my clitoris again and again imagining it’s his fingers until I come in a delicious wave, the tension leaves my body instantly. I sit down in the bath and let the shower wash over me.
The temptation that night proves too great and I log into Facebook and click on our group. The green button indicates Seb is online.
‘I’m here.’ I type.
‘I’m pleased.’
‘I shouldn’t be though.’
‘Why are you then?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘I want to finish what we started.’
I feel between my legs get slick again, and the pull from earlier returns.
‘I can’t do that.’
‘Look, if it’s virtual, it can’t count right?’
‘I suppose not.’
‘Imagine what we were doing before your phone rang.’
It doesn’t take me much to imagine it. I’ve thought of little else all day. I’m brimming with lust again.
‘My hand is on my cock and I’m pretending it’s yours. Tell me what you were going to do.’
‘I can’t do this.’
‘Your hand’s here, I can feel it. Oh, God, tell me what you want.’
My mouth is dry. I need to decide whether to turn off the computer or stay. I close my eyes for a second and breathe. All it does is make me focus on the heat in my core. I begin to type. ‘I trail my hand down your stomach and dip below the waistline of your bottoms. I grasp you within my hand. You feel cool to the touch but I move my hand around and your cock soon warms up and gets hard.’ I feel silly typing for a minute.
‘Good. Now I have moved my hand from your breast. I’m sliding it down your stomach, below your navel and it is going inside your knickers.’
My embarrassment wears off quickly. I feel myself getting ever more slippery between my legs and my breathing gets faster. I move my hand exactly as he says.
‘Now imagine I’m touching you there, stroking you, first quickly and then slowly until you are begging for release.’
I can barely type. ‘God, yes, and I’m pumping your cock with my fist. You want to fuck me but I won’t let you. You have to come in my hand.’
‘Christ, Lauren.’
‘I need to finish.’
‘Me too. Now think of this afternoon and how we could have ended it. See you soon.’
I lean against the bed and imagine that indeed my hand is his hand, that this is a continuation of the earlier afternoon and that he’s stroking my breasts while bringing me to a climax. I rub myself faster and faster, until I feel the pressure building and I come in a fierce explosion all over my fingers.
I quickly switch off the page and lay back against the bed feeling sated.
When Niall comes to bed at two in the morning, he disturbs me. I cuddle into his back which he welcomes, holding on to my arm that I’ve wrapped around him. Now feeling guilty, I move my hand down to his stomach, but he grabs it and tells me he’s tired. I move away sitting up in bed, tears in my eyes. ‘What’s going on Niall? You’re constantly turning me down.’
He huffs like I’m being a nuisance. ‘I’ve just got a few things on my mind at the moment.’
‘Well tell me about them for goodness sake, because I can’t go on like this.’
He sits up. ‘I was thinking about seeing the doctor about a vasectomy.’
‘Oh. Okay.’
‘I really don’t want any more kids, Lauren. I love Joe to bits, but I feel too old to start again.’
‘That’s fine with me, Niall.’
‘Really? You’re still only young. I thought you might end up wanting another.’
‘Really,’ I say. ‘We’ve discussed this before. Joe’s nine. I’d have changed my mind before now don’t you think?’
He sniffs. ‘One of the guys at work’s wife has just got pregnant. Claims it’s an accident, but he’s not so sure. They’re both in their early forties. He reckons she’s had a last minute panic attack about getting older. I’ve been worrying about accidents and ending up in the smelly nappy zone again. I’m just too old. I feel settled, Lauren. I like how we are.’
‘I said it’s fine. Arrange the vasectomy. I have enough with Joe. He’s perfect.’
‘Oh thank God.’ He exhales deeply. ‘That’s such a weight off my mind. Now Monique’s pregnant I thought you might get the idea of pushing prams together.’
‘Do you know, I just can’t imagine Monique with a baby.’
‘Me neither.’ He pats my arm and turns over. In seconds he is asleep. I stay awake most of the night.
Chapter 12
The post school run finds me in a quandary. I’m supposed to be meeting Monique as usual, but Niall has woken in a happy mood and wants us to spend the morning together as he’s on a late shift. I don’t want to ruin Niall’s good mood when he seems genuinely upbeat for the first time all month, and maybe if we spend more time together I’ll stop my stupid behaviour with Seb. As I’m not due to meet Monique until ten-thirty this morning anyway, I delay telling Niall I’m going out, put the kettle on and begin to fix us breakfast. I hope he’ll understand that I still need to see her though.
Brrrriiiiiiiiing. The doorbell cuts into my thoughts.
‘I’ll get it,’ says Niall. ‘Morning Bettina,’ I hear. ‘I’ll get her for you.’
I throw the croissant packet down on the side. What does she want?
I wander into the hallway. ‘I wasn’t expecting you, was I?’
Bettina stands at the door in jeans and a blue cotton blouse with flower trim, her hair is in a ponytail. I expect her to burst into a country and western song any minute.
‘Lauren, it’s rude to keep visitors on the doorstep,’ she replies and walks past me into the house.
‘Did you put the kettle on?’ says Niall, from the lounge.
‘Yes, Love.’
‘Oh fab. Coffee, milk, one sugar, please.’ Bettina moves through into the dining room and sits on one of my comfy brown tub chairs.
‘Two things,’ she says, brimming with cheer. ‘I saw Mrs Sullivan this morning. The fair raised three hundred and seventy-three pounds. She said that about forty-six of that was from your sponge stocks. The book stall raised seventy-eight.’
‘That’s fantastic,’ I say, hoping that my enthusiasm has reached my eyes. Inside I don’t give a stuff, and just wish she’d go away. It’s now a quarter past nine and my quality time with Niall is being eroded by her presence. My arms are folded and I tap a finger against my left arm.
‘I know, and loads of mums at the school have said morning to me today. I feel like I’m actually starting to get settled in now. I’ve arranged to have coffee tomorrow with one of them, so don’t worry, I could be out your hair soon.’
‘Don’t be silly, I like hanging out. It’s just I have a lot on.’
‘Like Monique? Which is understandable, cos she’s your best friend after all.’
‘Even Monique has to take a back seat sometimes. Family comes first.’
/>
‘Don’t you usually meet her on a Monday?’
‘I’m not sure if we’re meeting today, I need to ring her.’ I take a sip of my coffee and then it comes to me. If she knew I was meeting Monique, what is she doing at the house? ‘So, you said two things?’
‘Oh yes, I just wanted to apologise for Tyler again. I think he was just trying to look cool in front of the other kids. It’s hard being the new boy.’
‘There was no harm done, it’s only water. If the weather had been any hotter I’d have quite enjoyed it.’
‘I’ll be honest,’ she whispers, looking over her shoulder to check Niall is out of earshot. ‘It looked pretty hot from where I was. Mr Kingsley still pursuing you?’
I look away. ‘Nah, he flirts, but I’ve put him straight on that score,’ I lie. ‘Look,’ I say finishing my coffee. ‘I’ve got stacks to do today, but how about we meet up on Wednesday? There’s a lovely little market at Chesterfield if you fancy it?’
‘That’d be great,’ she says, rising from her chair and picking up her bag.
The telephone rings. ‘Excuse me a moment.’ I lift up the cordless.
‘Lo? It’s me. Are you coming over?’
‘I was just about to ring you, I’ve got a bit held up at home and so I thought I’d just pop over for an hour this afternoon before I fetch Joe home, is that okay?’
‘I need you now Lo,’ she sniffs.
‘Well, it’s just a bit tricky right now.’
‘I’ve lost the baby.’
I gasp. ‘Oh my God. When? Are you at the hospital?’
‘I’m at home, but I need you. Please?’
There is just the sound of sobbing at the other end of the line.
‘I’m on my way, Mon.’
I sit on the sofa. I feel the blood drain away from my face. Poor Monique, the decision was made for her in the end.
Bettina shouts. ‘Niall, come quickly, something’s wrong.’
Niall comes rushing in. ‘What’s the matter, is it Joe?’
‘Monique’s had some bad news,’ I eye Niall, trying to transmit what I can’t say out loud to his eyes.
He nods and says, ‘Well you’d better get over there.’
I start to gather my things together. Bettina asks if there is anything she can do and I shake my head.
‘Well I’ll just have my coffee if that’s okay with you?’ she says, sitting back down on the chair. ‘Only I’m food shopping next, so it might be a while before I get another.’
‘I’ll make a fresh pot shall I?’ says my husband, in such a sarcastic tone that I can’t believe she doesn’t hear it.
‘Fab,’ she smiles. ‘I’ll keep you company for a bit whilst Lo’s out. You don’t mind if I borrow the company of your husband for a bit do you, Lauren?’
‘Erm, not at all. If it’s okay with Niall, it’s fine with me.’ He looks at me and I see his nostrils flare.
‘You’re so lucky to have such a trusting relationship. I couldn’t have left Danny with my friends.’
I stop and look at her. ‘I’m very grateful for what I have.’ I think of Monique as I say it. I am so damn lucky to have Niall and Joe. I feel tears welling up behind my eyes. ‘Well I have to go. I’ll see you later.’
‘Give Monique my love. I hope she’s okay.’
I give Niall a peck on the cheek. ‘I’ll see you tonight.’
‘See you later, Lauren.’ He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.
Bettina clears her throat. ‘Hey, audience here you two. Anyway Niall, while Lo’s out you can tell me her secrets. I believe I’m owed some from yesterday.’
I get in the car, closing the door a little stronger than necessary. I take deep breaths. What is wrong with that woman? Is it me or does she have no social boundaries? I decide my frustrations may be more about Mon. Bettina’s not to know what’s going on.
I set off. It takes me fifteen minutes to drive to Monique’s as the traffic lights decide to turn green for me today.
I rush up to the main door and ring the buzzer. Today she doesn’t come to meet me, she just buzzes me in.
Her door is slightly ajar and after removing my shoes at the entrance, I walk into the lounge to find her curled up on the sofa weeping quietly. The curtains across the patio door are drawn, casting the room in dim shadow. I pull them open to let in some light and sit next to her on the sofa, putting my arm around her. She turns and collapses against my chest, her sobbing gains momentum. I feel uncomfortable, which makes me feel guilty. Monique’s always been there to listen to my problems, but we’ve never been at this stage of raw emotions needing physical comfort. I’m not a hugging type of person, except with Joe. I’m at a loss to know what to do, so I just let her weep.
After a few minutes she lifts up her head and sits up and away from me. She smiles weakly at me. ‘I don’t know why I’m so upset, I was considering getting rid of it anyway.’
‘Yes, but you’d not decided and it’s a loss, Mon, don’t try and minimise it, you need to grieve.’ I walk into the bathroom and grab some toilet paper for her nose and pass it to her. ‘Do you feel up to telling me what happened?’
She sniffs, wiping the tissue under her nose and her voice quivers. ‘I got a lot of pain yesterday afternoon and then I started bleeding. I passed this huge clot.’ Her eyes go huge. ‘It was so frightening. I went to the hospital and they did an ultrasound but the baby was gone. They said there was nothing they could do and just to go home.’ She starts crying again. ‘I felt so alone.’
‘Why on earth didn’t you ring me?’
‘You had the fundraiser and I know how hard you’d worked on it and how Niall and Joe were looking forward to getting you with the wet sponges. I didn’t want to spoil that. It was the longest day of my life. I’m so pleased you’re here today.’
‘I’m here until school time and I’ll come back tomorrow. I presume you’re staying off work?’
She nods her head.
‘Right, I’m going to run you a bath.’
‘I can’t have one, in case of infection.’
‘Oh right, okay then.’ I drum my fingers against my arm. ‘Do you have a hot water bottle?’
‘Bottom right cupboard in the kitchen.’
I walk into the kitchen. There are a few pots in the sink. I can tackle those later. I put the kettle on with enough water to make us both a drink and fill the hot water bottle. I have to smile as I lift it up. It has a fluffy leopard print cover, truly Monique. That makes me think of how she didn’t argue when I passed her the toilet paper, she didn’t demand a leopard print tissue. I sigh. Whilst I’m waiting for the water to heat up I walk into Monique’s bedroom. The curtains are already closed. I check the bedding. There’s no bleeding on the covers, but I change them anyway. I light the Yankee candle she has on her bedside cabinet and fluff up her pillows. Back in the kitchen I sort out the hot water bottle and drinks and carry them through to her room.
As I walk back into the lounge, Mon’s eyes are drooping like she’s struggling to stay awake. ‘Right, let’s get you in your room,’ I say, and help her to her feet. I settle her down in her bed and we sit quietly while she drinks her coffee.
‘I just want to sleep; I want it all to go away.’
‘I know, Honey.’
She puts her head down on the pillow. I pull her duvet up, close the door and leave her to sleep. I go and tidy the few pots and put the old bedding into the washing machine. For a while I sit on the sofa and look out onto the patio, feeling helpless and wondering what I’ll do when she wakes. It sounds selfish but I can’t wait to see Joe, to hug him and be grateful that he was born so perfect. Once again I reflect on how lucky I am.
I leave it until the last possible moment before I leave to collect Joe from school, but Monique remains asleep. I don’t want to wake her because I’m a firm believer that sleep aids recovery. I write her a note to say I’ll be back in the morning, but to call me if she needs anythin
g, and then quietly close the door behind myself.
I meet Bettina in the school yard. ‘How’s Monique?’
‘Not good. I can’t go into details but she’s really upset about something. I need to spend some time with her. Is there any chance you could have Joe after school tomorrow? I could get Niall to pick him up and I could stay over at Mon’s.’
‘Joe can sleep over, it’s cool. Tyler would love it. I’ll take them to school Wednesday morning and you won’t have to worry about being back. Spend a couple of days with her.
‘We were having coffee on Wednesday.’
‘So? Don’t worry about that, your friend needs you.’
‘I feel like I’m letting you down though.’
‘Well don’t. You can’t look after everybody you know, and sometimes we are more than capable of looking after ourselves.’
‘Sorry,’ I shrug. ‘Thank you. I’ll meet you here in the morning and bring you his stuff.’
‘No probs. You want to have a bath or something tonight and take care of yourself for a change, instead of everyone else.’
‘I might just do that,’ I say, knowing full well that I plan on spoiling Joe to death with attention tonight.
Joe is in his element that evening. I’ve built a den in the lounge, something I haven’t done since he was little. I set it up in front of the television and give him his tea in there. I slide in alongside him and stick his current favourite film, ‘Iron Man 2,’ on. I watch his face more than I watch the film. I see his eyes light up at various points, his chuckle and the amazement when Iron Man does something demonstrating his amazing strength. Later I bring in a few small bowls with different chocolates in them. He hugs me. ‘You’re the best mum ever.’ I break out in a huge smile and wonder why I don’t do this stuff more often. I’m always on the computer these days. I realise that as much as I’ve been blaming Niall for just sitting around, that I am to blame myself. I’ve turned boring and disappeared into a virtual world. No computer tonight I decide. Iron Man finishes. I tell Joe he needs to change into his pyjamas and head upstairs. ‘Awww is it bedtime?’ he pouts.
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