‘Nope, time for Monopoly,’ I say. The world’s longest game that I usually refuse to play, protesting I don’t have time, but in truth find so boring.
‘Awwwwweeesssooome,’ Joe yells. He jumps up to give me a huge hug before bounding upstairs.
Niall comes home just before ten to find Joe tucked up in bed reading and drinking a hot chocolate topped with squirty cream and marshmallows. ‘Someone’s projecting,’ he half smiles. ‘He’ll be up all night with that sugar rush.’
‘Button it with the psychobabble. We’ve had loads of fun.’
‘I’ve seen the evidence of that fun all over the kitchen and living room.’
‘Yeah well once we settle Joe down I’m going to tidy up and then get a few things together. Bettina’s going to have Joe overnight tomorrow so I can stay with Mon.’
Niall frowns. ‘Let’s talk about that downstairs.’
Joe looks at him. ‘I can go can’t I, Dad? I can’t wait. Tyler’s got loads of Ninjago.’
‘Yes you can go,’ he says. ‘Poor dad left all alone,’ he mock cries. ‘You best give me some hugs tonight, enough for tomorrow too.’
‘What? Am I two?’ says Joe and we all collapse into giggles, then Joe jumps on Niall and gives him a cuddle.
Downstairs I quickly tidy up. Niall comes into the kitchen and follows his usual routine of getting home and sticking the kettle on whilst mooching around the cupboards and fridge for snacks. He’s in luck tonight as the remainder of four packets of chocolates remain. I see him eyeing them greedily. ‘They’re all yours,’ I state.
‘I should think so. I do of course provide the money for such snacks.’
‘Watch it,’ I elbow him. ‘Right what was with the face up there?’
He points towards the dining room tub chairs and I go and sit down.
‘Look, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but doesn’t Monique have some family of her own to look after her?’
‘Niall, she’s lost the baby.’
‘I know. Now hear me out. Are you absolutely sure she’s actually lost it and not just got rid of it? She’s never been maternal.’
I draw a breath and close my eyes for a few seconds. These two have never seen eye to eye and for a moment it really gets to me.
‘If you could have seen the state of her, you wouldn’t ask me that.’
‘Well that’s just it Lauren, I don’t see her do I? She likes to have you for herself?’
‘Are you jealous of the time I’m spending with my friend?’
‘No, I just think that sometimes, when you’re in full Florence Nightingale mode, you forget your loyalties are to your own family.’
My voice rises, ‘How can you say that?’
‘Easily. You’ve known Bettina for two minutes, and let’s face it, you can barely stand her half the time, but now she’s having our son overnight, and might I point out that none of this was discussed with me in the slightest. I might be easy going Lauren, but I am certainly no pushover. You need to rein it in with Monique. She needs to stand on her own two feet, which is just how she likes it, and you need to be home with Joe. He’s your responsibility, not her.’
I’m shocked. I don’t remember Niall ever having spoken to me this way. I want to rage against him but deep down I know he’s right. How can I abandon my friend though, when she’s always been there for me?
‘I do hear what you’re saying, but she really is in a bad way.’
‘Where’s her family?’
‘They all live in Suffolk and she’s not close to any of them.’
‘Does that not tell you something?’
‘Yes, it tells me that at this moment in time she needs me.’
Niall sighs. ‘You’re still going then?’
I look at him. ‘I’m going tomorrow after school and staying until Wednesday. It’s all arranged now, but I swear I’m listening to you, and when I’m back my attention will be where it belongs, with you and Joe. I promise.’
‘I hope so,’ says Niall, who gets up, moves to the lounge and switches the TV on.
I stand in the kitchen, thoughts swirling around my head. I feel like I’m outside myself looking in. I’ve been so busy with my friends, eBay and Facebook, that some of what’s happening between Niall and myself really is my own fault. I assume he sits in front of the TV all night cos he’s tired from work. But is it possible I’ve spent so much time the past year on the internet I could be partly responsible for this? He’s right about Bettina too. I don’t know her that well, and if I listen to Monique and Danny, she’s bad news anyway. Tonight with Joe showed me the fun I’m missing out on and before long he’ll be too cool to spend time with me and I’ll regret the missed opportunities. I whizz up a quick pancake batter ready for the morning and stick it in the fridge. Then I take out a stew from the freezer, and stick a post-it on the front saying ‘enjoy, love Mum xxx’. I pop that in the fridge as well. Now I don’t want to go. I feel so mixed-up and unsettled.
That night I know it’s going to be impossible to fall straight to sleep and despite all my new resolutions I switch on the computer. There’s a message from Seb.
‘I’ve thought about you all day today. I couldn’t get you out of my mind.’
I think of the previous night. I feel dirty and I’m appalled at myself.
I message back. ‘I’m sorry, some things have happened at home that make me realise just how much I love my husband, and these silly adolescent games I’m playing with you have got to stop. You totally rock, you know that, and if I was single it’d be different, but I’m not and I need to grow up. I’ll leave this message on until the morning and then I’m deleting the whole group from Facebook and yourself from my account. Please don’t try and stop me. You need a woman who can be all yours Seb. I am using you to replace the void I felt I had with Niall, but recent events have shown me I need to spend time with my husband and son. I hope you understand.’
I sign off and close the computer. I head back downstairs to Niall. He’s sitting in his favourite chair.
‘I’ve been thinking about what you said and you’re right. We need to spend more time together as a family, and I need to make more of an effort to be around.’ I place my hand on the waistband of his trousers. ‘Because you are so clever you’ve won a reward.’ He shuffles to let me pull down his trousers and pants and hutches forward to the edge of the chair.
‘Is it my birthday?’
‘Ssshhh,’ I tell him as I take him in my mouth. For once he doesn’t complain about missing a programme.
Chapter 13
I’m back at Monique’s by half nine the next morning, having first made sure to delete the secret group and Seb, aka Mr Uri Kent, as a friend from Facebook. He’d very simply put :( underneath my statement. I felt a little disappointed that he had no more to say than that, but let the thought go. Today is about Mon. She buzzes me in and I am surprised to see her up and dressed. She’s wearing black Sweaty Betty yoga pants, a Carrot Banana Peach fitted yoga tee and some slipper boots with little pompoms at the back of them. She is fresh faced and her short dark hair lies flat. She looks about fourteen.
‘How are you doing?’
‘Um, okay, I suppose. Thanks for yesterday. I felt a lot better after that cry and sleep. I’ll make us a drink.’
‘I brought our pastries.’ I dangle the Asda carrier bag at her, but she doesn’t bite.
‘Great,’ she moves into the kitchen. It’s a small galley kitchen, so I leave her to it as when two people are in you can’t move around very comfortably.
I pull the coffee table up to the sofa as it’s not warm enough to sit outside this morning; there’s been some slight drizzle and it’s quite cloudy and windy. I holler, ‘Have you got a large plate and some bowls?’
She brings some crockery through. ‘Here, you go. I’m not sure I’m all that hungry though.’
‘You need to eat. Do you want me to sort out drinks?’
; ‘No, it’s okay.’ She returns to the kitchen.
I empty out the rest of the carrier bag: a selection of magazines including a fashion weekly, a couple of gossip magazines and a monthly that was on offer. I place the pain au chocolats on the plate and empty the mini croissants and little brioche into the smaller bowls, and bring out a small pot of jam. I also have three girly DVDs.
Monique returns with the coffee and sees the stash. ‘You spoil me,’ she says, and I shrug.
We spend the morning quietly, as you can when you’ve been friends for a while, watching one of the movies and steadily working our way through the food. I pause it partway to make fresh coffee.
I bring it through. ‘God I love coffee, it sorts me out. I feel all warm and happy when I’ve had one.’
‘Perhaps you can get me a barrel-full then?’
‘Oh Mon, I wish I knew what I could do to help.’
‘You’re already doing it. Just being here. I’ll be okay. Just need time.’
I nod. ‘Well, it’s stopped drizzling out so let’s go and get some fresh air. You need some time out of this flat.’
She agrees and goes to get her trainers. I relax a bit as she seems to be coping a little better today.
The local park is just five minutes’ walk from Monique’s apartment. It’s a lovely park with a cafe, a playground for the kids and a large duck pond. If you walk further through there are a few pieces of outdoor exercise equipment for adults. There’s a lovely leafy walk alongside a stream that after an hour or so leads you up to a fishing lake and another cafe where they sell the most amazing butties. This fresh weather is perfect for such a walk. ‘If you can manage a walk up the Dam Cafe, I’ll buy us a chip butty and some coke.’
‘How on earth do you manage to remain so slim Lauren? Pastries, and then chips and coke?’
‘Well it’s not every day is it? I just feel like spoiling you right now.’
‘Oh enough about me now,’ Monique straightens and lengthens her stride. ‘I’m fed up being pathetic. Tell me what’s happening with sexy Seb?’
I tell her some of it, leaving out the Facebook group stuff, and just mention that he’d kissed me in the classroom.
‘Oh my God Lauren, did you kiss him back?’
‘I did at first, but I stopped myself.’ I rub my nose, it feels itchy. ‘I told him it was a mistake. I love Niall, so that’s that.’
‘Yes, but that’s twice you’ve kissed him now. I’m having a hard time being convinced you’re not going to go for round three, so how’s he going to be feeling? What if he won’t give up?’
‘I’m sure he will. He’ll get nothing further from me and I won’t see him so much now that the fair’s over.’
‘Until September. You’ll see him every day then.’
I sigh. ‘I’ll have to cross that bridge when it comes. Its ten weeks away, hopefully it will all have settled down by then.’
‘So how are you and Niall?’
‘Loads better. We’ve talked about stuff. Hey, guess what? He wants the snip. Apparently he’s been avoiding nookie cos he was paranoid I was going to get pregnant.’ The words are out of my mouth before I think about what I’m saying. I gasp and cover my mouth. ‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry. It just came out.’
‘Lo, you can’t avoid the subject; there are lots of babies about. Look.’ She points to a pair of yummy mummies strolling with their buggies.
‘Yes, but I should be thinking about what I’m saying.’
‘It’s fine, carry on. What was the hapless idiot thinking this time?’
‘He’s decided he’s too old for any more kids and thought at the last hurdle I might panic and want another, which I don’t. So now he’s okay, and going to get the snip.’
‘So the old love life’s back on track?’
‘We’re getting there slowly.’
‘I thought you were on the coil?’
‘I am, but he’s paranoid because of a workmate’s missus.’
‘I’ll not have helped.’
‘Don’t be daft. He was being like this long before your situation. Thinking about it, maybe in some ways you even helped. Maybe that made him bring the conversation up? Anyway who knows? At least the end is in sight and I can get back to some shenanigans.’
‘I’m surprised though. You’d think he’d want a brother or sister for Joe after having such an angel the first time.’
‘He grew up with three brothers. Never a moment to himself. He can’t cope with the noise kids make. Even if Joe has a friend round I can see the tension get to him after a while.’
‘Seems like Joe might suffer for that.’
‘I’ve never particularly got on with my sister. I just make sure Joe goes to lots of social events, sports groups, and has friends over. I think it’s enough. He seems to like his own company, just like his dad.’
‘Which is great cos then you have more time for me,’ she smiles and jogs up to the cafe.
On the way back the drizzle starts again, getting heavier until the rain is pouring down. Monique’s short hair looks fine wet, but I can feel mine hanging in strings with water running off it, reminding me somewhat of the sponge stocks. Monique takes one look at me and giggles, ‘Now you’ll wish you listened to me about waterproof mascara, you look like a clown.’
‘Thanks friend. I’m going to shake myself out all over your Yankee candles when I get back to yours so they won’t light.’
‘Evil witch.’
‘Troll.’
It’s heaven to get back to Monique’s. Her apartment is furnished throughout with a navy blue, thick pile carpet. I can feel my feet sink into it as I walk. I nip in the shower, then Monique does the same. We sit back on the sofa in our pyjamas with towel turbans on our heads. Spa time I shout, and out of my travel case I bring out face packs and a French manicure kit.
‘Yay,’ says Monique. ‘It’s like being on a minibreak. I’m going to call my flat the Coffee Rocks hotel.’
‘Well I think I need to sample some as Hotel Inspector to check if you are deserving of such status.’
I’m given coffee and an accompanying caramelised biscuit. ‘I give the Coffee Rocks Hotel the full five stars,’ I declare. ‘In fact I shall award six as the bathroom is not in the wardrobe.’
I go to make the evening meal around five.
‘I’m able to fix a meal you know.’
‘I told you, I’m spoiling you, so sit down and line the next movie up.’
I’m making a simple spag bol. I chop up the onion, first topping and tailing it and then I cut it through the middle and slice it up. I used to like growing onions. They fascinate me. I like that they’re complicated. No matter how neatly I try and dice them they always fall apart. Sometimes I find the inside layer is bright yellow or green, something different to what you expect. Occasionally the middle is rotten and I have to throw it away. It’s not often that onions make me cry, but the power of an onion, that as you cut through the layers it can do so, is an amazing thing. Somehow it reminds me of people and life.
The rest of the evening and the following day passes quickly. We have had a pleasant time, although there were some occasional tears and silences on Mon’s part. Monique hugs me as I leave.
‘Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I needed that.’
‘You’re welcome. I was glad to spend the time with you.’
‘Do you think Niall would let you come up for the weekend?’
I step back. ‘I doubt it, Mon, he’ll expect me to be with him and Joe. I’ve already spent two days away this week.’
‘Course, I’m being stupid, sorry.’
‘Don’t be daft, it’s understandable, you just don’t want to be on your own. I’ll try and sneak over at some point for an hour, okay? But I need to spend time with my family, especially now me and Niall seem to be getting on a lot better.’
‘Well, anytime you can get over will be great,’ she says.
As I
pass the main school doors on our way home, Seb crosses my path. ‘Could I have a quick word Mrs Lawler? It’s about the fundraising?’
I step to one side, out of the way of the streaming crowd of other parents, carers and children, and tell Joe he can go on the play equipment. As he’s usually banned from this before and after school he thinks it’s amazing and runs off.
‘I get what you said on Facebook Lauren, but can’t I just see you occasionally? I know you felt something too.’
I look at the floor. ‘There’s absolutely no point. So, please, just leave me alone? Nothing happened thank goodness, so let me be.’
‘That’s not entirely true though is it?’
My shoulders slump and I feel a bit teary. The last couple of days have left me feeling raw and emotional. ‘Seb, I’m asking you to leave it, please.’
‘But I know you feel something for me.’
I touch his arm. ‘The truth is that I think of you so much and I shouldn’t.’ I feel the heat of him through my touch and move my hand away. ‘I love Niall. I’ve never cheated and I don’t intend to. It hurts because I’m so tempted to see you, that’s why I closed the internet page, because I knew I’d not be able to keep away.’ I rub the middle of my forehead with my fingers; I can feel a headache brewing. ‘I have to though, Seb, for my marriage which I value, and for Joe.’ With that we both look at him playing happily on the frame.
He sighs. ‘I’ll try and leave you alone,’ he says. ‘But only because I care for you so much.’
‘Oh please don’t say that.’
‘Is everything okay here, Mr Kingsley? You look a bit upset, Mrs Lawler.’ Mrs Sullivan has appeared.
I step back. ‘Yes, it’s fine. I was just chatting about Joe being a bit behind with his maths and I got all emotional, silly really.’
Seb adds. ‘I was saying that next year I’ll make sure he gets some extra help if its needed.’
‘Well don’t forget my office door is always open Mrs Lawler. I understand Mr Kingsley is Joe’s next teacher and you worked together at the fair, but the first route for concerns is to Joe’s current teacher, and then me.’
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