‘Yes I do,’ I smile. ‘There’s a lot of stress going on for us at the moment but at least we’re in it together.’ I walk over and shake her hand. ‘Thanks, Mrs Sullivan, and I promise to keep things away from the schoolyard.’
‘Appreciated.’
I collect Joe from the waiting room, thank Mrs Tweedy and we head home. Pleased to be back through the door, I kick my shoes off in the hallway and sag down onto the stairs as Joe goes running through to greet his dad. I hear a female voice and wonder if it’s the policewoman, so I put my slippers on and head into the room.
I am greeted with the sight of Bettina on the settee, looking pale, red eyed and dishevelled with a tissue in her hand. I look at her and she flinches.
I turn to my husband. ‘What is she doing here, Niall?’
‘I think you’d better sit down, Lauren, Bettina’s had quite a lot to tell me. Joe, Tyler’s in the dining room on the Xbox.’
‘Wow cool, can he stay for tea?’
‘Probably not son, just go and play for now.’
‘Aww, please?’
‘Joe...’
‘Oh okay,’ he goes off to find his friend.
We’re left all together. I want to grab Bettina off the settee and throw her out of the house, but the silence is pregnant with some untold tale, so I place myself on the floor with my head resting near to the bay window and wait for her to say whatever it is she needs to say. ‘Right, what’s going on?’
Niall is the first to speak. ‘Bettina has a cast iron alibi for not breaking into the house over the weekend. She was with Tyler in Leeds.’
I look at Bettina. She is struggling to catch her breath between quiet sobs. ‘So you have absolute proof you didn’t trash my room?’
Niall answers for her. ‘Yes, she has proof. She had to deal with some issues with Danny. She’s come to tell us today, as it’s about to break in the press. Danny is in police custody, on suspicion of manslaughter.’
I hug my knees with my arms so I’m tightly curled up, grateful that I’m already sitting on the floor. Danny? Manslaughter? I know he had a reputation for being a hard case, but manslaughter? I feel my stomach flutter, if Bettina was away this weekend then who damaged my car? Who broke into our house? I start laughing, I have no idea why.
‘Oh my God, what is happening?’ I rock slightly backwards and forwards. There’s silence for a moment, then I bite my lip and turn my head towards Niall. ‘How do we know she didn’t pay someone else to do it? She’s not without money.’
‘Lauren, please?’ Her voice cracks as she turns to me. ‘I’ve come here because I’m desperate, I can’t take any more. Just hear me out and then I’ll be gone.’
‘Just give her a chance, Lauren love, okay?’
I nod.
Niall disappears into the kitchen and returns with three glasses and some sherry. ‘Medicinal.’
I turn to Bettina. ‘Let’s hear it then.’
She takes a deep breath. ‘Niall’s told me about all the trouble you’ve been having. I honestly had no idea. I’m not the one behind it, but if you want to believe that I am, please yourself, because the police know it’s the truth. Anyway, I wanted to come and clear things up for Tyler’s sake.’ She takes a drink of her sherry. ‘I told you Danny had a nasty side, and he’s got an extremely volatile temper, for God’s sake he stabbed himself in the hand. Tyler was brought up in that household, he heard our arguments and he’s spent the past couple of years thinking he has to look after me. I don’t want that. I’m the mother,’ she trembles. ‘It’s my job to protect him. That’s why I didn’t want Danny having any custody of Tyler, and why I was so scared when I thought he’d taken him from school. I’ve been trying to get his access stopped.’
‘So what happened?’
‘He was arrested Friday lunchtime for punching someone in his local bar. The man hit his head and died on route to hospital. I’m torn between feeling sorry for that man’s family, and being grateful it wasn’t me or Tyler,’ she wipes her eyes with the tissue, then sits up straight.
‘When you came to the door on Friday afternoon, I was just getting everything ready to head to Leeds. The police wanted me to come and talk to them, and I thought I might be able to get the rest of our stuff from the house, clothes and Tyler’s toys. Danny didn’t let me have anything when I left. I thought he may have thrown our stuff out, but no, it was there to taunt me, or maybe it was there in case I was stupid enough to go back.’
I rub my forehead. I can feel a headache coming on. ‘I’m sorry. I believed Danny. What he said seemed plausible at the time.’
‘Niall said Danny told you that I came here for you. I moved to be near my mum, so me and Danny had some stability, some security. I’m not lying, Lauren. I do have issues from school. What happened there affected my life. You were a potential positive in my moving here. I’d mentioned you to my doctor and she’d said if I could come back and make amends it would help deal with some of my childhood issues.’ She snorts. ‘Well that went well. I’ll be able to keep her employed for years after this.’
‘Bettina, I wasn’t to blame for you leaving school. You got me into trouble.’
‘I don’t have the energy to go there now, Lauren. To be honest I’m starting to believe with what’s happening now, that a schoolgirl spat wasn’t much in the scheme of things.’
I look at the floor and pick at some flaking nail polish on my toe. There’s more silence for a while as she worries at her tissue and I find my feet more and more interesting.
Niall breaks it. ‘What’ve you got to do now then Bettina? What did the police say?’
‘I’m free to do what I please. He’s my ex-husband. I’ve no ties to him anymore beyond the large one,’ she looks towards the dining room door. ‘I’m going to give up my rental. I’ve got a while left on the lease but I’m going to look for something larger to share with mum. I’d feel better with someone else in the house. My mother can’t wait.’ She turns to me. ‘You need to know I’m not moving Tyler from school again, he’s settling in nicely. If you don’t like me here, then move yourself. Anyway,’ she bristles, ‘why were you so damn sure it was me causing all this grief? I told you it wasn’t.’
‘It started the same time you moved here. Monique told me you were asking lots of questions about me and then Danny turned up and said you were crazy and out to get me. Things kept happening and it all just seemed to point at you.’
‘Well as for the eBay stuff, you should know that I don’t even have an account. I’ve never been on eBay in my life. I wouldn’t have a clue how to order anything, never mind do it under several aliases.’
I start to cough, despite the sherry, my throat is really dry.
‘Do you want a coffee?’ Niall asks. I nod. ‘Bettina?’
‘Yes, alright.’
‘I’ll check on the kids and fix them a quick sandwich, if that’s okay with you, Bettina?’
She nods. ‘Thank you.’
Niall leaves and I feel the draft from the door sweep over me. From down here I can see dust gathered under Bettina’s chair and decide I need to do some housework. My carefully ordered life has broken like a smashed meringue over the last few weeks.
‘Seb called me on Saturday,’ she says.
I try a naive look but it obviously fails.
‘Please. Save it. I know full well that you’ve been in touch with him. I could tell by the way he suddenly ran a mile. Why I thought he was genuinely interested in me, I don’t know, really, bearing in mind he practically tripped over his own tongue every time you walked past him.’
Something else dawns on me. ‘So you didn’t report us to the school saying we were having an affair?’
‘Of course not. Look Lauren, I’d normally hate to sound this rude, but right now I really don’t give a fuck. You can do what the hell you want with your life, screw Seb, stay with Niall, switch to battery powered. I couldn’t give a toss. Your life is of no interest to me
beyond Tyler’s friendship with Joe. Other than things that connect the kids, I don’t want to speak to you, or be involved with you in any way. I just need to keep Tyler’s life in order. I don’t need any more of your grief or your temper tantrums, or for that matter your selfishness. I’m sorry someone seems to be targeting you at the moment, Lauren, I really am. It must be very scary, not least for where Joe is concerned. I know, because I’ve been there with Tyler and I’m not trying to top you here, but have you no idea how good you’ve had it? Moaning about Niall. He’s one of the best blokes I’ve ever met, no-one’s perfect. You don’t have to work, you can just swan round shops all day going for coffees with your best mate? Then you have an extremely well behaved son, a gorgeous home with two cars and yet you feel the need to practically dry hump the schoolteacher? Grow up and don’t get a life, enjoy the one you have.’
She stands up, as Niall heads back through the doorway. ‘Sorry Niall, forget the coffee. I’ll be off in a minute,’ he looks between us, at Bettina’s now angry face and my downcast one. If I slide any further down the wall I’ll become some of that trapped dirt and dust.
‘There’s just one last thing I wanted to bring up before I go, and it’s the last time I intend to speak of it,’ she says. ‘The damage that was done to my own house over the weekend… I know it wasn’t Danny because he was in the cells, so that really only leaves me with one suspect,’ she glares at me. ‘What you did makes me sick to my stomach. I hadn’t realised you hated me that much Lauren. I realise some of why you felt you needed to do it, but I thought you were better than that.’
‘Lauren?’ Niall looks at me and then at Bettina. ‘What exactly was the damage at your house Bettina?’ I listen as she tells him and I watch his face drop. I feel like I’m watching a car with a puncture, where the tyre was filled with love and trust and then it deflates and bleeds until there’s nothing much left. How is he going to trust me now?
‘Is this true Lauren?’ he turns back to me, searching my face for the one glimmer that’ll reassure him that it’s not me, that its entirely stupid to suppose I could ever do that. I can’t meet his eyes. I look away.
‘I’ve lost my bond money and have to pay to fix the damage to the lawn.’
‘I’ll make sure you’re reimbursed, Bettina, as soon as I can,’ says Niall. ‘Though God knows where the money’s going to come from with everything else we’ve lost or had to pay for lately.’
She goes to get Tyler from the dining room. ‘Thanks for his sandwich,’ she says and heads out of the door with him.
Niall turns to me.
‘I’m not sure I know who you are right now,’ he says. ‘I think its best you go to your room.’
And like that I’m dismissed like a child, sent to bed for bad behaviour, though my own has been far worse.
As I walk into our bedroom I realise that I can’t sleep here. I can’t face Niall again when he comes to bed. This room has always been my refuge, but I feel I’ll blight it with darkness if I lay my head here. I grab my pyjamas and head off into the spare room. My spare room has always been my workspace, with a bed under the window and the rest of the room taken over by an enormous corner desk where I keep my laptop, printer and boxes of craft supplies from previous creative endeavours. I have shelves covered in craft, art and cookbooks, a pile of notebooks which I collect just because they are pretty, and two square Perspex boxes on the desk, which are usually full of the vintage trinkets for sale on eBay; they’re now are as empty as I feel. I pull down the blind to plunge the room into darkness and switch on the small light. I look at my pyjamas. They are far too cheery looking - blue and red tartan bottoms and a grey top with the appliqué ‘I’ve been good all year’ - what a joke. I go back into my room, take out a pair of black pyjamas and slip those on. It feels right. I pick up a glass candle holder, wash it in the bathroom and then pour myself a whisky, emptying the bottle. Oh look the spirits all gone I think, just like mine.
Chapter 18
Trying to sleep is a waste of time. I stare around the room in the dark trying to make out shapes as my eyes become more accustomed to the lack of light. Thoughts whirl around my mind. Bettina maintains her innocence and it seems to point that way, but is it coincidence that she delivered another blow by telling Niall about the damage to her property? If it’s not her than who the hell have I offended? Or is it Niall who has an enemy? Maybe some patient of his has a grudge; he did get crashed into in the car park? I warm to the idea that it has something to do with Niall. But then how would they know so much about me? Has someone been spying on us? I think back to Bettina. If she is innocent, then all along she’s just been an anxious mother trying to get settled near her mum and start over. If so, look what I have done, screaming at her in the schoolyard and destroying her property.
I put the light back on wincing at the brightness. I need something to do. I grab my nail polish tub from my shelf. I get out the black and paint my nails to match my mood and pyjamas. If I could make myself disappear I would. My thoughts won’t leave me alone. I feel like I’m going crazy. I want to take a holiday from my own head.
In the morning Niall remains in bed. He should have been on an early shift so I assume he’s taking a further day off. I get Joe ready for school, just having to call into the bedroom once to grab some clothes. I choose black again, easily identifiable by its darkness in my still colour co-ordinated wardrobe, though there’s not a lot to choose from anyway. I sweep my unwashed hair back into a ponytail. A glance in the bathroom mirror shows the truth of the last few days in my face, every agony is mapped out in frown lines and misery.
I walk Joe right up to the school gates this dark and drizzly morning. I’m scared in case someone is following us. I need to make sure he is safely delivered inside. I tell him I just wanted the fresh air by way of an excuse, and he takes this on board in the innocent way children do. It worries me. I feel reassured by the new password system which ensures no stranger can take my child out of school. When Joe’s inside I walk back down the driveway, folding my Mac around myself so no-one recognises me. I’m behind three of the other mothers and hear them talking.
‘Thought there must have been something going on when they had that fight outside.’
‘Fighting over a teacher they reckon. I’ve never taken to her, seems like she thinks she’s better than everyone, swanning about in that vintage shit. Her poor husband and little Joe, he’s so sweet.’
‘Well just shows you don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors. Who’d have thought it of Lauren, I thought she was a good one....’
I recognise Tanya’s voice coming out from under an umbrella. I turn left and shortcut through the nursery school. We’re not supposed to go this way unless we have nursery kids, but I need to escape the narrow minds and prying eyes.
The window is open when I get home, which indicates that Niall is up and about. Honestly it’s like living in a fridge when he’s around. It’s quite cold, yet he has all the windows and the back door open. I usually hate it because once I’m cold it takes hours for me to warm up. Today it will make no difference; I’m numb on the inside anyway. I walk into the room and see Niall fixing his breakfast.
‘Joe went off fine.’
‘Why wouldn’t he?’ Niall says, his expression pinched.
‘I’m just telling you. How long are you going to be like this? Can’t I try and explain?’
‘When I’m ready, Lauren. I’ve enough on my mind sorting out all the insurance and other finances, so don’t pressure me right now.’
At no time during this conversation does he ever look up at me.
He points back into the living room. ‘Your phone’s on the side. The police just dropped it off, said there’s nothing further they can do. No evidence of anything. The phone used was a pre-paid, they obviously knew what they were doing.’ He goes back to buttering toast and I go into the room and pick up my phone.
I can’t face putting it on. I’ll sort out
a new one today with a new number. I get Niall’s laptop and look at my emails. I see one from eBay customer services and click on it.
"Thank you for your email regarding the negative feedback on your account. Whilst we investigate the matter we have set up a temporary limit on your account of three items per week. This will be in place for the next three months whilst we monitor your account for suspicious activity. Please be aware that this limit is provided for your safety and security online."
Three items a week for three months? My business is over. Not that I think I’d have the confidence to sell much again after this. I’ve lost almost everything. The person texting was right, my dignity is shredded, my personal life is a shambles, my business is over and the cars need insurance work. The only things I have left are Joe and Monique, and hopefully in time Niall will come around. The doorbell rings and I rise to answer it.
‘Delivery for Mrs Lauren Lawler.’
I look at the black chrysanthemum wreath being delivered to my door by the local florist.
‘There must be some mistake.’
‘Are you Lauren Lawler?’
‘Yes, but ...’
‘Then it’s for you.’ He taps his pen on his clipboard. ‘Are you going to sign for it, or shall I take it back?’
I sign for it and take it back in the house to look at the card. I remove it slowly from the envelope, nervous that it’s going to contain poison or something. There’s just a plain card and on it is written ‘deepest sympathies on the loss of your best friend’. My heart lurches and I feel I need to rush to Monique to warn her, but I remember she’s at work. I rush to Niall and show him instead.
‘Leave it on the window ledge, I’ll show it to the police later. Maybe they can trace who made the order.’ He heads through the house towards the hallway. ‘I’m going for a drive, Lauren. I need to clear my head.’
He leaves me standing there.
Underneath Page 18