I hear him removing just delivered post from the letterbox and opening an envelope. I go through to see if there’s anything for me. Niall has gone deathly white, as if he’s in great pain. I’m worried for his health.
‘Niall, are you okay? Does your chest hurt?’
He thrusts a photograph at me. It shows myself and Seb on Friday evening. Though our kiss was captured through the living room window, it’s perfectly clear what we were doing. I open my mouth to explain but before I can utter a word, Niall beats me to it.
‘I will collect Joe from school tonight. Right now, I don’t want to see your face or hear any more of your lies. Get the fuck out of this house,’ he spits. ‘Be gone before I get back or I swear to God I will throw you out myself.’ He slams the door and is gone.
I collapse to the floor, all my strength is gone. I am no longer real, just a speck where there once was life.
I don’t know how long I lay there for – catatonic – before I feel like I’m looking down on myself and seeing the pathetic wreck that is laid there. I’m transported back to my childhood, when my father could make me feel this way by the sound of his shouting voice, or the crack of his hand; or by my mother’s endless words about my uselessness. I sit up in shock. I will not go there again. I am Lauren Lawler now. I have left my previous persona behind.
I get up and pace around the living room. What shall I do? I realise I want my friend. I want to tell Monique everything; she’ll know what to do. I know she’ll let me stay over, that will give Niall time to calm down. I go and pack a bag of things I need and then drag out an empty suitcase from the garage. Monique won’t be back until around half five. I decide not to ring but to surprise her instead. We can have a fun girly evening and right now I decide I’ll go around the charity shops again to try and replace more of my wardrobe. I can also get a new phone. It’s a positive thing to do and the thought of it propels me into action. I drag myself into the shower and put on some clean clothes. Before I head out of the door, I write Niall a note telling him where I’ll be and that I’ll text him my new number. I check that my address book with everyone’s telephone numbers is in my bag, and catch sight of my black nails, now the only reminder of my previous mood.
After getting a new phone, I go around the charity shops. It’s a perfect shopping day and there seems to be lots of lovely items in my size. I get some Per Una jeans, a Diesel shirt, and several pairs of casual trousers. I buy so much I have to go back to the car mid-trip to drop it off so I can start again. I open the suitcase and place the new items inside, then zip it up.
Before round two I decide to hit my favourite cafe for a cup of life juice aka coffee. My favourite sofa is available and I feel buoyed that the shopping has gone so well. I feel it a sign that my brown couch is free to comfort me. I look at my new phone. It needs charging before I can put the numbers in, so I’ll have to do that at Monique’s. I sit back and look around. There’s a new piece of art on the wall, a kind of tribal mask, carved out of wood. It has a sign under it ‘protector of the innocent’ and a price tag of a hundred and twenty pounds. It’s by a local artist. Is it total coincidence that not only do I love it, but that it appears meant for me? We can’t really afford it, but I reason the insurance will come through at some point, my jewellery was worth a decent amount of money. I flag down the waitress and buy it. I head back to the car a second time and place it in the boot.
I spend the rest of the afternoon in the shops buying more items, getting a thrill out of each purchase. I add shoes and bags to the pile. I don’t need them but each one gives me happiness. At five I decide to head to the local pizza restaurant to pick up a takeaway for myself and Monique. While I am waiting I watch a family of four eating their meals. They are all so happy, and this is communicated without words. A wipe of one son’s mouth; a mother pouring some of her coke into the other son’s glass. She and her husband looking at the kids subconsciously and smiling at each other. Their happiness shines out of them like the winter sun, and just like that, it hurts my eyes. I look down at my bags and realise that apart from the things I need, the rest of it won’t make me happy. Once again I’m protecting myself with materialistic things that will only provide happiness for brief moments. It can’t compare to the love I have for my family. I feel I’ve made the right decision to stay at Monique’s tonight, and then tomorrow I’ll go home and stand in Niall’s way and protest until he listens. I will fight for my family, they are my life. I take the pizza and go and get the car, putting the purchases in the boot and the pizza on the seat at the side of me.
I pull up to Monique’s and press the buzzer. She comes through on the intercom. ‘Yeah?’
‘It’s me. I need a place to stay tonight. I brought pizza.’
There’s a moment of silence and she buzzes me through. I walk to her door and I’m surprised to see a guy there. He’s tall and good looking, with dark, mussed hair and a flush to his cheeks.
‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I never thought you might have company.’ I cover my mouth with my hands. Once again I’ve assumed that everyone is there to look after me. ‘Sorry, I’ll leave and call you later.’
‘Matty’s just going. Don’t worry about it.’
I hold up the box. ‘Sure you don’t want to share pizza?’
‘No I’m okay,’ he says, and winks at Monique. ‘I’ve had my fill.’
She rolls her eyes at him and I feel my own face flush. I’m guessing this is Dr Love and look at his ID card hanging from his waistband. He sees me and quickly whips it off. ‘Gosh, I’ll be losing that if I’m not careful. She didn’t give me chance to organise myself, that insatiable friend of yours.’ He bounds off saying he’ll catch us later and I step into the apartment.
‘Well, you were right. He is damn hot,’ I say, and place the pizza box on the side in the kitchen. I decide I’ll not share my woes with Mon and will enjoy a girly night instead. For once I’m not going to be selfish. I’ve already maybe spoilt her planned evening.
‘He is all that, which is why even though I’d ditched him, he’s found his way back into my bed.’ She grins. ‘Anyway, to what do I owe this honour?’
‘You’ve been a great friend and I want to spoil you. I’ve bought a couple of DVDs this afternoon,’ I get them out of my bag. ‘Pick one and we’ll have a cinema night.’
She looks at me like she wants to ask me something, but chews on her lip and walks into the kitchen instead to get plates. No eating straight from the box for Monique.
We have a great evening and I feel able to distance myself from what is happening at home. In my mind I’m on a mini-break, with no focus other than Monique, fashion and fun.
After the film ends Monique stands up. ‘I’ll go and fix up the spare room quickly. I wasn’t expecting you.’
‘Sorry, I really should have called.’
‘Well I would appreciate a call in future, but I forgive you this time. It’s been a great night.’
I watch some trash on the TV. I hear Monique banging around putting stuff away and dragging out the sofa bed. She returns. ‘It’s ready when you are, but leave your clothes and stuff you don’t need out here as all the drawers are full. You’ll be fine if you stick to the area around the bed, but I don’t want you tripping up.’
‘No problems, I’ll be careful.’
We settle down to watch Big Brother as I haven’t seen it for a few days. At eleven I decide to turn in, I don’t want to keep Monique up as she’s back at work in the morning. I want to get back to see Niall as soon as I can.
I go into her spare room. It’s covered in clothes; they are draped all over the surfaces. She’s much worse than I am at buying clothes, shoes and bags. I remember I need to charge my new phone, creep back into the living room and get it. I can hear Monique brushing her teeth. I return to my room and look for a suitable socket. As I place the phone on the dressing table I see one of her jewellery holders, one of those that are shaped like a lady’s body and a
teacup necklace catches my eye. It’s just like mine. I feel another pang at its loss. I sit back on the bed thinking about the coincidence. We share the same tastes and have often bought the same thing. I wonder if Monique would let me buy it off her.
I settle under the duvet and think about how embarrassed I felt when I first turned up. A few minutes earlier and I would have interrupted her and Matty ‘at it’. I really must learn to think of others more. Another resolution going forward. I know it’s early days and he’s a lot younger than Mon, but there was a great spark between them, and I hope he’ll be able to break through her barriers. Finally, Dr Love has a name, Dr Matty Bailey. I frown, the name sounds familiar, but I can’t place where from. Then it comes to me. My eyes open wide and I shoot up in bed. The bloke who crashed into Niall’s car – he was called Dr Matthias Bailey. A wave of unease comes over me as I think of this next coincidence. I sit in the dark with my heart beating fast for a long time, until I’m sure that Monique must be asleep. I tiptoe to the bathroom and on my return listen at her door. I can hear the sounds of her snoring, something we’ve laughed at in the past and now I’m glad of the clear sign of sleep. Back in my room I switch the small lamp on and systematically go through all her drawers and cupboards. I find nothing. I’m about to dismiss my suspicions as stupid when I remember something she said to me when I told her about the break in, that she hoped they didn’t come after my shoes and bags. I never mentioned they had been left, so how would she know? A feeling of nausea begins to accompany my rapid heartbeat. I resolve to carry on looking. After about ten minutes I’m about to give up when I spy a vintage style vanity case at the back of a wardrobe. I bought it for her the first Christmas after we met. I open it up and inside find more of my missing jewellery and some photos. One of the photos is the one of Seb leaving my house. My hand shakes as I look through the pile of photos I am clutching. There are a couple of Bettina from what must be a few years ago as she looks younger. As I get to the bottom I find a well-thumbed photo of Monique gazing lovingly up at a man. The man is Danny Southwell.
Chapter 19
I carefully replace the items in the case, remembering the order of them, and get back into bed. Part of me wants to take the case and run, but instead I lie there, thinking there has to be some other explanation. Monique is my best friend. She’s shown no sign of knowing Bettina, yet there are old pictures of her. The picture with Danny indicates Monique was either a fan, or worse, a lover. It makes no sense. Why do things to me? What have I done to Monique other than be a good friend? Is this part of Bettina’s plan? Are they in it together?
I stare at the ceiling, my heart thumping. What should I do next?
I need to get out of here.
Or do I confront her?
There must be some logical explanation.
I decide I’ll stay here tonight. It’s not like I have anywhere else to go. Tomorrow at breakfast, I’ll tell her the news about Danny if it hasn’t broken already and watch her reaction. Maybe she’ll give some clue in her behaviour that’ll point me in the right direction?
Or maybe I just should get out now, while I have the chance?
But then I’ll get no answers. No, I’ll stay.
My thoughts circle like a car on a roundabout.
At six I get up as I’ve barely slept anyway. I fix some coffee and toast for myself and Monique. Around half an hour later she enters the kitchen and stretches, reminding me of a slinky cat. She smiles at me and I smile back, hoping my face gives nothing away, whilst feeling like tormented prey.
‘Did you sleep okay?’ she asks.
‘Yes, thank you. That spare bed is surprisingly comfy. Other than a quick wee I was out like a light.’
‘That’s good. I really enjoyed you coming over.’
‘Er, yeah, it was great. I’m going to have breakfast and then head back home, I fancy doing some baking.’ Another lie, in truth I have nowhere to go, and I’m not sure what to do.
‘Are you baking your cupcakes? I can’t remember the last time I had one, you should have made some yesterday before you came over.’
‘Never thought. I’ll bring you some soon, promise.’
‘Right, well I’ll head to the shower. Do you need one?’
‘No I’ll just freshen up and get showered at mine. I’ll see you in a bit.’
I stick on a bit of TV whilst I eat my breakfast and then get dressed. When Monique leaves the shower I head in and have a quick wash, brush my teeth and stick my hair back in a ponytail. Looking in the mirror I think if the circles under my eyes get any darker, I’ll look like I’ve been run over by dirty tyres. I gather all my things together, ready to leave and then head back into the lounge to say goodbye to Monique and mention Danny to her. I see she’s reading the newspaper, her face is deathly white and her head is in her hands. I reverse my steps back into the bathroom quietly and make more noise on my way out. When I re-enter her face is perky. She looks up at me like a gossip columnist who’s been in the toilet next to a drug smoking supermodel, scoring an exclusive. ‘You’ll never guess what? Bettina’s husband’s been arrested,’ she says.
‘Yeah, she told me yesterday.’
‘You spoke to Bettina yesterday? Why would you see her? Why didn’t you tell me last night?’ she shouts with uncharacteristic force.
‘I didn’t think you’d be interested. It’s not like you know them.’
If I hadn’t known to look for it, I would have missed the split second hesitation before her reply.
‘Course not, but it’s major gossip. Sorry, I got a little overexcited, we kind of know her.’
‘No worries. Anyway, I need to get off so thanks for a—’
‘No, no, no. You can’t leave me without info. How come you saw her? Tell me what she said. It says he pushed someone. Does she think he’ll get off? Seems unfair if it was an accident.’
‘She was there when I got home yesterday, saying she wanted us to know, and that whatever has gone on between us, she still wanted the boys to be able to play as Tyler needs some stability, especially with what’s happening with his dad. Other than that she didn’t have much to say, other than he’s being charged with manslaughter cos he punched the guy and he banged his head.’
‘Is she going to see him?’
She’s not interested. She’s his ex-wife now, so it doesn’t really concern her.’
‘She’s got Danny’s son.’
‘Her priority is to keep Tyler away from it all, and from the press.’
‘So do you think he’ll get out?’
‘I’ve no idea, but he’s not known for his mild manners is he?’
‘Yes, but can you believe Bettina? Look what she’s been doing to you. You only have what his poisonous ex-wife says. I’m sure he’s an alright bloke really. Maybe she set him up too?’
“She can rot in hell for all I care. She came and told Niall yesterday about Danny. I asked her to leave as soon as I arrived home. I doubt I’ll have anything to do with her again, and I’ll phone the police again if she starts anything.’
‘That’s good. Hopefully you’ll get back on your feet if she’s out from under your hair.’
‘Well I live in hope. Anyway you’re going to be late for work if you keep on yakking. Who’d have thought – Monique Henry – gossip queen.’
She folds up her fist like a microphone and talks in a reporter style voice. ‘Keep in touch, and let me know if there are any new developments.’
‘I will.’
‘She was alone with Niall when you came home? You need to watch her.’
I nod, grab my overnight bag and head out of the door. I walk calmly down the path towards the stairs, thankful that the driveway isn’t visible from Monique’s apartment and then I run, feet crunching in gravel, across the car park. I throw my things in the car, jump in the driver’s seat and reverse out of my space. I need to tell Niall what I’ve discovered and fast.
I race through the door when I g
et home, seeing the car outside and noting that Niall has not gone to work for a third day. I find him in the garden digging the hole required for the garden pond he wants. He looks at me and wipes the sweat from his brow and walks towards me.
‘Lauren.’
I can barely get out my words due to being out of breath. ‘It’s Monique... Niall, I was in her room last night and ..’
He throws down the spade and clutches his temples. ‘Good God. You nearly drove Bettina to a nervous breakdown, and now you’re starting on Monique?’
‘But I–’
‘No, I’m not listening to this right now. Look, is there somewhere you can stay another night or two? I’ll tell Joe you’re on a mini-break. He’s used to you abandoning him to babysitters whilst you float off anyway.’
Tears fill my eyes. ‘My son is everything to me, don’t you dare. Sulk away today, Niall, I’ll be back tomorrow. Hopefully by then you’ll have grown up.’
‘I need some time to think.’
‘You can have today.’ I stride away from him, picking up my overnight bag from the doorway. I run upstairs and add some clean undies and then go back out the door. I now have another day to find something to do. I need to make a plan of what to do next. However glancing at my watch I see that at the moment it’s only just turned half nine. I decide to drive down to the local cinema which is about ten minutes away; there are always some early showings so I decide to kill a couple of hours in there.
After the film I look over the entertainment complex and decide to lunch in the local pizza place. Honestly I have never eaten so much rubbish in my life as I have the last few weeks. I order a coke, and whilst I wait for my pizza, I take my cupcake design notebook and pink biro out of my bag and turn it onto a fresh page. I need to think and make a plan, and when I make plans I make lists. I consider who can help me to get through to Niall and come up with either the most logical or most stupid plan ever. Seb. Seb could help me to make Niall see sense. He’ll be gone in less than two weeks. Anyway, what do I have to lose? I write on the list:
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