1. Ring Seb.
I also need to see Bettina. I need her to wrack her brains and see if she remembers Monique from anywhere.
2. Try to find a way to get Bettina to meet me.
That’s a start.
3. Maybe speak to Dr Love?
I’m unsure of this as a plan. If Monique has set Niall up then this could tip her off that I’m onto her. Now I’m annoyed that I didn’t bring the photos and jewellery with me, but I didn’t want her to get suspicious. I just don’t understand why she would do this to me. My pizza arrives and I pick at it, struggling to find an appetite. Then I start thinking again, and regret not taking any evidence, maybe then Niall would believe me.
There’s only one thing for it.
3. Maybe speak with Dr Love? Go back to Monique’s.
I stare at my piece of paper for a while whilst eating a little more pizza. I doodle in the corner, drawing a sun and turning it into a happy face. Then before I know it, I’ve drawn lightning striking it and rain pouring. I get out my phone and send Seb a text.
I’m sorry to bother you yet again, but I need to ask you a favour. Can we meet at usual pub?
Luckily for me it’s the school lunchtime and I get a text back quickly.
I can be there by four. PS You never bother me Lauren.
A minute passes. I get another,
Actually that’s not true. You make me extremely hot and bothered.
I smile and wonder if he will ever actually change. I wipe my mouth with a napkin and ask for the bill.
It’s just gone one and I have until four to do something. I go back to the cinema to pick something else. This morning I chose a comedy in a feeble attempt to cheer myself up. This afternoon I’m plumping for an ass kicking spectacular. On my way out, sitting in the car, I send Monique a text.
Trying to sort stuff out at home. Be in touch soon xxx.
I need to keep things as normal as possible. I drive to the pub with my mind so full of current happenings, that when I arrive I’m not entirely sure how I got there. I don’t remember even being conscious of the traffic lights.
Seb is already at the pub. He looks as gorgeous as ever. Dressed in his nerd gear, I want to take off his glasses and rough up his hair. Still furious with Niall, I order a glass of wine. However I’m mindful of the fact I can’t drink much more as I need to drive to a local hotel for the evening.
‘So, much as it’s nice to see you, Lauren, what’s this all about?’
I take a large mouthful of wine. ‘Niall was sent a picture of us kissing at my house. Now he’s convinced we had an affair. I want you to come and tell him it’s not true.’
He splutters. ‘I don’t bloody think so. Not sure I fancy a cosy meet up with your hubby.’
I bite my lip and try to stop my tears. ‘Please....I’m desperate. He’s kicked me out and won’t let me see Joe.’
His brown eyes seem to darken to black. ‘He’s a total fucking dick, then. Can’t he see what he has?’ He taps his foot on the floor. ‘I’ll think about it okay?’
I wipe my eyes. ‘Thank you.’
‘Is that all you want me for? I have marking to do.’
I grab hold of the top of his hand across the table. ‘Please, don’t go.’
‘Christ, Lauren, what do you want from me? I feel like a bloody yo-yo.’
‘I’m on my own.’ I neck my glass of red. ‘Please stay and have a meal with me. I hate being alone.’
He sighs. ‘I need to get away from this – from you.’
‘Yes,’ I spit. ‘That’s what everyone seems to want, to get away from me. At most points in my life I appear to have been some diabolical person that everyone needs to be rid of.’
I go to the bar to order another glass of red wine. Sod it. I’ll have a bottle. I’ll order a taxi to the hotel and leave the car here. I smirk. I might just leave it with the door open and the engine running so Niall gets a call from the police and goes frantic, it would serve him right. I sit back down and drink another large mouthful. The blackcurrant and cinnamon flavours warm my mouth.
‘Don’t you think you should slow down? You’ll be flat on your back before long,’ Seb warns.
I look defiantly at him. ‘Isn’t that where you want me anyway?’
I hear his breath hitch. ‘I’m going to order some food, and get you some so you don’t fall over.’ He rises from his seat and goes to the bar.
Whilst he’s gone I finish off the current glass of wine and pour myself another. I can already feel it’s going to my head. I feel this slight sensation of being in a greenhouse, as if I can see everyone but there’s a distance between me and them. I like it. I’ll stop after a third glass as I know I’ll be prone to vomiting if I drink any more, lightweight that I am. But one more glass with some food, I should be able to manage and if not, who cares? Seb can call me a cab.
When he returns I follow on from my train of thought.
‘I’m going to stop at the Novotel. If I’m a bit squiffy, dial me a cab.’
He picks up the remainder of the wine and moves it out of reach. ‘That’s you done for the night. Don’t do anything you’ll regret tomorrow, Lauren.’
I smile up at him and give him the benefit of a full toothed grin. ‘I’m a bit pissed, and I’ll tell you something,’ I lean over the table and mock whisper, ‘I’ve done nothing but be a good person and look where it’s got me. My life is ruined. Well stuff it. I’m not behaving right now. I’m getting drunk and having some fun.’
I wander over to the game machine and feel in my pocket for the change I got from the bottle of wine. I stick a few quid in, pressing random buttons as I’ve never gambled apart from a few goes on the Grand National over the years. There’s a series of flashes and noise and then coins come tumbling out into the tray. I’ve won twenty quid.
‘Whoo hoo,’ eyes turn towards me and I get a few “well dones” and grins. Seb comes over and takes my arm. ‘Our food’s here.’
I heartily tuck into my scampi and chips. I smear it in tartare sauce, using up three sachets.
‘I had no idea you were such a pig with your food.’
I stick out my tongue and then get a chip and suck all the tartare sauce off. ‘Mmmmmmm’.
Seb shuffles in his seat, adjusting himself. ‘Jesus, Lauren, what’re you trying to do to me?’
I look down at the chip in my mouth and begin to giggle hysterically. I can’t stop. I take another chip, dip it in the sauce and lick up and down its length. A woman at the next table gives me a dirty look. I give her a wink back.
‘Eat your food. It’s time to go before you’re kicked out. It’s only tea-time for Christ’s sake.’
‘Why is everyone so boring?’ I roll my eyes. ‘Do you know, today I made plans and lists? Well to hell with them.’ I take out my little notebook and upend it in Seb’s pint of beer. He looks skyward. ‘I’m going with the flow, by the seat of my pants, throwing caution to the wind.’
‘I think you’ve swallowed a book of clichés along with that wine missus. Come on, let’s get you home before you fall over.’
‘I have no home. Take me to your home.’
Seb raises his eyebrows. ‘You want to come home with me?’
‘Yes.’ I puff out my chest sexily. ‘I want to see your bachelor pad.’
‘Jesus, how drunk are you?’
‘I’m just merry – merry and bright; bright like the wine was sunshine, and its brought light into my life.’
‘I’m going to take you to my flat, but just to make you some coffee and help you sober up. Then I’ll drop you off at your hotel.’
‘Oh, yes, take me to your home,’ I say. ‘Now.’ I start giggling.
Seb holds my arm to help me out of the pub. I see him roll his eyes at the landlord as he wishes him a good evening.
‘Rude.’ I mutter.
Seb’s place is nothing like I would have guessed. It’s a ground floor apartment which we enter throu
gh a hallway, like Monique’s. It’s a lot shabbier though with cracked paintwork and graffiti. Yet when he opens his apartment door, I’m pleasantly surprised. The door opens straight onto a decently sized lounge with a dark brown carpet and neutral walls. He has a large screen television and a green canvas couch. I look at him questioningly.
‘Came with the flat. Beggars can’t be choosers.’
He goes to switch the kettle on, telling me I’m to have a couple of cups of coffee. I made him take my overnight case out of my car and bring it here, so I wander off to take it into his bedroom. His room is decorated in purples, again no doubt the work of whoever owns the flat. It puts me in mind of an Arabian nights scene, and I giggle thinking of Seb as Shahryah surrounded by nubile young virgins. I don’t consider what I’m doing. I put my case in the corner of the room and lay on the bed. I’m not thinking of Niall or anyone else this time, not even Joe, I’m doing what I want; to hell with everyone else.
That’s the last I remember until the early hours when Seb accidentally wakes me up as he comes into the room. I see his alarm clock reads two sixteen.
I am thankfully hangover free. I turn to face Seb, who is picking up pillows. I am laid on the top of the bed.
‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘I was trying not to disturb you.’
‘That’s okay,’ my mouth is dry. ‘I guess I missed out on the coffee then?’
‘Yes, and you’d have loved it, a rich Ethiopian blend. It serves you right for falling asleep.’
I sit up.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Bathroom. I need some water. Then I’ll head to the couch. It’s your bed.’
‘No, you can have the bed. I’m okay with the couch. I think you need a good night’s sleep.’
I head to the bathroom, which has a smart white suite. Although basic, it looks really effective with a black and white checked shower curtain and a black venetian blind. I splash water on my face and have a few sips from the tap. Then I use the loo. I sit for a few minutes, thinking about where I am and that a man who is not my husband is only a few feet away. I strip myself down to my bra and pants, wrap a towel around myself and walk back into the bedroom. Light peeks through the curtains, casting a glow on the room so I can see my way around. I hesitate as to whether to get my pyjamas out of my case, and stand in the room, completely unsure of which way to turn.
‘Everything okay?’
One look at his open caring gaze and mussed up hair and the temptation is too much. I’m done resisting. The towel drops to the floor and I climb onto the bed beside him.
I run my hand up his tee shirt and stroke his chest. He has a slight covering of dark hair across his chest and down his navel. He shivers and grabs my hand.
‘Are you sure about this, Lauren?’
‘Sssshhh.’ I place my index finger across his mouth. ‘You’ll be gone in a few days, remember. I need this to remember you by.’
He bites my finger and turns and backs me into the bed, crushing his chest across mine. His mouth smashes into mine and I thrust my tongue between his teeth. He tastes of his Ethiopian blend. I can’t get enough. We kiss on and on, trying to drink each other in. I want as much of him as I can get, knowing this is a one-time only deal. He moves his mouth onto my neck and I twist with delight as he kisses and licks it. It makes me squirm where I’m laid as the ticklishness of it fights with desire. I raise myself up so he can remove my bra. He pauses and looks me in the eyes and says. ‘Oh, God, Lauren. I can’t believe you’re here.’
I silence him with another deep kiss and stroke my hands down his back. I help him remove his shirt and move to sit astride him. I trace the dragon tattoo with the tip of my tongue. He flips me back over and moves himself further down the bed. I can feel his desire pressing against my leg. He takes turns to suck, lick and tease my nipples. I can feel my excitement between my legs, I am so turned on. I pull him back up the bed to kiss me again, and then I slip my hand under the waistband of his pants and stroke him there.
He jerks away from me. ‘No.’
I try and put my hand back.
‘I said no.’
I look up at him. ‘You want this.’
‘Yes, but I don’t think you do, Lauren.’
He moves himself away from me and runs his hand through his hair. ‘Shit, that was so nearly a huge mistake.’
My voice trembles. ‘But…why?’
‘Because you’re hitting out, Lauren. Tell me, how will you feel if Niall apologises and we’ve slept together?’
I look at the floor.
‘If it’s over Lauren, and you want us to be together, that’s different. But I won’t do it this way, do you understand?’
I begin to cry. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing any more, Seb. I just keep making everything worse.’
‘Well I can’t decide for you,’ he says. ‘Next time I won’t stop, Lauren, I’ll fuck your brains out. I’m not a good guy, don’t you get it?’ He turns over, his back to me.
Finally, all cried out, I fall back asleep.
When I awake, I move out of Seb’s warm arms. My eyes feel swollen and gritty. I pick up my wash bag and go to the bathroom. I check my reflection in the mirror. I look tired and drawn. My eyes are bloodshot. I stare at myself, wondering what on earth is happening to me. What am I doing? I feel I need to wash last night away. Thank goodness Seb stopped me. I feel the tears welling again. I’m such a fool.
As the water washes over me, I rub my wash mitt down myself and scrub away at my skin, relishing the pain. I need to feel something. I massage shampoo into my hair, kneading my skull. I’m pulling Lauren Lawler back together. I’m letting my enemy win and that’s not going to happen if I can do anything to prevent it. I dress, dry my hair, and head back into the lounge as Seb’s kitchen is very small and has no table. Seb pulls up a coffee table, one of those sets of three that fit neatly under each other, and sets down some coffee and a plate of toast. My stomach growls as I smell the coffee. ‘Wow, that smells good,’ I say. ‘And strong.’
‘I think it should be named after me,’ he says.
I smile, pleased that he’s being normal.
‘I’ll leave you a key if you like. You’re more than welcome to stay here.’
‘Thank you. I need to regroup, and think.’
‘Well, I’ll be gone a week on Saturday. You need to decide if you want to fight for your marriage and get your life back together, or,’ he pauses, ‘you can come with me.’
I fall silent for a while, because whilst I know I do want my marriage to work, there’s a small part of me that wants to be with Seb; a tiny chink of obsidian fighting to be seen amongst diamond. I know Seb has been a little deviation from the route of my life, a wrong turning on the journey, that to me, has begun and will end with Niall.
‘Well things are slightly more complicated than that,’ I say and fill him in about Monique.
‘She must be mentally ill if she’s been doing things like that.’
‘I feel like the Monique I’ve known for the past five years was a mirage, and now I’m left with this new person who I don’t know at all. What I do know though, is that I need to get Bettina to speak to me, and then I need to see Niall.
‘It sounds like you have some things to occupy you today. As I said, stay here as long as you need to.’
‘Will you come with me to see Niall later?’
‘That’s a bit of an ask, Lauren. Look, I’ll think about it whilst I’m at work. Go see Bettina and take it from there. Maybe it’s time to step out from all the protection you place around yourself and take some chances.’ He kisses me swiftly on the cheek and leaves for work.
I get out my mobile phone and call Niall.
‘I’ll be picking Joe up from school and coming home.’
‘I’ve got school covered Lauren. I’ve taken the rest of the week off.’
‘You don’t seem to be listening. I will be picking my son up at three fifteen. I do
n’t know why on earth I’ve let you boss me around this week. Sure I’ve not told the whole truth, but I’ve done nothing to deserve being shut out of my own home. So tonight, I will be home and you’ll listen to what I have to say if you have any ounce of compassion in your bones. If not, then you can pack your own Niall, because I’m staying with my son.’
There’s silence at the other end of the phone. I feel sick whilst I wait to hear what his reply will be.
‘I’ll see you later.’
My outtake of breath makes me go dizzy.
I drive to Bettina’s and pray that she’s in. As I walk up her driveway I see evidence of the damage I’ve caused to the garden, as yet not repaired. There are yellow dry patches on the garden where the weed killer is taking effect and turned over earth where I pulled out the plants. It looks like a mole’s had an acid trip on the lawn. I knock on the door and step back.
Within a minute she opens the door. ‘Get away from my house or I’ll phone the police.’
‘Bettina. I know we aren’t friends, but I desperately need to talk to you.’
‘I’m not a sounding board for the woes of Lauren Lawler, you have Monique for that.’
‘That’s why I’m here,’ I pause. ‘I think Monique’s the one who’s been doing all this.’
She stares at me, eyes narrowing. ‘Why on earth would she do that?’
‘Because of Danny. She may have been his lover.’
She sighs, the cheated on wife discovering yet another infidelity of her husband.
She steps away from the door. ‘You’d better come in.’
Chapter 20
Stepping through the hallway, I realise that this is the first time I’ve actually been inside Bettina’s rented house. We go into the lounge. There are packing boxes piled in the corner and the room is noticeably bare. It’s decorated in the old nineties style of burnt orange wallpaper with a floral border around the middle. It has laminate flooring, an orange sofa and a beanbag. There are an array of toys around the beanbag and a folded back copy of Hello! lies on the sofa.
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