by Michael Karp
I started saying more after that, talking about how good my partner felt, how I couldn’t wait to come inside her, what I wanted to do to her next. It was great, and she complimented me on it afterwards.
Since that night, I talk during sex almost every time I get the chance. Sometimes we’re trying to be quiet or we’re having a quickie, so there are instances when I make sure to keep my mouth shut. But other than that, I let the vocals flow and I can see the difference it makes compared to being silent.
How Being Vocal Changed My Sex Life, and How it Can Change Yours As Well
First, I immediately noticed how it enhanced the balance of dominance. It’s one thing to be on top constraining your partner, and another to do it while whispering in their ear, “I’m going to have my way with you.” If you can imagine that, you can imagine how powerful it can be for either partner.
It also increased the intimacy my partner and I share. If you love your partner, sexual embrace is one of the sexiest and most intense times to say it.
Sex is an expression of your love, so when you are in a sensual position, like missionary, try vocally expressing your feelings. Oxytocin will immediately flood both of your brains, deepening your connection and putting your sex into overdrive.
I noticed that our communication got better as well. We already communicate well about what we like and don’t like, but after we started talking during sex, it became easier to openly discuss new things we wanted to try.
This can be tough for many people, because often, the things you want to try in bed may also seem a little weird to you or your partner. They can make you feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. These desires sometimes come from deep within our psyche, where many of our insecurities and past experiences come together.
But, as you gain more comfort talking to each other while having sex, while you’re both at your most vulnerable, it makes discussing this stuff outside the bedroom a little easier.
My partner and I started with relatively benign things, like a certain toy we wanted to try but never had before, or a smaller fantasy that would add a different dynamic to our sex.
It escalated from there as we got more comfortable with each other, and as our trust in one another grew and solidified. This unlocked certain fantasies and desires we never knew we had. I think that is one of the coolest byproducts of making sex talk a regular and comfortable habit.
In terms of having sex with both your partner’s body and their mind, talking is the absolute best way I have found to tap into the sexual depths of your partner’s psyche.
This is when you say stuff like, “Do you like it when I ride you like this?” and they inevitably respond with an enthusiastic “yes” (because you read the tips in the Powerful Positions chapter), it confirms in their mind that what is happening to their body is amazing.
I know it can seem weird in the beginning. It was a little weird for me as well. But as with any sexual advancement, try your best to keep an open mind to the possibilities before you. And there is no harm in taking things slow and at your own pace.
Often, someone may say they don’t like something in the bedroom, but in reality, they just haven’t been with someone they like doing it with.
Maybe they think they won’t like it before even trying it. So whether it’s you or your partner that’s apprehensive, put yourself into your partner’s shoes, practice some empathy, and develop a platform of trust to build upon.
The following sections detail a number of methods for introducing dirty talk into your sex life.
Sex Talk Should Begin Outside the Bedroom
If you have never talked during sex before, the best time to begin is actually when you are not having sex.
Compliment your partner on their butt when they wear tight pants. Tell them that it’s sexy when they polish their car. Tell them that it drives you crazy when they wear a certain perfume or cologne.
This primes your minds for more sexual dialogue when the time comes. It creates a constant sexual dynamic between you two that becomes easier to transfer to the bedroom.
At its core, you are flirting with heavy sexual undertones.
As I became more comfortable with my sexuality, in part by having more experience, and in part by reading, I discovered I have a natural tendency for sexual flirtation with my partner. My mind can spot sexual innuendos a mile away (or should I say, inYOURendos).
It’s noticing something that’s not inherently sexual, and spinning it in a way that makes it sexual. You can do this as well. All it takes is practice.
Here are some examples:
Your partner: “I can’t believe it’s so wet out there!” (when it’s raining outside)
You: “I’ll make you so wet, in here.” (joking, but not really)
Your partner: “I got such a good workout today.”
You: “I hope you saved some energy, because we’ll be working out all night.”
A sign on the road that says, “$5 CARWASH, FREE LUBE.”
You turn to your partner and say, “I know how we could use some free lube.”
You get the idea. You’re making otherwise random connections into sexual ones. It’s fun. It’s lighthearted. And it’s a good way to introduce sexual dialogue and banter.
When you say the innuendo or pun, say it in a way that is obviously joking rather than serious. Smile. Give your partner a funny look. Chuckle at yourself afterwards and lovingly tap your partner on the arm.
Sex should be fun, so talking about it should be fun as well.
Some Suggested Lines to Try…
Here are some lines that I like to say or hear in bed (or I’ve heard that other people enjoy).
I broke them up into levels, Level 1 being the least raunchy and easiest to begin with, and Level 3 being the most raunchy.
Level 1-
“I love your [body part]” (This could be their ass, their boobs, their genitals, their feet. Whatever erotic body part you feel inspired to compliment.)
“I love the way you [action]” (This could be the way they ride you, the way they give you oral sex, the way they moan, etc.)
“You are so sexy” or “You are so beautiful” or “You are so hot” or “You are so [compliment].”
“Do you like being [action]-ed by me?”
“Keep going” or “Keep [action]” (When you are really enjoying something your partner is doing. This line is great for when they have found the sweet spot to make you climax.)
“I’m about to come” or “I’m about to come so hard” or “I’m almost there.”
“I want your [body part] so badly.”
“I am so ready for you.”
“You look so good naked.”
Try a few of these the next time you have sex and see what happens.
Experiment. Be a sexual scientist.
Level 2-
“Tell me what you want me to do to you.”
“I want you to [action] me.”
“I love the way you taste” (Great for oral sex or when your partner feels insecure about their genitals.)
“Do you like my [body part] inside you” or “Do you like it when I fuck you with this [toy].”
“Yeah? Say it again” (when you have asked them a question like the one above.)
“I want you to come all over my [body part].”
“I want to come all over your [body part].”
“Turn over” or “[insert command].”
Level 3-
“I’m going to have my way with you.”
“I want you to have your way with me”.
“Tie me up” or “Hold me down” or “Hold my arms down.”
“[anything that digs deeper into either of your fantasies/fetishes]”
I know that some of these can seem weird at first, so ease into it with Level 1 stuff. Gradually move up whenever you feel comfortable.
The level of trust between you and your partner is key. Some of these lines can mean completely different things under di
fferent contexts.
With anything new you try, pay attention to how your partner reacts afterwards. This will let you know whether to keep doing it, change it up, or to stop. In the best cases, they will flat out tell you.
Of course, there are also certain things you can say in bed that will be turn-offs rather than turn-ons, and that’s okay. Don’t let it stop you from being vocal. You will know immediately whether it’s something you should keep saying or something you should never say again.
You are constantly learning, so don’t get down on yourself. Chalk it up to a funny or interesting experience, and then move on with your life (or in this case, your sex life).
You have learned a lot so far. So I think it’s time to put it all together.
The next three chapters take everything you’ve learned and combine them into a full sexual experience.
You have the theory down. Now it’s time to apply it.
Chapter 10
THE ART OF THE TRANSITION
Sex is a fluid performance. It’s dynamic, flowing from one thing to another.
Or at least, that is what’s supposed to happen…
When I first started having sex, my repertoire consisted of three positions: partner on top, missionary, and doggy style. And I usually rotated through them in that same order.
There was no flow. It was just, “Okay, you’ve been on top for a while. Let’s move to missionary. Okay, that’s enough of missionary. How about some doggy style? Alright, let’s mix it up again with a little missionary.”
This doesn’t mean it was bad sex. We were both satisfied. But it didn’t have the natural flow it could have had, which gives you the fiery, passionate sex that’s always raved about.
What was missing from my sex life in the early days was deliberate transition from one move to another.
For one, I wasn’t comfortable enough to be assertive in my decisions just yet. I also didn’t have enough in the memory bank to pull from when it was time to do something else.
All of this came with experience and knowledge, but there is something to be said about consciously understanding The Art of the Transition.
Sexual Flow – Piecing Everything Together
Luckily, you’ve read everything up until now and should have a good amount of activities to choose from in the bedroom. Let’s piece them together into something with sexual flow.
We’re going to break this down in a way that isn’t necessarily the sexiest possible, but it will make it understandable and actionable.
The typical sexual flow goes something like this:
Foreplay —> Oral Sex —> Sex —> Orgasm(s) —> Come down/refractory period
Of course, one phase or the other is skipped sometimes, and I get that this isn’t typical of the entire population. But it’s the easiest way for me to explain this concept.
We’re going to detail the same general flow, but add much more between “Oral Sex” and “Orgasm(s).”
What have we learned so far that we could add in? What choices do you have?
Manual stimulation of each other’s genitals, which you learned during foreplay.
Fellatio and cunnilingus, with each of the variations you can add to them (fingering, working the balls, stimulating the perineum, stimulating the anus, using your hand and fingers in combination with your mouth, kissing the area, teasing, etc).
Anal sex.
The Powerful Positions, including penetrative, non-penetrative, and oral sex positions. The penetrative positions were further broken down to the penetrating partner on top, on bottom, or coming from behind (and of course I included my own position - “Gravity” - for your pleasure, of course).
Incorporating sex toys and how to use them – dildos, vibrators, vibrating rings, and kinky and restrictive devices.
And getting vocal in the bedroom and how it can enhance your sex life.
That’s a pretty good list right there, but it’s a lot to remember in the heat of the moment. Let’s go one-by-one and see how you can incorporate each into some sort of sexual flow.
We’re trying to include this stuff between “Oral Sex” and “Orgasm(s)” of this diagram:
Foreplay —> Oral Sex —> Sex —> Orgasm(s) —> Come down/refractory period
Manual Stimulation-
As you already know, manual stimulation involves using your hand(s) to stimulate your partner. It’s a great way to warm each other up during foreplay, but it can also be done while transitioning from one move to another.
Imagine you are in a doggy style (receiving partner on hands and knees, penetrating partner from behind) and you have decided to switch to doggy style lying sideways. You can always direct your partner to move into this position and continue on with it.
BUT, you can also add in some manual stimulation.
For example, let’s say you have a penis and you don’t want to have an orgasm yet, but you are getting very close. You can manually stimulate your partner before going to the next position, to give yourself some time to come down and to keep your partner aroused.
You could also take this opportunity to be more intimate, kissing each other before the next position, or to heighten the kinkiness by saying what you’re about to do to each other.
Here are some key places to throw in manual stimulation during your sexual flow:
If you are moving from oral sex on the floor to having sex on the bed, pause to manually stimulate your partner.
If you’re changing positions.
If your partner orgasms best from manual stimulation, you may want to transition to manual stimulation to make them climax.
It’s possible that you could do manual stimulation as part of the come down period, but usually people’s genitals are too sensitive for contact immediately after orgasm. However, manual stimulation can come in handy again once the refractory period is over. If you two are ready for another round, start manually stimulating each other to get things going.
Fellatio and Cunnilingus-
Oral sex is my favorite aspect to throw into the sexual flow. Similar to manual stimulation, I believe it’s best done in between different positions.
You can move from a position on the bed, to having one partner on the floor giving oral, to having sex against the wall, to oral sex on the bed, to another position on the bed. The opportunities are endless.
All you need to know is that you have options when moving from one thing to another. It mixes it up. It makes sex more mysterious and more spontaneous.
If your partner has a penis, we’re generally speaking in terms of fellatio that is a precursor to more sexual activity (Pre-Sex Fellatio).
You’re trying to avoid the refractory period for now. If you are the one giving oral, try not to make it overly pleasurable, but it should still feel good. If you are the one receiving, control yourself and stop your partner if you get close to the point of no return (when you are about to come and can’t stop yourself).
If your partner has a vagina, it doesn’t matter whether you receive oral sex as a precursor to more sexual activity or the sexual activity in and of itself, because the technique is the same either way. You’re going for maximum pleasure.
If you are the one giving oral sex, it doesn’t mean you should put tons of pressure on yourself to give your partner an orgasm every time you transition into oral sex. For the sake of transitioning and spontaneity, if you end up giving your partner an orgasm (or multiple) that’s awesome. But don’t shy away from doing it by putting too much pressure on yourself.
How long should you remain in each transition? Unfortunately, I can’t give you an totally clear answer. Enough time to make it worthwhile, so you are able to give or receive pleasure for a definite period of time, but not long enough so that it halts your momentum.
You’re going to have to judge this one yourself. Just know that if you spend too long in a transition, that transition becomes the sexual activity in and of itself, rather than a part of the sexual flow.
Do
n’t bounce around like you’re on crack, but don’t lag too long in any one transition.
Anal Sex-
Throwing in anal sex can be tricky, but it’s doable. The key components here are proper preparation and hygiene.
Depending on the receiving partner, they may need some time to warm up before penetration happens so that it doesn’t cause them loads of pain. Some people can go straight for it, but let’s assume this isn’t the case:
Make sure you have lube handy, preferably before starting any sexual activity. Place it within easy reach so you don’t have to waste time finding it, especially in the dark.
Make sure you have multiple condoms handy. Key word: Multiple. You will see why in a second.
You or your partner can do this, but place a condom on your finger, lather it with some lube, and use it to warm your partner up. Get their anus used to being stimulated and penetrated.
When you two are ready for penetration, use a different condom for the object doing the penetration, lather it with some lube, and you’re on your merry way.
When you are ready to transition into something else, TAKE THE CONDOM OFF.
Sorry, didn’t mean to yell at you. But this is important.
You DO NOT want to use the same condom for something else that has just been used for anal sexual activity.
Take it off, throw it away, and you should be good to go. But to be safe, if you want to use the object again in further activity, it may be smart to clean it first.
Using this method, you should be ready to safely add anal sex into your sexual flow whenever you and your partner wish.
The Powerful Positions-
First, a recap of the positions:
Penetrative-