by Michael Karp
Lean your head near your partner’s ear, and give them one slow, sensual breath that hits the general area. The ear is a sensual organ, so your partner may respond with pleasurable shudders down their spine.
More manual stimulation-
Manual stimulation can also be a part of multitasking.
If your partner has a vagina, just about any position where you can reach the clitoris is a good opportunity to try stimulating it with your thumb or fingers, as long as it isn’t too sensitive. You will know once you give it a try.
If your partner has a penis and testicles, just about any position where you can reach either one is a good opportunity to try stimulating them as well.
You can also stimulate the outer part of the anus or insert a finger to stimulate the inner part, if your partner enjoys it.
Sucking-
Sucking on different parts of my partner’s body is one of my favorite ways to multitask. It provides a good balance between pain and pleasure.
You can suck on your partner’s neck (a highly erogenous zone), AKA give them a hickie. It may have a bad reputation, as if you’re marking your territory (because of the possible bruise). But it feels good nonetheless.
You can also suck on your partner’s nipples, which can be sensitive to stimulation and provide a lot of pleasure. And on their fingers, toes, or ear lobe.
Covering your partner’s eyes-
This is something I like to do if I don’t have a blindfold available, or if I don’t want to pause having sex to get it.
Simply take your hand and cover their eyes as you’re having sex.
Once again, it adds a sense of mystery for your partner and gives you a sense of domination, or the other way around if you are the partner getting your eyes covered.
A great time to do this is during missionary type positions, during doggy style lying on your sides, or while giving oral sex if you can reach far enough.
Grabbing, holding, and stimulating body parts-
You heard me talk about “leverage” quite a lot in the chapter on positions. It’s when you’re holding onto something to help aid in thrusting or sexual motion.
There are a few parts of your partner’s body that are useful for this. You can grab your partner’s arms, especially if you are in a position where the penetrating partner is coming from behind, or if you are in a missionary type position.
If your partner has breasts, grabbing them can provide leverage for you and pleasure for them. If you have breasts, grabbing your own and massaging them can also be very erotic for your partner to see.
Grabbing hold of your partner’s butt is another good one. Try giving them an ass slap and grabbing it right afterwards.
You can also up the intimacy by holding hands with your partner while having sex.
Constraining body parts-
Constraining parts of your partner’s body is similar to grabbing and holding onto them, but with the specific purpose of restricting movement.
If you are on top in a missionary style position, you can hold your partner’s arms down. If you are coming from behind, you can grab your partner’s arms and hold them backward. You can also grab your partner’s hands and hold them down, constraining them and keeping you balanced and stable at the same time.
If you are providing oral sex, try constraining your partner’s legs.
Pretend choking-
You must be very careful with this one, and I suggest discussing it with your partner before trying it. Also, come up with a safety action to let your partner know if you ever want to stop, like tapping their shoulder 3 times or tapping them on the nose. Make it something obvious.
Choking is a dominant act, and must be done with a high level of trust between both partners. You don’t want to entirely constrict the airway.
You want to give their mind the perception of being choked, so apply most of the pressure to the sides of the neck where their muscles are, rather than on the front where the windpipes are located.
If your partner is doing it to you, make sure to tell them how you would like it to be done.
Again, communication and safety are important here. But it can be an extremely hot way to multitask, if done in the right environment.
Mastering Multitasking
You are completely free to be creative here. Combine as many of these as you wish, and try to come up with some new ones that I haven’t covered.
It may seem daunting at first to see this list, so when you know you are going to have sex, pick one or two and implement them. Then communicate with your partner afterwards and see if they liked them. Once you get comfortable, move on to more.
Soon enough, they will become a natural part of your sexual flow, and you will have become a master of multitasking.
As you try certain moves in the bedroom, you will notice that each has a level of dominance and submission associated with it.
These roles play out constantly in the bedroom. The next chapter tells you how this happens, and how to take advantage of it in your sex life.
Chapter 13
THE BALANCE OF DOMINANCE
I have mentioned dominance and submission several times. Now it’s time to explain it.
Once you know your options in the bedroom, it’s a good time to play around with the balance of dominance.
I am the more dominant partner in my sex life, but I wasn’t always like this. In the beginning, I was usually more passive or on the same level as my partner. This meant that I wasn’t making very many decisions, I wasn’t directing the sexual flow, and I wasn’t taking any sort of control, like constraining or restricting my partner.
As I became more comfortable in the bedroom, my true sexuality started to come out. I naturally grew into the more dominant partner, and I was more sexually compatible with partners that leaned towards the submissive side of the spectrum.
This lead to some great sex, but also some not-so-great sex when I ended up with partners that were dominant as well.
My view is, when two submissive partners or two dominant partners have sex, one has to secede and one has to take the reigns as the more dominant partner, even if the balance is only slightly skewed.
This means that for the most part, one has to follow the directions of the other and one has to give directions. I may be totally wrong here in many instances, but in general, this is what I believe is true.
You will have to decide what’s true in your own sex life. For now, it’s important to note that this aspect of sex does exist and it plays out in noticeable ways.
Characteristics of the Dominant Partner
Here are some potential characteristics of the more dominant partner:
They make decisions in the bedroom, such as what to transition to and how to do it.
They do more of the constricting and constraining – exercising control.
They usually use toys on their partner, rather than the other way around.
They usually initiate the use of toys on themselves by commanding or suggesting that their partner do so.
They are usually more focused on their partner’s pleasure, rather than their partner focusing on them (the keyword here is “more.” I’m not saying this definitively, but this is how the spectrum is generally oriented).
They are usually more vocal in telling their partner what they are going to do next.
They are usually the partner doing more things to their partner, rather than their partner doing things to them.
They usually initiate sex more often.
They tap into the submissiveness of their partner, giving more commands than requests.
They usually take more responsibility for their partner’s pleasure and orgasms.
Characteristics of the Submissive Partner
Here are some potential characteristics of the more submissive partner:
They follow more direction rather than giving it.
They vocally confirm what their partner is doing to them.
They typ
ically don’t make commands, but rather request what they want to do and how they want to be pleasured.
They mostly have toys used on them, rather than initiating the use of toys on their partner.
They are usually the recipient of most of the physical pleasure.
They are usually subject to the sexual flow, rather than directing it.
They typically initiate sex less often, and enjoy when their partner initiates it.
They tap into the dominance of their partner, releasing control.
Of course, these are all generalities and are not meant to be taken as matter of fact statements. Everyone’s balance is different, and it fluctuates with different partners who have different compatibilities with each other. It also fluctuates as you gain more experience in the bedroom, as it did with me.
Hopefully, you can now identify where you and your partner(s) lie on the spectrum. Once you understand this, you can orient your sex more towards the end of the spectrum you are on.
And when you’re having sex and going through the sexual flow, you will be able to tell whether you should be more dominant or submissive depending on what’s happening.
How to Apply the Balance of Dominance to Your Sexual Communication
The balance of dominance can cause some conflict in the bedroom, especially when partners are new to each other and haven’t figured out each other’s sexual tendencies yet.
Let’s say you are a very dominant partner, and your partner is slightly submissive. You express your dominance through ass slapping, directing the sexual flow by physically suggesting which positions to get into, and you enjoy pretend choking.
Your partner enjoys being submissive by getting their ass slapped and by following your direction, but being choked is too dominant and makes your partner feel uncomfortable.
If this hasn’t been communicated beforehand, this could lead to trying out choking for the first time and receiving a defensive response from your partner.
Obviously, you will respect their wishes to not be choked, but you may feel that some of your dominance has been undermined, making you feel less like yourself in the bedroom. And your partner may feel like they didn’t play their usual role, and may feel like the sex is off.
This is one of the reasons why communication is so important. Often, the things we like and dislike in the bedroom have dominant or submissive characteristics attached to them, as in the above case. Some examples:
Doing the ass slapping – perceived as more dominant
Getting their ass slapped – perceived as more submissive
Directing the sexual flow – perceived as more dominant
Following the direction – perceived as more submissive
Doing the pretend choking – perceived as more dominant
Being choked – perceived as more submissive
When these likes and dislikes aren’t communicated properly, it can lead to conflict and a disruption of the dominance/submission balance.
When discussing the intricacies of your sex life with your partner, pay attention to the dominant and submissive characteristics of each act. It may give you some insight as to why your partner dislikes or likes something, and to the nature of your own desires.
It also becomes easier to make requests in the bedroom, like when you want to try something new that your partner isn’t comfortable with. They may be more open to trying it if they understand that it’s coming from your desire to be dominant or submissive, and you may be more open to trying what your partner wants to do if you understand where their desires are coming from.
It also provides a platform from which to tap into your partner’s fantasies. You will start finding ways to enhance their dominant or submissive tendencies with subtle things like whispering a certain line in their ear or the way you pull their hair or hold their hands down.
The balance of dominance is fun to play around with and can enhance your communication and understanding of each other.
Which segues into our next chapter perfectly – practicing effective and empathetic communication.
Enjoying The Book?
If you’re enjoying The Guide to Great Sex, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!
Head over to this page on Amazon.com (the review page for The Guide to Great Sex) and leave an honest review.
If you don’t know what to write, you could include 1) what you like about the book, 2) what you would improve, and 3) which people you think would benefit from this book.
This will help other people decide whether or not it’s right for them, and help me understand what people like and how I can improve the book.
Thanks!
- Michael
Chapter 14
COMMUNICATION PRACTICES
The absolute greatest sex – by far – happens between two people who care about each other’s pleasure equally and unselfishly.
If you want to have great sex, throw out your ego, throw out any self-absorption you have in your sex life, and throw out any sexual selfishness.
Communication must begin from a place of mutual caring for each other’s pleasure and satisfaction, from a place of vulnerability, and most importantly, from a place of trust. Only from there can one’s sex life reach astronomical heights.
Communication is harped on constantly in sex articles on the internet. But they rarely go farther than, “You should communicate with your partner about what you like and don’t like, and be attentive to your partner’s needs.” While this is true, it goes much deeper than that.
Having sex is one of the most vulnerable acts you can do with another person. All of your insecurities, all of your anxieties, all of your stress about your performance, your body image, your past experiences – they can all converge in the bedroom.
When communicating with your partner, try your best to practice empathy. Try your best to put yourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective. And if they aren’t doing this for you, let them know that you would like them to.
It’s also important to set up boundaries in the bedroom, especially when you get deeper into sexual fantasies and the kinkier stuff. It takes a long time to build trust in one another, so that trust should be held sacred.
Here’s a comment from a Redditor that applies to this topic:
“Trust in the bedroom builds up over time and can be taken away in a second. Define what trust means in and out of the bedroom.”
And another Redditor talking about discussing sex with your partner:
“Also, I think that some people may experience awkwardness talking about sex. It's not always easy to discuss casually, we're so afraid of hurting people's feelings or feeling judged.”
I think both of these comments hold true.
You may want to tell your partner that you don’t like something they’ve been doing in bed for months, but you haven’t had the heart to hurt their feelings. You have decided to keep it inside, but it’s becoming a bigger and bigger issue for you. It’s hard to bring these things up with someone you care about, and even more difficult to say it in a way that doesn’t hurt their feelings.
You may also want to try something new, but this “something” has been deemed “weirder” by societal standards or is not as common, making you feel like you can’t talk about it. But it has been eating away at your thoughts and your fantasies. You want to discuss trying it with your partner. You just don’t know how. You don’t want them to judge you.
I have laid out exact scripts and worksheets you can use to work through this communication with your partner. I’m framing them in a letter format because going through dialogue wouldn’t provide as good of an example.
You can use these as samples or follow them exactly. Either way, they should help ease the process. I have also included some helpful considerations to keep in mind when discussing these issues.
Script #1 – Discussing Something You Want to Try
There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about, but I’ve be
en holding off on it because it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I’m more comfortable with you than I have been with anyone else, so I’m going to push through and say it anyway.
It’s about something I’ve been wanting to try in the bedroom. It’s not exactly something that our friends have done, and it makes me feel weird just thinking about it. But it has been eating away at my thoughts and I can’t keep it in any longer. And most importantly, I want to try it with you, because I trust you so much and my feelings for you are so strong.
I want to try being handcuffed (note: or whatever you want to try). I know you’re not into being dominant, but I would love for you have total control over me in the bedroom, at least once, just to see how it is. If you do this for me, I would love to do something for you as well. It’ll be like a trade!
Either way, if you are absolutely not comfortable with it, that is totally fine. I don’t want you to feel pressured into it, and I wouldn’t want to feel that way myself. But I do think it would be something fun to try. If we end up hating it, we can stop immediately. And if we end up loving it, awesome!
Let me know what you think.
Keep in mind-
Your partner may be uncomfortable with what you want to try, so communicate that you understand this.
Let them know this isn’t something you want to do with just anyone, but that you want to share it with them and them alone (I get that this won’t be totally true all the time, but it makes it more special).
Try to see your request from your partner’s perspective, and be empathetic to how they may feel about it.
Don’t pressure them. The more you pressure them, the easier it will be for them to deny your request and more conflict will arise. Give them a way out by saying if they’re too uncomfortable, it’s okay and it won’t change the relationship.