The Guide to Great Sex

by Michael Karp

  If your partner is making this type of request to you, imagine that you had a burning desire to try something. Step into your partner’s shoes. Think about how you would want your partner to react. Then react accordingly.

  Script #2 – Telling Your Partner That You Don’t Like Something They Do in Bed

  Our sex life is absolutely amazing. You’re a freak in bed and you turn me on so much. I get horny just thinking about you as I go about my day.

  I love everything you do in bed, especially when you pull my hips into you whenever we have sex (or whatever you genuinely love about what they do). But there’s just one thing that I know you like to do, and it’s really hot, but it actually kind of hurts me (or the reason why you don’t like it).

  I wish it didn’t, but I can’t control it. And I don’t want you to feel bad thinking that it’s your fault or anything. It’s something neither of us can control.

  When we’re in that position where you’re on top of me, and you roll your hips side to side, it feels really good for the most part, except it hurts my lower back quite a lot. I think it’s from an old injury I got in high school, but it’s pretty painful.

  I don’t mean to make you feel bad, because if it wasn’t for my back, I would love it 100%. You look so hot when you’re rolling your hips like that. But it hurts enough to where it totally distracts me from your sexiness.

  I know I can’t be a complete saint, so if there is anything I’m doing that you don’t like, feel free to tell me. I’d rather both of us openly communicate like this and get these things out of the way, than stay silent doing things in the bedroom that actually hinder our sex life.

  Keep in mind-

  Your partner may love doing the thing you don’t like, and may think that you love it as well. If this is the case, some of their sexual ego and self-esteem may be tied to this act. So let them know the reason(s) why you don’t like it, as gently as you can.

  Compliment them on the things you like first. Make them genuine comments. There’s no use in communication if you are going to lie and fabricate things. Be honest, but be tactful in your honesty.

  Extend the lines of communication by being open to finding out something they don’t like which you do in bed. This makes it more of an open forum, rather than one person being targeted.

  Script #3 – Discussing a Fantasy You Have

  This is something I have never shared with anyone. I only think about this when I am by myself, and I’ve kept it a secret for years.

  But I want to share it with you, because I trust you not to judge me, even if you don’t want to try it.

  I have this sexual fantasy. It feels weird for me to actually explain it out loud, so please, don’t make fun of me. It’s a fantasy where you knock on the front door and pretend like you’re delivering a package (insert whatever fantasy you have). We don’t know each other, but when we see each other, we’re immediately attracted to one another.

  You say it’s hot outside, so I invite you in for a drink. But next thing I know, you grab my face, pull it in to yours, we start kissing, and eventually stumble into the bedroom and have sex.

  I know it sounds a little funny, and it’s not like I would want something like that to happen in real life. But I feel so comfortable with you, so pretending like we didn’t know each other would be really hot for me.

  How do you feel about it?

  I also want you to feel comfortable telling me any fantasies you have that you would like to act out. We might as well get them all out in the open and see which ones we want to try. I think it could be really fun. What do you say?

  Keep in mind-

  Fantasies can be uncomfortable to discuss, whether they are your own or your partner’s. However, they are also completely natural. Pretty much everyone has them. So try to create an environment of understanding in which to let them out.

  Invite your partner to share their fantasies as well.

  Script #4 – Talking About Your Insecurities and Anxieties

  I wish this didn’t bother me, but I can’t help it. I feel really insecure about it and it makes me extremely anxious. It’s got to do with something we do in the bedroom.

  Up until now, I haven’t said anything. I know I should have said something in the beginning, and that’s my mistake, but I didn’t want you to feel like I was taking something away from you. I also know that it’s my insecurity and I have to deal with it myself, but it’s gotten to a point where I can’t do it anymore – at least not for a while until I work through it.

  Using the dildo on you makes me very uncomfortable. It’s bigger than me, and I’m scared you might like it more than me. I know this is crazy, because that thing is a piece of rubber. But I can’t help it. Every time we use it, it makes me feel so uncomfortable.

  I know that it’s something you enjoy, and to think that a toy could replace me is nuts. But it’s an insecurity I have been dealing with my whole life. I hope you can understand that.

  I am totally open to other toys, so if there is something else you want to try in the meantime, I’m all ears. I just can’t use that one anymore. I’ll get through it eventually, but for now, it’s causing me too much stress.

  Thanks for being so understanding. If you have something you would like to talk about, I promise I won’t judge you either and I’ll do my best to help you through it.

  Keep in mind-

  Insecurities run deep. They can cause people intense amounts of stress and anxiety, especially when it comes to sex.

  In the present, insecurities are largely uncontrollable. It takes time to work through these things. So if your partner suddenly brings up something they would like to stop doing in bed, don’t take it personally. This may be something they have been dealing with for years, and it may have been hard to talk to you about it.

  Also, don’t be afraid to express your insecurities. Often, one of the best ways to get through them is simply to let them out. Tell them to someone you trust and who cares about you. They may be able to provide a different perspective to help you out.

  Once again, maintain an open forum. When expressing an insecurity, your partner may be harboring their own. Give them an opportunity to express theirs as well so you can work through each other’s together.

  Establishing Boundaries

  Knowing each other’s boundaries is an essential part of communication. This is where you really get to know your partner’s likes, dislikes, and subtle sexual tendencies. These play out in the bedroom constantly, so it’s important that you’re attentive to them.

  I understand this is harder to do with casual relationships and one-night stands. Sometimes the nature of the relationship dictates that this stuff isn’t communicated.

  What you can do is a simplified version of what I’m about to show you. You would do everything verbally, and usually right after or right before having sex. Then, if you end up having sex again, you will understand much more about your partner’s desires, your partner will understand much more about your own, and it will materialize itself into better sex.

  I got this idea from a commenter on Reddit. The commenter noted that when she first got together with her partner of 10 years, she wrote out a list of things for them to discuss about their sex life. Each item was rated on a scale of 1-10. Afterwards, they could swap papers, compare answers, and have a much more open and structured discussion about their sex life.

  They also came up with a sexual bucket list, which can give partners goals to strive for and make trying new things more fun. I think both of these ideas are brilliant.

  Using these two ideas, you can gain a number of things:

  Knowledge of what your partner likes and dislikes.

  What boundaries you should stick to.

  A platform for open communication.

  Goals to work towards together.

  A way to communicate without actually having to say anything, which can make it easier to get started.

  I’ve come up with two sample lists, o
ne including topics for discussion where you would provide a rating for each, and another with possible goals for a sexual bucket list.

  I suggest using these as a guide, creating your own, and trying them out. You never know how much it could deepen your connection and improve your communication skills.

  Topics for discussion (the first four came from the Redditor)-

  What level of trust do you have for your partner in the bedroom?

  How kinky are you?

  How kinky do you think your partner is?

  How kinky are you willing to go for your partner?

  How comfortable are you talking openly about sex?

  How much do you enjoy giving oral sex?

  How much do you enjoy receiving oral sex?

  How much foreplay do you like, 1 being “not very much” and 10 being “a lot”?

  How willing are you to try anal sex?

  How willing are you to try having sex in public?

  How willing are you to try experimenting with sex toys?

  How comfortable do you feel with being vocal in the bedroom?

  How comfortable do you feel being constrained by your partner?

  How comfortable do you feel being blindfolded?

  How comfortable do you feel watching porn with your partner?

  How comfortable are you discussing sexual fantasies?

  How comfortable are you acting out sexual fantasies?

  How much do you enjoy being more dominant?

  How much do you enjoy being more submissive?

  How much do you struggle with sexual anxiety and insecurity?

  When you print it out, write a number from 1 to 10 next to each question. Each partner should fill out their own answer sheet.

  Afterwards, switch papers and read over your partner’s answers. Then discuss each answer. Along the way, you will figure out where your partner’s boundaries lie and where to go from there.

  Example Sexual Bucket List-

  Have sex on the beach

  Perform oral sex while driving

  Have sex in the backseat of a car

  Have sex on the kitchen floor

  Use a toy on each other at the same time

  Take a trip to the sex shop together

  Watch porn together

  Play a sexual card game

  Have sex four times in one day (or as many as you desire)

  Have sex in the shower

  Perform/receive oral sex in the shower

  Have sex with the curtains open

  Have sex while watching a movie

  Read an erotic book together

  Try constraining each other

  Fulfill one fantasy of each partner

  Research tantric sex together

  Try five new positions every month

  Have anal sex

  Surprise one another with a sexual gift

  Add multitasking into the bedroom

  Have a threesome

  Try switching dominant and submissive roles

  Have sex in every room of the house

  Have sex every day for a month straight

  Have morning sex every day before work for a month straight

  Have sex while cooking dinner

  Have sex while eating dinner

  Make a porno together

  Each partner would create their own, switch with their partner, then collaborate with each other on what they want to pursue.

  Applying the Communication Principles

  The biggest part of communication is practicing empathy. You have to try your best to see where your partner is coming from, and they should do the same for you.

  The next big thing is being open and honest with your partner. It’s okay if you feel uncomfortable. These things are inherently uncomfortable, but that’s why it is so important to talk about them.

  Bottling up these thoughts and feelings doesn’t do you any good.

  Expressing them does you a world of good and will bring you and your partner closer together. You may also experience some of the craziest sex of your life. And all you had to do was tell your partner you wanted to try something new.

  Communicate with empathy, communicate honestly and openly, establish boundaries, and write out your desires.

  Ba da bing, ba da boom.

  Great sex awaits.

  Chapter 15

  UNLOCKING SEXUAL FANTASIES AND FETISHES

  You probably have fantasies and fetishes you don’t even know about.

  They are lodged in there, in the deeper reaches of your subconscious, and simply haven’t had a chance to expose themselves yet.

  When I first started having sex, and for about a year and half after, I had no clue I had a fantasy to dominate my partner. I didn’t even know what that meant until it happened.

  I didn’t know that I would find it really hot to tie my partner up, and that my partner would find it really hot as well.

  I didn’t know that the thrill of getting caught while having sex in public would consume my thoughts for a period of time.

  At this point in time, I don’t have any strong role playing fantasies. But I am completely open to them, even though my acting skills are crap.

  And who knows, maybe I do have a powerful role playing fantasy lodged in there somewhere. There’s only one way to find out. I’ve got to try it.

  So, how do fantasies arise out of our subconscious?

  I have a theory that a lot of them come from the sexual ideas we were subject to when we were growing up.

  I watched a lot of porn in my pubescent days, and as you watch more and more of it, you start going deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. That may have had an impact on my sexual psyche, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the same for many people.

  If you grew up in a sexually closed off environment, where you were shamed for expressing your sexuality, you may have been compelled to rebel against it, becoming more open-minded and experimental in the process. So the experiences you had in your early sexual development may have had an impact on the fantasies and fetishes you have today.

  If you can observe the fantasies you have today, try looking into your past and see if you can find their roots. It may help you understand why you have them, and in turn, help you understand your partner’s fantasies and fetishes.

  So, if fantasies reside in our subconscious, how do we unlock them?

  I believe that the key to unlock these fantasies is made out of the trust you have in one another.

  As this trust builds, your mind relaxes, opening the doors to many things (sexual and non-sexual) that allow themselves to be expressed.

  It may come in the form of a desire being blurted out randomly in the middle of a sexual conversation. It may come out after a few drinks and your words are flowing out more comfortably than usual. It may come out in the middle of passionate sex, when one of you screams out exactly what they want to be done do them.

  This trust leads to opening up to one another, and can be sped up like crazy by following the communication principles presented in the previous chapter.

  As you become more comfortable having sexual conversations, that feeling of weirdness starts to go away. Discussing where you want to eat dinner and discussing a new sex toy you want to try become just as natural to talk about.

  For those in casual relationships, you start to initiate these conversations more frequently with people you’re attracted to, naturally filtering out the people who aren’t comfortable discussing it, and naturally filtering in the people who are comfortable. This leads to increased overall sexual compatibility and openness.

  These sexual conversations lead you two into the deeper reaches of your desires.

  Maybe there’s a fantasy you’ve masturbated to a few times. You begin considering asking your partner if they want to try it. You are a little bit uncomfortable because it’s only something you have fantasized about. You have never considered actually making it a reality.

  But you and your partner have be
come so much more comfortable discussing this stuff that it doesn’t seem nearly as strange as it would have a while back. So you say, “What the hell, why not? Let’s see where this thing takes us.”

  And so you discuss it, you find out that your partner has fantasized about the exact same thing. Suddenly, you both get that feeling of nervous excitement in the pit of your belly telling you that you’re about to have another pivotal experience.

  As you share more sexual experiences, the connection grows further. Every experience becomes your little secret that only you two have intimate knowledge about.

  This permeates your connection in many ways, through inside jokes as you walk down the street, through a quick glance when someone says something related to your experience together, and through the subtleties of your sexual flow in the bedroom.

  All of these things can compound upon each other, leading to spontaneous expressions of these fantasies and fetishes in the bedroom. Without any sort of premeditation, you suddenly get a desire that you’ve never had before.