by Michael Karp
What are your sexual values?
Chapter 17
WHAT ARE YOUR SEXUAL VALUES?
In any aspect of life, our values help us decide what we choose to accept into our lives and what we choose to reject.
Sometimes this happens consciously, and sometimes it happens unbeknownst to the individual.
I think dating provides a good example of this. Your values determine much of who you date, and they pop up constantly.
Imagine you are a devout follower of your faith and you meet an awesome person. This person makes you laugh, they are fun to be around, you find them attractive, they get along with all of your friends, etc.
Then you find out they are 100% atheist. In your mind, you have always pictured yourself ending up with someone who may not have to follow your specific religion, but who devotes themselves to some sort of religion. This is a big thing for you, and you are almost uncompromising in terms of this trait.
Despite how much you like them, your conflicting values may override your feelings, hindering the possibility of you two dating.
In dating, this type of instance plays out in many ways, such as in differences in values regarding one’s profession, their health, their life ambition, their goals, their current stage in life, what they are looking for in a relationship, etc.
These values act as natural filters for your dating life, filtering in the people who are right for you and filtering out the people who are not.
I first heard about this concept from Mark Manson. I realized the same thing applies to our sex lives, so I have adapted it to our discussion.
Whether you realize it or not, you value certain aspects of sex. When you meet someone with conflicting values to your own, or you end up in bed with someone with conflicting values to your own, odds are the interaction won’t go any further.
You may meet someone, find them attractive, connect with them, and go home with them that night. But once you have sex, you find that the individual is a selfish lover who doesn’t have any interest in your pleasure.
If you value mutual caring for each other’s pleasure when having sex, this becomes a conflicting value, making you unlikely to want to sleep with them again.
As another example, the sex may be really good with someone and you connect on all the right levels. But when it comes time to talk about your sex life and trying new things, your partner shuts off, not opening themselves to discussion whatsoever.
If you value open communication in your sexual relationships, and your partner values avoiding these discussions, this conflicting value may cause a breach in your relationship and your sex life.
Sometimes, people understand that conflicting values are at the root of these types of interactions, but other people are completely unaware of it. Either way, they play a major role in the direction of your sex life.
My point: When you understand the sexual values you hold, you are better equipped to navigate your sex life in the direction YOU want it to go.
When you find someone who doesn’t share your values, you can make a better decision about how to handle it. When you find someone who shares your values, you can make better a decision about whether to move forward with them or not.
However, having conflicting values with someone doesn’t give you permission to be spiteful or to make them feel bad for not sharing your values. It is simply a state of being and should be left at that. If you part ways it should be on neutral ground, not because one of you feels high and mighty and the other feels guilty for not sharing the other’s values.
It’s a natural occurrence. It happens all the time. And it should be handled in a mature manner.
That being said, when you do share sexual values with someone, it can be a beautiful thing and lead to some of the best sex of your life.
This is when things just click together. Your sexual flow feels natural. Your communication is open and understanding, and you grow together as sexual beings. It’s truly beautiful.
Which Sexual Values Do You Hold?
Let’s figure out which sexual values you hold, assuming you are not entirely conscious of them already.
I’m going to list some of the more powerful ones. They will be different for everyone on an individual basis, but I believe this is a good general outline.
Being yourself in the bedroom. You value someone who can be their true selves, even when they are lying completely naked with you. You value someone who you feel comfortable enough around to be your true self as well.
Having fun. This is a big one for me. You value people who can laugh at themselves when they’re naked, or look at some mishap afterwards and see the humor in it. Sex shouldn’t be serious all the time. For whatever reason, some of the funniest stuff happens when you’re having sex.
Mutually caring about each other’s pleasure. This is when two people take an active interest in pleasuring each other. The scale of who-is-pleasuring-who is relatively balanced, and when it becomes too unbalanced, the partners work together to take steps to rectify it.
Being open and honest. You value people who will tell you straight up what’s going on in their mind, rather than bottling up what they are frustrated about. You also value this in yourself, and try your best to hold yourself to it.
Communication. You value being able to discuss certain aspects of sex in an open environment that is free of judgment. You also value being able to talk about issues in a way that doesn’t hurt the other person’s feelings.
Safety. You value being safe in the bedroom, both by practicing proper hygiene and protecting against STIs and unwanted pregnancy. You also value being in a safe environment where you can be vulnerable with another person.
Trust. Trusting each other is huge when it comes to having great sex. You need to be able to trust that your partner will keep certain things about your sex life a secret if you ask them to. They should be able to trust you as well.
Comfort. You value being comfortable around someone. This means that when things get awkward (which is practically inevitable, especially in the beginning) you two will be able to work through it and make it into something positive. You also feel comfortable being naked around them and expressing your desires to them.
Connection. Sex is an intimate act, even if it is only for one night. I have always valued the connection that I make with someone, in committed or uncommitted relationships. It makes sex deeper and more fulfilling.
Status. You may value the status of your partner in the bedroom. At first, many will see this as the superficial aspects, such as their looks. We can also look beyond that to how cool they are, how well-rounded their personality is, how sociable they are, etc.
Sexual compatibility. This is how well you two match together on a sexual level. Does your flow coincide? Do you have a good balance of dominance and submission? Do you fit together on both a physical and mental level?
These are just some of the values you may have in the bedroom. Try your best to delve deeper into the reasons why you like certain people or certain things in bed, and you may end up finding that the root cause is from what you value.
Once you know what you value, you will be able to communicate this to your partner or partners, and you will be able to screen for the people who will be your most fulfilling sexual partners.
Chapter 18
SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY
I have discussed sexual compatibility quite a lot, so I will keep this chapter short.
When my partner and I first got together, we immediately knew that we were sexually compatible. Everything just clicked.
Our minds worked the same in the bedroom. We hardly had to say anything about actually having sex, because most of it happened naturally. There was a natural sexual connection between us that was hard to explain at the time.
All we knew was we were sexually compatible, and it was awesome.
Sexual compatibility can be something that you intuitively feel, like between my partner and I. But I believe it can also
be raised and nurtured.
If your sex life isn’t so great, take responsibility for it. Don’t blame someone else for bad sex. It doesn’t help and it only makes people feel bad about themselves.
If you take responsibility for it, you can do your research and help out a partner who may need to brush up their skills. You can also initiate more communication about your desires, write up some lists and trade them like we learned in the communication chapter, and lead you and your partner towards a better sex life.
Working to grow together like this will nurture sexual compatibility. You will foster a stronger connection, deepen your sexual knowledge together, and it will materialize in the bedroom.
The more you understand about sexuality, and about your own body, the more likely you will be sexually compatible with the partners that enter your life.
Chapter 19
A NOTE ABOUT PORN
As I said before, I watched a lot of porn in my pubescent days. I don’t necessarily regret it, because porn answered a lot of my questions about sexuality when I was that age. However, I do believe there are much healthier ways I could have found those answers.
Porn is not reality. Porn is a business, and their business is to make sales and increase profit, just like any other.
The way they do that is by appealing to our deepest desires for control and intimacy. They appeal to our desire to live out our fantasies vicariously through the people on the screen, without having to face some of the tough realities of real life.
They do this by using certain angles that make things look bigger. They use actors that have undergone plastic surgery to accentuate their body parts. They use “buffers” to help people maintain erections. And they fake orgasms for the camera.
I am not denouncing the industry. I am warning you that you should not take too much of what you see in porn as reality, as I did when I was younger. It leads to a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety, and it also portrays an unrealistic perception of what sex is like in real life and what it truly means.
Rather than living vicariously through porn, try your best to make your fantasies into a real reality. Often times, it starts by working on yourself – by getting your lifestyle in order, by increasing your sexual knowledge, by taking an interest in your health and wellness, by building a fulfilling social circle, by expressing yourself freely to people, by finding a passion that will carry you through your life.
After that, sex will come naturally to you, and you will wonder why you spent so much time watching porn when you could have been experiencing something much more meaningful first hand.
I’ve found that porn in small doses is not detrimental. When it becomes a borderline addiction, or a full-fledged addiction, that’s when it has adverse effects on your life.
If you watch porn, know that the real thing is much, much better, and is fully attainable.
Chapter 20
THE SEXUAL CONQUEST
Sex is such an interesting part of our lives. We can become completely different people once we sneak under the sheets with someone.
There is so much to explore, so many parts of our human psyche that are still untapped, waiting for the right key to come unlock them.
I believe that almost anyone can be consumed by the allure sex poses. It becomes a challenge to reach certain milestones – losing your virginity, receiving your first oral sex, giving your first oral sex, having sex in public for the first time, trying your first sex toy, making love for the first time.
It’s fun. There’s also a certain amount of ego involved. It feels good to be doing this stuff, and I do think that sex is a fundamental need we have as human beings.
But it’s also important not to place too much emphasis on your “success” or “failure” in this conquest. I’ve been through periods where I wasn’t having any sex, and for whatever reason, I let it affect my self-esteem and my sense of self-worth.
This is an unhealthy view of sexuality. You are letting your mind become vulnerable to an outside force that can be largely out of your control.
The conquest shouldn’t be a conquest at all. There shouldn’t be anything to conquer, or to do better than someone else, or to do before someone else.
It should be an exploration of this aspect of life. You should try your best to seek the truth in your sex life. Find out what you truly want. Find a partner or partners who share your desires. Make the most of those experiences.
Don’t do this for personal gain or to make yourself feel better. Don’t do it to selfishly “get yourself off.”
Do it to genuinely share a unique connection with someone.
Do it to have the most fun you possibly can.
I mean, that’s what this is all about right? Having a good time?
So take what you have learned here, go forth in your sex life with confidence and determination to find that truth which only you can find, and I will leave you with one last thing:
This may be The Guide to Great Sex, but in reality, you are your own guide to great sex.
Navigate wisely.
REFERENCES and FURTHER READING
The Men’s and Women’s Health Big Book of Sex
She Comes First – The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman - Ian Kerner, Ph. D.
WebMD – The Sexual Response Cycle
Wikipedia – Anal Sex
WebMD – Anal Sex Health Concerns
Wikipedia – Sex Positions
Down to earth guide on STIs – Mark Manson
WHERE YOU CAN FIND ME
You can find me on my blog, MKarp.net, where I write unfiltered thoughts on life, love, and sex.
You can also email me at [email protected]. I am always open for discussion and I read every email.
P.S. Did You Enjoy The Book?
If you enjoyed reading The Guide to Great Sex, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!
Head over to this page on Amazon.com (the review page for The Guide to Great Sex) and leave an honest review.
If you don’t know what to write, you could include 1) what you like about the book, 2) what you would improve, and 3) which people you think would benefit from this book.
This will help other people decide whether or not it’s right for them, and help me understand what people like and how I can improve the book to help even more people.
Thanks!
- Michael Karp