by Michael Karp
That being said, here’s what I suggest:
Get tested at least every two partners.
Always have a couple condoms on you when you go out, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and especially if you plan on engaging in anal play.
If you are using a condom, always put the damn condom on or have your partner put the damn condom on. There is no use in having it with you if you are not going to use it, and there is nothing worse than waking up in the morning after a night of unprotected sex, wrought with anxiety about the myriad of STIs you may have just caught. It’s just not worth it. Trust me.
In my view, the possibility of getting an STI should not lead you to completely refrain from sexual activity. Here’s a down to earth guide on STIs written by blogger and former dating coach, Mark Manson.
Not only does he list symptoms and treatments, but he also came up with a way to rank different STIs based on what it would be like having them and the likelihood of catching them.
When I was tripping out about this stuff, reading that article helped me out a bunch. But remember, you must always use your own best judgment, especially when your health is concerned.
For Those With Penises
Penis size-
As I mentioned before, I’ve experienced this anxiety (actually, I’ve experienced almost all of these anxieties to some degree).
Personally, I blew it out of proportion, and if you’re experiencing it I’m sure you are too.
Overcoming it-
The Big Book of Sex states that the average length of an erect penis is 5.1 inches, and that “if your erection measures 4 to 6 inches, you’re quite normal.”
So how should you truly measure your penis?
One: If you are with a partner who only cares about your size, then you’re with the wrong partner (or partners).
Two: Your penis is not the only value you have in the bedroom, by far. Read the books I listed above about pleasuring your partner, especially She Comes First.
The author went through his own struggles with sexual anxiety (namely premature ejaculation), learned how he could pleasure his partner in other ways, and eventually became a sex therapist.
With the wealth of knowledge out there, there’s no reason why you can’t follow the same type of path.
Three: There’s an advertising principle called “Length Implies Strength.” It’s related to the length of your ad and sales copy and how it communicates the credibility of the words. Luckily for many people, this principle is not as sound when it comes to their size.
While length can be a huge turn on for partners, girth may actually be the measurement that’s really providing most of the pleasure. For those that don’t know what girth is, here’s a definition:
Girth – the size of someone or something measured around the middle (Merriam-Webster)
Basically, it’s the circumference of your penis.
Here’s an excerpt taken from She Comes First describing the anatomy of the vagina:
“Rare is the man who says, “I made love to her as subtly and lightly as a feather”; “I grazed her vulva as with the delicate wings of a butterfly”; “I barely touched her she came so hard!” And yet such language would be more appropriate, as the inner two thirds of the vagina are substantially less sensitive than the outer third.”
Once you enter the vagina, most of the nerve endings (which provide the pleasure) are in the first couple inches or so. The same is true of the anus. The G-Spot and prostate are located a couple inches into their respective genitals.
Strictly in terms of pleasure, the clitoris, outer and inner lips, vaginal entrance, and the first third of the vagina are where most of the pleasure is happening.
The author, Ian Kerner, argues that society is too fixated on the power of the penis in providing pleasure, when we should be focusing our efforts on creating “pleasure not just with our penises, but with our hands and mouths, bodies and minds.”
My point isn’t to undermine the importance of your member. It’s to show that it’s not your only value. I’m not doing the book justice, so I highly recommend buying it and reading it yourself.
All of the previous information in this guide should be a testament to why it is not your only value as well.
Just like anything, if you are basing your self-worth on something external, like the size of your penis, you are only making your identity more vulnerable to outside forces.
So, reorient your sexual self-worth to other aspects of sex, such as oral sex, teasing, foreplay, multitasking, and the balance of dominance, and gradually over time you will overcome your anxiety.
Premature Ejaculation-
Premature ejaculation occurs when someone with a penis climaxes too early during sexual intercourse.
My experience with premature ejaculation has been somewhat sporadic. When it happens too quickly, it’s usually because it’s been a long time since I last had sex or because I haven’t masturbated in a while.
Either way, it sucks. But it’s not as huge of a deal as you could be making it out to be, and tons of ways exist to overcome it.
Overcoming Premature Ejaculation-
The Men’s and Women’s Health book lists many ways to last longer, but I’m going lay mine out first, because it’s my book and I can do what I want:
Have more sex. If this is possible for you, have as much sex as you can. Get your penis accustomed to the feeling of sexual activity. If you come early the first time, take a 15-30 minute break until you’re ready to go again (the refractory period), then try again. See if you last longer. Typically, you will last longer if you have already ejaculated.
When you’re having sex and you feel yourself reaching the point of no return, pull out immediately and let yourself readjust. However, don’t just stop the interaction entirely. Even if you are out of action for a bit, keep your partner in the action with oral sex, finger play, manual stimulation, or using a toy until you are ready to go again.
Try different positions. For instance, doggy style positions provide less stimulation than missionary. If you feel like you’re about to come, you can switch positions and use that transition time to take a short break (don’t forget The Art of the Transition!)
Try not to mentally focus so much on how your penis feels. Keep the motion going, but pay attention to touching your partner’s body, kissing them, their hands grabbing your arm – something else that’s going on. Distract yourself from the feeling of your penis.
Take it away Men’s and Women’s Health:
Start-stop. Try to develop a strong intuition for when you’re about to climax. When you feel it coming, stop all of your motion and take a short break.
This method physically cuts off the urge to ejaculate: Once you feel you’re about to come, “you or your partner squeezes the head of your penis with a thumb and index finger to thwart ejaculation. Squeeze right below the head, focusing the pressure on the urethra – the tube running along the underside of the penis. This pushes blood out of the penis and momentarily represses the ejaculatory response.” Once you can do this on command, you can train yourself to last longer. Try practicing while masturbating as well.
Have a pre-sex orgasm. If you know you’re going to have sex soon, masturbate.
Use a numbing condom. Benzocaine, a topical anesthetic that reduces sensation in your penis, is used in some condoms, such as Trojan Extended Pleasure and Durex Performax. Keep the condom on, because if the anesthetic leaks out it could numb your partner. You can also use anesthetic gel designed for teething infants or gum inflammation. However, on the same note, be sure all of the gel is absorbed, or put a condom on, so you don’t numb your partner.
Have your partner be on top.
Give your partner an orgasm first. This will take some of the pressure off.
Stop thinking about your orgasm. Whether you’re thinking about having an orgasm or trying to stop yourself, you are still using the part of your brain responsible for triggering an orgasm. Focus
on something else, like gently pulling your partner’s hair, kissing them, or sucking on their neck.
With all of these techniques, don’t be hesitant to ask your partner to help you out. Odds are, they’ll be more than happy to help you overcome any anxieties you have, just like you should be for them.
Erectile Dysfunction-
This is one anxiety that had quite a lasting impact on me. Not so much that it happened often, but that I was always worried it would happen.
ED, or erectile dysfunction, is the inability to gain or maintain an erection.
It has only happened to me when I’ve been too drunk. But especially when I was about to have sex sober, I’d imagine it happening and I’d worry about not being able to get it up.
The funny thing was, it never actually happened, but I still worried about it. Just goes to show how much of this stuff can truly be in your head.
Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction-
There’s a prevailing feeling that if you can’t get it up even one time, you become less sexually valuable, at least in your own mind.
You’re not any less sexually valuable. Your body has simply betrayed you, and it’s not that you don’t find your partner attractive or that you’re not turned on. It’s largely out of your control. If you would get it up if you could, then you have nothing to feel bad about.
But you can adjust your lifestyle to help you out.
A large part of ED has to do with your health. Here’s what The Big Book of Sex has to say (neglecting taking pills, as you should solely consult your doctor for that):
Eat dark fruits. Dark fruits, like blackberries, blueberries, and bilberries, have anthocyanins, which are “ultrapowerful antioxidants that attack the free radicals present in our bloodstream. When too many free radicals are present in your bloodstream, nitric oxide goes down – and so does your penis.” Nitric oxide is crucial for good blood flow.
Quit smoking. Another benefit of quitting smoking, other than living longer and reducing the risk of cancer, is better sex.
Manage your stress. Easier said than done, but high levels of stress stimulate production of epinephrine, a type of adrenaline that messes with your arteries. It causes the arteries to harden — restricting blood flow. Experts suggest focusing on what is happening in the present rather than dwelling on stressful thoughts, to help alleviate some of this stress. The same advice can be applied in the bedroom. Absorb yourself in the sexuality and let your mind go.
Lose weight. Losing weight lowers your body’s overall estrogen levels.
For Those With Vaginas
Not Reaching Orgasm-
The book states that on average, it typically takes women (and I’m guessing, all people with vaginas) longer to orgasm than men (or those with penises). The book says it’s 2.6 minutes for men versus 27 minutes for women.
This creates a legitimate concern. First, they’re worried they may miss out on the extraordinary release felt during orgasm. Second, they may feel that if they don’t orgasm, then their partner will feel bad about themselves.
Neither of these sound like attractive outcomes, so what’s someone with a vagina to do?
Overcoming this anxiety-
First, get to know your body. If you don’t know how you best climax, it’s hard to let your partner know the best way to do it. This means masturbating and experimenting.
Try toys, try thinking about different fantasies, try using lube, not using lube; there are lots of options. Find out which one or ones work best for you.
And don’t be afraid to give your partner advice in bed. They should be more than enthusiastic to follow it, because they should want you to orgasm as well.
Also, this is going to sound weird to some of you, but if you feel a sensation like you’re about to pee, let it come – literally.
Especially with G-Spot orgasms, the sensation to pee is a common feeling. As Ian Kerner notes in She Comes First, “the G-spot generally responds to a more persistent, massaging pressure. It’s not uncommon for a woman [or those with a vagina] to feel a fleeting urge to urinate when this area is stimulated.”
Those of you who have heard of, seen, or experienced squirting orgasms know what I’m talking about here. Don’t deprive yourself by holding back if you feel like you need to pee. You may be on the verge of having an amazing orgasm.
You may have also heard of kegel exercises. If not, the “Kegel” is a muscle in the pelvic floor, named after Dr. Arnold Kegel, who observed that this is one of the prominent muscles that contract during orgasm. He then came up with a number of exercises to strengthen these muscles, resulting in increased pleasure.
If you’re still curious which muscle this is specifically, pretend like you are trying to stop yourself from peeing. Do it. Right now.
That’s your kegel muscle. Ian Kerner notes that doing these exercises regularly can increase the quality of orgasmic contractions.
A few more techniques to try:
Just like people who experience erectile dysfunction, those with vaginas can also try giving themselves an orgasm just before having sex. Except, when they have already had an orgasm it becomes easier, rather than harder, for them to have subsequent ones.
Use a vibrator while having sex to add extra stimulation. The clitoris is said to be the epicenter of all pleasure for those with vaginas.
Finally, don’t be shy about taking care of yourself if your partner is done (assuming they don’t want to help you). However, don’t do it out of spite. Let them know that it’s not about them, and if they’d like to help you out, they are more than welcome to. And more than likely, they will be happy to help you climax as well.
Distracting Thoughts While Having Sex-
This isn’t necessarily a sexual “anxiety” per say, but it’s important so I want to touch on it.
Here are some stats from the Men’s and Women’s Health survey regarding what thoughts can be distracting women (or anyone) while having sex:
Their weight: 26%
They won’t orgasm: 20%
Other parts of their body: 17%
Their partner isn’t enjoying it: 14%
Someone might walk in: 9%
Falling pregnant: 5%
Other (getting an STI, being used by their partner for sex, their partner doesn’t respect them, their partner might not orgasm): 9%
That’s 10 different worries possibly weighing on someone’s mind at any one time, while trying to enjoy the sexual experience.
This goes for anyone: Being stuck inside your head is one of the worst hindrances to enjoying sex. Cut out your thinking as much as possible. Maybe even practice meditation.
When you are thinking about other stuff, you are not relaxed and you’re not focused on the pleasure your body is experiencing. Try to be as natural as possible. Get into a sexual zone where you feel as though your movements are happening automatically. Focus on your partner. Focus on the passion.
Recognize when other thoughts pop into your head and destroy them as fast as possible. The best way to do this is to change something up quickly.
Kiss your partner. Try changing positions. Go grab a toy or some lube. Put a blindfold on. Distract yourself from your distracting thoughts and stay in the moment.
The more you practice having sex while shutting off your thoughts, the more you’ll develop sexual intuition, where you’ll intuitively and instinctively progress through sex, almost as if you’re in a trance. You’ll come out of it saying,
“Whoa… What just happened? That was amazing!”
Becoming Pregnant-
Many STIs are easily identifiable and treatable within a matter of hours, days, or weeks.
Now, I’m not calling pregnancy an STI, but it can be an unwanted consequence of having sex, leading to 18 years (or more) of financial, emotional, and life commitment. It can be a life changer, and not an ideal one, for you or the child coming into the World. Hence, the term “unwanted.”
It’s a real concern. And since it is those with v
aginas who hold the ultimate responsibility of nurturing the baby within their body, it’s much more of a concern for them than it is for people with penises (despite it being a huge concern for any gender).
The first order of business is to use a condom every time you have sex. This will calm your mind down immensely. Next, consider getting on birth control.
The Big Book of Sex has an entire guide listing 17 different kinds of birth control; popular brands, cost, how to use them, their effectiveness, what each is best for, what each is not recommended for, the risks, potential side effects, whether you need a prescription, when specifically you are protected, and the active ingredients in each. So the information is definitely out there.
(The Big Book of Sex should be the textbook for Sex Ed classes.)
Educate yourself and decide if birth control is right for you. Combining birth control and a condom, you’ve got a double whammy of peace of mind and a much lower likelihood of becoming pregnant.
Closing Thoughts on Sexual Anxieties and Insecurities
Sex is an amazing part of life, and one that should be experienced to its fullest. Unfortunately, it comes with a lot of doubt, anxiety, insecurity, and misconception.
Hopefully I dispelled some of it in this section. I know this is not an exhaustive list of sexual anxieties, and I still experience my own sexual anxiety, but to a much smaller degree than I used to. This is part of what makes my sex life fulfilling, and what I believe can help you do the same.
Moving on to a crucially important topic for navigating your sex life.