Bad as in Good

by J. Lovelace

  Before I got the opportunity to respond, there was a knock at my door. If it was Alonzo, he’d better hope he boarded up his windows because Hurricane Erin was going to blow him off his Nikes. I tried to ignore it, hoping it would go away. Suddenly, my phone vibrated. I didn’t want to lose my concentration. I closed my eyes and focused on arriving to our desired destinations. However, the knocks only persisted. “Shit,” I murmured.

  Louis looked over at my phone and back at my door. “Who’s at your door?”

  I looked over at my phone and noticed a missed call from Tariq. I froze. For a moment, I almost forgot what position I was in. I grabbed my phone and read his texts. “Why haven’t you been respondin?” “You can’t answer your phone?” “Are you ignoring me? We need to talk!” I cleared my missed calls and messages and contemplated waiting him out. If he was at my door, the last thing I wanted to do was answer it. Although the mood was certainly gone, I didn’t wanna move. I sat atop Louis straddling him as I chewed on my fingernails and prayed for the knocks to stop. For a second they did. I took a deep breath as I thanked God for gettin’ rid of my intruder. However, sooner than later, the knocks started up again. “Damn,” I mumbled.

  “You need me to answer it?”

  I frowned and shook my head. My heart pounded through my chest. If Tariq stood on the other side of my door, this night would not end well. I didn’t lie when I told Louis I was fallin’ for him, but I would be lying if I claimed I was over Tariq. Even though I was practically starting a new life with Louis, I was still reluctant to surrender the made-up one I had with Tariq. I forced myself off Louis and dressed myself; Louis did the same. When I reached the peephole, I held my breath as I peeped through. Realizing who it was, I understood there would be no going back now. I opened the door and accepted that the night was over.

  “What are you doing here, Teona?”

  “Are you busy?”

  I turn to look at Louis and then back at the barely dressed, hardly alert Teona that stood before me. I was grateful that it wasn’t Tariq; nevertheless, I was annoyed with Teona’s intrusion. She had wandered over to my apartment after a hard night of partying. “Did you bring some man over here again?”

  She giggled and leaned on the doorframe. “I thought about it.” She cleared her throat and peeked inside my apartment. “But he wouldn’t come home with me.” She waved at Louis and looked back at me. “Am I interrupting something?”

  “Yes, you definitely are.”

  She hesitated initially, but she knew as much as I did that she couldn’t make it anywhere else in her condition. “Can I come in?”

  I moved to the side and let her stumble inside. “Louis, this is Teona, my girlfriend’s little sister.”

  Louis waved a halfhearted wave and stood up. His frustration with being cheated out of an orgasm showed all over his face. Teona hunched over my kitchen sink and ran the water over her head. Also realizing that the night was over, Louis kissed my forehead and headed for my door. “I’m gonna let you care for your friend. I’ll call you later.”

  I wanted him to stay and hold me tonight. I was pissed that even though Loraine and I weren’t exactly speaking on the best terms, her problems still landed on my doorstep. I sighed and walked him to the door. “I wish you could stay.”

  “I do too. Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere. We’ll have time alone again.” He kissed me quickly and sweetly before he disappeared. After I shut the door, I watched Teona drench herself in water to revive herself from a bender she obviously wasn’t prepared for. She was drunk and couldn’t even lure a man over to sex her like she wanted him to.

  I led Teona to my couch and gave her a towel. “Did you call your sister?”

  “Please, don’t. Not tonight.” She plopped her head down on the arm of my couch and passed out. I thought about tending to her to make her night asleep on my couch more comfortable, but after she robbed me of my orgasm, I decided to shut the lights, lock my bedroom door, and whip out my old and faithful vibrating companion. Tonight was gonna end my way—one way or another.

  CHAPTER 18

  Erin

  By the time I woke up the next morning, Teona vanished. She wasn’t on my couch and nowhere in my apartment. I was partly glad that I didn’t have to deal with her hung-over condition, bitter attitude, and snippy comebacks. However, I was partly upset that she didn’t give me the chance to scold her about how disappointed I was with her. Still, I looked forward to heading into work and reading the sweet notes I’m sure Louis left in my inbox.

  “She’s dragging her trifling ass in here now,” Loraine said. I had called Loraine on my way to work to make sure Teona hadn’t stumbled off into the arms of the wrong type of strange man. “Thanks for looking after her.”

  “I did my best—even though she interrupted my date with Louis.”

  “I’ll apologize on her behalf. I’m gettin’ so sick and tired of this heifer. I’m hoping our parents find a way to get her out of my place and back to only visiting me during the summer breaks.”

  “With her acting like this, you might need to consider doing an intervention. This type of behavior doesn’t seem healthy or safe. She’s gonna end up bringin’ the wrong man home, and she might end up bringin’ him home to my place.” The thought of her bringin’ a serial rapist home scared me, mainly because with her, it was likely to happen. “I might have to start turning her away. I don’t want her to end up sleepin’ in my hallway, though.”

  “Girl, do what you have to do. Call the cops if you need to. A night on a cold park bench might snap some sense into her.”

  “I dunno about all that.”

  “Listen, the chance of Teona actually bringin’ some crazy man right to your doorstep is likelier than you think. The only reason why she keeps coming to you is because I turn her away and you don’t. Like you, I don’t like strangers showing up at my door. You’ll start singing a different tune when you find a drunken girl and five big, horny perverts knocking at your door at three in the morning.”

  I didn’t want to turn Teona away, but Loraine made a valid and creepy point. I wasn’t looking to call the police on her, but I also wasn’t looking to tolerate her clearly violating my privacy by inviting random men to my apartment. The thought alone was infuriating. I took a deep breath and said it. “I miss talking to you.”

  I could hear her smile through the phone. “I miss talking to you too, girl. Let’s skip work and have a spa day.”

  “Sounds tempting, but I’ve been getting a little too lax at work and need to catch up. Louis has my mind all over the place sometimes.”

  “I’m happy you found someone who you can actually enjoy being with.”

  “I am too. I can’t let him interfere with my money, though.”

  “Well, we have to catch up soon.”

  “We will.”

  Loraine and I ended our phone call as I reached my desk. Before I settled in, I logged into my computer and checked my emails. Twelve new emails. I scrolled past the few emails from my supervisor and looked for Louis’s name. Two new ones from him. The first one read, “Is it wrong for me to miss you so much when I saw you the other night?” I blushed. I let that email simmer as I put away my purse and hooked up my phone charger. I got nice and settled in to read the next email. It read, “I love you, boo.”

  Everything kind of stopped. I read the words eight times in an effort to make sense of them Although the words were nice to read, it would’ve been nicer for me to hear them. My feelings for Louis were growing; it had already been three months. However, I wasn’t sure if I would describe my feelings as love. Nevertheless, I couldn’t stop blushing. I enjoyed being loved by someone I could imagine myself loving back. I enjoyed the excitement of coming into work to read the words of affirmation that he left in my inbox. But I couldn’t help but feel conflicted. For three months, it felt as if Louis and I were living out a fantasy. Addressing the topic of love introduced a new reality. Unfortunately, I was still enjoying the fantasy. />
  I couldn’t respond. I wasn’t comfortable responding to an email like that unless we were face-to-face. I wanted to read his face when he said it. Would his eyes sparkle? Would he place the palm of his hand in the arch in my back, slowly moving his moist lips while the words oozed off his tongue like sweet red wine? Would we end the night making a new form of love as our bodies moved to the rhythm our heartbeats made? Would I literally melt in his arms every moment he spoke? Or would his reality destroy my fantasy and have me questioning my sanity? Suddenly, I wished that I ventured off to that spa day. I was so wound up I couldn’t finish my workday without a billion thoughts and questions permeating my cerebrum. The hands on the clock couldn’t possibly move fast enough.

  • • •

  “Are you sure?”

  I stared at the blank screen of my television as I pressed my phone to my face. “Yep. It was right there in print.”

  “Do you love him too?”

  “It’s only been a few months. I dunno. Is that even enough time?”

  “Apparently, it is.”

  “What would you do?”

  Loraine took a deep breath. “I wouldn’t know what to say. I wouldn’t put too much on it, though. Talk to him.”

  With a knock on my door, I snapped out of the thoughts going through my head and walked to the door. When I looked through the peephole to see who it was, I said, “Lemme call you back.” I hung up the phone, checked my breath, and opened the door. “Hey.”

  Tariq stood in my doorway with his hands stuffed in his pockets. “You can’t answer your phone?”

  I held back my smirk. “What do we have to talk about?”

  “If you picked up yo’ phone, maybe you’d know.”

  “Are you still married?”

  Tariq threw his hands in the air. “Here we go.”

  I said, “No, we ain’t got to go nowhere. We talked about this, Tariq.”

  “You tol’ me you was goin’ call me later. What happened to that?”

  “What is there left to discuss?”

  Tariq scanned my hallway and looked into my apartment. “Can I come in? I ain’t tryna be interrupted by yo’ nosey-ass neighbors.”

  “You still haven’t told me what you want to talk about.”

  Tariq took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his neck. “I miss you.”

  “Sounds like you’re horny.”

  Tariq licked his lips and laughed. “Damn! I can’t miss you?”

  “I’m not playing, Tariq. You have a family to be missing…” I paused as I decided to tell him what he needed to hear. “And I have a man now.”

  He stared at me with a puckered brow. Deliberately, he rubbed his ear as if to make sure he heard right. “All right, so it’s like that?”

  “Was I supposed to wait on you? I ain’t yo’ fuck buddy. I ain’t your sideline ho, and I dang sho’ ain’t the woman you’re gonna keep stringin’ along ’til you feel ready to make a decision about the status of your life. Therefore, I made a decision for myself. I gotta man now.”

  “What does that mean? Last time I was here, you were cool. Now, you comin’ at me all sideways. What does your man have to do wit’ me?”

  “It means you need to go.”

  Tariq moved in closer to me. I could feel his breath on my neck. My pussy throbbed. It was as if my private parts were aware of his presence while silently welcoming him home. I moved back and reminded my lower regions that they belonged to Louis. Tariq held my waist and sucked in his bottom lip. “Why you playing these games, Erin?”

  I moved his hand from my waist. “What games? I tol’ you I needed time to think. You’re the one playing cat and mouse. I’m through playin’ wit’ you, Tariq. I found a man willing to rub my feet, take me out, call me back, and treat me right. I’m done, Tariq.”

  Tariq moved in to whisper in my ear, “I’m not ready to let you go.” Without enough time to react, he pulled me in and pressed his lips against mine. I could hear my pussy lips screamin’ about how Daddy was finally home, but my heart knew better.

  Before I let him slide his tongue in between my lips, I pushed him off and caught my breath. “You have to go.”

  Tariq stared at me with his lip poked out and his head skewed to the side, obviously offended by my rejection. Even though my body had ached for him to keep going, I wasn’t going to be the cheater sucked into Tariq’s empty diversions. Tariq threw his hands up and stepped back. “That’s fucked up. You prolly had the nigga around all this time. You’re the one playin’ fuckin’ games!”

  “Because I don’t wanna screw a married man, I’m playin’ games.”

  “Ain’t shit change! I been here tryna be wit’ you. You knew my situation.”

  “Don’t mean I like it. Why should I wait around for you an’ yo’ problems when I don’t have to?”

  “I’m a fuckin’ problem now? You the one that can’t be real and tell me this shit over the fuckin’ phone.”

  “I don’t have to answer to you.”

  “Whateva. You’re about that bullshit.”

  The Tariq from our first date was back with the vengeance. The egotistical jackass with no respect for women was at my doorstep, and I wanted nothing more from him but to get out of my life. “Whateva, Tariq. You can think whateva you want about me. Don’t call me anymore.”

  “ ’Cause you got new dick, all the shit we been doin’ doesn’t mean nothin’. Now my fuckin’ wife is the reason why you through? Not too long ago, you was callin’ me for my dick. What’s up? Yo’ new man can tame that pussy betta than I can?”

  I stood there almost dumbfounded by his audacity. “Goodbye, Tariq.” I slammed the door shut without another word. I dunno why I actually thought a man like Tariq was worth me dealin’ with. I washed my hands of it all knowing I hadn’t seen the last of him. Since I was used to his games, I was confident that his departure wasn’t forever. His ego pushed him back into the arms of his wife, and it wouldn’t be long until his horniness sent him back to my doorstep.

  • • •

  A half hour after Tariq left, I was still sitting on my couch staring at the wall. I would be insane to go back to Tariq again and expect a different result. There was a time where the mere thought of him inside of me excited me more than the thought of Louis confessing his love for me. Now, the idea of Tariq five feet away from me disgusted me. I couldn’t love Tariq, but Tariq’s presence always raised my adrenaline. He made my heart beat fast, and often times, it wasn’t in a good way. Regardless, he would be back. His weakness for strength forced me to find more clever ways to reject him. But I felt sick in knowing that Louis’s role in my life meant more to me when pissing Tariq off rather than satisfying me.

  I was silently fuming when another knock returned to my door. I was slightly relieved that it wasn’t Tariq looking for round two. Louis smiled and lifted a bag of takeout in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. “Dinner’s on me tonight.”

  I let him in and followed him to the dinner table. “Whatchu bring?”

  “There’s this new Chinese food place down the street from my place. I had to share it with you.” As I watched him set up, I imagined our lives together like this; Louis was safe. He made sense in my life, and I needed to make a point to embrace that. And as he stood there, I expected him to bring up the email he sent me. My skin was covered in goose bumps as I predicted the outcome of our discussion. “How was your day?”

  I said, “I got pretty busy.” He plated our food and sat down across from me. He didn’t say anything afterward. He chowed down as if not long ago he hadn’t confessed his love for me. “How was yours?”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “Nothin’ exciting.” He stuffed a spoonful of fried rice in his mouth and scratched his chin. “Well, we caught one of our employees stealin’ from the register. It’s a shame. He said he was tryna feed his family, and I believe him. He shoulda talked to me, though, not stole from me.” He went back to consuming his food.

  I expected him to q
uestion me. When he told me he loved me, I didn’t respond. I accepted it as if we always ended our daily emails that way. I didn’t want to discuss it, but his avoidance made me feel like I had to. “Are we gonna talk about your email?”

  He stopped chewing and stared at me is if he were as confused as I was. “My email?”

  “Yeah, Louis. You told me you loved me.”

  He swallowed his food and popped the cork of the Riesling. Grabbing another spoonful of rice, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Yeah… I did.” He stuffed his face and grinned. “You not gonna eat?”

  I sat down, grabbed a fork, and played with my shrimp fried rice. “I wasn’t expecting you to say that, especially not through email.”

  “Well, that’s how I felt at the time, I guess.”

  “You guess? Are you sayin’ you shouldn’t have said that?”

  “No, I’m saying…” He let his words trail off. I wanted answers, and he gave me nothing.

  “Louis, I don’t understand.”

  “Erin, I love you. I meant it then and I mean it now. What else did you want me to say? I love you, boo.”

  “I’m not asking you to say it simply to say it; I want to understand the meaning behind it.”

  “What other meaning would you expect to be behind it? I care about you. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it through an email, but, I’m tellin’ you now. I love you.” He chugged down his wine and wiped his lips. “I mean…I’m not expecting you to say it back. I know it’s fast. Sometimes I can be a lil’ fast. We spend so much time together. I love it. I love talkin’ to you. I love…you. And I said it.”

  I wasn’t expecting our conversation to go as it did. I expected more emotion, more of something. I leaned over the table and kissed him gently. He ran his fingers up my neck and pulled my face closer to his. As we kissed, I tried to ignore the feelings I had. After reading his email, I wanted to hear him say the words. I hoped hearing the words would make me feel at ease, ready to tell him how much I loved him too. However, after hearing him say it, I felt nothing. If anything, I was turned off. His feelings felt premature and almost happenstance. Oddly enough, I wanted more of a chase. Nonetheless, I slipped my tongue in his mouth and held his cheek while he caressed my lips with his. Usually, my panties would be wet by this time, and I’d be pushing to skip dinner and get right to the bedroom. Tonight, I was ready to eat and go to sleep. Pulling away, I said, “Let’s finish eating.”