Sliver of Silver (Blushing Death)

by Sabol, Suzanne M.

  Sitting in the air-conditioned car, I slipped the oversized black sunglasses on. I stared out the window with a gargantuan hat on my lap. It was a quiet 45-minute ride to the funeral home in West Jefferson.

  The church was packed to the rafters. Amblan’s entire family was there on one side and on the other side, the pews were overflowing with women of all shapes and sizes, men that were dressed better than the women, and finally her coworkers and the mentally challenged kids she worked with along with their parents.

  I noticed a couple of women I knew and one of them motioned for me to sit next to her. She gave me a quick wave of her hand to call me over. She’d saved me a seat. Jade, Kurt, and Dean found seats in the back.

  “Hi, Madeline,” I said.

  “Hey,” she said in a soft, condolence-filled tone that grated my nerves. “How’re you doing?”

  “Fine,” I said as I sat down.

  “You look . . . good,” she said, trying not to say what I could see on her face.

  I looked like shit and we both knew it. She threw her arm around my shoulders and hugged me close. “When’s the last time you had a good night’s sleep and something to eat?” she asked, rubbing comforting strokes up and down my bicep. Madeline was a strong woman. She wasn’t fat; she was just a bit more masculine than some of the rest.

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

  “I thought as much,” she said with a sad smile. “You know Amblan wouldn’t want you to waste away on her account. She loved food too much,” she goaded with a sly smile.

  I tried to smile back but I knew it never reached my eyes.

  I sat silently through the service as I watched everyone around me fall apart. I tried to focus on what the reverend said and what Amblan’s sister said as she gave the eulogy. The only sounds reaching my ears were the whimpers, sniffling, and sobbing of the people around me. My own voice echoed between the sobs. This is your fault. All this pain and grief is because of you. You did this to them, and you don’t even care.

  The organ started and I stood when Madeline tugged me to my feet, not realizing the service was over. We filed out into the summer heat, silent most of the way down the center aisle of the church. I slipped the sunglasses on as Madeline leaned over and asked, “You need a ride?”

  I shook my head. “I’m here with some people,” I answered in a low tone I hoped only she could hear.

  She nodded and kissed me on the cheek.

  “It’ll get better,” she whispered. She seemed so confident as she smiled up at me. I tried to return her warmth but I couldn’t. She patted me on the shoulder and strode away to a group of Amblan’s friends. I didn’t know them. I’d missed so much and now I’d never know what Amblan could have been.

  Jade, Kurt, and Dean waited for me next to the car. I hadn’t noticed before we left, but Dean looked good. He was handsome in this three-piece black suit with a green shirt and tie that matched his eyes. It was cut to fit his muscular bulk and hugged his body like a glove. He stood stone still by the car and watched me carefully as I passed by, circling around him. I got into the car on the other side without a word. I was sweating and I’d only been outside for a few minutes. I couldn’t imagine what the guys felt like in their heavy wool suits.

  We rode over to the cemetery in a thick, pregnant silence. The only sound was Jade in the back seat sniffling. Kurt had moved to the back and held her in his arms as she cried.

  It could have been Jade. I knew Kurt was thinking the same thing as his eyes met mine over her chestnut hair. I averted my gaze and stared out the window. I didn’t need him to tell me I’d fucked up. I already knew that. I’d put everyone I cared about in danger and two of them were dead.

  How long before more died?

  I slipped the sunglasses back on and hid myself behind their dark lenses.

  The car stopped in the middle of a long line of other cars filling the cemeteries lane with vehicles of every make and model. I got out with my hat in hand and slipped it on once I realized we were going to be under the full rays of the July sun. I was grateful for the instant shade. The hat was a wide-brimmed black monstrosity that curved down around the edges giving me a barrier around my face and shoulders, with a stiff straw bow protruding out over the edge. I liked it. It hid me from everyone’s intrusive glares.

  Am’s parents, sister, and brother surrounded the casket and sat down in the chairs provided. I trudged through the grass, sinking my heels into the soft earth in several spots an inch deep as I continued to the gravesite. Amblan’s titanium casket was covered in white roses, camellias, and a few yellow dahlias hidden in the mix. That had to be Alex’s doing. No one but the two of us would know dahlias had been included in the arrangement.

  Patrick had spared no expense. He had no control over the wake, however, which was being held at Amblan’s parents’ home after the funeral.

  Amblan’s mother sobbed openly and clutched her husband’s hand in her lap. He was crying silent tears and staring at the casket as if he couldn’t believe she was gone. If I was honest with myself, neither could I.

  I stepped up to the end of the casket. Jade took up a post on my right and grabbed my hand as she cried. Dean stepped up on my left and placed a gentle hand at the small of my back.

  As the mourners took their places and the reverend continued his sermon, I drifted off again. I should’ve been paying attention, remembered every moment of that day, but I didn’t want to.

  I caught Amblan’s mother’s gaze, obviously not happy with me. Her eyes focused on me with a hatred I wasn’t prepared for.

  The funeral progressed but I kept thinking about Amblan and our life together, about how I’d let her down. They lowered the casket into the ground and the mourners began to leave. I couldn’t seem to make my feet move, though. I felt like if I left, she’d really be gone. I didn’t want to leave her there alone, not when she had always been surrounded by people. It didn’t seem right. Someone should be there with her.

  I didn’t see Amblan’s mother approach but I sure felt her as she struck me hard across the face. The sting burned across my cheek like a slight ripple of electricity through a copper.

  “Hey,” Jade yelled in a surprised, angry tone.

  “Now wait a second,” Dean said, throwing his arm in between Amblan’s mother and me.

  I didn’t move. I didn’t even look away from her anguished gaze.

  “She killed my daughter,” she screamed. “Look at her,” she cried, coming in for another strike.

  Her husband, Amblan’s father, forcibly yanked her back.

  “Now, Betty, you know that’s not true,” he whispered in his wife’s ear as he tried to direct the distraught woman toward the car.

  “But look at her, Ben, she doesn’t even care that our girl’s gone,” she hollered over her shoulder, collapsing into his arms and burying her head in his neck. “Our girl is gone,” she sobbed into his jacket.

  I turned to leave but Dean caught me, holding me by my biceps. He wouldn’t allow me to move or look away from his deep, olive-green gaze. I didn’t fight his hold as he tried to peer at me through the sunglasses. He released one of my shoulders and finally removed my sunglasses from my face. I still didn’t fight him.

  “She’s wrong,” he stated as I stared at him with a blank, numb expression.

  “No, she’s not,” I answered. My eyes finally welled up with tears and one after another slid down my cheek in warm streaks as I stared at him.

  “Yes, she is,” Dean said, his voice firm and the edge of his words echoed a finality I didn’t want to argue with. He hugged me, wrapping his powerful muscular arms around me. He escorted me back to the car with an arm around my shoulder, keeping me pressed against him. He placed me into the car as if I were delicate and circled the car to the other side. Sliding in next to me, he eased
me into his arms again, cradling me against his firm, broad chest. The driver started the car and left.

  “What about Jade and Kurt?” I asked, watching the church get smaller through the rear window.

  “They’re going to make our apologies at the wake and then order another car,” he answered as he stared down into what I knew was my red and swollen face.

  “That could have been Jade, you know,” I said, searching for the accusation in his eyes.

  Those warm olive-green eyes I’d come to adore softened. “Could’ve been you.”

  I started crying again and he crushed me tighter into his arms.

  “I’ll ruin your suit,” I said, trying to get away. I didn’t deserve his comfort.

  “I’ll buy another one,” he growled.

  I cried the entire 45 minutes back into town until the car parked in front of Patrick’s mansion.

  “He won’t be up,” I grumbled into the lapel of his suit.

  “Yes, he will.”

  Dean and Patrick sat in the mansion’s office talking about my house. Patrick was behind his desk flipping through papers. Dean sat on the sofa, watching him.

  “There shouldn’t be any problem with the insurance. Dahlia had taken out arson coverage so they can’t deny her claim,” Patrick said, reading from my policy.

  I wasn’t sure where he’d gotten it but I wasn’t surprised he had it either. Nothing about Patrick surprised me anymore.

  “I’m not worried about money, you know that. We need plans to start rebuilding,” Dean said.

  “She could live here,” Patrick said, raising his dark glare to Dean.

  “Not a good idea,” Dean said with a low grumble in his chest. Not quite a growl but not a nice friendly tone either.

  I cleared my throat as I came around the corner. They both stared up at me in surprise.

  “We were just discussing living arrangements,” Patrick said with a smile.

  “I heard,” I said, noncommittal. They both eyed me as I sat on the opposite end of the sofa.

  “Let me know what you want, and I’ll have my guys start as soon as we get the permits,” Dean said with a reassuring smile.

  “Clear the land and sell it. I can’t go back there,” I said in a hollow voice, sounding distant and lost, even to me.

  “Sure,” Dean said cautiously. “If that’s what you want?”

  I nodded then focused on my fingers as I twirled them around each other in my lap.

  “We can talk about the rest later,” Patrick said in a hurry as the phone rang.

  Alex’s stern voice rang on the other end accompanied by the heavy bass of the club thumping behind her. There was a problem at Damsel. She needed him there. Concern furrowed his brow. He glanced at Dean with a quick dart of his dark intense eyes. Dean nodded. “Very well, Alex, I’ll be there as soon as I can,” he said and then hung up the phone. He came over to me and stood, waiting, until I tilted my head up to meet his gaze.

  Kneeling, he took my face in his hands, pressing his soft, full lips against my mouth in a delicate caress like I would crack if he used any more strength. “Get some rest,” he begged.

  I nodded. He didn’t argue with me but he didn’t believe me either.

  “You don’t have to stay here,” I said after Patrick left.

  “I don’t need to be anywhere,” he offered as he sat back in the couch and got comfortable.

  “I don’t need you here,” I snapped. I couldn’t tell him why, but I just needed to be alone. I needed all of them to leave me alone.

  “I know that,” he said. “Everyone feels better to know there’s someone here if you need them.”

  “Fine,” I snapped. “I’m going upstairs.”

  “No problem,” he said, flipping on the television. He didn’t move or follow me as I stalked out of the office and up the stairs.

  I thought about all the people I loved and were responsible for as an overwhelming sense of dread settled over me. I couldn’t protect them. They were there for the slaughter, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

  I got on the laptop in Patrick’s bedroom. He didn’t know I had the password. I checked my email and set up another email account. I wrote it down on the back of a receipt lying on the nightstand and slipped it into my back pocket.

  I stared at the screen, trying to remember what I’d been, the fear that had protected me and kept me safe. I’d let too many people in and gotten too careless. I had to stop this before someone else I loved got put in the ground before their time.

  Patrick will never let me go.

  As the thought of leaving him settled into my being, hot tears streamed down my cheek and soaked my neck. I loved him more than I thought I could ever love anyone. Somewhere along the way, I’d fallen in love with Dean, too. I couldn’t say when or how but one day I’d woken up and knew I needed him.

  If I wanted to protect them, I couldn’t stay here. If I stayed, I’d lose one of them, or maybe even both. I couldn’t survive that, not after everything else. Something had happened to me; I’d broken inside. I was lost and all of the anchors I’d had to keep me grounded were dead and gone. I needed to remember who I was. I couldn’t be forgiven for all the pain I’d caused. I didn’t deserve it.

  About an hour later, Patrick came through the front door and went directly into the office. I waited in his bedroom for him as dawn approached. I could feel it in my being as the darkness thinned from that deep, pitch-black to something shallower, something that wasn’t so daunting. Dawn was less than an hour away as the bleakness of night dissipated like smoke.

  Through the window, I watched as Dean got into his truck and drove away. I drew the blinds and closed the blackout curtains, a routine I’d performed so many mornings since meeting Patrick that I couldn’t count anymore. The door creaked opened behind me and I turned.

  “What are you still doing up?” Patrick asked, shutting the door behind him. Taking the several steps across the room, he closed the distance between us and brought me into a tight, sure embrace.

  “I couldn’t sleep,” I mumbled into his chest. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I held on as if I could take him into me and keep him there.

  “What’s all this about?” he asked with a smile in his voice. He shifted back to stare down into my face, tracing my jaw line with cool fingers as he searched my face for some sign of life. He leaned in and pressed a delicate, chaste kiss. He was being careful but I didn’t want him to be careful. I needed him to want me, to burn the emptiness away. Holding him to me with desperation making my knuckles ache around my grip on his suit jacket, I kissed him as if it were the last time. His tongue found mine, dancing in a familiar tango, slow and intimate, inside my mouth.

  “Dahlia, I don’t know that I have the energy to fight the dawn a third day.” His tone was breathless and pleading.

  “Please,” I breathed as I ran my hand up his chest and pressed my mouth against his, licking across the seam of his lips.

  He picked me up, carrying me to the bed. He laid me down over the comforter, gentle as if I were breakable.

  His touches were soft and delicate, begging me to allow him more. I slid the jacket over his shoulders, unbuttoned his dress shirt, one slow button at a time, and ran my hands up the smooth expanse of his muscled chest. He was cold. Everywhere my fingers touched, his skin turned a soft pick where my body heat transferred to him. He laid soft kisses down my neck and over the spot that belonged only to him. My legs quivered with anticipation and the first signs of feeling since the fire.

  I ripped my T-shirt over my head and threw it across the room as he shoved my jeans and panties down to my ankles. I kicked them to the floor with each foot, unbuttoning his pants and forcing them down over his hips in a flurried need to have him inside of me.

  I glanced down
at his hard and ready cock and wrapped my legs around him as I squeezed his pelvis down to meet mine. Devouring my mouth, he thrust his tongue between my teeth, claiming me for his own.

  He slid easily inside of my waiting heat, groaning in my mouth as my warm wetness sheathed him. The world slipped away as he moved inside of me. I was home, both possession and possessor. Nothing in this world could touch me and, for a moment, everything else was gone.

  His strong hands moved over my body in a gentle caress that spoke more of his love for me than any one word could describe. His easy rhythm caressed and pulsed inside me. The familiar ebb and flow of pressure grew deep within my body with each thrust of his pelvis. He pounded the tip of his shaft against my cervix and I took a quick intake of breath as I slipped over the edge. A wash of pleasure flowed over me, making my knees clench, my legs quiver, my toes curl, and my mind go happily blank as I shattered into a million pieces.

  “There isn’t much time,” he whispered as I felt the sun crest over the horizon, coercing her way into my being and his.

  “Finish it,” I said.

  A devilish grin lit his face above me and he began to move. His thrusts were hurried and he set a fevered pace, trying to beat the dawn. Swelling inside of me, he climaxed, driving me over the edge with him again. He breathed a heavy sigh, carrying my name through the silence of the house.

  “I love you,” he groaned, hoarse and exhausted.

  “I love you. More than you know,” I said, suppressing the small sob at the back of my throat.

  He rolled over and left me empty and alone, scrutinizing me with both happiness and dread in his dark eyes. Stroking my face with the back of his hand, he said, “I can’t fight it any longer, sweetheart. I’m sorry, but we’ll talk when I get up tonight,” he said with a faint smile, sensing my need.

  I could already feel him slipping away into that in-between place where his body was still but his mind was alive and dreaming.