The next morning, I awoke not to my alarm clock but to the pounding of my door. I had a gut feeling it was Sirena. I didn’t want to be rude to her and tell her I wasn’t up for breakfast or a morning chat, as she’d been begging me to do with her for the last week. I thought if I’d ignoredher, she’d understand I was tired and leave me alone, but her pounding just kept getting louder and louder and more persistent. Finally I dragged myself out of bed and went to the door.
“Yes?” I said in an irritated tone as I wiped my eyes and saw someone other than whom I expected. Hayden was standing before me. She didn’t even ask if she could come in. She just walked right past me.
Frowning, she said, “Okay, look, I’m just gonna keep it real. Your mom made her calls. She played the ace card. You and those other two that we didn’t want are on line.”
I looked back at her, unimpressed. I didn’t know if she wanted me to get on my knees and bow down to her, so I just looked at her. I mean, she wasn’t doing me any favorsby coming over here and giving me the news in person.It was obvious they didn’t like me, and I wasn’t gonna go away quickly and quietly. There was no reason I didn’t make line. I had probably been more qualified then any of them already in the chapter. As much as I tried to denounceit, I had Beta Gamma Pi royalty running through my blood. I knew more facts and history about the organizationthan I wanted to admit. As she stood there lookingsmug at me, I wasn’t going to back down and make her think I thought she was superior. Heck to the naw! When she kept staring, I said, “So, anything else you’ve got to say?”
“I suggest you quit before you even get in, Malloy. It’ll be a big mess if you don’t.”
I opened the front door. She handed me a packet of information,walked out, and before she could say another smart word, I slammed the door in her face.
“What are y’all looking at?” I said to the other seven girls who kept staring at Torian, Loni, and myself as we waited to be inducted as Pis in the first iniation ceremony.
We were in the historic theater building on campus. I hated being in the cramped actors’ dressing room off to the side. The air was so thick with female judgment I could have sworn we were outside dealing with smog. Loni had a body to die for, and her outfit was very fitted. Torian was just too perky and confident for the girls staring at us, I guess. Girls were hating.
It was no secret the other seven girls had been prepledg-ing.I wasn’t trailing them or anything, but they were on line illegally because they’d been underground for a while. They even looked malnourished. They all looked like if I put a burger in front of them, they’d tear it up. The three of us looked fresh, but those girls looked like hags. No style, no fashion, and no flare. Yuck. Actually, no part of me wanted to be with them. I could not imagine us as sisters. If we were sisters, I’d take them in the back room and change their clothes. But we weren’t, so I kept my thoughts to myself. And if they thought underground activities were making them beautiful, they needed a mirror. No sister would have me looking like crap.
Thankfully they had all made it through the applicationprocess. Last year the talk had been that most of the girls on the underground line hadn’t even been selected to be on the real line. Why take such a gamble? You mentallytear me down and then you don’t even lift me up to the line. Not!
“Girl, don’t be so mean to them,” Torian said to me as she yanked me to the side. “They’re never gonna like us that way.”
I looked at Loni. “You better school your girl.”
“Yeah,” Loni said. “Torian, because we got put on line, they’re not gonna like us anyway.”
There was still the big question: why I was doing this. I mean, I knew it was going to make my mother happy, and a part of me liked being places where people thought they could keep me out. However, looking around at the brutal stares, I could have been doing way more with my time than putting up with these girls. My cell phone rang.
“You’re not supposed to have a phone!” one girl shouted. “They collected them weeks ago, but you weren’t here.”
I looked at the phone, saw it was Kade, and answered it. “Hey, baby. Hold on one second.” I went over to the girls and said, “Listen, I know y’all got beef with us, and I really don’t care. I wasn’t here a few weeks ago, but I’m here now. I haven’t pledged nobody’s nothing yet. I can do what I want, when I want. Now stay out of my business.Hey babe,” I said into the phone.
“Dang, girl! Who you talkin’ to?” Kade asked.
“I’m about to do this whole crazy pledge thing. Talk me out of it now, please!”
“You about to pledge? I don’t understand. Sharon told me you didn’t get an invite. That’s why I was calling you, thinking we could get together. I just assumed you’d be somewhere sulking or whatever.”
“Okay, so you think it’s gonna slide past me that you been talking to Sharon?” I said to him, not happy at all that she was glad to give my man my bad news.
“Let me clarify. I just read her text. Don’t need to get in trouble over my own words. I’ve been at school and football wishing I could be with you so you can rub me down. I’m aching, baby.”
Relieved, I said, “I miss you, too, sweetie. For some crazy reason I just feel like I gotta do this. My mom got me on, so the drama is on.”
“You got it like that? I understand. I love the ladies in the lavender and turquoise. But I miss my boo and need her with me,” he said.
“Aw, I wish I could be with you, too. I just don’t know when that’s gonna happen. This all is so crazy, and I’m already on the hot seat.”
“Well, don’t let none of them girls break you down. I love your spirit. You would not be you if you marched to the beat of a plain drum.”
“Thanks.” We said our good-byes and hung up.
“No, you don’t need to go over there.” The girl who had told me to get off the phone tried to hold back the shortest girl in the room. But the little bitty chick pranced over to the three of us anyway. “Okay, so I’m Tammie with an I-E.”
Without a care, I said, “Okay. I’m Malloy.”
“I’m Torian.” My friend perked up and offered her hand.
“Loni,” my laid-back buddy said, not as thrilled.
“Why are you over here?” I asked, getting right to the point.
“Everybody tells me you’re mean as a snake and can read right through people, so I appreciate your candor. Hopefullyyou appreciate mine.”
“I’m not mean, am I,” I said, looking at Torian and Loni as the two of them just laughed.
“I know my line sisters are a little ticked that you guys didn’t go through none of the stuff we went through. A little bit of brutality, a little bit of emotional distress—”
“You asked for that by showing up for underground stuff, right?” I cut in.
“No, no. I’m just saying that’s why they’re upset. But I’m not upset. I’m honored to have the National President’sdaughter on my line. So while a lot of people plan not to associate themselves with you, I can give you some inside information in return for a little bit of special privilege.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked as she rambled.
“Word is your mama is here for this ceremony. I want to meet her.” Tammie pointed to her crew. “All them will be there hoping she talks to them, but you can introduce me.”
“She’ll do it,” Torian insisted.
Tammie leaned in and said, “Smart move. The inside information I’ll bring to you three will eventually help win them over.”
The ceremony was about to begin. I was at the back of the line, being the tallest. Loni and Torian were next to each other in the middle, which was great. I didn’t care that no one talked to me, but the two of them would need each other to get through all the tension. As soon as we were ushered into the building, my mother was on the stage conducting the ceremony, as she was the highest-ranking Beta in the place. The passion glistening in her eye capturedmy heart. I never saw her smile brighter.
When
we entered the dark room, I felt like I was in a church sanctuary. The candles were glowing all over—there had to be over one hundred. We were walking on a white silk aisle that had lily petals scattered throughout. It was a breath of fresh air.
“These strong black women are proud in their own right, ready to make a difference. I am humble that you stand ready to replace the I in your life—the self-centered part of you—with Pi, a piece of our grand sorority. That you may embrace the sisterhood no matter how difficult it may be. The love for your Pi sisters will always be real, will always be deep, will always be pure. Please take the washcloth, place it in the basin, and cleanse your face clean. May that be the symbol of the first big step you will take toward our sisterhood.”
Together we recited, “We are stronger when our bond is genuine.” Though I said the words, I had no idea if that would ring true in my heart.
After the ceremony, everyone in the place gathered around my mother. You would have thought she was famous or something. I mean, she wasn’t the pope or the President of the United States, but they were certainly treating her like royalty. For goodness sake, she was just my mom, but I had to remember that to them she was their leader. She certainly was a true picture of grace and dignity. A part of me really appreciated all that she was as I watched her sincerely give every person time. This was more than just some job to her. This was her duty, her calling, her core.
“Okay, so you can introduce me anytime,” this little annoying voice said from behind.
I didn’t have to turn to see that it was Tammie with an I-E. I walked right over to my mom, and she acknowledgedme right off. I didn’t have to wait or anything. I actuallyfelt special.
“Mom, this is Tammie.”
“One of your line sisters, wonderful,” my mom said as she gave the short, self-assured girl a quick hug. “Tammie, I know it’s been a little bumpy having three more people added to the line, but embrace all the passengers, because the airplane is in the air now. I know you all will soar to greatness together.”
I wasn’t a dummy. My mom was trying to make sure my line sister knew she expected them to welcome me. She was a lioness protecting her cub, but I wanted to roar on my own. I tried to walk away and give them space, but my mom tugged at my hand.
“Yes, ma’am,” Tammie said. “I just want to say that my mom is a Beta, and she said you’re the best president in the sorority’s history.”
“Oh, wow, I don’t know about that, but I’d like to meet your mom soon.”
“We’re from Mississippi. I’ll tell her,” Tammie said excitedly.
“Please do that. National Convention will be in Biloxi this year.”
When I went to walk away again, my mom squeezed my hand. I just stood there looking for a second. She was introducing me to ladies in the graduate chapter that were on the advisery council for Alpha chapter. Everyone was so nice, which was a big contrast to the Alpha chapter sorors themselves who were over in a corner, mad as a kid on Christmas with not one toy. But I wasn’t Santa Claus or their parents, so I didn’t care that they were upset. I was on the line, and they were gonna have to deal with it.
“Okay, look here.” Tammie came up to me and handed me a note as my mom got caught up socializing. “We’re meeting at this address in thirty minutes. Come with your two friends. We’ve gotta work out this whole line thing.”
“Are the big sisters gonna be there?” I asked, wanting no part of any underground junk.
“It’s just us. I told you I was gonna give you some insideinformation. Come, all right?”
“Oh, my gosh! I’m going to my first meeting,” Torian said, all giddy in the car twenty minutes later. Loni and I were both skeptical.
“I’m just telling you now, if those big sisters are there, I’m gonna turn right around and leave,” I said.
“I’m driving, so you’ll be walking home,” Torian said.
“No, I’m serious, Torian. I’m not planning to get caught up in all that. It’s not why I want to be a Beta.”
“You don’t even know why you want to do it,” she said. “Y’all just want to be paper.”
“And what is paper?” I asked.
“When you go through not one part of hazing and automaticallybecome a member of the sorority.”
I leaned forward into the front seat and said, “Grand chapter sets rules by laws and covenants; it’s meaningful stuff. If it’s good enough for them to say that’s all you gotta do to be a Beta, it’s good enough for me. I’m fine with paper. I’m just telling you, if there’s any drama, I’m leaving.And if you got a problem with it, I’m taking your keys, or I’ll walk home.”
Torian gave in and lightly pushed my shoulders backward.“All right, all right, all right.”
We arrived at the address and walked into a classroom in the science hall. No lights were on, except in the room we had stepped into. The seven girls on our line were there and stared at us like we’d done something awful. I knew I should have stayed at home. Shoot!
“The meeting started five minutes ago,” said the girl who had stood right in front of me on the line.
“What’s your name?” I asked her, already annoyed.
“I’m Jaden, and I already know you’re Malloy. Come in. They’re here, y’all. Okay, well, here’s the bottom line,” Jaden said as she ushered us in. “I’m not asking because I’ve been voted the Line President. If you want some respectand credibility, we’re gonna have to haze you guys to get you up to speed on all we’ve been going through.”
“Are you crazy?” I said without flinching. “Why would I let y’all touch me? I don’t need your respect. Plus, I never voted you president.”
Jaden smirked and said, “It was unanimous with the seven of us real pledges. We didn’t need your vote for me to hold this position.”
“No, I’m sorry. You guys aren’t gonna touch me either,”Loni said.
“Come on, guys, we can do this,” Torian said in a desperatetone, trying to convince us.
“Girl, you can do this. I don’t want nothing that bad, and I don’t have to do this to get it.” I turned around and walked toward the door.
“I’m Maxine. The Line Vice President. You walk out of here, and you’re never coming back into the fold with us. We went through a lot and the seven of us have discussedit. You all need to go through something to be even with what we’ve done.”
I kept walking.
“I’m talking to you,” the Maxine girl said as she grabbed my hand.
I snatched it quickly away from her. “I have always known this sisterhood thing was something that wasn’t even really obtainable. Some myth about a tight bond. You’ve just proven my point. You touch me ever again and the crap the Betas are putting you through will be nothingcompared to the beat-down I’ll give your tail.”
I walked out, and Loni quickly followed. I was so angry. Those girls had some nerve. Loni turned around and said to Torian, “Come on. Malloy’s right. They ain’t gonna beat us up. This is crazy.”
Torian came out reluctantly as Maxine said, “You guys just ostracized yourselves. You’ve made a huge mistake.”
9
PREGNANT
“How can we grow and be a part of all they’re doing if we’re not in the mix?” Torian said to Loni and myself as we drove home from the private meetingwith our line sisters that had gone nowhere. “I wanna go back.”
“You driving back?” Loni asked like it was just okay with me if they turned the car around and went back and subjected themselves to torture. “I’ve thought about it. Torian has a point, Malloy.” Loni tried rationalizing with me. “I mean, we wanna be a part of the sorority, but we don’t wanna go through everything it takes to actually be in it. What’s a little shove or a little verbal abuse gon’ do? It’s not gonna hurt me. It’s not gonna break me. But if it’s gonna make them respect me, it’s fine. Come on.”
“You guys take me home now,” I demanded.
“I knew she wouldn’t do it,” Torian said under her
breath.
“You guys shouldn’t want to do it either. Bottom line, there is more than one way to do something. If y’all participate,who knows what’ll happen? I’m sure you’ll be in for more than you can handle.”
“Well, Malloy, that’s easy for you to say,” Torian said as she pulled up to my apartment building. “Your mom is the National President. You don’t have to go through everything to get your respect.”
“Please, they treat me just like they treat you guys, and do you see me care?”
Loni said, “Not now, but I can see them coming around to you a lot more easily than they would to us.”
“Well, my mom is not gonna be the National President forever.”
Torian said, “Yeah, but by that time we’d be sorors in an alumnae chapter, graduated, and working on our careersor something. Nobody will care then.”
“Exactly. So you’d rather go through whatever foolishnessthey want you to experience now, when in a few years it won’t even matter? You can’t even see the bigger picture. We’re in this to make a difference to the community. And how can we do that with somebody beating us up? Especiallyfrom girls that don’t even have their letters.”
“I just don’t think it’s going to be like that,” Torian said. “It’s a lot of talk. You saw those girls—everybody looked fine. Nobody’s been abused.”
“Fine! Y’all go back.” I got out of the car, and steam blew from both my ears. When I got to my door, I couldn’t get my key out fast enough. I didn’t know all my neighbors, but this big guy was walking in my direction. It was dark, so I couldn’t see his face. Nervously I dropped my keys. When I picked them up, the body was in my space.
“It’s me, babe, don’t be scared,” Kade said as he put his arms around my waist.
“Oh, my God, I was about to head inside, grab a lamp or something, and knock you over the head. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
The Way We Roll Page 8