After the Lights Go Out

by Lili Wilkinson

  There’s a knock at the door, and Violet Hickory’s face appears. ‘All good in here?’

  Clarita nods. They’ve clearly already been introduced. If Jubilee were big enough to have a mayor, it’d probably be Violet. She knows everyone, and she’s lived here her whole life. Her husband, Charlie, died a few years ago and we all thought she’d move to Matadale, where her family live, but she stayed in Jubilee.

  ‘I’ve been thinking we should organise some security,’ Clarita tells Violet. ‘There’s a lot of valuable medication here, and people tend to get desperate in these kinds of situations.’

  ‘Door’s got a lock, doesn’t it?’ Violet says.

  ‘Sure,’ says Clarita. ‘But I meant a person. A security guard. These resources are precious.’

  Dad would agree with her.

  ‘Nah,’ says Violet. ‘Jubilee is a small town – even smaller now. Nobody’s gonna steal our supplies. We know we’re in this thing together.’

  We’re in this together.

  Family first.

  Which one is right?

  There’s a sudden roar of engine from outside the clinic. We spill out onto the street, only to see the second cloud of red dust for the day as another ancient station wagon screams down Main Street towards the highway.

  Keith pounds down the road after it, but gives up once he reaches the outskirts of town. He doubles back and approaches us, panting heavily.

  ‘Who was it?’ asks Violet.

  Georgie Nowak comes charging out of her mechanic’s office. She lets out a long and extensive stream of swear words in the direction of the receding plume of red dust, and for a moment I’m convinced she’s going to chase after it. But then she stomps over to us.

  ‘Dickwads stole my car!’ she roars. ‘I’ve been working on it all week. Replaced all the fried parts so it’d run again. I went inside to piss for the millionth bloody time today, and those cocksuckers went and stole it.’

  ‘Who?’ asks Violet again.

  ‘Paul and Jill Hayes, and Laurie and Dermot McCall. Dermot was over here yesterday looking around the workshop, talking all friendly. Said he’d buy the car off me. Said his kids were at that boarding school in Garton and he wanted to go find them.’

  Clarita looks pointedly at Violet. ‘Security.’

  Violet sighs.

  I can see one window open on the first floor of the hotel, white gauzy curtains hanging limp in the heavy air. I head in and up the stairs, and find Mateo, who is lying on his bed with a book.

  ‘And where have you been?’ he asks, accusingly.

  ‘Home,’ I tell him.

  ‘Unacceptable.’

  ‘My sisters were really freaking out about everything. About Dad. They didn’t want to leave the house.’

  Mateo sits up. ‘Shit,’ he says. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t think…your dad.’

  ‘It’s fine. We’re fine. We’re here now, ready to help out however we can.’

  Mateo puts his book down. ‘I can’t believe the apocalypse is happening, and I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere.’

  ‘It could be worse.’

  ‘Really? How could it be worse?’

  ‘You could have been on a plane. Or in a lift. Or next to a nuclear power plant. Or in your car in a long underground tunnel, in heavy traffic. You could need dialysis or antidepressants or antipsychotics. You could be transgender and run out of hormone replacement drugs. You could be in a hospital or a nursing home.’

  Mateo shudders. ‘Okay, okay. I get it.’

  ‘This isn’t the worst place to be,’ I tell him. ‘There’ll be chaos in the cities. We have access to fresh drinking water from the lake. It may be stinking hot outside, but that’s better than freezing to death.’

  Mateo nods, then gets up off the bed and leans out the window. I join him and we gaze down at Jubilee. Main Street is empty. There is no movement whatsoever. Our elbows touch.

  ‘I have seen plenty of apocalypse movies,’ he says. ‘But I never thought the end of the world would be so boring.’

  I look at Mateo and I want to kiss him.

  ‘Eaten any peanuts today?’ I ask.

  A smile creeps over his face, and he shakes his head.

  I kiss him and he kisses me back, and for a moment I forget about the dead miners, and Dad, and Mr Kausler. I forget about how Jubilee is running out of food, and how most of the people here are probably going to die before this is over. I forget that I could save them, and that I’m choosing not to.

  I press my face up against his, and we fumble and paw at each other with clumsy, eager fingers. His stubble scrapes across my chin and I like it. He is warm and real, and whatever desperation I’m feeling, he’s feeling it too, because this isn’t soft and gentle kissing. It’s pure, undiluted need. I need him, and he needs me.

  He backs me up against the bed and we sink onto it, the springs protesting beneath us. Mateo covers me with his body and I pull him closer, relishing the feeling of his weight on me. I slide my knees up around him and there are only a few thin layers of fabric separating us.

  He slides his hands under my shirt, under my bra, and I gasp with pleasure. I scrape my teeth along his lower lip. He growls. He reaches down and tugs on my shorts, trying to pull them down over my hips.

  I don’t want him to stop.

  I really, really don’t want him to stop.

  ‘Stop,’ I say.

  He stops immediately, pulling back and away from me, sitting up.

  ‘Is everything okay?’ he asks.

  ‘Yes,’ I tell him. ‘Better than okay. It’s great. You’re great. I just want to make it very clear that we can’t have sex.’

  Mateo blinks. ‘O…kay?’

  ‘It doesn’t seem like a good idea,’ I say. ‘Not now.’

  Mateo nods. ‘Sure, of course. I know you haven’t…I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.’

  I wince. ‘It’s not that I’m not comfortable with it. And it’s not that I don’t want to. I do want to. But we can’t.’

  He nods again. ‘Can I—’ He pulls an awkward face. ‘I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, but I just want to know…What exactly is it about this being the actual end of the world that makes you think it’s not a good idea? I mean, surely this would be the ideal time to…’

  I laugh. ‘If we were all going to die next week, I’d definitely go for it. But it might be months until things get back to normal. Maybe longer. It could be years. I can’t risk getting pregnant.’

  Dad wasn’t exactly open when it came to stuff like sex. Once or twice he’d said in no uncertain terms that once the shit hit the fan, sex wouldn’t be an option for any of us. There are no contraceptives in the medical locker in the Paddock. Dad said he didn’t want there to be any temptation for us.

  ‘You’re right,’ Mateo says. ‘I get it. Good call.’

  I reach out and splay my hand against his chest. ‘There’re plenty of other things we can do, though.’

  Mateo grins, raising his eyebrows in mock surprise. ‘Are there?’ he says. ‘Tell me about these other things.’

  I pull him back down towards me, and we start kissing again.

  ‘Pru? Are you in here?’

  Mateo and I spring apart, like we’ve been busted by our parents after curfew. Blythe sticks her head around the door. Her eyes dart between us, registering our messed-up hair and kiss-stained lips. I surreptitiously tug my shirt back into place. Mateo pulls a pillow into his lap.

  ‘We’re going down to the lake for a swim,’ Blythe says. ‘I was going to ask if you wanted to join us, but obviously you guys are busy getting busy.’

  I feel my cheeks flush red. ‘We were…Mateo needed some help with…’

  ‘His penis?’ Blythe finishes for me. ‘You don’t have to make excuses, Pru. You’re the big sister, remember? Anyway, we’ll be at the lake. Nice to meet you too, Mateo!’

  She sails out. Mateo and I look at each other. We both know the moment is gone.
<
br />   ‘A swim actually sounds pretty good,’ he says.

  We catch up with the twins and – disappointingly – Keller, and bike out to Lake Lincoln together. Mateo has been practising; he doesn’t fall off once, although he does hop down and push his bike along the bumpy track that leads from the main road down to the lake.

  By the time we get there the shadows are starting to lengthen, though the air is as hot and humid as ever. Panda goes leaping into the lake, sending up huge sheets of water and scattering a flock of galahs that have been cooling off in the shallows. They lift in a great cloud of pink and grey, and Panda barks at them, jumping up and twisting like she believes she can fly, if only she tries hard enough.

  Blythe lets her bike clatter to the ground and kicks off her shoes, dropping her cap and sunglasses next to them.

  ‘Last one in’s a dead dog’s bum!’ she shouts, pulling her shirt over her head and shimmying out of her shorts.

  She runs down to the shore in her black bra and knickers, and splashes into the water with a squeal.

  Keller pulls his shirt over his head and follows her. He doesn’t react to the coldness of the water in any way, because he would think it unmanly to squeal. That’s the kind of dickhead he is.

  Grace climbs off her bike and kicks out the stand, propping it up carefully. She unclips her bag from the bike rack and pulls out two towels, a water bottle and a canvas bag of snacks. She spreads one of the towels out on the ground and sits down, nearly disappearing under the wide brim of her sun-hat.

  I pull out the towel I grabbed from Mateo’s room, and we sit down too. I pull off my sneakers and wiggle my toes in the open air. Grace opens up a ziplock bag of trail mix and passes it around.

  ‘Seriously?’ Blythe yells. She and Keller are floating on their backs, arms spread wide. ‘Nobody else is coming in?’

  I hesitate. I’m not quite as brazen as Blythe when it comes to casual semi-nudity. I glance over at Mateo, who is chewing his lip.

  ‘There aren’t any crocodiles,’ I tell him. ‘I promise.’

  ‘What about snakes?’

  I shake my head.

  ‘What about…’ He cocks his head to the side, trying to remember. ‘Yowies?’

  ‘Yabbies. And yes, while there are yabbies, they are tiny and they absolutely will not attack you.’

  Mateo stares out at the water, no doubt imagining the horrors that lie in wait under the glassy surface.

  Blythe duck-dives under and disappears for a few moments, resurfacing further out with a gasp of pleasure. Keller says something to her, his voice low, and Blythe responds with a peal of laughter. He dives under her and stands up so she’s sitting on her shoulders.

  I hate him.

  ‘Screw it,’ Mateo says, and pulls his shirt off, tugging it from the back the way that boys do. He unlaces his sneakers and pulls off his socks, then sprints down to the water. He lets out a high-pitched shriek as he wades in up to his thighs, then spins around and flops onto his back.

  ‘I am going to get eaten by a yowie,’ he declares. ‘But it will be worth it.’

  Blythe cackles. ‘Isn’t it glorious?’

  Mateo stands up and pushes his wet hair back from his forehead. I quietly perv on him for a bit, admiring the way the water streams off his bare chest.

  Keller, obviously feeling like there’s some kind of manly competition going on, dumps Blythe from his shoulders and starts to swim freestyle out into the middle of the lake.

  ‘I don’t understand why they aren’t coming in,’ says Blythe loudly.

  ‘I know, right?’ says Mateo. ‘It’s hotter than Satan’s ballsack.’ Blythe snorts. ‘It’s hotter than two rats farting in a polyester sock.’

  ‘It’s so hot, two hobbits just arrived looking for somewhere to dispose of a ring.’

  They burst into gales of laughter, kicking water up into the air. I hadn’t realised before, but Blythe and Mateo are kind of similar. They’re both loud and outgoing with absolutely no filter. I feel a twinge of jealousy. What if he likes her more?

  Keller has obviously noticed too, because he turns sharply and starts swimming back to shore.

  ‘Now you get it,’ Grace says to me.

  ‘Get what?’

  She shrugs. ‘Nobody can compete with Blythe.’

  Grace has always been the quiet one, but I never thought she resented it. I’m about to ask her to elaborate, but Mateo comes lumbering up out of the water.

  ‘Come in,’ he says. ‘It’s amazing.’

  I shake my head. I don’t want to leave Grace on her own. She seems so sad.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I say. ‘It’s starting to get cool.’

  Mateo rolls his eyes. ‘It so isn’t,’ he says. ‘But sure, if you want to be hot and miserable out here, then whatever.’

  He turns to head back to the water, and I feel a prickle of disappointment. Why didn’t he try harder to convince me? Maybe he’s enjoying himself out there with Blythe a little too much.

  I glance over at Grace but she’s staring off into the distance, miles away.

  Mateo takes a few steps towards the lake, but then doubles back, swift as a dancer. He bends and scoops me up, slinging me over his shoulder. I scream and laugh and beg for him to put me down as he staggers to the shore and charges into the lake, but he keeps wading forward, deeper and deeper, until finally he slings me over and I thwack into the water.

  It’s cold, and my body responds immediately, my heart starting to hammer and my skin breaking into gooseflesh. I sink down and the water closes over my head. For a moment I’m completely submerged. I open my eyes and feel the cool shock on my eyeballs. The afternoon light above illuminates the eucalyptus-stained water, turning it amber up towards the surface, and sinking down into murky blackness below. Water fills my ears and time is suspended. There’s no EMP. Dad isn’t gone. Jubilee doesn’t exist. Just me in the water, the only sound my own pulse, beating in my ears.

  I resurface and take in a lungful of warm air. I can hear Keller and Blythe laughing, Mateo asking if I’m okay, the sound of birds and crickets and the lapping of water on the shore. I jump up and tackle Mateo, knocking him over. We wrestle playfully, and I end up with my legs wrapped around his waist, the water all around us like an embrace. We are nose to nose.

  ‘Well hello,’ he says quietly.

  ‘Hi,’ I reply, and we make out a little bit.

  ‘Get a room,’ groans Blythe, and Keller murmurs something in her ear that makes her giggle.

  I block them both out and we make out a little bit more.

  Suddenly Mateo shrieks and leaps away, sloshing through the water to the shore.

  ‘Something touched my ankle,’ he says, his voice about an octave higher than usual. ‘Something. Touched. My. Ankle.’

  I look around for Blythe to see her resurface a couple of metres away, killing herself laughing.

  ‘Unacceptable,’ Mateo shouts, reaching down and rubbing his ankle with a shudder.

  ‘Come on,’ she says. ‘You were being gross. I don’t want to swim in the same water as your boner.’

  Mateo’s cheeks redden.

  We eventually drag ourselves out of the lake and flop on the shore. The clouds have lifted somewhat, letting golden afternoon sun filter through. Panda chases dragonflies around the edge of the lake. I don’t have any other clothes to change into, but it doesn’t take long to warm up. Grace offers the trail mix again, but Blythe digs in her bag and produces a packet of jelly snakes, which are far more popular. I try not to think about how many jelly snakes we have left, and how long they’ll last.

  It’s good to be a teenager for a while. Not have to worry about life and death and starvation and whether or not we’re doing the right thing by keeping the Paddock a secret. With my eyes closed, I can almost imagine everyone else here, Ana and the other Jubilee teens, laughing and chatting and floating on ridiculous inflatable unicorns and doughnuts.

  ‘I wish things could stay like this,’ says Blythe. ‘This one perfec
t moment.’

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see Grace’s expression waver. She’s thinking about Dad.

  ‘I guess the one benefit of all this is that we don’t have to share the lake with anyone else,’ Keller says.

  It’s a dumb comment, and I’m about to tell him that, but then I remember. Keller’s dad was at Hansbach too. He didn’t come back. Blythe told me he’s living in the post office, because he can’t bear to go home.

  We’re all grieving in our own ways.

  Grace stays quiet, weaving bluebush flowers into a long chain that drapes over her bare legs.

  Blythe asks Mateo about where he’s from, and he tells her about Puerto Rico and moving to New Jersey.

  ‘Was it hard?’ she asks. ‘Moving to a different country?’

  ‘Sure,’ Mateo says. ‘My English wasn’t great when we first moved to New Jersey. I got called a Mexican, an illegal immigrant, and a whole bunch of other really racist shit that I’d rather not repeat.’

  ‘When did you become a US citizen?’ I ask, curious.

  ‘I’ve always been a US citizen. Puerto Ricans are all US citizens.’

  ‘But Puerto Rico isn’t part of the US.’

  ‘It’s an unincorporated territory,’ he explains. ‘We’re US citizens, but it’s not a state, so we can’t vote for the president.’

  ‘That seems unfair,’ says Blythe.

  ‘It depends on who you ask. It’s complicated.’

  ‘But then why did you get called an illegal immigrant?’ Blythe asks.

  ‘Because racist assholes are usually also stupid. I used to try and correct them, but then my moms explained to me about immigration in the US and how illegal immigrant is such a problematic term anyway. And after that when they’d do it I’d just tell them to go fuck themselves.’

  Blythe laughs. ‘I like him,’ she says to me, jerking her head at Mateo. ‘Good find.’

  I feel a glow of pleasure. Mateo is a good find. I’m glad he’s here with us, on this golden afternoon.

  ‘Do you think the guys who left will make it?’ asks Keller. ‘The Liddels, and Paul and Laurie and the others?’

  ‘I hope the Liddels make it,’ says Blythe. ‘But Laurie McCall can starve to death on the highway for all I care. I can’t believe they stole Georgie’s car.’