Who We Could Be

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  She opened her eyes and glared at me.

  “What? I just have to have the energy for deep shit like that.”

  Monty stared out the window. “I’m sorry I asked.”

  “Hey.” I touched her arm. “Sorry, that was mean. Talk to me.”

  “No, it’s fine.”

  I pulled into the nearest driveway and turned off the car and faced her.

  “Talk,” I said.

  “This is someone’s driveway. They’re going to wonder what the hell we’re doing.”

  I waved my hand. “Don’t worry about that.”

  Finally, she closed her eyes and sighed.

  “I don’t know, Cin. It’s all too much sometimes. Realizing that all my plans are gone, and now I have to come up with new ones, and I don’t know how to do that, or where to start or what I’m supposed to be doing. Or what I even want.”

  I had to think about that for a moment before I answered. “I mean, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either. Does anyone? I know that’s hard for you, to not have a plan, but you’ll get one again. What about getting a new apartment? That’s something. And getting a cat! Those are two positive things. You literally just realized you’re not heterosexual like five minutes ago. Give yourself a break.”

  Monty nodded. “You’re right. I know you’re right, but my brain is telling me something else.”

  “Big mood,” I said. My brain was always telling me all kinds of ridiculous shit that was hard to ignore. “How about this? Go home and make a list of things you want to do. Even if it seems silly. You love lists.”

  That made her smile. “I do love lists.”

  In fact, I might get her some new paper for making said lists for her birthday next month.

  “Okay, I’m good. Freakout over. We can leave this random person’s driveway.” I’d completely forgotten about that part and then I looked up and stared right into the eyes of the woman looking out the window and glaring at me.

  “Oh my god.” I started the car and backed out as quickly as I could without taking out a mailbox or crashing into any oncoming traffic. It was close.

  “We’re lucky she didn’t wave a gun at us and yell about trespassing,” Monty said, but she was laughing.

  “I’ll think about that next time before I park in a random driveway, thanks.” My heart was still racing from making eye contact with the homeowner.

  Monty did seem lighter when I dropped her off at her place. She deserved to get a new apartment, and it would be fun to help her move and decorate a new place. New vibes.

  I sat in my car for a few minutes before walking into my house. I’d been doing my best to avoid my mom and all of her emotions over the fact that she wasn’t going to get to plan a wedding for me and Gus. She’d been even more invested in it than I’d thought.

  Dad was in the living room watching Wheel of Fortune when I walked in.

  “Where’s Mom?” I whispered.

  “She’s not here,” he said at a normal volume. “She’s out at book club, you know that.” Right, I’d forgotten.

  “That’s good,” I said, leaning against the wall with relief. “Is she doing okay?”

  “I don’t want you to worry about that. She’s going to be fine. How are you doing?” I was tired of the question, but I knew he asked it from a good place.

  I pulled a light blanket off the back of the couch and lay down.

  “I’m good. Do you want me to make something for dinner?”

  He muted the TV. “No, I was going to order pizza. Do you want garlic bread or wings?”

  “Yes.”

  That made him laugh. “Okay. Both it is.” He kissed me on the forehead and handed me the remote before going to make the call to Charlie’s.

  MOM SEEMED IN GOOD spirits, and maybe a little tipsy, when she got back from her book club. I remembered asking if I could join, but she told me to find my own club because it was “her” thing, which did make sense, I guess.

  One of these days, Monty and I were going to start one. We talked about it all the time but had never gotten our act together. Maybe that was another thing she could add to her list.

  “Can we talk?” she asked me, after she’d regaled me and Dad with the most interesting stories from book club. They did get around to discussing the book, but it usually happened after the gossip session opener.

  “Yeah, sure?” I was exhausted, but I could sense she had something she wanted to get out. Dad made himself scarce, and then it was just the two of us.

  “I just wanted to apologize for making you feel bad about your engagement ending. I didn’t want you to think that I was disappointed in you for not going through with it. I want you to be happy, bottom line, and if you weren’t happy with Gus, then I wouldn’t want that for you. I love you, Tessa. I only want what’s best for you.” She gave me a huge hug, and when she pulled back we were both crying.

  “You did make things a little dramatic,” I said, as she handed me a tissue.

  “Well, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t cause some drama. Where do you think you get it from?” She had a valid point. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree in that respect.

  “I really do love you. No matter what, Tess Tess.” I made a face at the nickname. My family had a whole dictionary full of embarrassing nicknames for me that I would rather no one else knew about.

  “I know, Mom. I love you too.”

  There was a gleam in her eye. “I might have saved you a little something.” She went and got her purse, pulling out something wrapped in napkins.

  “Is it what I think it is?” I asked as she handed it to me.

  “Check it out.”

  “Score,” I said, as I unwrapped a small stack of Nancy’s caramel apple cider cookies. They were my absolute favorite, and I’d tried to get the recipe numerous times, but she wouldn’t give it up. Monty and I had spent a memorable weekend attempting to make them with limited success. Maybe we should try it again. There couldn’t be anything that secret in them.

  “Thank you,” I said as I nibbled at one of the cookies. I wanted it to last because it would be a whole month or so before I’d get to have another one.

  “You’re welcome, my favorite daughter.”

  “I’m your only daughter.”

  “That I know of,” she pointed out. We both laughed.

  “HOW IS YOUR LIST COMING?” I asked Monty that night when she called me. I knew she would.

  “Pretty good so far.”

  “May I add something to it?”

  “Maybe? What did you want to add?”

  “Figuring out Nancy’s cookies again. We haven’t tried for a little while. I think we can crack it if we really try.”

  I heard the sigh in her voice. “You really have a thing for those cookies. It would be a lot easier to just hack into her computer and see if she has it saved, or even to break into her house.”

  “I mean, I’m up for hacking or burglary if you are. The cookies are that good.”

  She laughed. “I mean, I know you think that, but sure, we can give the recipe another shot. I’ll add that one for you.”

  “Nice.”

  There was a pause. “I was wondering if you could help me with something.”

  “Of course.”

  “I think I might want to set up an online dating profile.”

  I couldn’t speak for a second. “Oh?”

  “Yeah, I mean, it’s just to test things, to see what’s out there. It’s not like there are a ton of eligible people in the right age bracket who are also single for me around here.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “So I was thinking I could try it. I mean, it’s not a commitment or anything. It’s just to try it.”

  “And you need my help for what?”

  “I need to take a nice picture and I want you to help me with it. And maybe make sure my profile looks good?”

  My chest started to tighten and I was finding it hard to breathe. What the hell was going on with me? I put a ha
nd on my racing heart. Where was all this anxiety coming from?

  “Tessa?” she asked, because I hadn’t said anything in response.

  “Uh, yeah. I can do that. Sure. Of course.” The phone slipped in my sweaty hand and I nearly dropped it.

  “Great. Thanks. I have no flipping clue if anyone is going want me, or how to go about dating someone that isn’t TJ, but I figure it’s worth a shot? Even if I just make a bunch of mistakes.”

  “Who are you and what have you done with Ford?” I asked. Monty wasn’t a fan of mistakes or spontaneity or anything unplanned. I didn’t know what to make of this Monty who was diving headfirst into the unknown.

  She laughed. “I don’t know. Let’s take this one step at a time. I might turn around and completely change my mind in a day.”

  The conversation drifted away from her dating life and I told her about the talk with my mom.

  “Well, that’s good at least. Good to know that she apologized,” she said.

  “Yeah, definitely. I still feel like I should be more upset. Like it’s going to sneak up on me or something.” Could that happen? Could grief do that?

  “I think you’re not sad because you didn’t really lose anything. You and Gus are still friends and you’re doing almost the same shit you were when you were engaged. Now without the added pressure of getting married.”

  “True,” I said. “And honestly, I don’t remember the last time we kissed. You know, really kissed. Like, make out kind of thing. I figured we just weren’t that kind of couple, but it turns out we weren’t any kind of couple. At least not a couple that wanted to be with each other.”

  I couldn’t even imagine trying to date again. It put knots in my stomach just thinking about it. Dating Gus was so easy because we already knew each other. There was no awkward phase. No learning about each other’s families and likes and dislikes, because I already knew all that shit about him. Thinking about doing that with another guy made me want to take a nap.

  “You could always try online dating with me,” Monty said with a little laugh.

  “Oh, hell no. I don’t think so. That is definitely not for me.” I shuddered at the idea of random guys messaging me and trying out their best lines. Why would I put myself through that?

  “My mom probably already has a list of my potential victims and is engineering meet cutes as we speak,” I said with a shudder. That’s exactly something she would do.

  “Oh my god, she would definitely do that. I mean, there are plenty of eligible men around. How about Rusty Collins?”

  I made a gagging noise. “Are we talking about the guy who used to eat glue?”

  “I’m sure he’s not still eating glue, Tessa,” she said.

  “Hey, how do you know? Have you seen him lately? He looks like ninety miles of bad road.”

  Seriously, for a guy who was our age, he looked like he was in his forties somehow. And that wouldn’t have mattered, except his personality also sucked.

  “You never know who could be your prince charming.” I gagged again.

  “Okay, okay, I get it. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Cin. But don’t close yourself off from possibilities.”

  “I’m definitely going to close myself off from possibilities that involve me dating Rusty Collins.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “YOU SEEM LIGHTER,” Hollie said, the next time I was at their house for dinner.

  “Do I?” I asked, as I cut into my second piece of lasagna.

  “You do,” she said, smiling at me and then beaming at Vanessa. They shared one of those secret smiles that only people who know and care deeply for one another can share.

  “And we have some news. We are having a baby.”

  I dropped my fork.

  “Oh my god, really?”

  “Yes, we signed the paperwork and we have our surrogate. It’s a woman we found through an agency and we’re flying out to Colorado to meet her officially and go with her to the doctor.”

  I jumped up from the table and gathered them both in a huge hug. We all cried together.

  “I’m so happy for both of you. I can’t believe I’m going to have a cousin!”

  “It’s not for sure yet. She still has to actually get pregnant and carry to term, but she’s committed to helping us do this. She’s a wonderful person,” Hollie said.

  The rest of the meal was taken up with talk about the potential baby, and they showed me the room that they were going to convert into a nursery if the time came.

  “We’re trying not to get our hopes up, but we know one way or another, we will have a child,” Vanessa said, kissing Hollie on the temple.

  “You’re going to be great moms. I mean, you already are. You’ve got to practice on me and my brothers our whole lives.”

  “We’re going to do our best. That’s all anyone can do, right?” Hollie said.

  “Agreed.”

  I STAYED MUCH LONGER with Vanessa and Hollie than I planned, but it was just so comforting and warm to be with them at their house. I couldn’t stop drinking tea and eating the cookies they kept handing me.

  “Something on your mind, sweetheart?” Hollie asked, after my third cup of tea.

  “Not really. I mean, no more than usual, and with everything happening with Gus and now this Monty stuff.”

  “What Monty stuff?” Vanessa asked, as I stirred honey into my cup.

  “She’s like, talking about dating and it’s weird. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I don’t want her to get in a relationship again. I mean, I hated TJ because he was an awful person, but I also hated him because he took her away from me. How messed up is that? I don’t own her.”

  As soon as I started talking, it was as if I’d blown up a dam and the words came pouring out.

  “Jealousy is normal, you know. Even between best friends,” Hollie said gently, coming over to put her arm around me. “It’s okay to feel what you feel.”

  “I don’t want to feel the way I feel,” I said, wrapping my arms around my stomach. I hated the way I felt right now. It was slithery and shameful.

  “Does talking about it help?” Vanessa asked.

  I leaned into her. “Not really. Ask me later.” Right now I wasn’t feeling too great.

  “It will work out eventually. Who knows what will happen?” Vanessa said.

  “I’m glad TJ doesn’t have a sister,” I said.

  Seventeen

  Monty

  “Okay, those are all terrible. Are you trying to make me look bad?” I said, checking the first few shots that Tessa had taken with my phone.

  “Are you kidding? You look amazing. How many more do I have to take?”

  I glared at her. For someone who had volunteered to be my photographer, she was really being a pain in the ass.

  “Fine, whatever. Let’s just go.” The brick façade of the library was the perfect place, in my mind, to take a selfie that would communicate my personality to potential suitors. I’d brought several outfits and made Tessa stand watch while I changed in the back of my car and fixed my hair and makeup, and she grumbled the entire time.

  “No, no. Come on. Give it to me, give it to me,” she said, pretending to be an aggressive photographer. “Yes, work it, work it.”

  I did my best, but I knew the pictures were going to look like shit. For some reason, anytime my brain was aware a camera was on it, it sent a signal to my face to make expressions that no human had made before. As a result, all my best pictures were candids, which I couldn’t very well plan.

  Extremely frustrating.

  “No, no. I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore.” I picked at a thread in my skirt.

  “Okay,” Tessa said, without much protesting. “Do you want to go get something to eat? Maybe grilled cheeses from The Lobster Shack?”

  “Yeah, sure.” We got in my car and drove down toward the beach and parked near the food truck. In addition to amazing seafood, they also happened to make the best grilled chees
e sandwiches I’d ever had in my entire life. No idea what they put in them, or what made them so magic, but they were.

  “I’ll buy, how’s that?” Tessa said, nudging me with her shoulder.

  “I’m a fan of that idea,” I said as we got in line. Tessa also ordered a massive container of fries and two sodas.

  Even though the picnic area was packed, we were able to find a table to ourselves that wasn’t too covered in ketchup and seagull crap. I pulled a wipe out of my purse and made sure my eating and sitting areas were clear.

  “Do you have one of those for me?” Tessa asked, and I gave her one. “What would I do without you?”

  “Eat on a bird-shit covered bench?”

  She made a face. “No, I’d probably just use a napkin or something.”

  I was still annoyed about the picture-taking, but it was hard to be angry with her for long.

  As soon as I sunk my teeth into the sandwich, I wasn’t thinking about being mad at Tessa. I wasn’t thinking about my cheating ex and his new girl and baby.

  “You look like you’re having a religious experience over there,” Tessa said, and I realized I’d closed my eyes to fully experience the wonder of cheese and toasted bread and butter and whatever else they used to make this wonderful thing.

  “I can’t hear you because I’m in Valhalla right now.”

  “Oh, is it nice there?”

  “Shhhh,” I said, going back to my sandwich. I thought I was going to cry when I finished, but Tessa pushed the box of fries at me.

  “I didn’t put ketchup all over them. You’re welcome.” Tessa was chaotic when it came to ketchup. I was okay with eating it in small doses, but she would literally pour it over everything and it ruined whatever it touched with soggy sweetness.

  “Thanks,” I said, grabbing a few. “Now I’m sad they’re not grilled cheese.”

  “I’ll be right back,” she said, getting up.

  “Where are you going?” I asked.

  “Bathroom!”

  I went back to my fries and waited, looking out across the dunes. The tide was high, so everyone on the beach was crammed together on a limited amount of sand. Seagulls wheeled overhead, probably looking for unattended bags of chips or snacks that they could snatch. Little fuckers.