If Only

by Carole Geithner

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I have many people to thank for their support and wisdom on this project: My faithful agent, Cathy Hemming, who believed in the power of Corinna’s story; my talented editors, Jen Rees and Emily Seife, who shared their valuable guidance with grace; the rest of my team at Scholastic, including Sheila Marie Everett and Bess Braswell; my inspiring writing teachers, Jimin Han and Pat Dunn; my fellow writers, especially Tessa McGovern, Lisa Cader, Sara Taber, and Michele Myers; my bereavement work colleagues, Mindy Farkas, Patty Donovan Duff, and Jane Cameron; the many people whose stories I had the honor of listening to as their counselor and who taught me so much about the many ways people grieve; my graduate school buddies, Barry Rosenberg and Alex Hartz, who were there for me when I needed to know I wasn’t alone; my readers and supportive friends, especially Merna Guttentag, Sue Ringler Pet, Nordeen Morello, Linda Marrow, Linda Spock, Lauren Vinciguerra, Pat Discenza, Naomi Pollock, Liz Miller, Robin Rue, Cynthia Eyster, Sherry Kahn, Deborah DeMille-Wagman, and Josh Steiner; my young readers, Susannah, Kathryn, Julia, Abby, Eve, Amanda, Caroline, Clare, and Kaiya; and my family, whose love and encouragement meant the world to me.

  A Q&A with Author Carole Geithner

  Loss and grief are topics that are often avoided because they make us uncomfortable. What made you decide to write a fictional novel on such a difficult subject?

  My mother died when I was a young social-worker-in-training. The death of someone close to you changes your life profoundly. Apart from my own acute sense of loss, I experienced the awkward dance of people not knowing what to do or say and my own ambivalence about what I wanted them to do or say. As a social worker, I have listened to stories shared by children, teens, and adults who had experienced a loss, many of whom described a feeling of being set apart or feeling alone. When I was working with teens in bereavement support groups, I had difficulty finding accessible reading material for them, their families, and those in support roles.

  Are you worried that people might find it hard to pick up a book about death and grief? Or that it might be hard for them to read it all the way through?

  Yes and no. People will choose to read it at their own pace and at a time when it feels right for them. I think most readers will find that there is enough humor and hope to lighten the journey. Corinna makes a quilt out of her mother’s clothes as a way to hold onto memories. It seems to mean a lot to her.

  What made you choose a memory quilt?

  Before I wrote the first words in the book, my first step was to make a quilt. I thought it would help me to enter Corinna’s physical and emotional world. I only had a few remaining fabric items that belonged to my mom, and I wasn’t willing to cut up her favorite sweater (which I still wear), but I managed to make a nine-square quilt. When I show the quilt at author talks, I am sometimes asked about the story of a particular square. The most meaningful square is from the nightgown my mom wore when she died. It has a satin rosette ribbon that was next to her heart.

  Some of your reviews mention the authenticity of Corinna’s thirteen-year-old voice. How did you go about capturing her character and voice? And why did you choose to write from the perspective of a thirteen-year-old?

  When I began the book, my own kids were in the late-middle school, early-high school age range, as were many of the kids with whom I was working. Those were the voices I was hearing on a daily basis — at home, while carpooling, and at the bereavement support groups. I also re-read a collection of letters my camp friend and I had exchanged at that age. They were a helpful reminder of some of the challenges of that stage of life. In addition, I had some junior high and high school readers review early drafts, and they let me know when the voice or cultural references were “off.” Writing in the voice of a thirteen-year-old allowed me to put aside some of the adult filters I would normally have kept in place, which in turn freed Corinna’s interior voice to shine through. It made me less self-conscious.

  What have you heard from your readers? What responses do you enjoy the most?

  Receiving notes from readers of all ages is one of the highlights of being an author. Some readers resonate with the difficulties of navigating peer relationships at Corinna’s age, others resonate with her fears about having the surviving parent die, or feeling alone and set apart. Still others mention that the book has helped them be less stressed around a friend or student who has had a parent die. I’ve heard from a number of adults who had a parent die when they were young and they’ve told me how evocative it was of their experiences or how they wished they had their hands on such a book at the time. Several said they hoped that teachers would read the book, as they’d had difficult experiences in the classroom after their parent died.

  Many books begin with the death of a parent. Why do you think that is such a common theme?

  Death or abandonment by a parent is probably a universal fear of childhood — that the child will be alone at a time when they need care and protection. Through fiction, whether a novel or a fairy tale, a young reader can enter scary situations alongside the protagonist, fight the fight, and succeed, all within the safety of the story. We want to know how we would survive should our worst fears come to pass.

  What suggestions do you have for writers?

  Read a lot. Carry a notebook with you so that you can write down ideas as they occur to you. Use your powers of observation. Having a snippet of a scene you observed can help get you started when you sit down to write, and the possibilities are endless. Notice and jot down the odd details, physical appearance, setting, dialog, and body language you observe. Don’t forget smells and sounds and your emotional reactions to them. I also found it extremely helpful to have readers react to drafts every once in a while. You don’t have to agree with all of their suggestions, but their comments can trigger new ideas. Resist the temptation to protect your protagonist. When you allow your characters to make mistakes, the stories get a lot more interesting.

  What influenced you to set part of the story in Japan?

  I lived in Tokyo for two years as an adult and have visited Kyoto twice. I remember being moved by how the Japanese culture approaches death and grief. They have many rituals that facilitate mourning and staying connected to the loved person who died. Corinna’s relationship with her father evolves over the course of the story. At the start of the book you portray him as rather numb and withdrawn. The surviving parent or caregiver’s ability to be reliably present and comforting to the child or teen is a key factor in how a child adapts to loss. Corinna’s dad is struggling with his own grief. It takes time for him to be more engaged and less numb. He loves her and is doing his best, but sometimes Corinna needs more from him, including some of the every-day things her mother used to do, like taking her shopping for new clothes. Corinna and her dad are trying to protect each other, which sometimes results in them feeling alone. They have to figure out how and when they should talk about Sophie. They are learning how to keep Sophie’s memory alive while still moving forward.

  How did your career as a social worker affect how you wrote IF ONLY?

  It helped me illustrate some of the good and the bad about how our society approaches grief and grievers and provide a realistic view into the interior world of a grieving teen. I wanted to weave into the story some of the things that have been more helpful and less helpful to grieving teens.

  What words of advice do you have for someone whose close friend has had a death in the family?

  Acknowledge their loss and their unique grief, and do it in an honest and caring way: it’s ok to say you don’t know what to say but that you want to be there for them. Avoid pat phrases and platitudes like, “It’s all for the best,” or “She’s in a better place.” Those leave most grievers feeling like you don’t understand. Don’t say you know how they feel, either. Writing a personal note, however awkward it might feel, is a great way to let them know you care, and it’s something they can read and react to when they have privacy and are in the right mood. Be a good
listener — if the person wants to talk about their loss, listen. If they want to share memories, listen. If they want to hear memories about the person who died, share some. Understand that it will take time. If they want company, be there. Hold back on advice unless it’s asked for. Silence is ok — you don’t need to fill the spaces. Kids and teens want life to be as normal as possible. They are kids first, grievers second. It’s important to realize that nothing you say or do can “cure” or “fix” grief. It isn’t fixable. Keep in mind that saying nothing is often interpreted as not caring. One group of grieving teens discussing this very question concluded that the right person cannot say the wrong thing and the wrong person cannot say the right thing. A girl in that same group said that she feels sorry for some people at school who are trying so hard to be nice but are totally “clueless.”

  What’s the right way to grieve?

  There is neither a “right way” nor a “right” timetable. All people grieve differently. In fact, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s well-known “stages of grief” model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) is no longer the framework that grief-support professionals use to describe the grief process. Grief does not happen in a linear pattern, nor does it have an endpoint or “closure.” One of the more current frameworks for understanding the grief process comes from William Worden. His non-linear “Tasks of Mourning” are:

  Acknowledge the reality of the death

  Feel the feelings, experience the pain of grief

  Adjust to a world that no longer includes the physical presence of the loved person

  Re-establish the relationship to the loved person in your mental and emotional life

  In fact, grief is a lifelong adjustment, with an ebbing and flowing of grief waves. The waves spread out over time, but there’s always the possibility that a smell or an anniversary date, a developmental milestone or other experience will trigger a new wave. A child or teen may mourn in bits and pieces — some have described these as “grief bursts” or “grief storms” — anger and/or sadness, with intermittent periods of appearing just fine. Personality style and coping skills before the loss are also big factors in an individual’s reaction over time. Feeling a sense of social support is extremely important to how the family and individual fare. Families in which the death is kept secret or who feel a sense of shame about the death tend to get less support, which makes the adjustment to their new reality that much harder.

  What support resources can you recommend?

  I have many resources (support groups, online resources, information about grief, books) listed on my website, www.carolegeithner.com.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Carole Sonnenfeld Geithner has over 20 years of experience as a clinical social worker in schools, hospitals, counseling agencies, and private practice with children, teens, and adults, many of whom had childhoods shaped by significant loss. As an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at George Washington University’s School of Medicine, she taught listening skills to medical students. She facilitates Writing to Heal workshops and is at work on a second novel. You can visit her online at www.carolegeithner.com.