Damaged and the Beast

by Bijou Hunter

  I tried to channel the sexy part of me that knew what to do to make him feel good. Cooper’s hands were behind his head as I climbed over him to tease his chest. Then, I moved lower to his hard stomach and softly kissed the flesh the way he always did to me. In no hurry, I imitated Cooper and his leisurely way of making me squirm.

  Cooper’s breathing sped up as I slid down past his belly button. Finally, I lifted my gaze to his face where he watched me with an odd expression. It was somewhere between horny as hell and examining an alien life form.

  The horny as hell part made it an easy transition from his stomach to his hard cock. As it thickened even more in my mouth, I might not feel confident, but I could fake it. I’d gone to school sick before. I’d smiled on bad days. I could fake a lot of things and I could fake like I was a pro at blowjobs.

  No matter my plans, Cooper stopped me. I tried to keep going, but he sat up and pulled me off him. “Just stop,” he said, wiping my wet cheeks. “It’s awful. You know that, right?”

  “I can get better.”

  Cooper shook his head and leaned back on the bed. He was still so hard and I wasn’t giving up. Either I needed to be more confident or fake it better. Straddling him, I tried to guide him inside, but couldn’t. Suddenly, I was too small or he was too big or I was just aiming wrong. Again, Cooper stopped me.

  “Knock it off,” he growled, his dark eyes irritated. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”

  “I want this,” I whimpered, full of frustration and panic. “Please.”

  Cooper lifted me off his hips and I started to cry until he leaned over and kissed me. Soon, he was angled between my legs as his fingers stroked my nipples and his lips sucked hard on my tongue. Pulling his mouth away, he nuzzled his face in my hair.

  “Tell me you love me,” he murmured in my ear. “Make me believe you want me.”

  “I do. I love you so much, Cooper. More than anything. Please.”

  Somehow, when he thrusted inside me, he fit perfectly and I didn’t know how the hell I messed it up minutes earlier. I decided to concentrate on him, but I still felt that panic in my gut. Fear growing in waves, I had trouble relaxing enough to even take a good breath.

  My hands stroked his chest, wanting him to know I loved him. Wanting Cooper to ignore my tears and the look on my face. The same look that forced him to close his eyes as if he couldn’t finish if he saw me.

  Afterwards, I rested against him as he again stared at the ceiling. Cooper was silent for nearly a half hour. A braver girl would have asked already, but I wasn’t brave. The last week was tougher than the first and I didn’t want to fight with Cooper. So I laid next to him with my hand on his arm, just over the patriotic eagle. By the time Cooper spoke, I had memorized the tattoo, down to every feather.

  “Something has to change,” he said softly as his gaze remained focused on the ceiling. “I don’t know how you can mouth off about the smallest shit, but then lay there and let me fuck you when you hate it.”

  “I don’t hate it.”

  Cooper sighed angrily. “You’re not much of an actress, Farah. Your every damn emotion is written across your face. When you’re pissed. When you’re happy. When you’re miserable with me fucking you, it’s all right there for me to see.”

  What could I say? Sorry my face does things I can’t control? Sorry I don’t like sex and applaud like every other girl? In the end, I just went with sorry and Cooper sighed again.

  “Sorry you don’t want sex or sorry that I know you don’t want sex? Or maybe you’re sorry for not being able to get away from me? What exactly are you sorry for?”

  “I’m sorry you’re upset.”

  “Liar.”

  “I don’t know what you want.”

  “That’s the problem, isn’t it?” he said, turning over to glare at me. “You don’t know what you want, so how the hell can you know what anyone else wants?”

  “I know what I want.”

  “To go to school. To be a teacher. You want shit you filled your head with when you were a kid. Now, you’re an adult wanting that crap. Do you really want it though? Do you want me? Do you even like guys?”

  “I’m not a lesbian,” I said, getting out of bed and reaching for my clothes. “That’s such a cliché guys go to when a girl doesn’t react the way they want about sex.”

  “No,” Cooper muttered, yanking on his jeans. “You might actually be a lesbian and not know it. I’m not sure you do much thinking about stuff outside your kiddie dreams.”

  “I am attracted to you. You are not a girl. I am not a lesbian. If I was, I would have told you to fuck off right away.”

  “Maybe not. It’s a small town. People act stupid. Maybe you figured you’d play along. I do tip well and you get friends and rides and shit by pretending to like me except you can’t pretend. Your fucking face won’t let you lie.”

  “Lesbians don’t have sex with guys so they can get tips.”

  “How would you know?”

  “Fuck you. You don’t get your way and your immediate response is to accuse me of using you. I couldn’t just be young and unsure. No, I’m a bitch mooching off the rich guy. Fuck you, Coop.”

  Once dressed, I wanted to leave, but needed a ride from the asshole behind me. Turning to him, I found Cooper so pissed I was surprised steam wasn’t pulsing out of his ears.

  “I’m leaving,” I said, crossing my arms.

  “We need to fucking talk.”

  “About what? All the ways I use you and how you’re an innocent victim of my lesbian trickery? You’re an idiot and I want to go home.”

  Walking to the door, I wasn’t surprised when Cooper stepped in my way and blocked the exit.

  “I said we need to talk.”

  “And I said about what?”

  “About how you cry every time we’re together. Even out in the hot tub where for five seconds you seemed to enjoy yourself, you ended up bawling. Why do you keep doing shit you hate? Hell, when you went down on me, I thought you might puke you were crying so hard.”

  Wrapping my arms tightly around my body, I tried to disappear. Even if Cooper wasn’t looming over me looking scary as shit, I wasn’t discussing my sex issues with him again.

  “Fuck!” he hollered, punching a hole in the wall two inches from my face. “You just shut down whenever you don’t get your way. You won’t talk to me about anything. I get that you have a shit family, but that’s no reason to spend the rest of your life making shitty decisions.”

  Trembling at how close he came to punching me, I whispered, “I’m going home.”

  “I’m not taking you home. If you want to leave, fucking walk.”

  Staring into Cooper’s angry eyes, I realized he expected me to back down. He expected wrong.

  While I might have issues with sex and talking about my every farting feeling, I had no problem walking long distances. My family was routinely without transportation when I was growing up. Either the car didn’t work or we didn’t have money for gas.

  Leaving Cooper’s apartment, I walked down the stairs and pulled on my backpack. If I walked steadily, I could make it home in an hour. Two at the most. Screw him for thinking I would give a shit about a little exercise. Screw him for being so pampered that he didn’t realize others survived without having their asses wiped every day.

  Once I had been walking for nearly fifteen minutes, the realization of Cooper and I being over suddenly hit me. Tears burned my eyes as I felt all that loss. The more I considered my feelings for Cooper, the more I accepted how I had hoped he would grow into a man I could trust completely. He was rough and sometimes the things he said hurt my feelings or made me want to run in the opposite direction. Yet, when we were together in bed, he could be so tender. It was the main reason I wanted to have sex. If I ignored the actual sex part, I enjoyed being so close to him. Now, it was over and he wouldn’t even remember my name when he saw me at school.

  In the end, some part of me always knew it would be over because Cooper ha
d no reason to change into someone less intense. Mister Perfect would take five seconds to find a new girlfriend who wouldn’t want him to change. Most of the girls loved how rough he was, laughed at his rude mouth, and moaned over his every caress. They would do everything right and make him happy. He had no reason to change, but unless he did, I would never feel comfortable with him. Deep inside, he scared the shit out of me and I figured he always would.

  Even depressed, I was resigned to the upside of breaking up with Cooper. He and I were always going to break up, but now he would find someone who could handle him. I could find someone like Nick who was soft and calm. Dull in a sexy way, instead of gorgeous in a wild scary way. Even accepting how right I was to end things with Cooper, I still sobbed because he was my first love. He had been mine, but now he wasn’t. It was the reality of life in a nutshell.

  The first two times I heard motorcycles, I thought Cooper had changed his mind about giving me a ride home. Dozens of motorcycles roared past me on my walk. Some headed to town, others out to the countryside. I ignored them after realizing they weren’t Cooper. One guy stopped and offered me a ride, but I told him I was waiting for someone. It wasn’t a complete lie, yet I didn’t think he believed me especially because I was crying so hard.

  When another motorcycle stopped, I shouldn’t have known it was Cooper. I should have zoned out the possibility, but I felt him and stopped walking. Lifting my gaze to where the Harley idled, I hurried forward. Cooper didn’t look at me or speak when I climbed on. Keeping up the silence, I wrapped my arms around him as he roared back onto the road and towards my apartment.

  Resting my face against his warm back, I wished things were different, but they never would be. Cooper was from his world where he was fucking perfect. I was from another world where he was fucking scary. Besides, Cooper thought I should just stop being damaged like it was a choice. Like I wanted to cry during sex, instead of enjoying his hot body.

  I felt like I did the best I could when I was essentially alone in a new place without the only person I truly trusted. Maybe I would be less moody or more vocal if Tawny was living with me, but she wasn’t and I couldn’t give Cooper more than I already had. Nothing would change either of us. No matter how good he felt or how much I loved him, I had to let him go.

  Cooper pulled up to the front of the apartment complex and turned off his Harley. Sliding off the back, I wasn’t sure what to say. I hadn’t even been sure if he wanted me to say anything because he hadn’t spoken on the drive. With the bike silent, I suspected he wanted to talk. Nervous, I weaseled out of a conversation.

  “Thanks for the ride. I’ll see you at school.”

  Grabbing my wrist, Cooper stared at me almost as if in shock. “That’s it? You’re just done with me?”

  “We’re too different. We’ll just make each other miserable.”

  Frowning darkly, Cooper glanced around then back at me. “Fuck.”

  Cooper released my wrist and soon the bike roared to life and down the street. I watched him go and stood a few minutes longer, just thinking about how wrong the day turned. Walking to the apartment, I told myself my unhappiness was from Cooper’s potential revenge towards me. In reality, I missed the safety I felt in his arms. A safety defying the rest of Cooper’s personality.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Despite my depression that evening, I didn’t call Tawny. Mostly, I was embarrassed I hadn’t been able to keep Cooper. How would I explain to my sister stranded in a shit motel that I had a chance with a rich hot guy that loved me, but I was too awful at sex to keep him from thinking I was a lesbian? Tawny wouldn’t judge outwardly, but I knew she would think I messed up. Girls like us had few chances at anything great in our lives and Cooper was great in many ways.

  He wasn’t perfect though. Despite what he thought about himself, Cooper had nearly punched me in the face. Thinking back to that moment, I should have been warier of my next move. I had chosen to leave without considering how he might hurt me. Maybe I hadn’t taken it seriously enough or maybe I had been too upset to care, but I was reckless.

  If I talked to Tawny, I would likely tell her how Cooper almost hit me. She would say it was good we broke up. She would judge Cooper and I didn’t want her to think poorly of him. I shouldn’t protect the asshole, but I loved him. Somehow, when I got up the nerve to call her in a day or two, I would figure out a lie to answer why Cooper and I weren’t together. I wasn’t great at lying to Tawny, but the truth was too embarrassing.

  Crying in my room, I turned on the cheap clock radio to muffle my sobs. Amy and Tex were in the living room watching TV and laughing it up. While they partied, I replayed the morning with Cooper.

  Finally falling asleep just after dark, I was exhausted, depressed, and dreading the next day. I woke up with the same worries. Would Cooper take away my friends? Would he show up with a new girl and rub it in my face? Would he embarrass me by acting like I didn’t exist?

  By the time I saw Skye, I was prepared for the worst. Upon seeing me, she shook her head.

  “Guy troubles, huh?”

  “How do you know?”

  “Honestly? You look like shit. Like you cried all night. Also, I heard from someone that Cooper was raging through town last night. He’s been pretty mellow lately. I figured he was freaking out because you two had a fight. The guy has temper issues.”

  “We broke up.”

  “Broke up?” Skye yelled then looked around and lowered her voice. “He dumped you? Man, that’s harsh. You guys just hooked up on Friday night. Everyone was talking about how he carried you out of the house. You seemed wasted or something. I don’t really know because I was all into Tyler. I met his parents, you know?”

  “How did it go?” I asked, relieved to have the subject off of me and Cooper.

  “Great. I’m awesome with parents. They were nice too, but my parents didn’t like Tyler. I tried to guilt them into liking him by saying they were racists if they didn’t, but they just don’t like how he’s into Jesus. It would really help if he didn’t wear the giant crucifix, but his mom bought it for him and he’s sweet on his mom.”

  “I’m sure it’ll work out. You wanted to keep him for the year at least. Your parents not liking him won’t change that, will it?”

  “No, but I don’t need my mom nagging at me. My little adopted brother started first grade so she’s lonely during the day. Nagging me is a fun hobby of hers.”

  I forced a smile. “Screen your calls, I guess.”

  Skye laughed. “Yeah, I should. That would drive her crazy.”

  Once in class, I tried to pay attention to the instructor, but my mind was on seeing Cooper. Afterwards, Skye was back to talking about Tyler and how his abs were hotter than any in the universe. So busy nodding at everything she said, I didn’t see Bailey storming towards us.

  “Hey, bitch!” Bailey announced, cornering me against a wall.

  The thing with Bailey was her friendly banter wasn’t all that different from her raging. I wasn’t sure she was angry until she looked me up and down then did her little lip pucker “something stinks in here” expression.

  “Because of you, my brother shaved off his head last night.”

  “His head?” Skye said, laughing.

  “Fuck off, bitch!” After Skye’s laughter stopped mid-giggle, Bailey glared at me. “You hurt him because you’re a bitch and mentally deficient.”

  “He shaved his head off?” I asked confused.

  “Yeah, dumbass!” Bailey yelled, shoving me against the wall hard enough for my head to bounce off the bricks. Then, she paused and her eyes focused upward. “Oh, his hair, I mean. He shaved off his hair. Not his head. Anyway, because you suck, Coop and Tuck got wasted and shaved their heads. Now, my mom is pissed because she doesn’t like their hair that short. She said it makes them look like skinheads and she doesn’t like suspenders.”

  I doubted Bailey was really certain what her mom didn’t like. Either way, I wasn’t explaining anything to Bailey
who punched girls over minor infractions. My head already hurt and I hated getting punched in the face.

  “I’m sorry Cooper is upset.”

  “Are you?” Bailey said, eyeballing me. “What’s your problem anyway? Don’t you want nice things? Are you stupid? Cooper has money and one day he’ll take over for my pop and have more money. He’s hot and smart and the responsible one. Hell, if he wasn’t my brother, I’d date Crapface in a minute. Every girl in school would like him to go all hearts and flowers over them, but not you. You think you’re too good. Like you could do better. Is that what you think, Farah? That you can win over someone better than Coop when you dress like a trailer trash reject?”

  Glancing down at my clothes, I thought they looked just like everyone else’s. Jeans and a tee, nothing special, but not trashy.

  “Let’s be honest, bitch,” Bailey said, really hitting her groove. “The only reason any guy likes you is cause of those lips. You have dead eyes, shitty hair, a weird round head, and small tits. You’re nothing special except that they look at you and think of blowjobs. You might want to keep that in mind when you think of discarding my brother.”

  “I make Cooper mad a lot,” I said, hoping to give her an excuse that wouldn’t lead to her punching me in the face. “I thought he’d be happier if I gave him space.”

  “You’re so dense. So stupid and poor. You have a rich guy interested and you want away from him. Look at Maddy. You think she couldn’t tell the difference between her birth control pills and fucking Tic Tacs? She figured out what Fuckwad was up to and saw a lifetime of money and security. She let him knock her up because even if they break up, their kid will tie Maddy to Tuck forever. His kid won’t want for nothing so neither will she. Maddy might be a poor turd like you, but she’s not stupid. Maybe you need to pull your head out of your ass and start thinking about how to make things right with Cooper? Like how many blowjobs will make him forgive you for being such a bitch?”

  “Okay,” I said quietly.

  “Okay,” Bailey mocked before walking away.