New York, Actually

by Sarah Morgan

  Fliss sighed. “Molly was having a really bad day. She was all freaked out that people would be talking about her again, and if you’ve looked online you’ll know that wasn’t a picnic last time, and then suddenly in the middle of all that emotional crap you tell her you love her. She was already set to panic stations and you sent her into meltdown. It’s like everything going wrong at once. And she’s a kind person. She probably hated hurting you.”

  “You’re saying that if I’d waited, she might have given me a different answer?”

  “I don’t know! Maybe.”

  “I need to talk to her again.”

  “Not yet,” Harriet intervened. “You need to give her space, Daniel.”

  “Yes. Give her space. Good plan. Maybe you should spend a month in Texas. Then you can’t be tempted to drop around and see her.” Fliss stood up and started clearing the living room. She stacked magazines that were already neat and straightened a plant that didn’t need straightening. “This is tough for you to handle. The first time you fall in love with a woman, and she doesn’t love you back. That’s got to hurt.”

  “She loves me.” He ignored the internal voice that suggested he might have got that part wrong.

  “What? I thought you said—”

  “She loves me. That isn’t the problem.” At least, he hoped it wasn’t. He hoped he was right about that part.

  “Well, if she loves you, why did she throw you out of the apartment?” Fliss slammed a stack of books down on the table. “I don’t want to dent your confidence or your ego, Daniel, but why would she tell you she doesn’t love you if she didn’t mean it?”

  “Because she doesn’t know. She doesn’t recognize it. She’s convinced herself she can’t fall in love, that something is missing inside her. And she’s so scared of not being able to feel the way she thinks she’s supposed to feel, she doesn’t want to recognize it. That’s my problem. How do I make her see she’s in love with me?”

  Fliss shook her head. “Solving that problem is way beyond my pay grade.” She picked up a plant and Harriet shot off the sofa and took it from her hands.

  “Don’t take your stress out on my plants. They’ve taken enough punishment lately.” She placed it carefully back on the windowsill, positioning it so that it had exactly the right amount of light. Then she turned back to her brother. “If you’re right, and she is in love with you, then that’s good, isn’t it?”

  “No. It isn’t good. Falling in love is the thing she is most scared of. For some people it’s heights, for others it’s the dark—”

  “For me it’s ex-husbands who show up in my town,” Fliss said darkly but for once Daniel couldn’t focus on anyone’s problem but his own.

  “Maybe it would be easier to handle if she didn’t love me. I could have accepted that.”

  “Are you sure? Because accepting things isn’t really in your nature. Generally you try and change things you don’t like.”

  “That’s true, but I wouldn’t have tried to change this. I would have respected her decision.”

  Harriet frowned. “You still have to respect her decision, Daniel.”

  “I know, but it’s the wrong decision, made for the wrong reasons. That’s what makes it all so difficult to handle.”

  And he wasn’t handling it. Right now, he wasn’t handling it at all. He didn’t need to see the way his sisters were looking at him to know that.

  “I never thought I’d fall in love. I never thought I’d feel this way, but now I do and not being able to act on those feelings is—” he ran his hand over his jaw “—hard.”

  “I still think you need to give her space,” Harriet said.

  “I agree. Stay away from her,” Fliss said. “Maybe she’ll miss you or something. Maybe she’ll call. Not that she has any chance of reaching you, because you’re always on the phone.”

  Daniel surreptitiously checked his phone but it was depressingly silent. It was the first time in his life he’d been desperate for a woman to call.

  “How long should I wait to call her? Five hours? Five days? A week?” He wasn’t sure he could make it through a week. And it wasn’t just his own emotions that were torturing him, it was hers. Was she really panicking? The thought that he’d upset her was as hard to deal with as his own issues.

  What was she doing now? Was she on her own in the apartment? Had she gone to talk to Mark and Gabe? Was she walking Valentine?

  “Sit down, Daniel.” Harriet spoke calmly. “Let’s work this through and come up with a plan.”

  “Plan? Isn’t that a bit ambitious?” Fliss looked at her sister. “Let’s be honest, the only person around here who knows anything at all about relationships is Molly. Which kind of makes the whole thing awkward. Maybe we should call her and ask her to come over and help fix this.” She pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose and then let her hand drop, triumphant. “Okay, I’ve got it. You write to her.”

  Daniel looked at her blankly. “What?”

  “She’s used to analyzing emotional problems that are written down. Everyone else writes to her. You should do the same.”

  “I have never had to ask for advice on my love life before.”

  “Yeah, well, you’ve never been in love before.” Fliss shrugged. “If it bothers you, use a fake name or something. You could be ‘Clueless.’ I mean that’s pretty accurate in the circumstances. Or you could be—”

  “I get the picture.” Daniel paced again, and one of Harriet’s kittens that had wandered away from the sofa sprinted to safety. “I don’t know what else to say to her.”

  “You always know what to say. People pay tons of money precisely because you know what to say and how to get them the best outcome.”

  “This isn’t a court of law.”

  “But you’re fighting for the best outcome. The difference is that this time it’s for yourself.”

  “I’m finding it a little hard to stay objective.”

  “Yeah, I’m getting that,” Fliss said, eyeing him, “and so is our rug. If you wear it out, you’re going to have to buy us a new one.”

  “Enough!” Harriet vanished to the kitchen and emerged with cookies and cans of soda. “If we’re going to make a plan, we need sustenance.”

  Fliss took a cookie and bit into it savagely.

  Harriet glanced at her twin. “I don’t understand why you’re so angry. This isn’t even your problem.”

  “I’m not angry.” Fliss let out her breath in a little huff. “All right, maybe I’m a little angry.”

  Daniel stopped pacing. “Why?”

  Fliss glared at him. “Because you’re my brother and I don’t like seeing you hurt! And don’t say it’s not our problem because it is our problem. We’re a family.”

  Harriet’s eyes misted. “Fliss—”

  “What? Don’t read anything into it. I still think you’re annoying,” she addressed Daniel, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t want things to work out for you.”

  The phone rang and Harriet answered it, her expression turning from serene to anxious. “He did?” She paused, listening. “Where did you last see him?… Yes, you’re right, that is close to the road… You tried looking?… I’ll come now.” She ended the call and reached for her keys. “I have to go out. I’ll be back soon.”

  “Where are you going? Who was it?”

  “It was the family who have Brutus.” Harriet glanced nervously at Daniel, clearly reluctant to give more bad news. “They let him off the lead in the park and he didn’t come back. They don’t know where he is.”

  * * *

  Molly rapped on Gabe and Mark’s door.

  When Mark opened the door, she walked into the apartment without waiting to be invited. “It’s over.”

  “What’s over?” Mark looked alarmed. “Everything looked fine last time I looked. You were swamped with supportive comments on your site. People are impressed at how you picked yourself up again when your life crashed. They’re saying you’re an inspiration. An—”
r />   “Not my career. My relationship. I ended it.”

  Mark closed the door. “In that case we need to talk. Where’s Valentine?”

  “I left him in the apartment. He was getting upset seeing me upset. And I stepped on his paw. Twice. And talking would be great, but do not give me champagne. Bad things happen when I drink champagne.” She saw Mark’s drawings scattered across the table. “Did Gabe go to work today?”

  “Yes. Emergency client meeting.”

  “And I kept you both up most of the night. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. That’s what friends are for.”

  “Don’t make me cry. I’ve had no sleep, so it’s not going to take much.”

  “I’m not going to make you cry.” He pushed her gently onto the sofa. “We didn’t leave you until three in the morning. I assumed Daniel would stay.”

  “He would have stayed. But I told him to go.”

  “Why?”

  “Because that’s what I do when someone tells me they love me. And as usual I feel completely horrible about it.”

  “He told you he loved you? He said those words? You didn’t misunderstand him?”

  “Unfortunately, no.”

  “Why unfortunately? You told me this was the best relationship you’ve ever had.”

  “It is. It was. But that was because he said he wasn’t capable of falling in love. For the first time in my life I felt completely free and safe. We had so much fun.”

  Mark leaned against the table. “So it was good, but you’ve ended it.”

  “What choice did I have? He told me he loved me. It’s not going to be safe and fun anymore. It’s going to get deeper and more complicated. I never wanted that! He’s never fallen in love before. Why did he have to pick me as the exception to that rule? It’s so unfair.” She saw the corner of Mark’s mouth twitch. “Are you laughing?”

  “Molly, you have to appreciate the irony. I don’t know the guy that well, but I’m guessing there are plenty of women who would have done anything to hear him say those words.”

  “Which makes me feel a thousand times worse because it’s wasted on me.”

  With a sigh, Mark sat down next to her and put his arm around her. “You’re not abnormal. If you don’t love him, that’s okay. Daniel is going to understand. He’s not Rupert.”

  She leaned her head on his shoulder. “I know he’s not Rupert. For a start, I told him far more than I ever told Rupert.” She’d told him far more than she’d ever told anyone. And telling him, sharing, had brought a new level of closeness to their relationship. When someone knew something about you that no one else did it was like giving them a key to a locked door. They had access. They knew what was inside. She’d let him in, and now she had to find a way to get the key back from him. “You know the stupidest thing? He had this crazy idea that I was in love with him, too! Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous?”

  Mark took his time answering. “Is that ridiculous?”

  “Of course it’s ridiculous. I’ve never fallen in love and you have no idea how hard I’ve tried. I’m not in love with him, Mark.”

  “I heard you. You’re not in love with him.”

  She shifted so that she could look at him. “You sound as if you’re humoring me.”

  “I’m not humoring you.”

  “You’re humoring me, and I don’t get it. I mean it’s true we had a good time, and yes I told him a lot of things. Things I haven’t told anyone before. But that’s because he’s easy to talk to. Not because I’m in love.”

  “Right.”

  “And it’s also true he has qualities I admire greatly. For example, I liked the fact that he was strong. I don’t mean physically, although his shoulders are like something from a superhero movie, I mean emotionally. When Valentine was sick and I was falling apart, he was so calm. Steady.”

  “He was calm and steady last night, too.”

  “Exactly. Calm and steady. And he didn’t care that Valentine was sick on his favorite suit. And I like the fact that he knows all the best restaurants in Manhattan but he’s equally happy to eat pizza out of the box.”

  “Can’t beat pizza out of the box.”

  “Then there’s the fact that I have hormones and he’s sexy!” She shrugged, dismissing it. “But that’s sex, right? Not love.”

  “Totally sex. Nothing else.”

  “And of course it would never have worked, because he’s not a dog person.”

  “True. He’s not a dog person.” Mark carefully removed a piece of fluff from his jeans. “Although he was good with Valentine.”

  “Yes, but he’s generally good in a crisis. I guess that’s to do with his training. He’s used to handling things.”

  “And he walked Brutus—”

  “He did that to meet me.”

  “But after he met you he still walked Brutus.”

  “The dog is friends with Valentine. That’s all it was.”

  “Sure. Of course, I’m sure you’re right.” Mark paused. “So that’s it then?”

  “That’s it.” Her mouth was dry. “All my life I’ve felt as if I wasn’t enough. I grew up knowing that, that whatever I was, it wasn’t enough to stop my mother leaving. Then my professional life fell apart because I wasn’t enough there either. I live with this fear that people will judge me and find me lacking. Everything I have here—my work, my friendships—it all still feels fragile.”

  “And Daniel didn’t understand that?”

  “Oh no, he understood perfectly. In fact he said—” she snatched a breath “—he said I was enough for him.”

  Mark stared at her. “Wow.” His voice cracked. “Well… that’s—”

  “Unrealistic?”

  “I was going to say it’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “You think so?”

  “He’s telling you he loves you, Molly. You. The real you. He doesn’t want anyone different, and he doesn’t want you to be different. You’re the relationship expert, not me, but isn’t that the goal? Isn’t that what we all want? To meet someone who will love us as we truly are? No pseudonyms, no online personas, no hiding and no fakery. Just honesty.” He swallowed. “If you were Aggie, advising someone on this situation, what would you say?”

  She tried to find objectivity in the swirl of emotions. “I’d say they were lucky to have met someone who felt that way. I’d say that finding someone who truly knows you, and loves you for who you are, is a rare gift in today’s world. I’d advise them to think hard before turning down something so special.” She stared at him, heart pounding. “But I’ve thought hard. I’ve thought really hard. And I feel guilty that I can’t return his feelings, but I can’t. And I told him to go, and he’s gone.”

  “Well, then, you have nothing to worry about.” Mark patted her leg and stood up. “You’ve got the outcome you wanted. You should be happy.”

  Happy? She’d never felt more miserable in her life. “I’ve hurt him.”

  “He’ll get over it. Daniel Knight is a catch, Molly. His heart will mend, he’ll meet someone else, get married, have a million babies and be fine.” His words punched the air from her lungs.

  “You think he’ll have a million babies?”

  “Not literally. It was a figure of speech. I’m telling you he’ll be okay. He’ll find someone else. And in the meantime, your reputation is intact and you will go on to do great things with your career. So in the end, everyone lives happily-ever-after.”

  This was happily-ever-after? It felt as if someone had gouged out her insides with a sharp object.

  But Mark was right, wasn’t he? Daniel would get over her. He’d meet someone else, and they’d get married and have lots of babies and they’d never get divorced because Daniel wouldn’t marry someone unless he was sure—

  “I don’t feel too good.” She pressed her fingers to her forehead, her breathing rapid. “Light-headed. Weird.”

  “Lack of sleep. Lack of food. I’ll get you something.” He head
ed for the kitchen and brought her a glass of water.

  “I feel dizzy. I think I might faint.”

  “Damn it, Molly.” Mark put his hand behind her neck and pushed her head down. “You’re the same color as mozzarella. And you’re hyperventilating. I’m no good at first aid. Do not faint. Do I call Gabe or 911?”

  “Neither.” She closed her eyes and slowed her breathing and finally her head stopped spinning. “You’re right. This is just because I haven’t eaten. That’s all it is.”

  “Except that we all ate pizza at two in the morning. So it can’t be that.” He put the water down next to her.

  “Lack of sleep, then.”

  “Possibly, except that it came on when I told you Daniel would get over you and meet someone else.”

  “Relief, then. Eventually I can stop feeling guilty.”

  Mark sat down next to her. “Are you sure that’s what it is?”

  No. No, she wasn’t sure. “Maybe I’m getting sick. There are always bugs going around, aren’t there?”

  Mark hesitated. “Or maybe you feel this way because you’ve finally worked out that he’s right. You love him.”

  “He can’t be right. Think of all the times I tried to make that happen and it didn’t.”

  “Maybe this time it has happened because you weren’t trying. Instead of focusing on your feelings, you were focusing on him. On having fun.”

  There was a buzzing in her ears.

  She still felt dizzy.

  She kept thinking of Daniel laughing with someone else. Sharing everything with someone else. The thought didn’t bring her relief. It made her feel sick. It made her feel—

  “I’m in love.” She shot to her feet, her heart racing. “You’re right, I’m in love. All these years I’ve thought there was something wrong with me, that there was something missing, and it turns out that the only thing missing was the right man. Daniel.” She broke off as Mark grabbed a handful of tissues and shoved them at her. “What are those for?”

  “You’re crying.”

  Was she? Yes, she was crying. Her cheeks were wet. How could she be crying when she was happy?

  “I love him, Mark.”