“No, it doesn’t. She’s the only one who ever said she wanted something other than Finn.”
“That’s not true.”
He studied me hard, another one of those seconds that loomed into the eternal. “You never wanted Finn at all. She said she wanted both.”
I decided then that words should be licensed the same as firearms because they were just as deadly.
“I’m going to grab that shower now.” I fled from him, from the accusation, from the possibility that it might be true.
He didn’t stop me, but a few moments later with the hot water running over my body, I heard the door creak open.
“I don’t want April,” he said quietly.
With the curtain between us, it was easier to speak, I felt protected. Which was dumb, it was just a stupid piece of plastic. “It’s okay if you do. What happened—” I tried not to choke on the words “—it can just be something that happened. Something we tried together. It doesn’t have to change us.”
“We’re already changed and I can’t pretend we aren’t. I don’t want to pretend we aren’t.”
“Me either.” I leaned back under the water, the heat comforting. “But I don’t want to lose you either. I don’t want you to feel…” I inhaled deeply, searching for the right words. Or maybe it was just the strength to say the right words. “I don’t want you to feel like because you live here, if you don’t give me what I want, that you’ll lose anything.”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t have to fuck me to live here. Or to still be my friend.” I inhaled again, as if that would fortify me. “Or for me to love you. I’ll always love you, Kieran. Always.”
“I’ve wanted you since the moment we met.”
I peeked out from behind the curtain. I had to see the expression on his face. I needed to reassure myself he was telling the truth.
“Then why didn’t you say so?”
“Because I wanted to keep something in my life that wasn’t tainted by my dick.” He looked so haunted then it almost broke my heart.
“Why do you do the job that you do if you think your dick taints everything?” Water dripped down my cheek and he smoothed it away with the pad of his thumb.
“Because it’s what I’m good at.”
“You’re good at a lot of things. The way you suped up your car with your own hands? Not everyone can do that.”
“Bollocks. That’s a simple thing, lass.”
“For you. Not for everyone.” I ducked back behind the curtain and finished washing my hair.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he said after a while. “With Brant I mean. I really thought you’d be good together.”
“We are,” I admitted. “But I’ve always been in love with you.”
“Part of me wonders if it’s fair that we have to hurt all our friends to be together.”
I swallowed hard, dreading what he would say next. That it was all over. This was a fluke. We shouldn’t have done it.
“But then I realize fuck them. It’s not our fault if we’re in love. It happened. They can either be happy for us or fuck off.”
Could it be that simple? Did I want it to be? Was I ready to give up all of my friendships just to be with Kieran? A few weeks ago, I would have said yes.
Who was I kidding? Of course I’d say yes. I’d wanted him for so long and now he was mine. I wasn’t going to throw away everything I’d ever wanted with both hands. I didn’t want to hurt Brant, I didn’t want to hurt April, but it was okay for me to be happy, right? I’d lived a long time worrying about making other people happy, worrying about what other people thought. It was time for me.
“Right. They can all fuck off. We have each other.”
“That’s my girl.” He pulled the curtain back and I squealed, but he tugged me against him anyway and kissed me hard.
His kiss convinced me everything would be okay.
“Oh my god, I’m so sore. I can’t do this again,” I giggled. It was a good sore though, it was something I could get used to.
“That’s good lass, because I don’t think I can do it again. At least not for another hour.” He grinned.
I clenched my thighs, thinking of it. If he wanted me again even if it hurt, I’d let him. “Actually, I need to go to the store.”
“What? Why? We don’t have anywhere we have to be. I just want to stay in your bed. Until tomorrow. Then we can stay in my bed.”
I laughed. “We had sex without a condom.”
“Aren’t you on something?” he questioned.
“No.”
His eyes widened. “Why the fuck not?”
“It makes me sick.”
“Oh Jaysus.”
“No, it’s fine. Don’t lose your shit. I’ll just get the morning after pill. It’ll be fine.” The water was starting to get cold.
“It needs to be.”
His response pissed me off at first, but he looked so terrified, that I couldn’t stay angry. I mean, he could have gotten a condom. Brant never—I couldn’t start down that road. “Kieran,” I said his name to make him look at me, really look at me. “It will be. I promise.”
“I guess we need to talk.”
“I thought that was what we were doing?” I turned off the water. “Hand me a towel.”
I wrapped the towel around my body and one around my hair before stepping out on to the bathmat.
“There’s more I need to tell you. You may not want to be with me after.”
“Unless you kick puppies for fun, or you’re a serial killer, there’s nothing you can tell me that’s going to change my mind.” I realized that he needed as much reassurance as I did.
“Even if I said that I don’t want children? Not just not now, not ever.”
I considered. “I guess we should’ve had this talk before we started having sex.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I can’t say what I’ll want in the future, but right now, I don’t either. Now, I know that comes with being with you. I accept that.”
“Can you really?”
“Not all women want children. I wouldn’t want to just have them to have them. I’m in love with you, and that means all of you.”
“Even Finn?”
I bit my lip. “I guess even Finn.”
“You guess?” He raised a black brow. We were back in playful territory. Back where we were both comfortable.
“Well, you know, Kieran is better in bed than Finn.”
“When did you ever sleep with Finn?”
“Finn and Brant. After Brant left, then you were Kieran.”
“You do know me.”
“Was that in doubt?”
“I guess not.” He grinned. “So where do we have to go to get this thing?”
“Just to the pharmacy. I can go myself. It’s no big deal.” Except I really did want him to go with me. I was an adult, I could handle my reproductive choices alone if I had to, but I really wanted him to do it with me for some reason.
Maybe because I was still kind of irritated about the condom. I could have spoken up, I should have told them to wear them. That was on me, too. I couldn’t think about how many women either of them had been with or it would turn my stomach.
Which was completely hypocritical of me, but I couldn’t help how it made me feel. Although I could help how I reacted to it.
“I’ll go with you. Then we can get dinner.”
“Okay, let me get dressed.”
I thought about the takeout Brant had brought me sitting in its styrofoam container. I picked it up when I walked into the room and carried it out to the fridge.
He wasn’t going to call me.
He wasn’t coming back.
When he said he’d miss me, it wasn’t just tonight. That certainty clanged through my head like a bell.
There was a pang deep under my ribs that I couldn’t explain, so I didn’t think about it. Instead, I got dressed.
On the ride to the pharmacy, I enjoyed my newfound freedom to to
uch Kieran as I chose, to indulge my every urge to be close to him and it was an amazing feeling. I kissed down his neck, nipped at his ear, ran my hands over his thighs.
Who would’ve thought I’d have ended up here?
God, I loved him so much it hurt. If I’d thought being with Kieran was like a razorblade when I didn’t speak of it, it was sharper somehow now that I could. I was so afraid I’d wake up and this would all be a dream. I’d fallen asleep petting his hair last Saturday and I hadn’t woken up.
I inhaled the scent of him and he still smelled like sex—he smelled like us. It was like I’d marked him with it. I liked that.
He followed me in to the pharmacy after we’d parked and I headed straight back to the prescription counter. I’d never done this for myself before, but I’d brought April a few times.
“Plan B, please.”
The pharmacy tech looked at me for a moment. “ID please?”
I handed her my ID and she looked at the ID and at me. “Is everything on here correct?”
They’d never asked April that. I might have lied about my weight.
My guts roiled and twisted. “My weight has changed.”
She leaned toward me, at least making an attempt to be discreet. “Plan B might not be an effective option for you. It’s found to be unreliable for women over one-hundred and seventy-five pounds. I won’t tell you not to buy it, but if you’re worried you might be pregnant, watch your cycle closely.”
I turned to look at Kieran who obviously hadn’t heard her. He was tapping his foot to the elevator music and looking around the store like a kid waiting for his mom to be done shopping.
I nodded, but I said, “Thanks. I’ll take it anyway.”
She rang it up and I swiped my debit card.
Loaded up with the neatly stapled bag, I wondered if I should tell Kieran what the tech had told me. Then I thought about his earlier reaction. There was no reason to drive it into the ground.
It would give him peace of mind. If I ended up pregnant, well, I’d deal with it. I couldn’t even think about that now.
A small, nagging voice in the back of my head said that I could’ve told Brant about it. In fact, I wouldn’t have thought twice about telling him.
They were different men, I had to stop comparing them.
When we were out in the car, I said, “Let’s grab a pizza. I don’t want to take this on an empty stomach.”
“You got it, baby.”
It occurred to me that he didn’t bother to buy any condoms.
12
It was both familiar and strange waking up in bed with Kieran.
I still wondered if I was dreaming.
But the pounding on the door that slammed through my head didn’t seem to be a dream at all.
“Fucking hell, someone better be dead.” Kieran rolled over and dragged me beneath the covers with him. I’d have been content to curl in his arms and go back to sleep if only the pounding would stop.
He growled and slid out of bed.
He was naked.
“Are you going to get dressed?”
“No. They deserve the wrath of my manhood if they can’t wait until a decent hour.”
I looked at the clock on the table. It was noon. I couldn’t believe I’d slept so long. I started to get up.
“Lass, if you budge just one centimeter off that bed, whoever is at the door is going to die a slow death. I have plans for you today.” He winked at me.
I got off the bed anyway. I wanted to see who was at the door.
Kieran opened the door, giving me a view of his gorgeous, tight ass and our visitor, whoever they were, a view of his…
I recognized her voice. She’d been one of many of the pussy parade as I’d come to call it.
The nasty voice in my head said I could now join their club.
It was cordially invited to shut up. This was my house, and my Kieran.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” she said. “You weren’t at the club last night and you promised you’d be there for my bachelorette party.”
I was torn between telling him to make good on his promise somehow because it was bad for business if he didn’t. I couldn’t let him screw up at work just because we were together. He said this was what he loved doing and I wouldn’t screw up Chubbalicious for him—or anyone for that matter.
But me in girlfriend mode wanted to rip that girl’s eyes out of her head and stomp them into Jell-O. I reminded myself that this was part of dating Kieran. This would have been part of dating Brant, too.
“Something came up.”
She gave him a once over, looking him up and down. “I can see that it did.” I heard her giggle. “And it’s still up.”
Kieran laughed and the sound grated on my nerves.
“Do you need some help with that?”
“I thought I was supposed to dance for your bachelorette party?”
“You were.”
“How does your husband-to-be feel about your fucking other men?” Kieran asked in a soft voice.
“The same way I feel about him fucking his secretary.”
“Are you sure you should be marrying him?”
“I’m sure I should still be fucking you.”
“I’m seeing someone.”
The woman laughed. “So who is the paragon of femininity that finally caught you, Finn? She must be a supermodel.”
I looked down at myself. Hardly. I waited with baited breath to see what he’d say, what he’d do. I think I half expected him to go outside and bang her in his car and come back inside like nothing had ever happened. Or he’d tell her to wait for him because he’d had a brain tumor for dinner and hooked up with his homely roommate…
“Most beautiful woman in the world.”
I snorted and almost choked on my own spit, but it sounded like he meant it.
“If things don’t work out, you have my number.”
I debated jumping back into the bed, but I didn’t want to hide that I’d been listening. Hiding things was never a good way to start a relationship.
When he came back to the bedroom, he said, “What did I say, woman?”
I laughed. “Most beautiful woman in the world, huh?”
“Aye.”
“What have I told you about getting cute?”
“And what’ve I told you? I’m already cute.” He winked and snatched me up in his arms as if I weighed nothing.
I curled my arm around his neck. “I could get used to this.”
“I’ll carry you around all day if you want.”
“Yes, that’s what we’ll do. When Chubbalicious is a success, you’ll be my cabana boy/bodyguard.”
“If that’s what you want.”
Everything I felt with him was a double-edged sword. Initially, the idea of him being all mine all the time thrilled me. But then I wondered what he wanted out of life, what he was passionate about. He had to be passionate about something besides putting his dick in me. Not that the idea wasn’t great for my self-esteem, but he was a person, a whole entity who existed outside of our relationship matrix.
Jesus. Why did I have to pick everything apart? Why couldn’t I just be happy?
“What about you? What do you want?” I asked him.
“To spend the day in bed with you.”
He was being purposefully obtuse. “As lovely as that sounds, I do have to work today.”
“No, you don’t. Not unless you’re working me.”
“I still have a few things to get done before the launch.”
“I guess I’ll just have to persuade you.” He laughed. “I need you this morning. At least twice.”
“You’re kind of a high-maintenance boyfriend,” I teased, but allowed him to carry me to the bathroom.
“You have no idea, but we’ll compromise this morning.”
He wasn’t kidding.
After a leisurely shower and two bouts of sex, I was fairly certain I wasn’t going to be able to sit comfortably for a we
ek. Everything hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt. The kind that with every step I took, every twinge of discomfort, I remembered what I’d done to put myself in that kind of state.
As I made us breakfast, I kept sneaking glances at him out of the corner of my eye, once again wondering how I’d gotten this lucky.
“If you keep looking at me like that, I’ll have you flat on your back again in about five seconds.”
“Oh my god, how can you go again? I really might die.”
He laughed. “I’m addicted to you, what can I say?”
I blushed and plated our food.
For such a big guy, he moved quickly. His hands were on my hips and he nuzzled my neck. “How did I get so lucky?”
For the first time, I’d gotten something I wanted. I’d had to give up some things to have it, but it was mine. Kieran was all I needed.
I didn’t flinch when he ran his hands down over my belly, he’d seen me naked a lot and he still wanted to touch me, still wanted to be with me. Maybe this was real. Maybe all the stuff I’d been telling myself was true and it was the little voice inside my head that was the damn dirty liar.
“Since you’re working today, I thought I’d go in to work tonight to make up for last night.” He watched me like he thought I was a ticking bomb.
What was I going to say? I knew what he did for a living. So I smiled. “I’m glad you stayed with me yesterday. I don’t know that we’d be at this point—together—if you hadn’t. But I get it. You have to work. We both have to live in the real world, too.”
The tension leached out of him. “Thank Jaysus.” He kissed the top of my head. “I’m glad the girlfriend hat didn’t turn you into some needy freak.”
“Did you think it would?” I guess that still remained to be seen. I don’t know why it was okay in my head for Brant to still work there when he was seeing me, but Kieran… It twisted me up.
That stupid voice was back—God, I was such a fucking psycho. But that voice said that it was because Kieran couldn’t be trusted. A man didn’t simply stop fucking a new woman every night. It takes thirty days to form a habit or break one and he’d been doing this for years.
“I think we should establish some boundaries if this is going to work. What’s okay, what’s not.”
Hearts on Fire: Romance Multi-Author Box Set Anthology Page 68