And it would be naïve of me not to think of the fallout. It would feel good until after, until we had to examine our emotions.
“The one where everyone wins. Strip for me,” he commanded in a stern voice.
Honestly, I’d rather just give him the BJ fully clothed. “I don’t—”
“I want to see you. If you don’t trust me to look at you, how can you trust me to fuck you? You’re beautiful. Show me.” His tone was gentler now.
I’d decided I wanted to do this for him. I wanted to please him, and this was what he’d asked of me. He wanted me to strip for him.
And for some reason, I wanted to cry.
No, not some reason. A million reasons. All the sniping little comments that played in my head on repeat. I didn’t want to be bare in front of him, my body exposed—all of my fat out there for him to see.
It was stupid. It wasn’t like there was anything there that wasn’t in the dark. I knew that. He’d seen me naked before. His dick was still hard. He still wanted me.
But I didn’t want myself.
So I didn’t understand how he could want me.
“You let me finger you until you came on a public boat tour, but you won’t strip for me in your room where no one but me can see you?”
“I… can’t.” I almost choked on the words. I guess the fallout had already started. I couldn’t stop thinking long enough to feel.
He pulled me to my feet, slid his hands up my thighs and up my shirt to cup my breasts and then back down to my waist where he undid the snap on my jeans.
“Take it off for me, baby.” Brant tugged them down my legs and I stepped out of them.
When his hands were on me, it was different somehow. When he was taking my clothes off, it was okay. But if I had to do it, I felt like an ugly bug under a microscope. He unsnapped my bra with a quick motion.
“You’re so beautiful. Won’t you let me look at you?”
It might have been the pleading in his voice, I don’t know. But I took off my shirt and shrugged my bra to the floor. I wanted to close my eyes so I couldn’t see him looking at me.
I didn’t have to acknowledge my own flesh.
He drew my hand down to his cock. “Feel what you do to me. How much I want you.”
I sank to my knees again, both to taste him and to hide.
He traced his thumb over my cheek and it was somehow more intimate than all the rest of it.
Something warm surged in my chest—I didn’t want to name it. It was too much, too soon.
His attention was suddenly on the door, and the shadow filling the space between the door and frame where it had drifted open.
My gaze followed his in this awful slow motion that reminded me of horror films where the audience screamed at the screen. I didn’t need any sort of confirmation to know that it was Kieran. Shame burned my face and my eyes watered. I wondered what he’d seen. What he’d heard.
How long had he been standing there?
I was frozen in place, bile rising in my throat.
“Do you want him to come in?” Brant asked softly.
“Please don’t toy with me.” That’s all this could be, some kind of fucked up bet. Something for them to laugh about later. Only, I knew Keiran wouldn’t do that to me, and Brant had been so kind, so…perfect.
“Look at me.”
I raised my chin to look into his eyes and I didn’t need him to say anything else. I could see his sincerity, his lust.
So I nodded. God help me, I nodded.
The door creaked open wider and I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t face Kieran. This still wasn’t real to me. Not even when another set of hands stroked down my spine and grabbed my hips.
Not even when they worked between my legs.
I focused on Brant, on taking him higher. I couldn’t think about Kieran, that it was his hands touching me, pushing inside of me. That he was here, with us. But Brant wouldn’t let me get away with that.
He stopped me and lifted my chin. I knew what he wanted me to do without him saying a word. He wanted me to turn, acknowledge Kieran. Touch him. Let him touch me.
He wanted to watch us.
It seemed a little twisted—not that he wanted to watch me with another man, but that it was a man I had feelings for. A man he knew I was in love with.
I turned to face Kieran, and seeing him drove this all home for me. This was actually happening.
This wasn’t anything like how I’d imagined being with Kieran. There was no drunken revelry that had brought us here, no accidental touching, or unintended intimacies. There hadn’t even been some friendly cuddling that had morphed into a passionate makeout session.
He was here to fuck me. Not to love me, not to solidify any bond—it was pure fucking. He didn’t wait for me to peel his clothes off, he was already naked. Only I didn’t know if he was Kieran or Finn McCool.
In the moment, I didn’t care.
I could have him.
I swallowed hard and reached out to push that lock of hair away from his forehead. His lashes fluttered down as his eyes closed and he leaned into the caress. But it was like that shattered some wall because when his eyes opened, he jerked me against him hard and kissed me like it was my punishment rather than my reward.
He was so big everywhere. His hands, his shoulders, the sheer breadth of him. Kieran made me feel small, delicate.
He still tasted of sweet mints, but I didn’t care. He wasn’t with April, he was here with me. It was my body he touched, my thigh his erection was pressed against. Me. He wanted me.
Elation soared on wax wings, but I couldn’t let myself think anymore. If I did, in two minutes, I’d run from the room embarrassed and ashamed. Ashamed at what I wanted, ashamed knowing they’d both seen me naked when I didn’t even want to see myself naked… so much bullshit wrapped up in a ragged little ribbon.
I wanted to be done with that.
I wanted to be this version of me. The version that took people at their word, the version that thought she deserved to be treated well, that found beauty in her own body and could believe that others did too.
He picked me up easily and perched me on the bed and that’s when Brant took over. I could tell that they had done this with other women before. I thought that would make me jealous, but it didn’t. I liked that it wasn’t awkward, or—I’d always imagined that in a threesome that choreography would be difficult. It’d be like blocking a play or shooting a porno. Not that I’d ever done a porno—obviously.
Brant shifted me to his lap into a position like reverse cowgirl, only his thighs were spread wide. I thought for a moment I’d fall, but Kieran took my hands so I could balance myself against his shoulders.
I shifted against Brant and the burn inside me flared—I rolled my hips until he was inside me. Brant’s hands were on my breasts, Kieran’s on my hips. He moved me, guided me, then he kissed me again.
“How many times can we make you come, Claire?” Kieran whispered against my mouth and moved his fingers to my clit, all the while, Brant was still thrusting up into me.
“Try and find out.” I couldn’t believe that was me. I sounded like some sex goddess. In all honesty, this all still seemed so unreal.
“I think that’s a challenge,” Brant said. He picked me up as easily as Kieran had and moved me until I was flat on my back and he loomed over me. Kieran pulled me close to the edge of the bed and hooked my legs over his shoulders.
“Aye, it is.” His accent was thick now and I shivered. “So it does work on you, lass? Want to see what else I can do with my tongue?” He dipped his head.
The logical part of my brain assumed I was dead and this was heaven and it was the dreamer that told me this could happen to me. This was my life. I was done being a passive ghost in my own fantasy.
“Straddle me,” I demanded from Brant.
He obliged, his powerful thighs caging me and I took his cock in my mouth, determined now more than ever to give him the pleasure he’d given me.
“Jesus, Claire.” Brant growled low in his throat.
It was hard to concentrate with Kieran’s tongue proving that he was one of the most gifted of men, but if I hadn’t had Brant to focus on, I already would’ve dissolved into bliss. There was so much sensation, I didn’t know what to feel or how to distill it down to one thing. Brant pulled away just as my climax hit me and I didn’t protest, all I could do was whimper and let the waves carry me where they would.
Kieran’s fingers dug into my thighs and I knew I’d have bruises the next day, and I kind of wanted them. I wanted to remember this had actually happened.
Kieran was up on the bed with us and I was pressed between them. Suddenly, it occurred to me that there were two of them and one me. That meant if we were all going to be pleasured someone would have to—I opened my mouth to speak and Kieran kissed me, silencing my protests.
His hands, Brant’s hands, they moved over my skin, teasing and taunting, driving my desire that had been so recently quenched back to a frenzied pitch.
I twisted my head away from Kieran and his kiss to Brant. He kissed me too, but it was softer, sweeter. He moved to the corner of my mouth, to my cheek, then to the shell of my ear where he whispered, “Trust me.”
If anyone else had said that, I would have called bullshit. But I did trust him.
“If it’s uncomfortable, or you don’t like it, I’ll stop. I won’t hurt you.”
I believed him. Even when he twisted away and pulled out a small bottle of lube from my nightstand that I hadn’t put there. He’d planned this, but I knew if I told him I didn’t want to do this, he’d stop.
The truth was that I did want to do it.
Kieran turned me back to him and pulled my leg up high on his hip so that I was spread for them both. Brant kissed my neck, and his hand slid down over my belly and between Kieran and I to rub my clit.
We all moved together in unexpected synchronicity, writhing and seeking more friction. Kieran wasn’t shy about demanding all of my attention, and whenever I’d try to turn to kiss Brant, he’d turn me back to him.
When Kieran pushed into me, I’d expected a symphony or something. But it wasn’t special, there wasn’t any connection. It felt good, of course, he knew what he was doing. It just wasn’t…how I fantasized. Maybe that was the problem, I’d fantasized about him for too long for the reality to ever measure up.
I concentrated on the sensation, on what it was like to feel so worshipped and beautiful. Brant was ever so careful with me, teasing me and driving my arousal as high as he could before he eased against my opening. I stiffened, but Brant’s voice in my ear soothed me.
“Remember, I won’t hurt you. Only pleasure, sweetheart.”
His fingers kept teasing me, keeping me just at the edge, but knowing somehow when I was about to careen over the ledge. He was oh-so careful and when he was inside me too, I was almost afraid to feel it. Afraid that it would go from pleasant to pain, but it didn’t.
I was so full, so stretched, and I wasn’t sure if I was dying or being reborn. Maybe both. I wanted it to last forever, but I wanted it to be over too. I needed to see the end of the spiral, I was falling too fast and I wanted to land somewhere good.
Kieran leaned over my shoulder. “Let her come.”
We were a tangle of limbs, sweat, and bliss when I was finally launched over the edge. I was aware of nothing but starbursts and earthquakes.
I lay there, shuddering as I fell back into myself and Brant was already up and getting dressed.
“Where you going?” I mumbled, my lips numb. In fact, my whole face was numb, my fingertips and toes were tingling.
“I’ve still got to go to work.” He kissed my cheek and looked at me for a long moment. “I’ll miss you, Claire.”
“I’ll miss you, too.” I didn’t want him to go.
“Will you miss me too, Brant?” Kieran raised a brow and a self-satisfied grin spread across his face.
“No, jackass. You have to work, too. Remember?”
Kieran shrugged. “Fuck it. I’m staying right here.”
“You can come back over after work,” I offered.
“I’ll call you.” He kissed me again and got out of there like my face was on fire.
The part of me that wanted to be naïve wondered what was wrong with him, but deep down I knew. He didn’t want to come back to go to bed with Kieran and I, he wanted to be with me. Kieran was supposed to be disposable and Brant entered in to this knowing that Kieran wasn’t a throwaway for me.
I’d just had the time of my life, but I wasn’t sure if the emotional fallout was worth it.
11
Alone with Kieran, I suddenly didn’t know how to act. This had been a one-off. We were still friends, but… right? I’d fucked Finn McCool, not Kieran.
Only earlier, he’d said they were one and the same.
Feeling uncomfortable and unsure, I needed a shower. Not only for emotional distance, but I was sticky everywhere.
I started to get up, but Kieran grabbed my hand.
“Don’t run away from me now.”
That’s what I was doing, running. That’s what I always did. It was safer.
“I just need a shower.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“I don’t think I’ll get very clean.”
“We’ll get clean and then dirty again.” Kieran pinned me on my back with one swift motion. “Or dirtier first.”
I didn’t have a chance to answer because my legs hooked around his waist and even though I felt rode hard and put away wet, I still arched up to meet him.
This time was different. This time, he touched my face like it was something precious to him. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d done this to April.
Fucking fuck fucker. Why couldn’t I just have this moment without thinking about her? Or what Kieran had done with her? What did it matter? He was here with me now. Not her. I won. I had what I wanted.
I looked into Kieran’s eyes and held his gaze through every thrust and this time, it was kind of like how I imagined it would be. How I wanted it to be.
“I love you.” His voice was a jagged whisper, almost like the confession was painful for him, razorblades on his tongue. He buried his face in my neck and I knew I was making love to Kieran Holt, not fucking Finn McCool.
This was what was mine. “I love you, too. I always have.”
He groaned against me, the words seeming to elicit something more in him than just the rhythmic thrusts of our lovemaking. His embrace tightened and in that moment, I had everything I ever wanted.
Except I felt like I’d betrayed Brant. His place in the bed next to us was still warm and the look on his face… when he said he’d call me, it seemed like a final goodbye.
But that didn’t make any sense. He’d set this up.
The same way Kieran had pushed me to go out with Brant.
I wasn’t in love with Brant. I was in love with Kieran.
So why did this feel suddenly wrong?
“Hey, come back to me,” Keiran said against my ear.
“I’m here.” I dug my nails into his shoulders, inhaled the familiar scent of him and focused on just how it felt to be there with him.
“Say you’re mine, Claire.”
“I’m yours. Always.”
He shuddered against me, spent. Kieran rested his head on my breast and I held him there for a long time. I knew if I moved, it would shatter the idyll. I’d have to start thinking about all the stuff I’d put on hold to have this experience.
I’d have to think about what it meant if he loved me.
He’d said it, but I realized I didn’t believe him. If he loved me, if he wanted me, why hadn’t he said something?
The same reason I hadn’t?
No. He’s only here because he thought he was going to lose you to Brant. He doesn’t want you, but he needs you.
My phone buzzed and thinking it was Brant, I stretched to reach it, but I dropped it.
; “Fuck ‘em. Whoever it is, they can fuck off,” Kieran grumbled.
“It might be important.”
“More important than what I’m about to do to you? Again?” He pounced on me when I squirmed away from him, but I shimmied to reach the phone on the floor and picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Claire?” It was April and I’d never heard her sound so… fragile.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“My dick,” Keiran answered and tried to wrestle the phone away from me.
“Stop it. Come on. It’s April.” I pushed at his shoulders and he froze.
“Is he…” April began, but didn’t finish her statement. Silence reigned for a moment that seemed to last forever.
I knew what she was asking and the mean girl in me was more than happy to tell her that I had what she wanted. Not because I wanted to hurt her, but because she always got everything. And for once, I got something she wanted. For once, I was good enough.
For once, it was about me.
“Yeah.” There was so much in that one word. It was a knife, it was a balm, it was the culmination of all my doubts, and all of hers. I changed everything with that word.
Apparently, Kieran thought so too. His face had gone ashen.
Maybe he really did want her instead.
“I can’t talk,” April choked and hung up the phone.
I looked at it dumbly, the piece of technology in my hand. I glanced back and forth between the phone and Kieran.
“I didn’t want to hurt her,” he said.
The mean girl in me raged. Who cared? If he didn’t care about hurting Brant, why should it matter how April felt? April didn’t care how anyone else felt. But the woman I wanted to be, the one who I was trying so hard to become, she just nodded. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
“I shouldn’t have invited her to breakfast. I should have kept everything the same. But I thought since we were friends… I knew this would happen. I warned her.”
“I did too, but that doesn’t change how shitty it feels, does it?” Even though those words were hollow, considering I was still doing a poisonous little cheer.
Hearts on Fire: Romance Multi-Author Box Set Anthology Page 67