While You Were Gone

by Amy K. Nichols

  They both rest their hands in their laps and bow their heads. Dad looks at me through his eyebrows and I snap my head down.

  He clears his throat. “Protect and guide us as we make our way in this world.”

  Mom adds, “Amen.” I mumble it, too, and watch them for the next move. We dish out food. Eat. And say nothing.

  Just when the guilt’s about to consume me, Dad slams his knife down. “I can’t believe you did that to your mother.”

  “Parker.”

  “No, Rebecca. This needs to be said.” He glares at me. “She waited for you all night. All night.”

  I stare down at my hands.

  “Where were you last night?” He waits. When I don’t answer, he lays into me, careful to keep his voice just under the music. “How many times do we have to go through this? They are watching you, son. Watching everything you do. You think you can just waltz around this city doing whatever you want? You think they don’t know?” He spits the words out in a whispered hiss. “All they need is one reason—just one—to come in here and take our lives apart. But that’s not even the worst of it. The worst part is what you did to this woman right here.” His anger falters as he points at Mom, his eyes still on me. She looks down at her lap. He inhales, nostrils flared. “How dare you treat her with such disrespect.”

  When Brent is mad, he gets this look in his eyes that says, If I could crush you, I would. The look in Dad’s—and Mom’s—isn’t like that, though. Angry? Yes. But also worried. And relieved. It kills me. I know how to fight, but this? I don’t know how to react.

  What if I just tell them everything? I think it through, plan it out in my head. I’m not your son. I’m not who you think I am.

  Dad throws his hands up, exasperated. “It’s like I don’t know you anymore.”

  “I’m not—” They wait for me to continue. I can’t do it. What if I tell them and they totally reject me? “I’m not going to do that to you guys again.”

  Mom nods. Dad gives me a long, hard look, then says, “Thank you,” and picks up his fork and knife.

  When Jonas picks me up Friday afternoon, neither of us says anything. Neither acknowledges what happened Wednesday night. But the weight of it sits between us. Only once do I catch him looking at me in the rearview. I’m sure he feels it, too.

  We arrive late, which is a surprise. Usually, he drops me off so early I sit around with nothing to do. This time, though, we arrive just as the event is starting. I rush over to the grocery store entrance. Richard greets me with an exasperated sigh and points to where I should stand. Mom welcomes me with an arm around my shoulder. It’s the first time I’ve seen her since our big blowout. She acts like all is forgiven, but maybe that’s just because people are watching.

  Dad, wearing a proud politician smile, stands next to Dr. McAllister. Behind them is a sign that reads STAND UP TO TERROR. A small crowd has gathered. It’s all really casual. One of Dad’s “man on the street” deals. Moms juggle babies and grocery bags, waiting for the show to start. A toddler who’s had enough begins to cry.

  “My baby cries when I give speeches, too,” Dad says, giving me a wink. The audience laughs. The mom shushes the child.

  “Thanks for coming out today, everyone.” Dad holds his hands out as he speaks. “We’re excited to announce an amazing development in our fight to stand up to terror: mobile Skylar scanners. How many of you saw the press conference Dr. McAllister and I held at DART last weekend?”

  A lot of hands go up.

  “Good, good,” Dad says. “For those of you who didn’t, or aren’t familiar with Skylar, I’d like to have Dr. McAllister take a moment to explain how it works. Dr. McAllister?” Dad leads the audience in applause. Dr. McAllister moves to center stage.

  “Skylar is the latest technological advancement in providing a blanket of protection over our city.”

  I watch the faces in the audience as Dr. McAllister explains how the system works. Many people smile, knowing they’re on live TV. Here and there I see signs of unease, scrunched eyebrows or nervous glances at others, but for the most part, the reaction is no reaction.

  “Looks like there are a lot of parents out here today,” Dad says, taking his spot again next to Dr. McAllister. “Tell me, Mac, can I use Skylar to keep track of my daughter when she sneaks out?”

  My mouth drops open. The audience chuckles. Dad squeezes me around the shoulders and kisses the top of my head. “Just kidding, honey.”

  I try to laugh it off, but I feel dizzy. How far does Skylar reach? My red X is a yellow dot. I never even thought about that. Does Dad know where I went Wednesday night? My hands start to fidget. Mom grabs one and holds it tight. I need to keep it together.

  “Well,” Dr. McAllister says, “the system isn’t really intended for that use….”

  “I know, I know,” Dad says. “But it will be good for tracking down bad guys, will it not?”

  “Yes,” Dr. McAllister says. “In fact…” He continues answering questions about the purpose of the system, how it will be used to track down terrorists, how the more Knowns there are, the easier it will be to identify Unknowns. In my mind I see the yellow circles moving on the Skylar grid. I wish I were still Unknown.

  When they’re done, the audience claps. Dad and Dr. McAllister step aside.

  “Think they’ll sign up?” Dr. McAllister asks when his back is to the crowd.

  Dad keeps his voice low. “They better.”

  Richard instructs everyone to form a line. Some people line up in front of him, but most don’t. Most walk into the store or out to the parking lot to their waiting cars. Dad watches them walking away. He doesn’t look happy.

  Friday after school, we drop off our backpacks, bag our paint supplies and head for the harbor to cause mayhem.

  Well, maybe not mayhem. But that’s kind of how it feels. Like when I’d be out all night with the guys back home, tearing up the town. I watch my reflection in the shopwindows, my ratty jeans and shades. Bag slung over my shoulder. Germ said the other Danny is confident. Well, here I am. What would Eevee think if she saw me? Maybe I’ll try it out when I see her tomorrow. Germ looks pretty badass, too, strutting along, carrying the other bag.

  It’s kind of a lie, though. I keep thinking about the look on Mom’s face when I walked in the door yesterday morning. The disappointment on Dad’s when he came home from work. The promise I made not to screw up again. All that takes the edge off my appetite for trouble. Back home, the things I did only affected me. I can’t be selfish like that here. My actions impact others now, for good and bad.

  “We gotta be back before curfew.” As soon as I say it, the veneer of badassery falls away. Probably better to just be myself with Eevee. Well, as much as possible, anyway.

  “No problem,” Germ says. “I got chewed out, too. Dad thinks I’m gonna wind up on the SPL.” When I don’t respond, he looks at me. “Sorry. The suspicious persons list.”

  A patrol car approaches, and we become unusually engrossed in the fine print of a sign in a shopwindow.

  “Why’d you guys get involved with RD in the first place?”

  Germ watches the car pass in the window reflection. “Paint’s impossible to get. Those cans in your bag? That’s our thank-you from RD.”

  “Isn’t that kind of a big risk just for paint?”

  He doesn’t say anything, which makes me wonder if what I said ticked him off. I’m about to apologize when he says, “There’s nothing like blazing the side of a building to show them they don’t own us. That’s worth it. To me, at least.”

  Can’t argue with that.

  We continue down the sidewalk. Seagulls squawk overhead, and the stink of fish guts and seaweed mixes with the saltwater air. When we get near the harbor, we turn down an alley and emerge at the back of our first target: a coffee shop with oceanfront seating.

  “Here we go.” Germ pulls two city utility worker coats and two hard hats from his bag. I pull a tarp and duct tape from mine. We put the coats on—hi
s is way too large—and laugh at how stupid we look. I shake my head. “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

  “I can.” He grins, sticking out his hand in a way I haven’t seen before. When I put out my hand, he walks me through what must be his and Danny’s secret shake: regular shake, bro shake, shoulder bump, fist bump.

  Two scruffy teens walk into an alley. Two utility workers walk out. They hang a blue tarp to secure their work area and get busy. All in full view of Spectrum cameras.

  And no one notices.

  Two hours later, we’ve hit the coffee shop, a bookstore, a clothing store, a low wall in front of an apartment complex, the concrete moorings by the pier, and a billboard. The billboard was the toughest. Germ doesn’t like heights. I don’t like getting caught. But we did it, and now it’s there for the world to see.

  Doesn’t seem like much, to be honest. Just words and pictures sprayed on brick, concrete, metal. But it’s better than saying nothing at all.

  Our bags stashed behind a Dumpster, we hang a right and cross a busy street along the harbor. It’s getting late and we’re taking a risk, but we circle back one more time to admire our work. I keep my baseball cap low over my eyes. Germ has his hood up. We walk along the waterfront. Waves slosh against the seawall. Seagulls stand like statues on the wooden pylons. I inhale as deeply as I can—I’ll never get used to the smell of the ocean—and cough. A tightness in my chest.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” I clear my throat. The tightness fades. “Hope I’m not coming down with something.”

  Germ nudges me with his elbow and we slow down. A woman stands in front of our painting of the bar-code-head guy with hands covering his mouth. She’s small and her back is hunched. She looks at the face on the wall. Only her gray curls move in the wind. We walk past her and stop under a tree, out of sight of the cameras. After what seems like a long time, the woman glances around. She fishes through her bags, pulls out her phone and snaps a picture. Then she picks up the bags and walks off down the road.

  After days on end of gray clouds, sunshine filters through the trees, dappling the grass with patches of light. An ant crawls onto the blanket and I brush it away. Rabbits and birds skitter in the bushes on the other side of the school fence. It’s a perfect day for a picnic. I smooth my skirt over my legs and check the time again. Maybe he changed his mind.

  I touch the tip of my brush to the water and the blue tint spreads like liquid smoke. Then I wash the color across the paper, creating a cerulean sky before blending it down to a phthalo sea. With emerald I add grass, dabbing in layers of viridian and ocher for shadows and light. I’m just about to paint the sunset when a voice behind me says, “Hi.”

  I look up. The sun winks through the trees, fracturing my view of Danny with flares of light. The effect is dazzling. My eyes etch the image onto my brain so I can sketch it later.

  “Did you make that?” He crouches down. “It’s awesome.”

  It takes me too long to respond. I can’t stop looking at his face. “What? Oh. Yes. Do you want it?”

  He looks good. Really good. Ratty jeans. Rolled-up sleeves.

  “That belongs in a museum or something.”

  “No. This is just me goofing around. It still needs to dry, but when it’s done, you can have it.”

  “Thanks.” He joins me on the blanket. “Sorry I’m late. Took the wrong train and got lost.”

  “I thought maybe you’d changed your mind.”

  “No way. I’d have been here early if I wasn’t such a noob about the light-rail.”

  I blow on the watercolor and set it aside to dry. “Want to hear a secret? I’ve never ridden it. It scares me.”

  “Scares you? You don’t seem like the kind of girl who scares easy.”

  “Oh yeah? And just what kind of girl do I seem like?”

  He studies my face. “Not sure yet.”

  The way he’s looking at me makes my hands fidget. “Hungry?” I open the basket to give them something to do. “I nabbed some muffins from the breakfast line. Is blueberry okay?”

  “Perfect. Oh, hang on. I forgot.” He reaches into his back pocket, then takes my hand. “This is for you.”

  In my palm is a smooth black stone. “What’s this?”

  “Just something I picked up from that castle place the other night. I wanted something to remember it by. Thought you might, too.”

  “Thank you.”

  He clears his throat. “So, what have you been up to?”

  I reach into the basket and present a muffin to him with a silly flourish, then grab a second for me. Inside, I’m trying to figure out how to answer his question. Finally, I settle on, “Painting. You?”

  He takes a bite and thinks, too, before answering. “Same.”

  Totally not what I expected. “You paint? Like, what, watercolors? Oils?”

  “Um…spray?”

  I stop midbite. “As in, graffiti?”

  He pops the rest of the muffin into his mouth and rests back on his elbows, smiling as he chews.

  “That’s kind of illegal, you know.”

  He shrugs. Just like he did at the museum.

  “I could totally turn you in.”

  “Yeah, but you won’t.” He picks up the watercolor.

  “How do you know?”

  “You don’t seem like the kind of girl who’d do that.” He looks at the painting. “Tell me about this.”

  I finish the last bite and brush off my hands. “What’s to tell? It’s the ocean.”

  “Why the ocean?”

  I think about it for a second. “Because it makes me feel free.”

  “Have you been out on it?” He sets the painting down and leans back again on his elbows.

  I scoot the picnic items over and lean back beside him. “Lots of times. Mostly for boring political stuff. Have you?”

  “Nah. Boring political stuff’s not really my thing.”

  I bump him with my shoulder. “The ocean, silly.”

  He smirks. “No. I was supposed to go last weekend but the harbor was closed.”

  “Last weekend everything was closed.”

  “Except the grocery store.” He looks over at me. “Good thing, huh?” He lies back on the blanket and puts his hands under his head.

  It’s been gray for so long. The sun shimmering through the trees is gorgeous. Reminds me of the leaves in Confidante. I sigh. “Do you ever wish you could go somewhere else?”

  He brushes my hair away from my shoulder. When I look over at him, his face is intense. “Where would you go?”

  I lie back next to him and fold my hands across my stomach. “Anywhere not here.”

  His hand reaches over and finds mine. When he speaks, his voice is quiet. “I used to feel that way.”

  I want to tell her so bad.

  That I’m from somewhere else—and now that I’m here, I never want to leave.

  Her hand is soft in mine. I listen as she talks about her life, and answer as much as I can when she asks about mine. The sun shines on us through the trees and everything feels perfect.

  But short. The seconds tick down. Pretty soon I’ll have to go meet with Warren and Germ.

  She turns over so she’s lying on her stomach, propped up on her elbows. “Do you dance?”

  The question throws me. “I try not to.”

  “Let me rephrase that. What I actually mean is…would you like to go to a dance with me?”

  “Like a school dance?” I make a face.

  She makes a face, too. “Worse. Governor’s Gala. I have to go and it’s kind of expected I’ll bring a date. My parents want me to go with this intern guy, but…” She rolls her eyes. “Please say yes.”

  What in the world is a governor’s gala? Ladies in pouffy dresses and powdered wigs? I can’t imagine myself in the middle of that crowd, but the way she’s looking at me, I give in. “Okay.”

  “Really?” First she looks surprised. Then relieved. “Thank you.”

  “Thank you.
Last time a girl asked me to a dance was…let me think…never.”

  “I find that hard to believe.”

  She has no idea.

  We’re both quiet, looking at each other. Wish we could stay like this all day. All day? Wish we could stay like this forever.

  She leans in and whispers, “Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”

  A smile plays at her lips. I give her a daring look in return. “Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”

  We’re so close, eye to eye, both waiting to see who’ll make the first move.

  And then there’s harp music.

  She startles and reaches for her phone. “I’m sorry. I have to go. There’s this thing…”

  “It’s okay.” I sit up, fix the back of my hair. “I actually have to get going, too.”

  She gathers up the picnic items. “When do I get to see you again?”

  As I help her, an idea pops into my head. “Monday?”

  “Not tomorrow?”

  I consider it, but not knowing what Warren has planned, it’s best to leave the day open. “Sorry.”

  She looks disappointed. I stop her hands and look her in the eye, trying to somehow make her understand all the things that are too difficult to say. Then I lean in and kiss her quickly because the clock is ticking and I’m bad at goodbyes.

  It kills me that our picnic ended so quickly—why is our timing always so off?—but the sun is shining and his kisses are amazing and somehow it feels like everything is going to be okay.

  At two o’clock, I knock on Warren’s door. There’s a series of beeps followed by a click. The handle turns and a begoggled face peers at me through the opening.

  “Ha!” I grin. “Figured it out easy this time.”

  He looks past me. “Were you followed?”

  “What?” I look down the hall. “No.”