Death By Carbs

by Paige Nick

  Maureen thought it was an inspired idea to present a different kind of Banting journey. Herman had been almost immediately successful with his efforts at losing weight (as Maureen herself had been). So this was something different for her. And the fans loved it. Their encouragement even buoyed up Maureen herself, especially whenever she was considering a sneaky rusk with her bullet-proof coffee.

  Maureen’s most popular comment ever came a few weeks after Lydia had first started Banting, when she’d posted two silly before-and-after photos of Ginger Mary that made the cat look like she’d lost a couple of feline kilos. Over seven hundred likes, one hundred and fifty-seven shares, and two hundred and twenty comments and counting. It was as if Maureen had gone viral.

  Now, Lydia was really close to reaching her goal weight, thanks to Banting and Maureen’s Marvellous Tim Noakes ENDORSED Meal Plans. Just the other day, Maureen had replaced Lydia’s blurry, fat-from-behind profile picture with another side-on, generic picture of a pretty blonde girl she’d found buried somewhere on Google. And Lydia had posted that she was now the gorgeous, sexy, confident girl she had always wanted to be, thanks to Maureen’s Marvellous Tim Noakes ENDORSED Meal Plans.

  Maureen clicked through to Lydia’s messages, curious and slightly nervous; who could possibly be writing to an imaginary human being?

  BENJAMIN

  Wednesday 10:57am

  Benjamin Di Rosi Hi Lydia, you don’t know me from a bar of soap, and I hope you don’t think it’s too forward of me to friend you like this on Facebook and private message you so completely out of the blue? But for the last few weeks I’ve really wanted to write to tell you how much your progress and your posts on the Banting for Life Page have inspired me. I hope you don’t mind me getting in touch? I also couldn’t help noticing that you’ve been using Maureen’s Marvellous Meal Plans. Which are apparently endorsed by Professor Noakes himself (RIP). I wanted to ask how those are working for you, as I’m considering signing up. As a single man, I struggle to come up with ideas of new things to make, and a ready-made meal plan feels like the perfect solution. I hope to hear back from you.

  Lydia Steenberg Hello Benjamin. Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you friended me and wrote. Banting has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and this group has been such amazing support. So if there’s ever any opportunity to share that support, then that’s my greatest pleasure. I must tell you, I absolutely LOVE Maureen’s ENDORSED by Prof Noakes (RIP, his death is just too sad for words) Marvellous Meal Plans. I find they work really well for me and I can honestly HIGHLY recommend them. You should totally do it. And I know what you mean about being single, and struggling to find menu ideas, I have the exact same problem.

  Benjamin Di Rosi How great of you to write back so quickly. I wasn’t really expecting a response, so you made my day. I find it hard to believe that a woman as beautiful as you could be single. Believe it or not, I coincidentally started Banting at around about the same time as you, so I’ve been really grateful to be able to follow your journey alongside my own. Whenever I feel like I’m struggling or feel tempted to reach for what I like to call ‘contraband’, I think about the incredible success and the immense will to succeed that you and so many other people in the group have shown, and it always keeps me on the straight and narrow. I’m definitely going to look into getting in touch with Maureen about her meal plans, since you speak so highly of them. Perhaps we could share some notes and information about how we are doing?

  Lydia Steenberg Oh how lovely of you to say that thing about being inspired by my journey. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m so glad I’m doing it. Sometimes I think everyone on that group makes it look easier than it really is. I can tell you honestly that I also have my run-ins with contraband. Sometimes I just say what the heck, and treat myself. We’re only human after all. I was just looking at your profile (blush – I wasn’t Facebook stalking you, I promise) and it looks like you’ve done amazingly well. How much have you lost in total so far? And yes, I’d love to swop notes with you.

  Benjamin Di Rosi Ah, now it’s my turn to blush. Yes, I’ve had incredible results. I’ve lost over 20 kilos since I started, I’m pleased to say.

  Lydia Steenberg Wow, that’s fantastic! Well done you! But how come you haven’t posted about it on the page? I’m sure I would have seen and congratulated you if you had.

  Benjamin Di Rosi I guess I’m kind of shy. I prefer to watch and be inspired by everyone on the page, like youAkdfjlakifhfhfhf fkjfkfj kjfa kdajf akdjf alfdka f

  I’m SO sorry, that wasn’t me. My crazy cat just walked right across my keyboard!

  Lydia Steenberg Ha ha ha I wondered what happened there. I have a cat too, Ginger Mary. No surprises, she’s a ginger. What’s your cat’s name?

  Benjamin Di Rosi Yes I’ve seen pictures of your Ginger Mary on your profile on Facebook (I also wasn’t stalking you, I swear!) Those before and after pics were hilarious!! My cat’s name is Silas. He loves my keyboard. He especially likes walking across it when I’m working or typing, and sometimes, mostly when I’m working on something especially important, he likes to lie across it, as if he owns it. It’s his party trick, to get my attention. I’d better go and feed him before he finds something else to destroy. But I’m looking forward to chatting to you again if you’re keen?

  Lydia Steenberg Sometimes I think we’re our cat’s pets, instead of the other way around.

  Benjamin Di Rosi So true ☺ Chat soon.

  Lydia Steenberg Bye, Benjamin. Bye, Silas.

  THE EX-PUBLISHER

  Wednesday 11:03am

  ‘You okay?’

  The man in Frank’s peripheral vision seemed chatty, and Frank wasn’t in the mood for chatty, so he ignored him. He didn’t come to this bar to be sociable – he came to drink and to forget. Well, to drink to forget.

  ‘Hey buddy,’ the man said again, a little louder.

  Frank went on pretending he hadn’t heard him.

  ‘Hey man, you know your hand’s bleeding all over the bar, right?’

  The guy shifted from his barstool to the barstool beside Frank’s.

  ‘It’s nothing,’ Frank murmured, not making eye-contact in an effort to make it clear that he wasn’t in the mood for small talk with an annoyingly hairy stranger who smelled like pickled onions.

  ‘It doesn’t look like nothing. It looks like you’ve been in a hell of a fight. I’d hate to see what the other guy looks like,’ said the man

  cheerily. ‘So, what happened to you?’

  At last Frank swivelled in his seat to face the man. ‘You know when you’re involved in something really big that happens, and you think it’s going to change your life completely, but it doesn’t, and your life stays just as shit as it was before that big thing happened? But the problem is that you were counting on that big thing to change your life and make it better, but in reality, nothing changes, in fact that big thing just ends up exacerbating the problem and making everything worse.’

  ‘Er, I think so.’

  ‘Well, that,’ said Frank, swivelling back to face the bar.

  ‘So what did you do to your hand?’ the man persisted.

  ‘You ask a lot of questions for a stranger in a bar,’ Frank spat. ‘What are you, the FB-fucking-I?’

  ‘Sorreeee! Excuse me for living,’ the man said. ‘But your hand’s bleeding all over the bar and there’s not much else going on around here, so it made me curious. No offence,’ he added, waving at the barman. ‘Want another?’ he asked Frank.

  Frank nodded. Who was he to turn down a free drink? In fact, who was he to turn down a free anything?

  ‘I punched something,’ Frank said, by way of payment for his drink, which was being poured by an uninterested barman. Daytime barmen were always uninterested. They’d either seen too much, or they’d seen it all.

  ‘Is the thing you punched animat
e or inanimate? Or previously animate and now inanimate?’ the man asked.

  ‘It was a wall, okay? Are you happy now? A brick wall! Anything else? My blood type maybe? Where I buy my socks? Boxers or briefs? My ID number? Shoe size?’ Frank shouted.

  ‘Well, there’s no need to be an arsehole about it!’ the man huffed before shifting back to his original seat.

  ‘Good riddance,’ muttered Frank, downing his drink in one shot, then nodding at the barman to fill his glass once again.

  THE HIJACKERS

  Wednesday 11:12am

  ‘How much do you want for the gusheshe, Lefty?’ Thabo asked.

  ‘The price has never changed, magents,’ Lefty said, watching them through one eye, working at his teeth with a toothpick. ‘In fact, for you two moegoes, it might even go up.’

  ‘Ama-Trevor-Noah,’ Thabo said. ‘How about twelve grand, special price?’

  ‘That’s not the price. The price is twenty grand, I told you,’ Lefty

  said, the eyebrow above the scar where his left eye used to be quivering with annoyance.

  Rumour had it that he’d either lost his eye in Pollsmoor, or playing darts with a blind man, depending who you asked about it.

  ‘Twenty grand for that skorokoro?’ Thabo feigned indignation.

  ‘It’s not worth more than ten, and you know it. It’s barely driving.’

  ‘Then be my guest and don’t buy it,’ Lefty said. ‘Nobody is begging you. And that’s not a skorokoro, it’s a classic car. And if you can’t see that, you don’t deserve to drive such a fine piece of machinery.’

  ‘Oh please, it’s from before the struggle. It’s got over two hundred thousand on the clock, easy,’ Papsak chimed in.

  Lefty shook his head, leaning against the bar counter and continuing to pick his teeth.

  Thabo and Papsak exchanged panicked glances.

  ‘Okay, look Lefty, we’re not messing you around. We are honest,

  legit buyers. Look here, we’ve got fourteen grand, cash,’ Thabo said, fishing his wad out of his pocket and nudging Papsak, who rifled

  around in his own pocket and got out his share. Thabo grabbed Papsak’s cash, and held just about every cent they had out to the one-eyed shebeen owner.

  Lefty narrowed his good eye, the lines on his forehead furrowing in pockmarked skin. ‘Magents must either be deaf or stupid,’ he said. ‘What part of twenty grand don’t you understand?’

  ‘What if we throw in Uncle Mlungu?’ Papsak suggested, pointing to a table across the empty shebeen, where the body was sitting, propped

  up against the corner in his sunglasses, his beanie pulled down low.

  ‘What am I supposed to do with a passed-out white man?’ Lefty asked.

  ‘He’s not passed out,’ Papsak whispered, and Thabo smacked him on the arm.

  ‘What? Stop hitting me!’ Papsak shouted, aggrieved. ‘He’s going to find out soon enough. It’s not like we can keep it a secret forever.’

  Lefty came out from behind the bar counter and walked slowly towards the occupied table. He turned on the house lights, then leaned in close to the dead mlungu.

  ‘What am I supposed to do with him?’ Lefty asked as he straight-

  ened and turned back to the two hijackers.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Papsak said. ‘We thought maybe you would want to take him off our hands. You could sell him. Maybe for muti or something.’

  Lefty leaned over the mlungu again, and lifted the dead man’s sunglasses, flinching at the dried blood and black and blue bruises on the dead man’s face. ‘Wait, what have you two done now? Is this that famous professor who’s in the news now?’ Lefty said. ‘That professor who’s making everyone stop eating bread?’

  Thabo and Papsak looked at Uncle Mlungu, then each other. They both shrugged.

  ‘I’m half-blind, and even I can see who it is,’ Lefty added.

  ‘How do you know?’ Papsak asked.

  ‘Because I’m not a complete ignoramus, I read Die Son!’ Lefty said. ‘It’s been all over the news this morning. He was attacked last night, he died in the ambulance, and then some guys hijacked the ambulance. Was that you two rubbishes?’

  ‘Yes,’ Papsak said.

  ‘No,’ Thabo said, at exactly the same time. Then he smacked Papsak on the arm again.

  ‘Where did you jack the ambulance?’ Lefty asked.

  ‘Salt River,’ Papsak said.

  Lefty whistled slowly, working the toothpick between his lips as he thought for a moment.

  ‘I’ll give you moegoes the gusheshe for fourteen, on one condition,’ Lefty said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘The two of you get out of here fast and take your new friend with you, and don’t ever come back. That body is as hot as Nando’s. Every cop in South Africa is looking for it, and I’ve got enough problems.’

  THE FANS

  Wednesday 12:23pm

  THE BANTING FOR LIFE FACEBOOK PAGE

  Dolly Leydt

  Hello friendly Banting for Life fans and people. So, my husband and children are all slim thank goodness. But it hasn’t been as easy for me. I’ve always battled to keep the weight off and I think I’ve been fat my entire life. I have been too scared to do it for ages, but I finally plucked up the courage and I stood on the scale today for the first time in years, to mark the beginning of my Real Meal Revolution journey. I’m too shy to put up a picture of myself, but I weigh 152.6kg, so I know its time for me to do something about it. But I reeaaaalllyyyy need some help and advice and a lot of encouragement from everywhere and anywhere!!! Please. Thank you.

  Like 46

  Fayrooz Saaiman Dolly you can do this. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Have you researched the lchf (low carb high fat) lifestyle at all?? and also maybe spoken to your doctor about it to get some help and advise. But I suggest you find a banting friendly doctor. My old doctor told me I shouldn’t do it, until I eventually found a new banting friendly doctor here in East London, Doctor Adenauer and he has been great, I’ve lost 15 kilos and am down to my target weight. It will be hard, but once you get going you will realise it’s the best way to eat. What helped for me is to always remember that it’s not a deit, it’s a way of life

  Like 36

  Zuki Kwela just cut out all your sugar and also all the carbs from your diet, simple, simple, simple.

  Like 21

  Barry Sinker Wow good luck Dolly, behind you all the way. But pretty

  impressive cos most scales only go up to 150 kilos, where did you find that

  one you are using? (I’m not asking for me, I weigh 82) Did you use an

  industrial scale or something?

  Like 4

  Louise Commerford Dolly, my stating weight was 146kg and I lost 52kg in a year and have not gained it back in almost two years. My hubby says I’m half the woman I used to be  - but I have managed to stay with it, it just takes a bit of planning. If I can do it, you can do it too. Im thinking of you.

  Like 26

  Maureen Ewehout Hi Dolly, congratulations on your brave adventure. It will

  feel overwhelming at first, but as you learn more and start to shed those

  pesky kilos, I think you will be so glad you took this first step. Speaking of

  first steps, if you’re looking for any help, I sell a series of Marvellous Meal

  Plans that have actually been ENDORSED by the late, great Professor Tim

  Noakes (may he rest in peace). He was my idol, and we worked together very closely to create these specific meal plans, specially designed to help people navigate their way through this journey. Please direct message me if I can help you in any way. And good luck. You can do it.

  Like 9

  Sue-anne Deeb Dolly, here we all are supporting each other! Push through

  You can do it! #skinny
soon I will pray for you.

  Like 21

  Sizwe Madonda Eish, eita sister Dolly! Good luck. I’ve been using Maureen’s ENDORSED meal plans and they worked for me. You can do it, yebo gogo!

  Like 13

  Wilma Du Toit Dearest Dolly, if you ask me, there is really only one way

  to diet and that is using the Be-Slim Programme. It’s the healthiest way to

  lose so much weight using a series of delicious shakes and supplements.

  And the best part of it is that theres no food in the Be-Slim programme that is such a big health risk for heart attacks.

  Like 2

  Jessa Levigne Well done for being so brave. You can do this if you pretend it’s just like rehab and take it one day at a time. Same like AA, the programme really works if you work it.

  Like 17

  Jordan Sandak Hey Wilma Du Toit, you know Be-Slim isn’t what we do here, hey? Not quite sure why you are coming here and recommending it to this poor woman who is obviously trying to be brave and start her Banting

  journey. Do you work for the Be-Slim people maybe??? I hope they pay

  you a lot. I think the admins should kick you out this group Wilma!!!!

  Like 26

  Sallique Spuy Dolly, I suggest you check to see if maybe you have some underlining issues that are making your weight be so on the heavy side