by Roz James
Their entire relationship flashed before her eyes, as though on a cine film. Their first kiss, the first time they’d gone further, tentatively touching each other. Their first orgasm together, Natalie wasn’t even touching her, they were just lying on Natalie’s bed still clothed, moving against each other. She’d stopped, incredibly embarrassed, until Natalie continued moving against her and moments later she too climaxed. They were totally on the same page. Their life together, their plans. Kara had wanted Natalie for life, she was the love of her life. Her feelings for Vivien, her partner of over thirteen years, her wife of ten years now, paled into insignificance by comparison. She needed out of here before she reverted to cave man days, flung Natalie over her shoulders and ran off with her.
Viv was already leading her away. “You’re right, let’s strike while he’s on his own, we might not get another chance.”
Natalie smiled. “It was good seeing you Kara.”
“And you.” She looked away, concerned that Natalie would see the turmoil in her eyes. She was always good at reading her, too good sometimes.
Natalie watched her walking away, releasing the breath she hadn’t even realised she was holding. She was well aware of the pain she had seen in Kara’s eyes, how could she not, sure that it mirrored her own. When Pauline, a fellow teacher approached and began to talk to Lou, she grabbed the opportunity to excuse herself as if going to the toilet, relishing a moment to clear her head. Instead she wandered into the empty library, looking out over the lights of the city.
Natalie had discovered Kara’s writing before she met Lou. Single, she lost herself in the romantic stories, living vicariously through the lives of the heroines. They always seemed to be able to work through their problems to a happy outcome, and find someone they were crazy about. How ironic that Kara was responsible for these writings, when the fingers she imagined as she read, gently stroking her clit, pushing deeply inside her and bringing her to climax, were those of the woman she still loved.
She remembered one of her favourite novels, where it was each of the main characters first sexual experience. She’d marvelled at the writer’s ability to capture the passion and joy of their discovery of making love to someone, to another woman, in mere words. Recently she’d realised that if this had been based on the author’s personal experience, then it was based on her. How could it not be, it was Kara’s first time too.
More recently when she was looking for a quick release, given she was in a relationship and had a fulfilling sexual life, she had favoured her erotic short stories. Often bringing herself to a quick pleasureful climax when Lou was working, to relieve stress and help her sleep.
She recalled envying the author’s wife, her bibliography claimed she was married, suspecting that they enjoyed an incredibly passionate love life. Now she no longer had to imagine her, she could picture her, hear her, even talk to her.... Vivien, her wife’s new boss; a woman very like her. For once Lou hadn’t exaggerated. Yes, there were small differences in hair and eye colour, but otherwise she was so like her they could be sisters.
CHAPTER SIX
It was unavoidable that they would cross paths and the next time they came across each other was at a teaching conference in Aberdeen. Kara had only agreed to attend as she believed that Natalie wouldn’t be there. She knew Louise was, and thought that this would provide her an opportunity to get to know Lou, her wife’s friend. She was running out of excuses to not meet up with her, fearing running into Natalie. It turned out the work issue preventing Natalie attending had resolved itself at the last minute. Turning up to meet Vivien for dinner at the restaurant as planned, she was astonished to discover Natalie there too.
Natalie too had not encouraged the couples meeting up since the Christmas party, and had been relieved that Lou hadn’t since mentioned introducing them to the scene, as she’d suggested before she knew who she was. She certainly didn’t remind her, and Lou wrongly assumed that Natalie not mentioning her either meant that her interest in Kara had waned. It was customary for them to attend each other’s conferences though, and when Nat was suddenly available she no longer had an excuse to not go.
Natalie could immediately see that Kara hadn’t expected her to be there, her shocked expression, before she managed to pull herself together, said it all. At least she had been prepared. Kara was uncharacteristically quiet though dinner, if Lou noticed that Natalie wasn’t as talkative as usual either then she never commented. They managed to get through it because Viv and Lou had so much to talk about, including the next day’s workshops. It was obvious that they shared a love for their profession. They all turned in early, agreeing to meet the following morning at 8 a.m. for breakfast.
The breakfast room was a large room in the hotel, it had obviously been the house’s chapel in the past. It was now full of delegates. Breakfast was a huge buffet and they filled their plates with bacon, sausage, egg, black pudding, and haggis. Toast and tea and coffee was delivered to the table. It was a bright winter day with no sign of rain. As they finished eating and drank their coffee, Lou looked at Kara and Nat. “So, what are you two going to do whilst we’re at the conference? You’ve got a whole day together. If nothing else the shopping here’s much better than Dundee.”
Kara coughed; it hadn’t even occurred to her that that would be expected. She looked over, Natalie was watching her expectantly. Natalie could see Kara’s expression, she looked like it was the last thing she wanted, she decided it was her turn to rescue her. “Babe maybe Kara wants to work or do something on her own, without me tagging along. She might have plans. Plus, Kara loves shopping about as much as you do.... at least she used to.” She blushed slightly, suddenly aware of her first reference to their shared past.
Vivien looked at her watch. “Lou we need to head, the conference opens in 10 minutes.” She kissed Kara’s forehead as she stood. “Have a great day ladies, whatever you do, while we slog at learning.”
The silence after they left was deafening, until Natalie broke it. “You didn’t know I’d be here, did you ... at the conference?”
Kare met her gaze. “No, I thought Viv said you couldn’t attend.”
“I’m sorry, that was true initially, then things changed, and I couldn’t find a reason not to. If you’d known....?”
Kara interrupted. “Then I’d have found an excuse not to come.”
Natalie sighed. “You know Kara, whether we like it or not Viv is now Lou’s boss, and you’ve probably already realised that the school’s more than just a job, it’s also a tight knit community. They’re becoming good friends too; it might become difficult and obvious if you don’t want to spend any time in my company. Think about it, please. As for today I meant what I said, if you want to do your own thing that’s fine, I’ll understand. Don’t let my wife pressure you, she can be a bit pushy sometimes, but she means well.”
Kara grimaced at the word wife, that’s what she had wanted with Natalie. She’d known from just after they got together that she wanted forever. Her eyes met Natalie’s. The hotel restaurant had suddenly emptied as everyone left for the conference. She realised it was the first time they’d been alone together, a moment she’d feared since she had met her again. “That’s the thing Nat, I do want to spend time with you, alone, therein lies the problem.”
Natalie held her gaze, her expression saying much more than any words. She completely understood, much as she’d tried to reason with herself since the Christmas party, the reality was that she felt exactly the same way. “Okay.... then come upstairs with me, let’s talk about this.”
“I’m not ready to talk about this Nat, about us.... if I’m honest I’m not sure I ever will be.”
Natalie smiled. “What, the great author stuck for words, surely not?”
“I’m hardly great.”
“I think you are.” She reached over and touched her arm, talking softly. “Please Kara, come upstairs, talk to me?”
“To the room you share with Lou, no I can’t.” Kara tried to
look away, but the emotion in the hazel eyes before her stopped her.
Natalie held her gaze. She’d been kidding herself if she thought she could spend time with Kara and deny how she felt, how she still felt about her. “Well then, it’s a big hotel, we’ll just need to get one of our own.”
Kara looked at her, amazed at what she was saying. Natalie’s ability to be friendly at the party had led her to believe that she was completely over her, clearly she’d been wrong. Her eyes were saying the opposite, she was sure she could see both lust and love. “It’s a conference, believe me the rooms will be full.”
Natalie took a deep breath. “Well there’s a budget hotel right next door, let’s try there. It will be like old times.”
Kara needed no further bidding. They rose and headed for the reception, both silent and fully aware of the line they would soon cross. Natalie stood back as Kara approached the reception and paid cash for a double room, returning with a card. They were completely quiet in the lift, unable to meet each other’s eyes, but aware that the sexual tension could be cut with a knife.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Unlocking the bedroom door, Kara allowed Natalie to enter first. By the time she’d closed the door behind her and turned around, Natalie had pushed her back against it, her mouth on hers, one hand under her shirt, her other already reaching for the zip on Kara’s trousers.
Kara pulled back. “I thought you wanted to talk.”
Natalie looked at her, her face flushed with arousal. “I do.... after. I want you Kara, I’ve never stopped wanting you. You’ve no idea how often I’ve climaxed at your words over the years, but right now I need to come at your hands.”
Kara groaned loudly. If they were honest with themselves they had both known this moment was inevitable from their meeting at Tom’s house six weeks before. Hence why they’d both avoided each other. Kara swapped their positions, turning Nat around until her body was pressed against the door, lowering herself to her knees and taking Nat’s trousers and panties with her as she went. She pulled off her shoes, releasing one leg from her trousers and lifting it over her shoulder to improve her access. Natalie moaned as she grasped the back of Kara’s head and both watched and felt Kara’s tongue disappear between her folds and lap at her clit. The feeling somehow new, but at the same time achingly familiar.
God this is bliss. Kara stopped for a second, looking up at the arousal on Natalie’s face, her eyes already darkened with lust. “I’ve never forgotten how good you taste.” Their eyes met before Nat’s hands wrapped around her head, her fingers running through her soft hair, pushing Kara’s talented tongue back between her legs. Within seconds she was writhing and moaning, her back arched and her eyes closed with the intensity of her climax.
Kara sat back briefly before rising and pushing Nat against the wall. Natalie was ready for her and turned them around, with Kara’s back against the wall as she pushed her hand inside her panties into her drenched core. Kara pushed her own trousers and panties down as Nat entered her, pressing deeply with two fingers, then three, then four, her thumb finding her clit and rubbing hard. As she peaked Kara entered Natalie with two fingers, the feeling of being home and Nat’s almost immediate second climax adding to the intensity of her own powerful orgasm.
As their breathing slowed Natalie wondered if that would be it, would they dress, embarrassed and seek an excuse to leave quickly, the physical side of their lust sated? Maybe, she later told herself, she could have handled just having that. Instead what happened next was much more significant. Kara slowly removed her remaining clothes, lying her down on the bed and made love to every inch of her body. Igniting every cell and bringing her to orgasm so many times she lost count, and with such intensity she couldn’t stop the tears each time.
Kara played her body like a delicate and priceless instrument. It was obvious she remembered every erogenous zone Nat had, and knew exactly when to tease, lick, flick or push harder. Something her wife had been unable to do despite their years of marriage and healthy sexual life. By the end she was strung out emotionally and physically exhausted.
They lay together afterwards, catching up on each others’ lives over the past 15 years. Lying in the position that had been theirs before; Nat with her head on Kara’s chest, Kara’s arm gently stroking her back. In the past they’d lie like this for hours before making love again or falling asleep.
“Viv told me about your mum, why didn’t you tell me Nat? I’d have been here for you, whatever was wrong.”
Natalie sat up, her back to Kara, not making eye contact. “It wasn’t that simple Kara. Mental illness might be something people talk openly about today, but that’s because there has been a power of work done to reduce the stigma. Not that it’s perfect now, but then it was something to be ashamed of. I still feel that today, even though rationally I know I shouldn’t. It’s a physical thing, it just manifests in bizarre behaviours. She was a different person. My mum was ill, really ill, it was heart-breaking.”
“They were great parents to me and Neil. I knew they always wanted more kids, but it just hadn’t worked out for them. I remember mum being pregnant a couple of times, she’d lose the baby quite late in the pregnancy, long after she was showing. Then when mum was 38 she got pregnant again, and this time she didn’t miscarry. They were ecstatic, but that pregnancy did something to her, it brought on psychosis.”
“What?”
“I know, I never knew that was possible before then either, but believe me it is, it’s called gestational psychosis. After her diagnosis she was hospitalised for the remainder of her pregnancy, a locked ward, she was a danger to herself and the baby. I wasn’t allowed to visit much. I missed her, but they didn’t have the same things in place for children visiting then, and I remember it, it was rough. When I did visit I’d cry all the way home, hating to leave her in that place.”
“Then when she had Neil, for a while she seemed better. Apparently in most cases that’s the end of it, but not my mum. My aunt, my dad’s sister, helped out a lot too, and for a time everything was okay. Then when Neil was two I went to Uni. I though everything was fine. Maybe if I’d visited more, or just looked harder when I did come home, I’d have realised things weren’t right. I just thought Neil was an annoying brat, nothing less then I’d expect of a little brother.”
“Anyway, when I came home after graduation my dad broke down. Things had deteriorated badly over the previous few months, to the worst they’d ever been, and he hadn’t told me. He wanted me to finish my degree, to travel, to have my own life. The final straw had been my mum attacking my aunt in the kitchen with a sharp knife, it was bad enough that she needed stitches.”
“That was it for her, not surprisingly. She hadn’t seen it coming, there was no indication. She refused to help any more. My dad had tried to cope alone, but it was obvious he couldn’t. Two days after graduation mum was sectioned again. The house was a mess, Neil was a clingy, confused and very scared little kid. Social services were involved and had even suggested respite care. Dad thought he was going to lose him, and Neil had overheard them talking and was terrified he’d be taken away. He’d seen my mum taken away in ambulances too, sometimes in a straitjacket, and thought that was what this meant. He had nightmares for years about that. I couldn’t leave him, or my dad Kara, I just couldn’t.”
Natalie turned to look at her. “You know even after all that my dad didn’t pressure me to stay, he didn’t even ask me, but the one thing he’d always demanded of me was privacy. It was a family secret, god more like the family shame. That’s why I couldn’t tell, even you. Christ I wanted to so much, it tore me apart not being able to tell you, to have to say what I did. I wanted you to follow our dreams Kara, but I didn’t want you to hate me. Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I loved you so much. Fuck I’ve never stopped loving you.”
Kara could see Nat was crying before she even heard her, her body shaking with sobbing. She sat up, pulling Nat to her. “God Nat I’m so sorry.
”
Natalie relaxed into her arms. “Babe, you’ve nothing to be sorry for, I didn’t tell you.”
“No, but when I think of what I said, my last words to you. I was such a bitch. If I’d only known.....”
“It’s not your fault, you couldn’t know. You must have thought I was a heartless cow, ending things by phone, you told me as much. But if I’d seen you I know I’d have told you everything... I just couldn’t.”
Kara nodded. “Christ, I always regretted not just turning up and facing you. Now I really wish I had.” She kissed away Nat’s fresh tears, gently pulling her back down to their position. “How are they now?”
“Now, as well as they can be I suppose. Mum hasn’t been out of hospital for more than an outing for years, but at least it’s an open ward, and not the locked ones, they were brutal. She’s as happy as she can be. They’ve tried, they placed her in supported accommodation, she lasts about two overnights then sabotages it.”
“How?”
“Threatens staff, that sort of thing, she’s even tried taking pills. Given her history they can’t afford to take chances. I’m sure they’ll keep trying though, mental health beds are in short supply these days.”
“And your dad and Neil?”
“Dad is good actually. He still visits mum, he’s fiercely loyal and they’ve never divorced, but he’s been in a new relationship for the past three years, with Janette, she is lovely. He’s the happiest he’s been for years. He moved in with her and signed the house over to me. Neil trained as a psychiatric nurse believe it or not and now works for a mental health charity. I have to admit I was wary at first, he’d had so much experience I wanted him to do something more light-hearted. I think he wanted to understand more about mum, though, why she’s the way she is. He’s not got much memory of her when she was well. Anyway, he’s better adjusted than he probably should be, not that it was easy at first. He’s in a long-term relationship, with Susan, and she’s expecting their second child.”