by Roz James
Kara could see the pride in Natalie’s voice, she deserved it, she had brought him up.
“What age is he?”
“He’s only 22. I know it’s young and initially I was horrified, but Susan is 26 and he’s much more mature than most guys his age. He’s got an old head on his shoulders.”
“Do you get on well?”
“Yes, although I’m more like his mother than his sister, not surprising really.”
“Did you never want kids of your own?”
Nat looked thoughtful. “No, I felt I’d done that already, and while they say gestational psychosis isn’t hereditary I wouldn’t take the risk.”
“What about Louise, couldn’t she carry the child, she’s younger than you isn’t she?”
“Yes but she can’t, she had really bad endometriosis, and eventually had to have a hysterectomy a few years ago.”
“Does she not want children?”
“Honestly, yes she does, and you’ve hit a sore point there, a really sore point. She’s panicking that my body clock is ticking. You know I was honest with her from the outset of our relationship, and I thought I was clear, god I know I was. Now I realise she assumed I’d change my mind. I feel like I’ve condemned her, it’s like that film ‘Goodbye Mr Chips’, the boarding schoolteacher, the final scene, he’s on his death bed, where he says he’s had thousands of kids, just none of his own.”
“You could adopt.”
“But that’s the thing, I don’t want to. If I’d wanted kids I’d have had them by now. In my heart I’m already a mother, and much as I love Neil I don’t want to do it again, it’s bloody hard work and all consuming. I want time for me now. Is that unreasonable?”
“No Nat, it’s not. Having kids is a major thing, not something you can compromise on either.”
Natalie sighed. “No. Anyway Lou wants her own, she’s got no family to speak of since she came out. That’s why she took my name when she got married. Tom wasn’t best pleased at first, although he understood and given he’s her boss its probably for the best, causes less questions about nepotism.”
“Funny, Viv was the same, her maiden name was Smith, so not the most exciting, but given her relationship with her absent parents she didn’t feel connected, or that that owed them any loyalty.”
“What about you and Vivien, do you not want kids? She obviously loves them too.”
Kara sighed. “Yes, like you it’s a bone of contention for us as well, recently anyway. We were young when we married, and I know it’s hard to believe but we just never spoke of it. It’s just something I haven’t wanted, ever.”
“And Vivien?”
Kara groaned. “Turns out her plans for the three bedroomed house with a garden we now have were different to mine. I saw an office; she wants a nursery.”
“Oh god.”
“Let’s change the subject. How did you end up as a professor, did you not enjoy being a schoolteacher either?”
“Assistant professor, it just happened like that. Neil needed stability, and to feel secure. My dad worked a standard week, Monday to Friday, we couldn’t leave him alone after school and didn’t want to send him to clubs when he was still struggling to be apart from us, so I was like a housewife at first. I got us into some family counselling too, and that took time. Then when Neil was a bit older and more confident, comfortable spending time with friends, I started getting evening and weekend lecturing work, Open University, that sort of thing. Over time that led to this, I got a lucky break I suppose. There was a part-time maternity post available and by then I could be flexible, which the Uni needed, so that helped. Then the staff member I was covering for decided not to return to work, and another part-time colleague retired. The rest is history.”
“Kara I feel like we’ve spoken lots about me, tell me about you, how are your parents?”
“They died, both of them, a couple of years ago. My dad had a heart attack, then my mum had a stroke. it was quick thankfully. I miss them, but you know we weren’t particularly close.”
Natalie felt like Kara had taken a knife to her heart. Kara’s parents were a lot older than her; she was a late accident and their first child. While they supported her after she came out, she knew that this had caused some distance. They tried but they just didn’t understand her lifestyle. Natalie had been more than just Kara’s lover, she used to tell her she was her family too. Yet more guilt she held from when she threw them away. “I’m sorry.”
“Otherwise there’s not much more to tell. Sally and I travelled around for over a year, she met a guy in Sydney, she’d still with him, they’ve got two kids; and then I met Vivien.”
“Lou said Vivien mentioned you were a bit of a player when she met you. I have to say that surprises me.”
“Did she now? Well if being a player means sleeping around then yes. I filled a void Nat, one you’d left. I’m not proud of myself, but I’m not ashamed either. Once I realised you weren’t ever coming I took comfort from others. I didn’t do relationships, but I was always honest about what I could give, I didn’t mislead people. A night or two of fun was all I offered, nothing else. For me a player is someone who will say anything to bed someone, that’s not me, I don’t play with peoples’ feelings.” Kara watched Nat’s expression. “Are you disgusted with me?”
“No..... I can’t say I like it, and if what you say is true then I need to accept my part in it. I’ve got no right after what I did. I’m just not sure now’s the time to try to justify your values and morality Kara... not after what just happened between us.”
“You mean what’s happening?”
“No, I meant what I said, this can’t happen again you know that. We’ve both moved on, married, I took those vows seriously.” As she spoke Natalie sat up and began to reach for her clothes.
Kara was up and around the other side of the bed in a flash. “Oh no, this isn’t a one-off Nat, it can’t be. Please promise me it won’t be. I love you Natalie. I convinced myself I was over you, I shut myself off, compartmentalised my feelings, I was sure you’d forgotten me. Then I only had to hear your name and it all came tumbling down around me. You can’t give yourself to me like this again and then just leave, it’s too cruel. The day Viv mentioned you I got out my keepsake box and looked at my photo album. Until then I honestly had no idea what I’d done. I married Viv not realising that I’d fallen for a replica of you.”
She is exceptionally like me, I should be flattered, Lou was shocked when she first saw her.”
“You see, but she’s not you Natalie. I’ve been with Vivien for thirteen years and its not even occurred to me to cheat on her until you. I’m as in love with you today as I ever have been, its not diminished, not in the slightest. I’m sure that’s obvious given what’s just happened between us. I just hid it away and kept functioning. I’ve loved you from the first second I saw you Natalie, and I always will. Those vows you speak of, I wanted to make them to you, it killed me earlier when you called Lou your wife.”
“But she is my wife, and Vivien is yours Kara, however hurtful that is to both is us. She’s lovely and I don’t want to be responsible for breaking her heart.”
“You wouldn’t be... I would.”
“You’ve forgotten something else Kara, I’ve got a wife too, who I love very much.”
“Yet here you are... in my bed, your idea if I recall.”
“Oh for fuck sake Kara this was inevitable, you know that as well as I do. From we first set eyes on each other again we knew this was going to happen. There’s always been a pull, an energy between us.”
“And what, you just wanted one time together, what is this exactly, goodbye sex? You don’t really believe that do you? We didn’t just fuck Natalie, we made love, that’s if you can be honest with yourself.”
Natalie was exasperated. “I know that, I wanted you. I needed to know if I still had real feelings for you.”
“And what did you discover? Look me in the eyes Nat and tell me you aren’t in love with m
e.... still, that you never stopped loving me. Do that and I’ll walk out of this room and never bother you again.”
Natalie sat back down on the bed, defeated. “You know I can’t. Obviously I do, more than I want to admit.”
“This... us, we aren’t a bottle you can recork and put back in the wine rack Nat, it’s out and I can’t let you walk away... not again.”
Natalie’s heart broke at the look of despair on her face. “So, what now?”
“I don’t know, I need time too Natalie, I don’t have all the answers, but I can’t stop seeing you. Please don’t keep you from me.”
“And tonight, we sit down together with our respective spouses and what, pretend nothings happened?”
“Right now, yes, that’s exact what we do, because what choice do we have, either of us?”
Natalie and Kara were lucky, their wives returned from the conference late, following a few glasses of cheap wine with colleagues in the student’s union, both tired and happy to have takeaway food in their rooms and early nights. They slept deeply, tired from the day’s activity and the alcohol. Kara and Natalie were awake long into the night, thinking of their first love, and what they had done. There was only one thing they were both sure of, there was no going back.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Natalie looked up from her marking when her phone pinged. Lou had just left for her late shift plus sleepover, she wouldn’t see her until after she finished her own lectures tomorrow. Checking her phone, she realised it was Kara, her heart ached at the thought. They hadn’t been able to see each other since the conference ten days before. It hadn’t stopped her thinking of Kara and what had happened between them, it hadn’t stopped her wanting her. Her guilt was immense though, she’d had to make herself respond when Lou reached for her, wanting to make love.
During that time there had been no suggestion by Lou or Vivien to meet up again. They all ran into each other on one occasion midweek in a local bistro. Fortunately, Kara and Vivien were leaving as Natalie and Lou arrived or they’d have felt the need to invite them to join them. The thought of talking to Kara over a dinner table when they couldn’t touch, and had to observe each other with their partners, wasn’t something Natalie thought she she could bare, not since she’d been with her. She wasn’t sure her guilt wouldn’t be obvious to her wife and Vivien; she was sure it would be written across her face. After what had happened between them, Kara’s mobile number was on her phone. They had texted occasionally but hadn’t talked or met yet. She opened the message.
K: Hi, Viv has just been called in to cover backshift and sleepover, she said Louise was working too?
Natalie didn’t hesitate. She called her. “Yes, she is, do you want to meet?”
“You know I do, where?”
“I’m watching a friend’s flat, I’ll text you the address.”
“Excellent, I can’t wait to see you. God I miss you.”
“Me too.”
Less than thirty minutes later Kara was knocking at the door of the flat. It was only a few streets away from where she stayed. Natalie opened the door wearing a towelling robe, with nothing beneath it.
Kara kissed her as they closed the door, already undoing Nat’s belt. “Where’s the bedroom?”
Natalie pulled her towards the couch, already casting off the robe. “Kara I can’t wait that long, I need you inside me, now please.”
“Fuck, you’re so demanding. Don’t ever stop, I love it.”
Kara didn’t need any further bidding. She pushed Natalie gently onto the couch, and quickly casting off her own shirt and jeans, lowered herself on top of a naked Natalie. They kissed deeply as Natalie reached around and unhooked her bra, before pushing her panties down her legs. She groaned deeply as Kara’s mouth latched onto her nipple, sucking hard as her hand quickly worked its way between her legs. Kara looked at Nat as she slowly pushed three fingers deep inside her, she was soaking. Natalie liked to be spread wide and filled. One finger had never been enough, and she was more than wet enough to take it without any need for any build up.
Nat was more than ready, she devoured Kara’s fingers, clutching them with her strong inner muscles. Ramping up the pace in line with Natalie’s thrusts, Kara fucked her hard, reaching as deeply as possible and brushing the spot inside that without fail turned her to jelly.
“Oh.... my god Kar.... ohhh.”
Kara smiled as she kissed her way back up Nat’s body, kissing her lips gently, and holding her as the rise and fall of her chest slowed. “Okay?”
“No babe, you’ve never just been okay, always much more. Just give me a chance to get my breath back and I’ll return the favour.”
“You don’t need to.”
“Oh, believe me I want to take care of you too. I haven’t become a pillow princess since we were together.”
“Well it wont take long, I was nearly there with you.”
Nat smiled, her hand already heading down Kara’s body. “Well there’s a challenge.” Kara hadn’t lied and was soon coming at her hand, turning Nat on again as she watched her climax.
Afterwards they lay side by side on the couch. Natalie cast her eyes up and down her lover’s body. The last 15 years had been kind to Kara, she was still in great shape. Her stomach was toned and her breasts pert. A light sheen of sweat covered her.
Kara drew circles on Nat’s stomach with her finger, occasionally slipping down to just above her mound, teasing her. Soon she could tell from her breathing and movements that Natalie was becoming aroused again. Before she could take it further Natalie stood up, reaching for her hand to pull her with her. “Come on, let’s take this to the bedroom, it’s more comfortable. I need to taste you and these old knees aren’t up to this hard wooden floor.”
Natalie was true to her word, and three orgasms later they lay breathing heavily, holding each other tightly.
Kara was the first to break the silence, she reached and tucked a tendril of hair behind her lover’s ear. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes, I don’t plan on having any secrets from you ever again.”
Her words were hesitant, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. “Are you still sleeping with Lou?” That Nat couldn’t meet her gaze gave her her answer. She had suspected as much, she couldn’t deny it hurt. “Viv and I haven’t, not for a while.”
“Seriously? Since you knew about me... or since the conference?”
“No since before, quite a while before actually.”
Nat’s expression was one of concern. “What happened? As I recall you were always good to go, I struggled to keep up sometimes.”
Kara leant back on the bed, taking a deep breath, her arm behind her head. “I don’t know, life maybe.”
“Can I ask you something, and will you answer me honestly?”
“It’s only fair?”
“Am I your first.... dalliance since Vivien?”
Kara snorted. “Dalliance, spoken like an English Professor. Let’s just say it as is it shall we. Have I fucked anyone else since meeting my wife? That’s what you want to know isn’t it, given my alleged player status?”
Natalie nodded, she didn’t think she’d heard Kara as angry since she broke up with her, she was one of the most chilled people she knew.
Kara lay back on her side, calming herself down and looking into Nat’s eyes, stroking her cheek softly, her voice calm. “I told you before Natalie, at the conference and I didn’t lie to you then, so the answer is still no. Not that I haven’t had opportunities, groupies at events, colleagues, friends, but I’ve never been interested, and despite this with you I consider myself monogamous. Look Nat I know this sounds like a cop out, but this doesn’t feel like cheating, it feels like reconnecting. If anything since the conference I feel like I’m being unfaithful to you just by being with Viv. You feel like home.”
Nat smiled. “Spoken like a true lesbian romance author.”
Kara chuckled. “Touché! It’s true though, there’s never been anyone for me like you
Nat. I love you. Before I knew about you I was questioning that I should have come here.... to Dundee.”
“Really, why did you?”
“Because this is Viv’s dream job. She went to similar schools. She wants to ensure kids aren’t just cared for but loved; not just dumped allowing parents to live their lives, like she was. I write, it’s not as though I can’t do that anywhere. Plus, she moved to Scotland to be with me in the first place.”
“Yes, she’s really committed. Lou loves that, it’s obvious she really cares.”
“Louise too.”
“Yes, Louise is from Dumfries, you probably already know that Tom is her uncle. After she graduated the school was short staffed, so she came to assist, just fill in for a few months. Tom’s the only family she still sees, the only one who accepted her sexuality, she wanted to help him. It was meant to be temporary, then, well we met. She loves it now.”
“How long have you been together?”
“Six years.”
“And married?”
“Four.”
“What about before that?”
“Before that?” Nat looked confused. “Ah you mean relationships. Well sorry to disappoint you Lothario, but there’s not been anyone.”
Kara couldn’t hide her surprise. “Seriously, no one between me and Louise?”
“Yes, and before you ask, not even a one-night stand, that’s not me, and given what I asked you, no one since Lou either... until now. I said before that Neil had some problems adjusting. I was a parent overnight, I couldn’t spend my weekends out at clubs looking for a partner, even assuming I was ready for that emotionally, and I wasn’t. He needed stability, not for me to parade a succession of potential step-mothers past him and.... ”
“And what Nat?”
“And I couldn’t forget about you Kara, surely that’s obvious.”
“Until you met Lou?”
“Even then.”