True Beauty

by Shelia E. (Lipsey) Bell

  “So you’re saying you have a child out there somewhere? Envy, with today’s technology, don’t you know that you have a good chance of finding your child?” Kacie advised.

  “No, you don’t understand. I never got the chance to tell anyone. The horrible fact is that I will never see my child. I’ll never know how my baby looked, if it had features like me or Stanton.”

  Kacie stopped Envy again. “Yes, you can. We’ll help you find your child. Won’t we, Layla?”

  Still shocked, Layla could barely answer. “Of…of course.”

  “You can’t help me because my baby is dead. And it’s all my fault.”

  Layla snatched back her hand from lying on top of Envy’s. Kacie leaned back against the back of the booth. “What are you talking about?” asked Layla.

  “A lot of it is still a blur, but I remember it was on a Friday afternoon, at the end of sixth period. I got this urge to use the bathroom really, really bad, so I asked my teacher for a hall pass. She told me I could be dismissed since it was only minutes before class ended, so I hurried off to the bathroom.” Envy spoke with her head down. “From the time I went to the bathroom, all I can really remember is seeing blood-soaked hands against my face. I was terrified and my stomach was cramping so bad. Thank God no one came in the bathroom. I eased up from the toilet, and that’s when I saw—”

  “What did you see?” Kacie asked. Her voice horror-pitched.

  “I saw,” she answered, then paused. “I saw something, something that looked like a rope with a doll attached to it. It looked so strange in the toilet. It was bloody and its skin reminded me of a dark gray sky. You know how it gets dark before a storm? It was that kind of gray. I said to myself that this couldn’t have come out of me. This couldn’t be my baby. But it was. I became so terrified. I couldn’t think clearly. I just remember saying, ‘No, God. Not here, not now.’” Envy started crying, and so did Layla and Kacie.

  “I knew I had to get the rope out of me. I searched in my purse and found some nail clippers, and I . . . I cut the rope. I think I had to tear it too. I don’t know. There was so much blood. The next thing I recall is looking at the ceramic walls of the stall, a sense of claustrophobia came over me, and fear like I’ve never felt before consumed me.”

  “Did you get help?” asked Kacie.

  “I tried with all of my might to gather my senses, but I couldn’t. I listened to see if there was any one else in the bathroom, but there wasn’t, so I hurried out of the stall, leaving my baby in the toilet. I rushed and locked the bathroom door and ran to the sink to clean up the stall and wash as much blood as I could off my hands and uniform. I got so sick that I threw up in the sink. I kept cleaning and scrubbing with paper towels until I got up all traces of the blood. I couldn’t look at the thing in the toilet: I didn’t believe it was a baby. I don’t know what I was thinking at the time. I rushed out of the bathroom and took the side stairs, where I was sure no one would see me.”

  “What happened after that? Did you go to the hospital? Didn’t you call the ambulance to go get your baby?” asked Layla.

  “Don’t you understand? I think my baby was dead. I never heard it cry or make a sound. I couldn’t tell anyone. I was too scared, so I left it there, in the bathroom, skipped seventh period. I walked home so no one could see the blood stains on my clothes. I didn’t call Stanton; I didn’t call anyone. I hid in my bedroom the whole weekend. I still cramped and passed a huge lump of blood later that night that looked almost like another baby. Later I learned that it was probably the placenta. I’ve never been through anything so terrifying. I thought I was going to die. I cried all night. I couldn’t sleep. I can’t tell you why I left my own child. I’ve asked myself that question every single day since then.”

  “What happened after that?” asked Kacie.

  “The next day, there was this article in the Memphis Commercial Appeal, and it was on all of the local news stations. The newspaper said something like a newborn was found dead in a bathroom toilet at Germanside High School. The next week, everybody was talking about it all over the school. Seemed like everyone, including me, was trying to figure who the girl could be and why she would abandon her baby in the bathroom. There were theories about who the girl was, but no one thought of it being me. I was too uppity and far too pretty to be involved in something that was so tragic, or so people thought. My mother asked me if I had any idea who the girl could be. Of course, I told her that I didn’t know anything about it.”

  “Then what happened? Didn’t your mother ask why you were stuck in your room all weekend?” questioned Layla.

  “No, I told her I had a school project. I avoided her as much as possible. Don’t you understand? I was a child myself. I lay across my bed frightened that at any minute the police would come storming inside my room, lead me out in handcuffs and my face would be plastered on every TV screen across America. Everyone would know what a terrible person I was to leave my newborn child alone, in a school toilet, to die. God would never forgive me. No one ever would. To this day, I still can’t forgive myself. I was a mean, wicked, wicked girl, who’s now a mean, wicked woman.”

  Layla’s eyes bulged and her hands slid across the smooth surface of the table. “This is too much to take in right now. I need some time to think.”

  “Think about what?” asked Kacie. “There’s nothing to be done. It’s over with. It happened eighteen years ago. You were fifteen years old, for Christ’s sake. No one ever suspected you, right?” Kacie looked at Envy as if she was desperate for an answer.

  “No. No one ever came; no one ever questioned me. Nothing. I began to feel better physically a few days after the birth; and the bleeding stopped. I called Stanton up one day, and it just so happened that he decided to answer my call. I told him that I lost the baby; he never questioned me about the details and I have not seen or heard from him again. Before I realized it, not only had the school year passed, but it’s like I looked in the mirror one day, and I was a grown woman. Because of what I did, I know it’s the reason I will never be able to have children.”

  “What makes you say that?” asked Kacie.

  “Because back when I was in my twenties, I started having extremely painful periods, so I went to an OB-GYN and asked for a complete workup. The doctor ran a battery of tests. She said I had fibroid tumors. I haven’t been on any contraceptives. I know it; I’m barren.”

  “A lot of women have fibroid tumors, Envy. It doesn’t mean they can’t have children,” said Layla.

  “She’s right, Envy. The doctor should have told you the same thing. Girl, you are not barren.” Kacie waved her hand and shook her head.

  “Whateva, that’s not the issue here anyway. The thing is I’ve relived that day every day for the past eighteen years. I can’t do it anymore. I have to take responsibility for what I did, or should I say, didn’t do.”

  “What do you mean?” asked Kacie. “What are you going to do?”

  Envy looked at her cell phone. “I’m meeting with a lawyer downtown today at two o’clock.”

  “A lawyer, for what?” Kacie further inquired.

  “I’m going to tell him what I did. I’m ready to face the consequences, whatever they may be.”

  “You’re turning yourself in?” Layla spoke up. “Why? You said no one ever found out who the girl was. Why would you drudge up something from your past? We’re talking about eighteen years ago, Envy. That case is long closed. And if you haven’t asked God to forgive you, now is the time. You know He will. But I don’t see any reason for you to go to a lawyer and confess a cr . . . something that happened when you were a child.”

  “I agree with Layla,” responded Kacie.

  “You were just about to say crime, weren’t you, Layla?” remarked Envy.

  “It . . . It wasn’t intentional, and I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “But that’s just it; you’re right. It was a crime, and if it was a crime back then, it’s still a crime today. I’m not going to be able t
o forgive myself until I own up to what I did.” Envy opened her purse, pulled out her wallet, and laid enough money on the table to cover the check for the three of them. “I’ll call y’all and let you know what he said, but right now, I need to go. I don’t want to be late.” Envy eased from the booth, stood, and used her hands to press the skirt of her two-piece gray business suit. She swallowed and then exhaled. “Say a prayer for me,” she said, and then she turned around and walked toward the exit.

  11

  Worry, worry, worry, worry. Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone.

  Attorney Casper Stephens was often described by his colleagues and clients as a brilliant strategist, bold and sometimes controversial, who had a winning record of cases. He listened intently to the fashionably dressed, vividly attractive woman sitting across from him in his luxurious office that commanded a spectacular view of the Mississippi River.

  Envy’s demeanor was reserved, close to being aloof, but Casper found himself drawn to the woman. As he listened to her story, he became even more fascinated with her. Much like he did with all of his clients, Casper tried to insert himself into the set of circumstances that brought her in to see him. This time it was immensely difficult. He did not quite understand why. But the need to visualize her as a fifteen-year-old girl from eighteen years ago, in comparison to the beautiful trappings of the woman she was now, had to be done, if he was going to be able to help her.

  “Now that you’ve heard my story, what do you think?” asked Envy.

  Casper clasped his hands together and rested his elbows on his cherry wood desk. He was not one to rush. Plus, he dared not admit that he was pulled to her like a moth to a flame. He never allowed himself to become entangled with his clients—well, except for one time, and that was ten years ago, when he had just entered into his law profession. The client had been a victim of brutal domestic violence, and he was a young prosecuting attorney. The relationship was doomed to fail from the beginning. Her Asian culture and beliefs that women were often looked upon by Asian men as lower members, and the fact that she had been so poorly mistreated by her ex-husband, did not leave room for her to trust another man. Initially she clung to him like paper to glue, and it was her need to want him around constantly that drew them apart after a short six-month stint.

  “Attorney Stephens—”

  “Yes?”

  “Did you hear anything I said?”

  “Of course. You’ll find that I’m one who, should I say, savors what I’ve heard before I answer. Your story fascinates me. And, please do not misconstrue what I mean.”

  “Can’t promise anything,” was Envy’s response.

  “I simply believe it is a case that I would be interested in accepting.”

  “Thank you.” Envy released a long sigh and nodded.

  “But I would like to ask you something?”

  “Ask away,” she replied.

  “What made you want to rehash the past? I mean, honestly, this is definitely a cold case, filed between a slot in the Cold Case Archives. Next, even if someone came along and decided to reopen it, the statute of limitations is up, unless it was murder, which from what you’ve told me is unlikely. Second, you probably wouldn’t be charged with a crime because of the lack of evidence.”

  Envy twisted her hands together in a nervous fashion and inhaled before she spoke. “That all sounds good, you know, about the statute of limitations and lack of evidence, but I’m not trying to find a way to get away with what I did. There’s no statute of limitations for me. This is something I know deep in my spirit that I have to do. I believe God is pushing me to do it so I can move forward into the rest of my future. I can’t live my best life now if I have the trappings of my past clinging to me,” Envy explained.

  Her sincerity enamored him that much more. At that moment, he knew that he would do everything in his professional power to help her. He used to be a praying man and a criminal defense lawyer. Now Casper Stephens was a criminal defense lawyer only; his prayer life all but gone. He was noted as one of the best attorneys in the Mid-South, but earning his reputation didn’t exactly come by way of him toting a Bible and wearing a cross around his neck. He had to be hard. There were times, on more than one occasion when he knew a client was guilty, but Casper gave his all to assure the client got a fair trial, and the best sentencing or plea deal.

  Envy Wilson was different. He could sense it. Whoever was involved in a relationship with her was definitely a lucky man.

  “I tell you what, “Miss Wilson, give me some time to research your case. No telling how much or how little there is in the Cold Case files on this one.

  “Please.” She paused. “You can call me Envy.”

  “Okay, Envy, I’ll be able to tell you more about the direction we’ll take once I review all the files and evidence.”

  Envy stood up and extended her hand out to Casper. Casper scooted back from his desk and walked around to where Envy stood. He accepted her hand into his and shook it. Her hand felt like mink. He told himself to remain focused on being professional. He definitely did not want to scare her off before he had the opportunity to do everything to set her free.

  “I’ll be waiting for your call,” she told him as he released her hand. Envy turned around and walked to the door. She paused with one hand on the door handle as if she was about to say something.

  Casper had made it by her side and his hand gently rubbed against hers as he opened the door. He was like that toward any woman. His grandmother had raised him. There were two main things she taught him; no drilled into him: to revere God, and always, always treat a woman with the utmost respect.

  Envy’s eyes met his. “Thank you, thank you so much, Mr. Stephens. I have a good feeling about this. I think I’ll be able to have a good night’s sleep for a change, knowing that I’ve taken the step toward making things right in my life.”

  Casper cleared his throat. “Don’t thank me yet. Let’s see what I find first.” He smiled and then stepped aside so she could leave. “Have a good afternoon, Envy.”

  Envy returned his smile and walked away.

  Casper lingered at the door until she disappeared. Once she was out of his sight, he informed his administrative assistant to hold his calls and returned to his office behind closed doors. The story she’d told him was so magnetic that he began to work on it immediately. He had to find out exactly what had happened all those years ago. He contacted the Cold Case Investigations Unit and began his search to either prove if the alluring Envy Wilson was guilty of murdering her baby or just a young, naïve, frightened girl who panicked at the site of the formed human being in the toilet.

  Envy got inside her car and said a prayer. “Father, thank you for giving me the courage to take the first step toward my redemption for the sin I committed against my child and against you. Thank you for Attorney Stephens having an open mind and for him not passing judgment on me. Let your will be done.”

  She remained sitting in her car, in thought. Today felt like a heavy burden was lifted. Now she would have to face the demons of her past, and it terrified her. Leonard’s assigned ringtone intercepted. Initially she started to push Ignore, but instead she instinctively answered.

  “Why are you calling me?” she replied in a low voice.

  “Envy, please do not hang up on me. I know you’re still upset.”

  “No, actually I’m not. After I thought about us, I came to the realization there is no us. You were a friend with benefits. That’s it. So don’t get it twisted. You have every right to be with who you want to be with, and take her where you want to take her. It just took me off guard to see you at church, that’s all. But that did not give you the right to pop up over my house. Maybe you were concerned about me when you saw me rush out of the sanctuary. I’ll give you that much credit, but I had some other things on my mind, which had nothing to do with you. Believe me, Leonard, you give yourself to much credit.”

  “I’m going to ask you again, Envy. When are you g
oing to let me in?”

  “Look, Leonard, I am not going to keep doing the same old thing I did last year, and the year before, and the year before that one, if you get my drift. It’s time for some changes to be made in my life. All of this laying up with you whenever I feel like it; well, it’s not going to happen anymore. Not because of you and some woman, but I’ve got to get things right with God so I can get things right with me.” It was good that Leonard wasn’t sitting across a table from her, because he would be able to see the tears that trickled down her face, and she didn’t want that.

  “See, that’s what I’m talking about. You think it’s all about coming to your place and laying up, but it’s not. I want you to let me into your heart. Give me a chance to love you. I’m almost at the end of my rope here. I believe there can be something special between you and me. Really, if you think about it, there already is. You’ve been involved in my life for over three years. If it was about laying up with you, I could get anyone to do that. But it’s not about that.”

  “I won’t allow you or anyone else in my life, my heart, nowhere in my space, especially at this point in my life. Can’t you see that I’m a wreck, Leonard,” she tearfully admitted.

  “Why don’t you come to see me? So we can talk face-to-face. I can’t close the chapter on us with a snap of my finger. I want to see you one more time. No funny stuff. No trying to get you in bed. None of that.”

  She was filled with a haze of feelings and desires. “Okay, I’ll come. What about six o’clock?”

  “Six is good. I’m finishing up at the office. I will be at home by the time you get there.”

  “Sure, okay.”

  “Envy?”

  “What else is it?” She tried to discipline her voice to maintain complete control.

  “Thanks.”

  Envy listened to the silence infiltrate the phone call. Leonard had hung up. She put the key in the ignition, turned on the car, and then drove off. There was something else she had to do to get things moving forward in her life, and that was to talk to Nikkei.