Surprisingly he comes immediately, I normally have to shout for him multiple times, and even then, he doesn’t come until I’m angry.
“S’up, Sums?” He leans against the doorjamb, his beautiful brown eyes scrolling over my face.
I open my mouth and try to talk but my weak legs start to shake like my hands.
I’m now visibly trembling, and he can see it. He moves to me and grips my elbows. “Are you sick? What’s wrong?”
Fushka.
“Don’t be nice to me,” I demand, placing my hands on his chest. “I had less of a conscience when you were mean.”
His lips twitch. “When am I ever mean to you?”
My lips part. “Are you serious?”
“No, I know I was a bit of a bastard for a while there, but we talked about it and I’m getting better, right?” He looks so hopeful, so boyish and handsome. How can I tell him when he’s looking at me with so much love in his eyes? I’m a horrible person. “Answer me, what’s wrong?”
The word vomit spews forth, “I cheated on you at Maya’s wedding.”
His hands leave my elbows as though they caught fire and burned him.
His eyes, so gorgeous and round, lose all spark of life. “What?”
My chest constricts at the sound of the pain in that one word. “I… I slept with somebody.”
“Slept how?” He pushes his hair back with one hand and grips it so tight I see his forehead stretch. “As in you just slept as in you just did sleeping, or…?”
I shake my head and he turns away from me. I can hear him breathing in the silence between us. He’s composing himself. He does care.
I hate that he does. I almost wish he didn’t.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper as he moves to the counter and grips it with both hands. “I am so sorry, Chris.”
He clears his throat and turns to me, anger in his eyes which leaves room for very little else. “Who was it?”
“Does it matter?”
Nodding, he wets his lips and braces himself with guarded eyes and a set jaw.
I blow out a breath and look away but he steps toward me and growls, “No, you look me in the eyes while you rip my heart from my chest, Summer.”
Tears blur my vision as his words slice through me like a warm knife through butter. I’m bleeding my emotions all over the tiled floor. He can see it. “It was Marie’s brother.”
He nods for the longest time as his breathing remains sharp and steady. Our eyes hold each other’s, and I start to panic as I see anger flare in them even more ferocious than before. Chris has never hit me, never even raised a hand to anybody since I’ve known him, but right now I’m wondering if he wants to. He looks like he wants to strangle the life right out of me and I don’t think I’d stop him.
“I’m so sorry,” I breathe one last time.
Finally, he looks away, but then he speaks and the deep tone of his voice as he speaks chills me to the bone, “You need to go.”
“Chris, I—”
“No. Summer.” He cuts me another look. “I’m leaving for an hour. When I come back, you need to be gone.”
“What?” I squeak and my heart starts hammering in my chest. “But… Chris… can’t we talk?”
“No. You made your choice.” When he walks away without looking back, I can’t breathe. My body becomes wrecked by shame, grief, guilt, pick a number.
Pins and needles flood my veins and I have to physically hold myself up on the counter.
A sob tears its way up my throat, a sob I’m not worthy of.
I make my way to our bedroom slowly, my legs stuck in invisible syrup. It’s my fault, I don’t deserve to stay, but I guess I just thought we’d maybe talk about it a little more. Though he’s right to cut it short and quick, what is there to talk about? I broke my vows, I had sex with another man, a man I have repeatedly fantasized about since that night.
I’m a horrible person, a horrible wife, a whore…
Even though I hate that word and find it degrading to women everywhere, it’s exactly what I am.
I start packing a suitcase in a state of shock, grabbing what I need as quick as my lethargic limbs will allow.
My teeth are chattering, my breath is shaky. I’m on the verge of a breakdown so powerful I struggle to physically stop myself from vomiting by swallowing a hundred times on a dry throat.
I finish packing my suitcase with hands like pebbles in an earthquake, and just as I zip it shut, I hear a gentle female, “Hey.”
At the sight of Maya, my other best friend, I sink to my knees, bury my face in my hands and sob.
“Oh, Sums,” she whispers and drops to hers in front of me. She holds me for the longest time, stroking my back and soothing me. “It’s okay. Let it out.”
“I’m a horrible person.”
“No,” she whispers, rocking us as I cling to her. “You could never be horrible, Summer. You’re just… lacking in the good judgement department.”
I laugh a fraction at that, it’s enough of a boost of emotion to get me to right myself. Our eyes meet, hers a gorgeous shade of violet that shouldn’t exist in humans. “How are you here?”
“Chris called.”
He called because he knew I wouldn’t be able to. Or he called because he needed me out of the house.
I start to sob again, wailing like a child as she continues to rock me and soothe me. “What am I going to do, Maya?”
“You’re going to come with me,” she replies, standing and helping me to my feet. She grabs my suitcase and nods for me to follow. I take one last look at my bedroom, trying not to break down into a fit of sobs again.
“I’m going to be divorced and I’m only twenty-five!”
She doesn’t reply and it’s likely because she agrees or wants to say something that will upset me. Why did he call Maya out of all my friends? The one who was cheated on by her own husband? Sure, they worked it out, but she holds a bitterness toward cheaters.
This sucks.
So fushka bad!
* * *
We arrive at her apartment and I’m led to the spare room. It’s beautiful, well decorated, clean… but it’s not home. A home that might never be my home again.
“Oh my God,” I whisper, fighting the sting of tears in my eyes. “I’m homeless.”
“You’re not homeless,” Maya reassures me. “You know I’d never let it come to that.”
I watch her place my suitcase into the walk-in closet. She turns to me with a sympathetic gaze.
I whisper, “I shouldn’t have told him.”
“He had a right to know.”
“I’ve ruined everything.”
“No,” she replies, coming to sit with me. “I know you, Summer. I know what your relationship has been like and I know you never would have done it if you were happy.”
“That doesn’t make it okay.”
“It doesn’t, you’re right, nothing will. But it’s done.” She tucks my hair behind my ear. “If you want to win him back you’ve got to put the effort in. Call him. Even though he won’t answer. Call him so he knows you still care.”
I grip my phone tight in my hand and nod solemnly.
“I need to pick Evelyn up from daycare.”
“Oh my gosh.” I look at her and finally take in her formal attire. “I pulled you from work, didn’t I? I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, I was done anyway.” She moves to the door. “I love you, Sums. I’ve got you.”
Then she leaves, and I am a mess again.
I look at my phone and check it for messages or calls. There are none.
Scrolling with my thumb, I find Chris’ name and hover over it. I should call, like she said, but what will it change? What will it do but hurt him? He won’t answer, and I don’t want to beg for him back yet. He deserves time to think about what he wants before I start confusing him.
So instead I send a text message.
Summer: I love you. No matter what I’ve done and how you feel about
me, don’t doubt that my choices were my own and not a reflection of anything you did, or how much I love you. I will support whatever decision you make and I’m here when or if you ever want to talk.
I press send and fall back onto the bed.
What I’ve done to him is vile, but Marie and Maya are right, we weren’t in a good place, he wasn’t making me happy. I felt like his mother and no matter what I said or did, it never changed.
Not that it excuses anything at all, but I’m not the only guilty party. I didn’t sign up to that kind of marriage and neither did he.
I’m going to have to get a job again. That sucks.
My whole life is falling apart.
Over one stupid night.
One stupid, earth-melting, body-shattering night.
I’ve never had sex with Chris like that. Ever. It was wild, funny, crazy, powerful…
With Chris it used to be good, but now it’s like he’s forgotten I even have needs. It got to the point where I’d beg him for sex and then it’d be such a quick tryst. Mostly missionary position.
I was craving heat, passion, desire… attention.
It still doesn’t make it right but it is what it is and there’s nothing I can do about it now.
My relationship is over which hurts so badly because I love him so much and I only ever wanted to make him happy. It was always about him. All of the time.
When Maya returns with Evelyn, I make myself useful to keep busy. I take care of the gorgeous, squishy little toddler while Maya sends emails and whatever else she needs. She goes from yelling at somebody on the phone, to laughing hysterically like they’re her new best friend, then she starts yelling again. I’ve never heard her yell. Well, it’s more like a persuasive, slightly aggressive adjustment of the volume of her voice. But I’ve known Maya for years and I’ve never heard her get like that.
Whatever is going on at work is clearly stressing her out. I hope me being here doesn’t add to that stress.
I sit on the floor and Evelyn, a stunning little girl who is the replica of her mother, throws toys at me to play with. It takes my mind off things for a while, long enough for the stress nausea to vanish.
When Maya is done, we sit in a triangle and push an inflatable ball to each other. Clapping and cheering whenever Evelyn stops it.
“Are you sure James won’t mind me staying here?” I ask, rolling the ball to Evelyn.
“He’s fine,” Maya replies with a bright smile. “I promise.”
“Okay, as long as you’re sure…”
“I am. He’s cool. He loves you.”
“Until he finds out what a slut I am.”
She rolls her eyes but her smile remains. “Summer, you’ve slept with maybe three people… you’re hardly a slut.”
“Seven, actually.”
“More than me.” Maya cackles and wags her eyebrows at me. “Maybe you are a slut.”
“Slut,” Evelyn copies and Maya blows out a heavy breath as I cringe.
I pinch the little girl’s round cheek. “We said slide.”
She looks at me dead in the eye and repeats, “Slut.”
I throw up my hands. “See? Even she thinks so.”
Maya laughs like before and pulls her daughter onto her lap. “Love you, Evie-bear.”
“Wuv you, Mama.”
My heart melts and my lower lip trembles. I was supposed to have this. I had the house, the marriage… next comes the baby, right?
Can’t make a baby when you’re not having sex.
“She is just so cute!”
“Until she’s throwing her diaper at you and demanding you wash her butt.”
I laugh genuinely at that visual, having seen it for myself before. “You’re such a great mom, Maya. I don’t know why you were so worried before.”
“I’m not,” she admits, shrugging. “I love her, don’t get me wrong, but a lot of it I do because I have to.”
“That’s not true.”
“No, it is and I’ve made my peace with it. I love having my daughter, but I don’t love how much of my time being a mother consumes.”
At that I wince. “Does this mean no more babies?”
Her smile fades slowly. “James keeps bringing it up, he wants one more but I just… I don’t know.”
“Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. You’ve got lots of time to have babies, Maya.”
“Do you think he’ll leave me if I don’t want more?”
I shake my head. “I think that man loves you and Evelyn more than enough. He’s not going to leave you both to have another kid with another woman, that makes no sense.”
“Maybe I’ll have one more, a boy. He’s an excellent father, Summer. He deserves a brood.”
“Seems to me like Evelyn is enough,” I mutter as she runs along the sofa swinging a rabbit teddy as she goes. She dives off the edge and straight onto her mom’s back who flips the little chubby monster over her shoulder and starts biting her neck. “What am I going to do, Maya?”
“One day at a time, sweet,” she replies, still smiling at Evelyn. “You’ll figure things out.”
“When James cheated on you…”
She raises a brow. We vowed that none of us would ever bring it up again but I feel it’s necessary right now.
“I’m not sorry for saying it,” I rebut. “I just need to know from Chris’ point of view.”
“Summer, that’s… it’s not a simple thing.”
“I know, but give me something. I don’t know what to do. Every time I think I do, my brain jumbles again.”
She pats Evelyn’s butt when the little girl goes flying between us both with her arms outstretched.
“If James hadn’t kept pushing and I hadn’t been pregnant, I would never have gone back.”
I look up at the ceiling and grumble, “I was worried you’d say that.”
“Do you even want to go back? What you did was an act of desperation, what James did… that was an act of pure cruelty and vengeance.”
Speak of the devil, her phone that rests on the rug beside us lights up and James’ face smiles on the screen. She scowls at it.
“This is why we don’t talk about it,” she mumbles, turning her phone onto its face. “It makes me grumpy.”
“If it still affects you after all this time, what hope do I have?”
She reaches over and takes my hand. “I’m here. Whatever happens.”
* * *
Three days pass and no word from Chris, or anyone for that matter. Not even Marie but she’s got the housewarming tonight and I don’t want to put extra pressure on her. I’ll tell her tomorrow. Maybe.
She won’t judge me any more than she already has. To be completely honest I think she’ll be relieved that I told him. My secret was eating at her too.
As I’m applying a thin layer of glossy, dark pink lipstick, my phone rings.
I don’t look at the screen because I’m an utter moron, I just bring it to my ear and say a cheery, “Talk to me.”
“When are you coming for the rest of your things?” Chris asks and my heart stops.
My husband is calling and I didn’t fucking check and I don’t know what to say and I am FREAKING THE FUSHKA OUT! “Chris.”
“Expecting somebody else?”
“No… of course not,” I stammer, and calm myself by taking a deep breath. “I wasn’t thinking and I didn’t check my phone and now you’re here. I mean calling. I mean talking. I… I miss you.”
There’s a long pause, too long, I’ve scared him away.
He finally asks, his tone calm, “When are you coming to get your things?”
“Can we talk? Face to face?”
“I’d rather we didn’t.”
Heart pain. So much heart pain. “Chris…”
“No, Summer. There’s nothing I want to say to you. I got my closure the second you put that image in my head.”
My freshly painted eyes start to water. I’m going to have black streaks all down my face. “But… we
’re married.”
“Married people don’t fuck other people.”
He’s so right that I can’t even try to defend myself.
Before I can say anything else my door swings open and Maya announces, “The car is waiting, you sexy bitch!”
I close my eyes and the tears in them fall down my cheeks.
“Car?” he asks quietly.
“We’re umm…” I start, and Maya mouths an apology before slowly backing out of the room. “Going to Marie and Jacob’s housewarming.”
“You’re kidding?”
“No?” I’m about to ask why when I realize what Mason is to Marie and how this must look. “He’s not going to be there.”
“Right.”
“I’m serious. Marie said he’s on a mission or something.”
He laughs once. “So you’ve asked about him?”
My heart thuds a dramatic rhythm in my chest as panic sets in. “No… yes… I mean—”
The line goes dead and I resist the urge to hit my forehead with it until I bleed.
I try calling him back so I can reassure him but then… reassure him of what? There are so many issues surrounding us right now, my infidelity is just a fraction. A large fraction but a fraction nonetheless.
“Babe?” Maya calls through the door as I right myself, neaten my makeup, and put on a smile.
“I’m coming.”
When I step out of the room, she greets me with a smile and for the most part I return it.
“We good?” she asks, touching my arm.
I nod and mentally put up my happy shield. “We’re good.”
When it comes to it, I’m excellent at hiding my feelings. I shouldn’t be but that’s the gift of a failing marriage. When you’re as ashamed as I was to admit it, you learn to pretend everything is fine.
It wasn’t fine.
Sure, Chris didn’t insult me or abuse me, but he did neglect me. He’d ignore me for hours for his games, his friends, his job. He acted like eating with me for twenty minutes was a chore, and then when we had sex, which was rare, he finished in a few minutes, pulled out and went to clean up. The last time he ate me out was a year ago.
A Little Bit of Guilt: Little Bits #5 Page 2