A Little Bit of Guilt: Little Bits #5

by Murphy, A. E.

  “Yeah, Summer, what the fuck?” Marie chides, smirking. She loves drama. Especially when it’s the drama of others. She’s not like me in that way. Where I shy from conflict and drama, she pulls up a seat and grabs the popcorn.

  I look around, trying to find an excuse to bail. “Where’d Maya go?”

  “To find James.” Loryn frowns at me, her eyes glittering with confusion. “Why was Mason all over you like that?”

  Marie looks at me for permission, I shrug because what’s the point in hiding it anymore?

  Maya suddenly breaks open our little circle, her eyes wide and on me. “Chris is here.”

  I still, Marie’s smile grows, Loryn’s confusion grows, Maya’s sorrow grows.

  “Do we not like Chris now?” Loryn asks.

  I move away from them, my mind a blur, my body numb.

  Where is he?

  I look around the crowds, sidestepping around people until I find him in the kitchen, nursing a bottle of beer, while talking to James and Lucas.

  There’s no sign of Mason thankfully but Chris is definitely present.

  He looks so handsome but also very tense.

  He sees me and his eyes narrow. When he lifts his beer bottle to his lips I notice there’s no wedding band there and have to bite my tongue to stop myself from sobbing. Has he rid his life of me that easily?

  “Chris…”

  His ignorant gaze bores into me. “Not tonight, Summer.”

  Everyone around us shifts with discomfort. Their chatter stops. James gives me a sympathetic smile and Lucas just looks at his shoes.

  I open my mouth to say something, but he turns away from me and scratches his blond stubble. He looks good but then he always looks good. I ironed that black shirt he’s wearing. I always washed, dried, and ironed his clothes before hanging them in his closet. I looked after him, or I tried to.

  How can he dismiss me so easily?

  “Chris,” I try again, hopeful that he’ll turn my way for even a moment.

  When he doesn’t, I pinch my lips together and walk away. Then, when I’m out of his sight, I run away, through the front door, heading straight for the elevator that brought me to this floor.

  “Summer!” Maya calls after me. “Sums… wait!”

  She comes screeching to a halt by my side. I forgot how fast she can run, even in heels. I’m already out of breath.

  “Sums,” she murmurs, gently this time, and pulls me in for a hug.

  “He took off his ring already, Maya.” I bury my face in my hands as the tragedy of my separation fully hits me. “It’s been a week and he’s already taken off his ring.”

  She strokes my back and lets me cry. I hate that I am but the pain I’m feeling just can’t stay inside. All I can think about is him with other women. Giving them everything I didn’t have. Jealousy scours my inside and just makes me even sadder.

  Jealousy I’m not permitted to feel.

  This really sucks.

  “Can I go back to your place?” I ask quietly. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

  Maya nods. “I’ll take you.”

  I’m about to protest and make her stay when Marie rounds the corner with Loryn. “Not without us you won’t.”

  “Marie, it’s your party,” Maya snaps playfully. “You can’t abandon your guests.”

  “Sure, I can.” She loops her arm through mine and Loryn presses the button for the elevator.

  “Where are we going?” Loryn asks and Marie replies with a devilish grin. “I know just the place.”

  Forty minutes later we roll up beside a colorful building, a place that does numerous desserts of all kinds, cookie dough included.

  Cookie dough is my favorite treat. My girls know me well.

  “Come on, ladies, let’s get fat, talk boys, and cry into the wee hours over cake and ice cream,” Marie declares and Loryn shoves me out of the car so she can get out quicker.

  My friends are amazing. Too good for me.

  I don’t know what I’d do without them.

  Ten minutes later when we’ve sat down, ordered, and have explained to Loryn what’s going on, she states, “He only came looking handsome and without his ring to piss you off.”

  Maya nods her agreement, dipping her finger into the cream on the top of my milkshake.

  I’m about to whack her knuckles when Marie does the same.

  “I told you to get shakes,” I snarl, yanking my glass away when Maya reaches again. “I will kill you.”

  They giggle into their own boring drinks.

  “Loryn is right though,” Maya continues. “He knew you’d notice. He’s trying to get you to chase him.”

  My heart drops. “You think?”

  “Definitely. He wants to know that you care. When James cheated on me…”

  Loryn interrupts, “James cheated on you?”

  Maya looks surprised. “Lucas didn’t tell you?”

  She shakes her head. “Not that I can recall.”

  “Oh, yeah, well, it was before Evelyn.”

  “No way,” she whispers, sounding shocked. “If you get cheated on… you. What hope do the rest of us have?”

  Marie pulls a face. “Are you saying Maya is prettier than me?”

  Maya bats her long lashes, looking as smug as she usually does when somebody gives her a compliment. “We all knew it anyway, Marie.”

  Marie flips her off.

  “Lucas won’t cheat on you, Loryn,” I reassure her. “He loves you.”

  “Anywaaaaay.” Maya elongates the word, silencing us all. It isn’t until I reach for my chocolate shake that I realize Marie has taken it. I reach for it again but she slides it away while sucking on the straw like a tiny penis. “As I was saying, when he cheated on me, I hated him, but then at the same time I was also really satisfied knowing he was pining and hurting over me. It’s so twisted.”

  “So you think he wants me back?”

  “I don’t know, but I do know now that he’s hurting and just finding ways to hurt you too.”

  I look at them all. “What do I do, guys? How do I fix this?”

  Marie is the first to speak. “Do you want to fix it?”

  I look away. “I don’t know.”

  “Maybe this is just what you needed to make the decision you’ve been dreading for so long.” Loryn places her hand over mine. I accept her comfort. I need it.

  “Yeah, but until then, stay away from Mason. The last thing you need right now is to get involved with another man when you’re still deciding on your husband.”

  I nod my agreement with that one too. “That man seriously clouds my judgment.”

  “You need to make your choice, Summer, and start moving on. Either make it clear to Chris that you’re done or try to win him back. You’re in limbo and you’ll be stuck there forever if you don’t take control,” Maya dictates but I know she means well. She’s been here before but on Chris’ side, not mine.

  It must be hard for her to stand by me when she’s felt what I’ve put Chris through.

  “You’re right, so right,” I murmur. “I don’t know what I’ll be going back to if I do go back.”

  “A whole lot of nothing from what I remember,” Loryn puts in and Marie nods her agreement.

  “Then you need to talk to him,” Maya adds and tucks my natural red hair behind my ear. “When he’s ready just tell him that you’re done.”

  “That I’m sorry for what I did but I’m not coming back?” I ask and they all nod their agreement. I blow out a breath and twist my wedding band on my finger. “I rushed into it, didn’t I.”

  “No,” Loryn lies as Marie and Maya both chorus an elongated, “Yeeeeessss.”

  Loryn gives them a look and I appreciate the backup. But I also know they’re just being honest.

  “You guys suck,” I mutter. “And it’s not like you can talk, little miss arranged marriage.” I point at Maya and then Marie. “And you’ve only been with Jacob about a year now?”

  “The difference
with us is, I don’t have wedding and baby goggles. I hate that shit, so the fact I want it means I know what I’m doing,” Marie explains and she makes a good point. “You’d been dreaming of your wedding since you were a toddler. So you rushed the first guy you loved to the aisle and it unfortunately hasn’t ended well.”

  Maya nods slowly. “She’s right, and the fact he did it all on the down low, no big dress, just a weekend trip to Vegas without your parents was a massive red flag to me.”

  Marie sighs heavily. “He only married you to keep you, Summer. He knew how much you wanted it.”

  They’re so right and I hate that.

  He didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and I just wanted to be married. I was devastated when he said my girls couldn’t be there, but I was just so happy that we were taking that step I didn’t argue. I’m such a fucking idiot.

  I mean… fushka idiot.

  I look at my friends sadly. “At least I kind of know where I’m at now.”

  “Exactly, and you’ve got us to help you get through it,” Maya assures me and then takes my drink from Marie so she can drink the rest of it.

  “You’re both shake-stealing bitches.”

  Maya smacks her lips and pats her belly. “Where’s that lady with my cookie dough?”

  I narrow my eyes, feigning annoyance. “You didn’t order cookie dough. You ordered ice cream.”

  “I amend my prior question.” She clears her throat. “Where’s that lady with your cookie dough?”

  “I was just wondering the same thing,” Marie jests, spinning the drinks menu between her finger and the table top.

  “You both always do this! You always order boring shit and then eat mine! Not today, you scavenging whore bags.”

  “You’re all insane,” Loryn mumbles, her eyes bright with amusement.

  “I completely agree.”

  Less than ten minutes later I’m smiling as they dip their spoons into my cookie dough.

  Two hours later, after cocktails in a nearby bar and a lot of love and hugs, I head back to Maya’s and start looking for a new job.

  It’s three more days before I pluck up the courage to get the rest of my things from Chris’ house.

  Not my house… not our house. His house.

  It’s so hard, turning my key in the lock for what could be the final time.

  He won’t talk to me, won’t answer my calls or texts pleading with him to sit down with me for ten minutes. It’s so hard to not break down every time he doesn’t answer.

  I just want to be loved by him so badly but what’s done is done.

  I texted him this morning letting him know I’m coming but he didn’t reply. I think Maya might have been wrong about his reasons for attending the party.

  He doesn’t care, not at all.

  We move around the house quietly. Packing some of my things into boxes. I’m not petty enough to leave him without the things he needs so I just take what’s essential.

  When we’re done, I leave a note on the desk by the door explaining that I couldn’t take everything today and then I silently slip into Maya’s car.

  Tears fall from my eyes as the house gets smaller and smaller as we travel further and further away.

  I remember picking out this house and begging Chris to get it. We can afford it, I’d said. On his wage alone which would mean I could raise our kids. It’s not that I don’t like working. I had a part-time job until a few months ago, but it seemed pointless working when I was looking to start a family and had a house to keep. I’d be perfect in the fifties with a good husband. I love the idea of being a stay-at-home mother.

  Chris didn’t seem to mind either way. Thinking back, he didn’t seem to care much about anything to do with me. He just wanted to keep me quiet.

  We weren’t rich by any means, but we had enough to live by.

  He didn’t want it. He wanted a tiny apartment in the city for the same price. He said we’d start a family after a few years and get a house then, but my mom and his mom talked him into it.

  Happy wife happy life.

  But he wasn’t happy and then I made him even less so.

  What makes this entire thing even worse is that it’s my birthday in a week and I’m not going to be able to celebrate because I have no money, I need to find a job, and I have a place to save up for.

  On the plus side I have two callbacks from different departments in my local hospital. I’ll be going for interviews on Monday and Tuesday next week. I am so excited.

  This will be a new chapter for me, a new journey.

  But what about Chris? I wish he’d call. I still care about him and worry, even if he hates me. I’ve asked James to keep an eye on him but whether he will or not isn’t up to me.

  As for Maya, even though her apartment is massive, I know I’m getting under her feet. I’m trying to be helpful with Evelyn, but she’s taken care of for the most part.

  Maya would never kick me out but I know she’s eager for me to leave on my own.

  She’s been so good to me already; I don’t want her to think I’m taking advantage, so I often make myself scarce. Today I’m heading to see Marie and Loryn at work.

  When I get there, Marie is busy with a client and Loryn is in the middle of cutting Amelia’s hair.

  Amelia is Lucas’ daughter from his past marriage. It’s a tragic tale what happened to him and his family.

  “Is that what happened?” Loryn asks, spraying Amelia’s hair with a little bit of water from a dark blue bottle. It smells sweet.

  “Yeah, and he said that I have knobbly knees!” Amelia looks adorably outraged. “But he smells like onions all of the time so who is he to judge?”

  This kid is six, I think, and she talks like a grown-up with a bit of a lisp due to her front missing teeth and a slur due to her being so young and unable to form her words right.

  “And what did you do?” Loryn asks, her tone warning.

  “I shoved him into the dirt.”

  “Amelia,” she chastises, “we can’t just hit everyone who calls us a bad name.”

  “Why not?” I mumble, wishing I’d had the courage to do such a thing as a bullied child.

  Loryn shoots me a look that is basically asking me to help her out. I do no such thing. I’m with the kid on this one.

  “So that’s why you got the yellow card?”

  “He said I had knobbly knees!”

  “Alright, little madam, watch your tone,” Loryn chides, snipping away the ends of her hair. “We get it, you can look after yourself.”

  “I make my own choices,” Amelia declares and I have to stifle my laughter in my fist. I cover it with a cough and look away at Loryn’s staff member.

  What is his name? Why do I always forget his name?

  Toddy? Timothy? GAH!

  “Toby,” Loryn calls to the man flicking through a magazine on the desk.

  That’s it! Toby.

  “Hmm?” He looks up with a curious brow raised.

  “Do we have any of the washout kiddie dye left?”

  Toby’s smile becomes one of mischief when Amelia’s head whips round to look at him. Her features are surprised and excited.

  “We have just one, but I was saving it for a little boy or girl who is behaving themselves,” he replies, and strides across the room. He pulls a random bottle of pink stuff out of the cupboard and waves it at her. “There it is!”

  “My hair will be pink?” Amelia asks, trembling with excitement.

  “If you behave yourself, I’ll turn your hair pink for your birthday,” Loryn agrees and then looks at me when Amelia squeals and throws her hands in the air. “You don’t approve?”

  “Oh, me? I love color in hair.” I point to my own hair. “I’m just over here wondering what Lucas is going to say to that.”

  Loryn shrugs. “She’s my kid too. Not every choice gets to be his.”

  I love that she’s taken Amelia on as her own. That’s how it’s supposed to be in relationships with kids. Those ki
ds become your kids by default, and you love them as such.

  “Awww!” I move to her and hug her until she can’t breathe.

  Marie enters the salon to see off a client and when she sees us she puts her fingers down her throat and pretends to vomit.

  “Grow a heart!”

  “Bite me.”

  I sit back on the seat as Loryn finishes Amelia’s hair, and spin in it a few times. The salon becomes a blur around me and dizziness kicks in but I keep going, using my foot on the floor to propel myself.

  So when the salon door opens, jingling the little bell above the door, and Mason walks in behind an accosted-looking Jacob, I fall from the chair and onto the floor in a bid to stop the spinning. Maybe slamming my foot down so suddenly and not lifting it to give a little leeway was a bad idea.

  “Oh my God,” I squeak, remaining on the floor and covering my face with my hands. “Why does this keep happening to me?”

  “Falling at my feet, just the way I like it,” Mason jests as laughter surrounds me. Everyone is howling. Even Amelia.

  “You fell over!” Amelia declares with a finger pointing at me as though nobody has noticed.

  “I hate my life,” I grumble into my hands as my cheeks flame with embarrassment. I’m not hurt, just embarrassed.

  This sucks.

  “Come on, stumbler.” He takes my hand and I use his strength as leverage to stand. When I’m on my feet he yanks just a little bit too hard and I collide with his chest.

  “You did that on purpose,” I snap, smiling up at him with cheeks pink from the embarrassment.

  I hold his eyes and for a moment I lose myself. He’s so handsome and his eyes are so penetrating.

  “What can I do for you both?” Loryn asks as Marie sucks Jacob’s face over by the door that leads to the studio. She pulls the handle and it clicks open as Mason and I separate. When they slip inside I notice somebody with a camera at the window and quickly move to close the horizontal blinds.

  It’s a hazard that follows Jacob everywhere what with him being a celebrity. It’s not his fault and for the most part we ignore it. It can be quite awkward though. Especially when we try to do normal things together and people keep bothering him for autographs and photos.