A Little Bit of Guilt: Little Bits #5

by Murphy, A. E.

  Deep breath, exhale, and speak. “Mason, I’m pregnant.”

  He suddenly tenses, his body going stiff as a board against mine. “Is it contagious?”

  I lean back. “What?”

  “I mean… sorry… I didn’t know what to say.” He pulls my cheek into his shoulder, squeezing me tight and then he starts petting my head like an animal. “There, there.”

  “What? No… Mase.” I push him off me and he goes back a step, looking adorably bewildered. “I’m pregnant and it’s yours.”

  He stares at me, his familiar gray eyes now frozen. I’m not sure he’s breathing. He certainly isn’t moving.

  He finally croaks, “Like… the cat is?”

  I frown and fight a laugh. “What? No… I have a baby in here.” I prod my stomach. “And I got it from there.” I point at his penis. “Are you registering any of this?”

  He gulps heavily, his throat bobs with it and his lips vanish behind his teeth.

  “Can guys get morning sickness?” He turns and heaves over the deck, nothing comes up but he makes a puking noise that sounds realistic. “I’m gonna vomit. Nope. Don’t feel good at all.” Blowing out a breath he tries to look at me over his shoulder but heaves again.

  “This is really how you’re taking the news?”

  He raises a finger, signaling that he needs a minute. I can’t blame him for his reaction, it’s a perfectly reasonable reaction. At least he’s not mad at me.

  After a few more seconds he calms himself and looks at me. We stare at each other for the longest time, he looks as terrified as I did when I found out. I wrap my arms around myself to protect myself from his scrutiny.

  “There’s no way it’s Chris’?”

  I shake my head. “I got my period a week before you and I had sex that time. Besides, Chris and I haven’t really had sex since… well… since before the wedding in April. Well, not good sex anyway. There was a couple of… but nothing that lasted longer than a minute… not that you need to know that. Nothing newsworthy.” I’m rambling, I sound like a moron.

  “Now I feel less sorry for fucking you,” he grumbles, trying to joke as the heels of his palms rub his eyes. “Are we keeping it?”

  I notice how he says we, that makes me feel more united, as opposed to are you keeping it.

  I hesitate and chew on my lip. “I don’t know. I just know if we keep it I can’t do it by myself. I don’t have health insurance, a home, a career…”

  “So basically, we keep the kid, I gotta keep you too?”

  My jaw hits the floor. “Wow, what a shitty question.”

  “I didn’t mean it how it sounded, I’m just weighing up my options here.”

  His options? I grit my teeth. “I’ve been thinking about going to med school. I can’t do that if I don’t have childcare and funds for the baby.”

  He blows a raspberry. “I don’t know what to do, Summer.”

  “Me neither, but I figure we’ve got to make this decision together seeing as it’s gonna affect both of us.”

  He scratches his head, still looking bewildered and terrified. “You’re sure?”

  “Pretty sure.”

  He turns as though about to heave again. I wait a moment, sipping the drink I ordered before he arrived. I wish it had vodka in it.

  “Okay,” he breathes, looking at me again, a deep frown set on his face. “I spend at least seven months of the year away and I’m too fucking immature to have a kid. I’m twenty-five. I eat Chinese from three days ago for breakfast. I don’t match my socks most days. I only just figured out a vacuum cleaner. My sister comes and cleans up after me because I’m fucking useless. I’m not dad material.”

  “Should have thought about that before you had unprotected sex.”

  “Hey,” he barks, glaring at me. “I thought we were protected. You didn’t tell me I needed to use a condom.”

  “Oh, so that falls onto me, right?”

  “Yeah, seeing as you were on the pill the first time we had sex at Maya’s wedding!”

  He has a point. “Right…” Fuck, he really does have a point. “Okay, yeah, you’re right. Sorry. But still… it happened. Here we are. Now what do we do?”

  “I don’t know, Summer. That’s not an easy question to answer.” He grimaces and looks at me with concern. “Are you okay? Can’t imagine this is a happy time for you?”

  I shake my head. “I’m shit actually.”

  He opens his arms. “Do you need a Mason mauling?”

  “No, I need a Mason answer.”

  “Right.” His arms drop to his side. “I don’t know what to do, Summer. I’m not… I’m shit at the exclusive thing. I like you, you know I do, but I’m not ready to have a baby with you. I’m not ready to have a baby with anyone.”

  That stings a little. I wasn’t expecting some declaration of love but I guess I was hoping for a little more than, I can’t promise you I won’t fuck anybody else. “You think I am? Look at me. I don’t have anything. I’m living with my parents, my girls hate me…”

  “They don’t hate you. They’re really fucking worried about you actually. That’s why I came down so fast.”

  My lower lip trembles and I ignore his last comment and continue, “I was kind of hoping you’d just give me an answer and I’d make my decision based on that.”

  “I’m not going to be the type of asshole that tells you to get an abortion, Summer. If that’s what you mean.”

  I wince, because I understand the meaning behind what he’s saying, even though he’s not saying it. “That’s what you want though, isn’t it?”

  “I’m not ready to be a dad.”

  “Me neither.”

  His lips twitch. “Yeah, you wouldn’t suit a beard.”

  I snort, despite the circumstances, and smack his arm. “You’re not funny.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” He locks his hands behind his head. “Do you have a side you’re leaning more toward?”

  I nod sadly. “Termination probably. It’s just not the right timing.”

  “It never is. We could… I dunno… if you wanted to keep the thing, we could probably figure it out.”

  I feel a flutter of hope in my chest. “You think so?”

  “Yeah, I could put you both on my health insurance, we could maybe try living together or something? I’m back for a while at Christmas so I don’t know. It’s an option. Not an ideal one but I reckon we could work it out.”

  “There’s always adoption?” I suggest.

  He shakes his head. “I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel handing my kid over to somebody else. I guess I’m selfish.”

  “No, I totally get you.”

  “It’d be a nice thing though, giving it to a family who can’t conceive.”

  “Yeah, seeing Loryn struggle with fertility has really made the abortion option seem so selfish.”

  He takes my hand in his. “You’ve got to base your decision on how it’s going to affect you. You can’t base it on anyone else.”

  “Except you.”

  “I appreciate you came to me at all, kind of… well, no, actually I kind of wish I didn’t know.” His eyes crease at the corners so I know he’s joking. He taps his fingers on the table and motions for me to sit. “I tell you what, I’ll buy us a couple of steaks, we’ll eat, we’ll spend some time together and see if we can’t work this out. Have you been in touch with a doctor?”

  I shake my head and my hair falls into my eyes. “Nobody yet.”

  “Okay, well, I’m leaving in a couple of weeks give or take, I hate that I’m leaving you. But I don’t have a choice as you know.”

  “I’m lucky I caught you at all, really.” Then I add, “I’m lucky you came.”

  He brings my hand to his lips. “Always, Summer. I’m not as big an asshole as you might think. I care about you.”

  “So, we’re having a termination,” I whisper, looking at my glass as I let the truth of the situation settle in the pit of my stomach and the gaping hole in
my chest.

  “Is that what you want?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “It’s what’s best for both of us.”

  “I don’t know what to say to make it better. Do you want me to be there? I’ll be there, if you can get an appointment before I leave?” He rubs his thumb on the underside of my wrist. “I’ll pay for it too, whatever you need.”

  Despite the fact he’s said this is my choice I sense an urgency to his voice that is telling me that’s the choice he really wants me to make.

  “I’d appreciate the financial help,” I admit, feeling tacky and weak. “But you don’t have to be there.”

  “You need somebody there, what about the girls?”

  “They hate me.”

  “They don’t—”

  “And it seems cruel telling Loryn I’m about to get rid of a baby when she’s desperate for one, and would Marie want me to expel her niece or nephew from my body? Maya would probably be the only one who would understand but I basically told her husband she cheated when she didn’t so…”

  “They’re over all that shit now, Summer. They talked it out and the truth was discovered. James punched Lucas in the face and now they’re best buds again.” He reaches over the table to tuck my hair behind my ear. “They’re worried about you. You should call them. Talk to them.”

  “You want me to tell them?”

  He sits back and sighs. “I’m not sure I want anyone to know, but it’d be selfish of me to tell you to keep it to yourself so that I don’t look like a massive dick getting girls pregnant and not putting a ring on her finger.”

  I wet my lips and sip more of my drink. “I don’t know if I’ll tell them, but I do want to make friends with them.”

  “Good.”

  True to his word he orders us a couple of mouthwatering steaks cooked to perfection and acts as though everything is as it was between us. We change the subject despite the lingering sadness between us.

  “Are you looking forward to going away?” I ask him as his booted foot rubs along my calf.

  “Nervous,” he admits. “The task force I’m on gets into some real messy shit. I never know how these things are gonna go. I’ve just got to follow my sergeant and hope he doesn’t steer our platoon wrong.”

  “Is he good at his job?”

  “The best. I have faith in him, but we’re all human and make mistakes.”

  The thought of him not coming back home at all has me grasping his arm with desperation. “Be safe, Mason. Promise me.”

  “I promise.” He winks at me and then shuffles his chair closer so he can kiss me. I accept it willingly, tilting my head back so he can deepen it. I’ve missed how he tastes. Even though we never had anything serious, he’s still special to me and the baby just further deepens our bond. On my side anyway. I don’t know how he feels.

  His soft eyes roam over my face when we part and he says gently, “All things considered; I’ve had an amazing time with you.”

  “Me too, Mason. I’m sorry my body got ahead of us.”

  He kisses my cheeks, making my cold skin warm, and then my lips again. “You’re a great woman, Summer. I’ll support you whatever you decide to do.”

  Will he though? How many men have said that to women over time? Would he really be okay with me keeping a child he clearly doesn’t want, saddling him to a life where he’d have to pay child support and sacrifice his weeks or weekends, depending on how much time he’d want with his child, that’s if he’d want any?

  The thought of him not loving our child enough to be there terrifies me. I had such an amazing childhood, I want that for my child too.

  And then there’s the dreaded question, what if he doesn’t come home at all?

  Termination is what’s best for both of us. This is such a difficult situation. It wouldn’t be fair on a child bringing it into this mess.

  I look at Maya’s social media account. There are new pictures from Saturday night. Pictures of Maya, Marie, Loryn, Lucas, James, Jacob, all dancing together like they don’t remember me at all.

  There are two other people too, another couple, a deliriously handsome man with jet-black hair and olive skin. He has his arms wrapped around a stunning woman who has a body I would kill for. She has a tiny waist and tits that aren’t too big, and a round ass too. They’re called Elijah and Olivia. He’s some kind of British duke. They moved to America to do business with Maya and James a couple of months ago, a few weeks after the wedding, I think.

  I met Olivia once, she’s quite shy, likes to just sit back and watch, doesn’t really talk unless spoken too. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. We can’t all be loud-mouth bitches.

  I stuff down the jealousy I feel that another girl is in my place and open Messenger. This is the first time I’ve signed in since I ran away.

  My inbox is full of messages and it makes me feel a little bit better. Especially when I see exclamation marks from Marie, question marks from Maya, and plenty of friendly updates from Loryn, no anger from her, just concern and apologies for Lucas’ behavior.

  With shaking fingers and a trembling lower jaw, I read through them. They start out angry, cussing me out for what I did, shouting at me for not taking their calls, but then they become concerned and beg me to call them.

  Marie has messaged me almost every day. Her last one being this morning calling me an ignorant cunt. I laugh through my tears at that one. Maybe they don’t hate me after all.

  They’ve been my girls since freshman year in college and we’ve been inseparable ever since. I think it’s been harder losing them than it has my own husband. Such a sad thought.

  Summer: I know y’all are mad at me and I know you probably hate me, but I really need you right now. I don’t have anyone else.

  Maya: Where you at?

  Marie: On my way.

  Loryn: Somebody pick me up.

  Summer: :’-( I’m all the way in New Jersey at my folks’.

  Loryn: We could totally get there in an hour if Marie drives.

  Maya: You tryna say I’m a slow driver?

  Loryn: No, just that Marie is a psychotic one.

  Marie: I made Jacob pee in his pants a little bit in the Maserati. He doesn’t let me drive it anymore.

  I laugh out loud for real for the first since I left them all. Why did I ever doubt them?

  Summer: Poor Jacob.

  Loryn: I’m actually LOLING right now.

  Marie: Please don’t ever say LOLING again. Ever. We are not fourteen.

  Maya: Speak for yourself, Marie.

  Loryn: IS ANYBODY COMING TO PICK ME UP???

  Maya: I’m booking a chopper.

  Marie: OMG NO… not a fucking chance in holy hell am I getting in one of those spinny-bladed death traps. Nuh-uh.

  Maya: Summer needs us.

  Marie: Ugh. Whyyyyyy meeeeeeee?

  Loryn: I’m filming this.

  Summer: I missed you guys. It’s been rough without you.

  Marie: Dude, you have no idea. It’s been all drama this end. So much fun.

  Maya: Marie, you’re such a dick. It’s hasn’t been fun.

  Loryn: It kinda has. Lucas likes to get frisky when he’s in a bad mood. He’s constantly in a bad mood.

  Marie: Now I’m horny.

  Loryn: Me too.

  Maya: Marie, get Loryn and bring her to the helipad.

  Marie: Ugh… Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy meeeeee??????

  Loryn: Because Summer needs us!

  Maya: Exactly. You still there, Summer?

  Summer: I’m here. Just having a mental breakdown without you.

  Maya: You heard her, ladies! Let’s chop to it.

  Maya: Get it?

  Maya: CHOP to it… because chopper…

  Marie: We got it, Maya.

  Loryn: Fucking LOLING!

  Marie: I will lol you face with my fist, Loryn.

  Maya: Now I’m definitely turned on.

  Summer: Yeah, me too.

  Marie: Guard your legs, ladies. Lest yee be dr
y-humped.

  I send a middle finger emoticon and sit back with my phone.

  “You look happy,” Mom comments as I braid my hair.

  “My girls are coming.”

  She blanches and looks around the house. “I’m not ready for visitors. The place is a mess.”

  “I’m meeting them out, Mom. We’ve got things to talk about.”

  She looks disappointed and now I feel bad.

  “Mom, I promise you can come with us next time?”

  “Oh no, that’s not why I looked sad,” she explains, her green-hazel eyes that mirror my own sparkle with amusement. “It’s because you working things out with your friends means you’ll be leaving again. I just got used to having you back.”

  “Don’t speak too soon,” I say, reaching over to squeeze her soft hand. “They might not want me.”

  “They’re travelling to see you at the drop of a hat, of course they want you.”

  It has been a week since Mason came and I told him the truth, and six days since he transferred money to my account, and I made the appointment.

  The day before yesterday I saw a new ob-gyn to get confirmation of pregnancy. For some reason I couldn’t book the appointment for the sonogram and abortion without confirmation. She booked me the appointment for a sonogram which is in another two days. Unfortunately, I have to have it to determine how far along I am and then I get to do the deed.

  I kind of wished they would just give me a pill to take at the first appointment so I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this.

  As horrible as that sounds, it’s the waiting that is killing me.

  Every time I think about it I get teary eyed.

  I’m surprised though that Mason has called me every day since he left, checking in to see if I need anything. It’s so sweet despite the circumstances and as always he keeps me smiling with his contagious silly humor and laughter. He’s like a child in a man’s body, but in a fun way, not in the sense that he doesn’t work hard and just sits playing on computer games all day. Like Chris used to.

  I put the appointment with the ob-gyn on my prior insurance that I have with Chris, so I might not have to use Mason’s money at all. I haven’t brought this up with Mason yet but I will if it comes to that. I wouldn’t take a penny from Chris now but using his insurance won’t make a difference to him, and it’s all anonymous, I think. Either way, it makes no difference.