“I’m pregnant,” I reply gently and his entire being freezes, his eyes hold mine but they’re vacant, his body becomes cement and I don’t feel his breath on my lips for a really long time. “Chris?”
“It’s his?” His voice is little more than a breath.
“Yes,” I reply just as quietly.
He closes his eyes, guarding his anguish, and when they reopen, he steps away from me. “I guess that’s that then.”
“I’m sorry, Chris.”
“Would it have been different?” His voice is heady with emotion as he moves to the breakfast bar and grips it. “If you hadn’t been pregnant?”
“I don’t know,” I murmur. “I doubt it.”
He suddenly drops his head forward and buries his face in is forearms. I stay where I am, my back against the refrigerator. That is until his shoulders begin to shake.
Oh my God.
He’s crying.
“Chris,” I breathe and move to him. My hand touches his shoulder until he turns, his eyes red-rimmed. He buries his face in my neck, wrapping his arms around my body and holds me tightly. So tightly I can hardly breathe.
“Summer… I don’t know… I don’t know how to do this without you,” he cries, nuzzling my neck.
“You deserve so much better than me,” I reply, equally as upset as he is. “So much better.”
“I love you. I didn’t realize how much until you were already gone. I kept thinking Mason would fuck up and you’d come back. I shouldn’t have listened to anybody else. I should have gone after you like I wanted to.”
“Chris, I’m the one who should have come after you. You shouldn’t still be hung up on me like this. I’m not worth it.”
“You think that…” He pulls back to look at me, unashamed of the tears that are pouring down his cheeks. He wipes at them with the crook of his arm leaving a shimmering wetness on his golden skin. “Because that’s how I made you feel. I made you feel worthless, didn’t I?”
“It doesn’t matter what happened between us anymore. We’ve got to move on.”
“I don’t want to.” He cups my face in his hands. “I don’t want to fucking move on. I married you because you’re my forever.”
I place my hand on my stomach between us. “This says different. Chris, you’re just upset. You don’t want to be stuck raising another man’s baby.”
He presses his forehead against mine again and sniffs, finally composing himself. “It wouldn’t be fair of me either.”
“I’m so sorry. I hate that I’ve done this to you.”
“I hate that I’ve done this to you too.” He suddenly lunges forward, capturing my lips in a sealed-mouth kiss. His hand goes to the back of my head to hold me in place until he releases me.
I’m startled to say the least. My hand that was on my stomach is now on my lips. “Don’t do that.”
I squeak when he lifts me onto the breakfast counter. I have no choice but to sit.
My head, now slightly higher than his is yanked down and I feel his lips on mine again. For a moment I consider it. It would be so easy to fall back into old habits with him. Getting to kiss him any time I want.
But he’s not where my heart is at anymore.
“Stop!” I demand, shoving him back and scooting off the counter. “I should go.”
“Sums…”
“No.”
“Please.”
“NO!”
His lips pinch together as I walk to the door, wishing I’d listened to Mason and not bothered to come at all. “So you can cheat on me with him, but not the other way around?”
“Is that what this is? Some sick battle over still being able to bed me?” I snarl, angry now and no longer feeling sorry for him. When he doesn’t reply I stalk away, grumbling under my breath.
“Summer, please, I’m sorry. I didn’t…”
I turn to face him when I reach the door, my eyes blurring with tears. “I thought we might be able to start a new friendship and get through this divorce without hating each other. But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.”
He doesn’t reply, nor does he come after me, and I walk two hours home, needing to clear my head before entering my new home, with a new man. A man who I’m not going to fuck around. A man who I will treasure, despite the heartbreak I’ve felt and the fear I feel that he’ll leave me.
I call Marie on the way.
“Chris wants to get back together.” I sniff.
“Oh shit,” she replies. “And? What are you gonna do?”
“I’m not going back, Marie. I don’t love him anymore like that.”
She smiles, I can hear it in her voice as she says, “That’s my girl.”
“How much longer until your brother comes home?”
“Not long enough,” she jests, and I huff in response. “It’ll fly by. You’ll see.”
“Am I making the right decision?”
“I don’t know, babe, for your sake I hope so.”
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Picture as promised :D
So as you can probably see, I have attached today’s photo. No development in the bump area, but nausea has kicked in. I spent 4 a.m. until 1 p.m. leaning over the toilet vomiting. It’s been two hours and there has been a slight improvement, I managed to keep some toast down. I wanted to send you a really sexy email but it’s hard to be sexy and pukey at the same time.
I did a bit of cleaning and I found a box of cookies from 2014… just checking to make sure they aren’t sentimental before I throw them in the trash.
I miss you. Is that weird?
It’s Summer by the way if you hadn’t already guessed. I’m sorry I didn’t email yesterday. I figured what was the point after the hour-long phone call we had.
I still can’t believe I’m nine weeks pregnant, well seven if you don’t count the two weeks they add on. How crazy is that?
* * *
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Hot damn, baby, you look fiiiiine – even as pukey as you are
Sorry about the puking. Sounds rough. Wish I could be there to rub your back and force you to drink water.
The cookies can go in the trash. I haven’t emptied those cupboards since I moved in so I take no credit for anything you find. That’s all on Marie. Trampy bitch that she is.
I can’t believe it either. 9 weeks down, 31 to go. Although twins usually come early so it’ll be less than that. Maybe. I hope not. I hope they cook until the very last second.
I MISS YOU MORE.
No… seriously… I miss that cotton candy-smelling stuff you spray on your side of the bed every night. Miss smelling it when I wake up and your body is all over mine.
Wish these three months would be done already and it’s only been thirty hours.
I’ll call you later. Don’t wait up though. You need your rest.
* * *
Like hell I won’t stay up and wait for his call. It’s what I’ve been looking forward to all day. I’m giddy that he bothered to email me too. It’s sweet that he’s thinking about me.
On shaky legs I pad into the kitchen and force myself to eat a banana. I’m not feeling great but that’s to be expected. Apparently, sickness can last up to the sixteenth week. Not good.
As I’m putting the peel into the trash my phone vibrates.
I almost choke on a mouthful of banana when I see who it is.
Chris: I’d really like to have a conversation about the divorce terms. Maybe we can settle this outside of court?
Summer: Will you try to shove your tongue down my throat again?
Chris: No promises.
Chris: Kissing…
Is he serious right now?
Chris: I meant KIDDING!
Chris: I was trying to be funny. Auto failed me.
Summer: Okay, I suppose we can talk at a café or something?
Chris: That would be great. Are y
ou free Sunday again? I have the day off.
Summer: Sunday is fine, but if you could come closer to me this time, I’d appreciate it. You drive, I don’t have a car right now.
Chris: No problem. Just tell me the place and should we say at about noon?
Summer: 2 p.m. would be better. I’m pretty sure my morning sickness will be gone by then.
Chris: Sorry to hear you’re suffering.
Summer: It is to be expected.
Chris: How far along are you?
Summer: 9 weeks.
I deeply breathe to help push through another bout of nausea. This is really rough. I don’t know if I’ll be able to deal with this for another seven weeks.
My phone rings and Chris’ name lights up the screen. I hover my thumb over the red icon to end the call but instead tap the green one and put it to my ear.
“Nine weeks? Either you were continuing your affair before you left or there’s every chance you could be pregnant with my kid, Summer, something you failed to mention yesterday.”
Here we go again. “I don’t much care for your tone.”
“I don’t much care for the fact I’m only now discovering your pregnancy date links up near exactly to the last time we had sex, which if I remember rightly was the day before you broke my fucking heart.” He’s aggravated, rightfully so.
“I wasn’t carrying on an affair. It was never an affair. It was one night. I slept with Mason around a week after I left. Something I didn’t want to tell you about because I don’t want to hurt you,” I explain, moving into the bathroom and looking at my sallow reflection in the mirror. I look like hell. Mason picked the perfect time to leave. At least he won’t see me looking so awful.
Chris is silent but he’s there, I can hear him breathing slowly, steadily, as though trying to calm myself. “So there’s still a chance?”
“No, I took my pill the day we had sex.”
“But not the day after?”
“Chris…”
“No, think about it. Sperm lives in the womb for seven fucking days, Summer. If you had sex with him a week after me, there is every chance that the baby could be mine. We didn’t use protection.”
I balk and grip the basin with my free hand. “Seven days? Are you sure?” Oh that is not good news. I didn’t know it worked like that. I just thought they swam up, found an empty womb and died a couple of hours later!
“Yes, I’m sure. How don’t you know this?”
“Oh my God, I’m gonna puke. Excuse me.” I drop my phone in the sink and race to the toilet to vomit up the banana I ate. Not a pleasant taste but not a horrific one either.
After a moment I flush and return to my phone. “Sorry… I need to brush my teeth. Can we talk later?”
“I’m not hanging up this fucking phone until after we’ve spoken.”
“You just heard me puking, right? I am not feeling great right now,” I snap, not needing this situation. I’m not in a good mood. “And you know I loathe hanging up on people. It’s rude. So can we please…?”
“Look, maybe I’m grasping at straws here, but I deserve to know if there’s a chance I’m the father.” He pauses and I close my eyes. This is a fucking mess. “Can you honestly tell me, with one hundred percent certainty that this baby is not mine?”
What a fucking question that is.
I don’t respond, I stammer around an answer and the silence stretches on his end.
“There’s a chance isn’t there? Does Mason know this?”
“I have to go.” I disconnect and grab my toothbrush before aggressively brushing my teeth and gums.
Chris: I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like my entire future rests on the paternity of this child.
Summer: It’s not yours, Chris. Trust me. I know it’s not. Please stop.
Chris: I don’t believe you. You couldn’t say for definite.
Summer: I’m 99% sure. Okay? That’s sure enough.
Chris: How can you be that sure? 99% is a high number.
Chris: Mom has been asking after you. She said she’s texted you a number of times.
Well at least the subject is changing.
Summer: I didn’t get anything.
Chris: I’ll tell her to try again. Maybe she doesn’t have your new number… I forgot to ask. Duh.
Summer: Say hi to her for me, and tell her I’m sorry.
Chris: I will. Say hi to Mason for me. Thank him for keeping you warm for me.
Summer: That’s not funny, Chris.
Chris: I know. It’s really fucking depressing actually. What are you gonna do if you have the kid and a test says it’s mine?
Summer: What are you gonna do when it says it’s his? Stop asking stupid questions. I made my choice. I’m with Mason. Respect that and move on. I’ll see you on Sunday.
I’m starting to feel less guilty about what I did to him. He’s infuriating.
Or maybe I am?
Summer: The baby can’t be yours, Chris. I know it. It’s impossible.
Summer: So don’t worry about it. Okay? I promise. The baby isn’t yours.
Chris: Why did you have to go and get pregnant? Why? Maybe we could have worked shit out?
Summer: You don’t want to work things out, you’re just sad that you’re alone. A better me will come along soon, you’ll see.
Chris: Is that what you found? A better me?
Summer: No. I guess I didn’t word that right.
Chris: I’d say you worded it just fine.
Fuck.
That didn’t go as planned.
Summer: I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean that how it sounded.
I’m not surprised when he doesn’t reply.
I’m not totally sure if I should tell Mason about what happened with Chris. I didn’t mention it to him yesterday because I was just as conflicted then. But I also don’t want to start something new with him on a bed of lies.
This web I’ve woven is too sticky and complex. It’s hard to know what to say to whom because I just want everybody to be happy. At what cost though?
“Hey, baby, what are you wearing?” Mason growls down the phone and I giggle lightly.
“Nothin’,” I respond sleepily. “I had a shower and climbed into your bed totally nude. It feels so good against my skin.”
“Yep.” He clears his throat. “I’m hard.”
I laugh again, louder this time, and roll onto my other side, wrapping my leg around the blanket. “What are you doing?”
“I’m currently breaking curfew to call you,” he replies and I hear men cheer in the background, albeit quietly. “We ship out tomorrow, I don’t know when we’ll be able to talk like this again.”
My heart hits my rib cage. “So soon? I thought you weren’t going for another week at least.”
“I’m not sure what’s going on to be honest, they keep the information tight until the last minute, so it doesn’t leak.”
“Makes sense,” I grumble petulantly wishing I could throw a tantrum to get what I want, which is a nightly phone call. “You’ll still be able to email?”
“As often as I can. Maybe not every day but I’ll do my best.”
I smile. “That’s if you want to of course, no pressure.”
“Of course, I want to.”
“Good.”
“So, got anything to tell me?”
I inhale a sharp breath, panicked at the thought that he might already know something. It’s stupid, of course he doesn’t, but still.
“Okay so, there is something,” I murmur. “But I don’t know if I should say.”
“Well you have to say it now.”
“Right.” I cough and pull myself up to sitting. “It’s about Chris.”
There’s a brief pause and then a dangerous sounding, “What about Chris?”
“I didn’t tell you because I was worried it’d upset you on your first official day at work.”
“Summer,” he growls, his tone warning. “What about Chris?”
�
��I guess he just suddenly decided that he wants to make a go of things.” Before he can say anything, I rush out, “But I said no, of course. He tried to kiss me but I didn’t allow it. I left and then he was texting me asking me if the baby is his.” And breathe! “Did you get all that?”
“Yup. Should I be worried?”
I shake my head. “No. I’m done. For real.”
“Okay then, I trust you. But just know that I don’t give second chances, Summer. Pregnant with my kids or not.”
“You don’t have to warn me, Mason,” I snap, irritated by his tone. “I’m not some serial cheater. The same goes for you. If you fuck anybody else I will find you and I will feed you your dick.”
“Yes, ma’am.” His Southern drawl returns, I adore it. He follows it up with a chuckle. “You’re sexy when you’re mad.”
“No, I’m not. I’m a fiery lioness and you should fear my wrath.”
His chuckle becomes a belly laugh that lasts for a while. I’m pouting but I’m not really sad. I’m happy that he finds me funny.
“Cute,” he mumbles when he stops laughing.
Funny and cute. I like it.
“Okay, so, now that’s out of the way, can I complain about my sickness?”
“Is it really bad?”
I shrug and rub my stomach. “It’s horrific. I know it only lasts until week sixteen-ish but waiting for you to come home and waiting for this sickness to pass is going to make it drag so bad.”
“Babe.” He sounds sad, no longer amused or growly. “I’ve never had somebody waiting for me before, it’s killing me too, thinking about you naked in my bed right now.”
“WHOOO FUCK YES!” a man cries in the background, obviously with excitement.
Mason does that growly thing at him but I doubt the guy listened. “Send me some pictures to keep me going.”
“So you can show them to all your military buddies? I think not.”
“Like I’d share your body with anyone.”
I smirk, channeling my inner mischief. “Didn’t your parents ever warn you to not share nudes?”
A Little Bit of Guilt: Little Bits #5 Page 17