I shudder at the thought.
‘It might be different with Hayden. You never know. I bet you’ll be up the duff in five minutes. Look at the state of him, he’s bound to have fantastic sperm.’
Scandalised, I can’t help but giggle at that, even though we’re in a cemetery. ‘Crystal. You are a terrible person.’
‘It’s true,’ she says. ‘Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it either. I’ve seen the way you look at him, you little minx.’
‘I’ll be happy if my only child is Sabina. I feel blessed to have had her. She’s the one good thing that has come from my marriage to Suresh, and for that I’ll always be grateful to him. She’s my life.’
‘Treasure her,’ Crystal says. ‘There’s nothing worse than losing a child. I didn’t know how I’d carry on without Max. But you do, don’t you?’
‘You’ll have happiness again with Edgar. I’m sure.’
‘I hope you’re right. O wise one,’ she teases. ‘I do hope so. And you will with Hayden.’
Yet I don’t know if that’s possible. He’s starting to want things that I don’t have a part in. If he takes up his old life, will Sabina and I always be at risk of exposure? I can’t risk putting Sabina in danger for any man, not even Hayden. She’s my absolute priority and I must sacrifice everything else to protect her. Yet I’m in no position to ask him to give up his fame and fortune for us, to carry on living the life of a recluse as he has. He says that he feels he has his life back. Who am I to take it away again?
Crystal closes her eyes and lets her head rest back. The breeze in the shade cools us. I keep my eyes open and look to the distance, as if I’m trying to see my future. For a moment, I catch a glimpse of it. And, if I stay with Hayden, there are parts of it that frighten me too much.
Then it comes to me in a moment, and I know exactly what I must do.
Chapter Seventy-nine
We stay by Max’s little grave for an hour or so, then Crystal has to head off to work. Together, we walk back to Hampstead High Street, eventually stopping outside the door of Highly Polished.
‘You’ve got your overall?’
‘In my bag,’ she says. ‘I’ll quickly change.’
‘Thank you for taking me to see Max.’ I can’t begin to tell her what a profound effect it’s had on me, for so many reasons. I think of having to look at my Sabina in the cold ground as Crystal does with her child, and I wonder how I’d ever breathe again.
‘He’s a part of me,’ she says, ‘and so are you and Sabina now.’
My voice is stuck in my throat.
‘Whatever happens in our lives, we’ll still be friends,’ she adds.
‘We will. Let’s never forget that.’ I throw my arms around her and hold her tightly.
‘Hey,’ she says, studying my face. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’
‘Yes.’ I bite down the tears that so want to come.
‘We’ll talk later.’ She strokes my cheek and I hold my hand over hers.
Crystal is probably the best friend that I’ve ever had. She’s more like a sister to me, and I can only hope that she’ll forgive me for what I’m about to do.
‘I’d better go. The boss really gets her knickers in a knot if you keep any customers waiting.’ She kisses my cheek. ‘Laters.’
‘Laters,’ I echo. ‘I love you.’
Crystal frowns at me. ‘I don’t like to leave you like this. You’re not you.’
‘I am,’ I promise her. ‘This is just the sad version of me.’
‘Shall I call Hayden, get him to come home early?’
I shake my head. ‘No need for that.’
‘I’ll bring us cakes home,’ she promises. ‘That’ll cheer us all up. I hope Joy hasn’t keeled over during the day. That would put a downer on things.’
‘Oh, Crystal.’ I very nearly say that I’m going to miss her.
She looks over her shoulder into the nail salon. It seems as if she is in two minds whether she should leave me and go into work or not.
‘Really, I’m fine,’ I assure her. ‘You should go.’
‘Don’t worry. We’ll sort it. You have to trust Hayden. He’d never let anyone hurt you.’
So I stand and watch as she walks away from me. When she turns back, I wave at her through the window of the salon and pin on a smile. And, when she’s out of sight, I walk as quickly as I can back to the house.
Taking our small holdall from under the bed, I open it. Inside is the remainder of my money, still curled into rolls. Quickly I count it out. Thankfully I still have enough left to take me to where I want to be. I tuck it down into the corner at the bottom, as I did on that dark night when I stole away from Suresh with the hope that I could leave him behind for ever.
Well, despite my best efforts, he’s followed me and has found me. So, once more I must move on.
Taking the holdall to the dressing table, I start to empty in our belongings as fast as I possibly can. I put in most of the lovely clothes that Crystal has bought for both Sabina and myself, but there isn’t much room. I have to be away from here before anyone returns. If I see Hayden or Joy or Crystal, I know that they’ll stop me. They’ll beg me to stay and I won’t be strong enough to resist because, in my heart, I don’t want to leave at all. But what else can I possibly do?
Sabina and I are in grave danger here. Suresh now knows where we are. What is there to stop him sending more men? Perhaps men who are stronger, more ruthless. Men who are not easily thwarted by three ladies, one of them elderly. Next time they might have knives or guns. We were lucky this time, I know that.
The longer I’m here, the more trouble I bring to the house. Hayden doesn’t need this. He has his life back. He’s singing, playing, writing. The world is opening up to him once more and it’s a delight to see. It’s also clear to me that he needs music in his life more than he needs us. Performing is like breathing to him: it’s necessary for him to exist. Yet Sabina and I can’t live in the spotlight with him. It would be far too dangerous. So, if we can’t be with him, then what are we to do?
I must hide Sabina away. I can’t risk harm coming to her or to anyone else. We must live a quiet, anonymous life, and then perhaps we’ll be free of my husband for ever.
Crystal will be furious with me. I know she will. She’ll think that I’m cowardly, running away, and I can only hope that one day, perhaps far in the future, we may be reunited. That we all will. As I’ll miss them all so very desperately. I’m happy that she has Edgar now. He’ll do more than fill the place in her heart that my leaving will cause.
Glancing at the clock, I realise that there’s no time for hesitating. I catch sight of myself in the mirror and Crystal is right. I’m not me. Staring back at me there’s a wild-eyed, frightened creature. I thought I’d left her behind. But no, here she is again.
I cram the clothes haphazardly into the bag. I even take the shabby shalwar kameez that I first arrived in. How long ago that seems now. I’ve been happy here. So very, very happy. But now I must move on again. It’s the only way.
Sabina will be distraught, I know. How she’ll cope without Hayden, I have no idea. He’s been more of a daddy to her in these few shorts month than her own father ever was. She’ll miss him terribly. As I will. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of it. I can only pray that this won’t cause her to be silent once more. If that happened, it would break my heart into a million pieces. But I’d rather have her alive, unharmed and mute, than missing – or even worse. So I force the possibility of her return to silence to the back of my mind and press on with my plan.
I take one last look around the bedroom and my heart twists with pain. Rushing downstairs, I go into the living room. On the coffee table, where we last left it, lies the copy of Great Expectations that Hayden and I have so enjoyed reading together. How sad that I won’t now finish it with him. My stomach heaves with nausea. My knees almost buckle, and already I feel the emptiness like a physical pain. I think of the hours that he’s spent w
ith me, patiently, diligently teaching me how to improve my reading, to be proud of myself. To me, that truly says what a kind and caring man he is. It shows me how much he loves me.
What if I never see him again in my lifetime? The thought hits me as hard as a physical blow. Perhaps I’ll catch a glimpse of him on television every now and again, and think that I was lucky to have known him, to have been loved by him.
Too many of my loved ones have already been taken from me – my sister, my mummy and daddy, now Hayden. Yet I know that I have to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of Sabina’s safety. I’d never be happy with him again if I stayed and someone took Sabina from me. Seeing little Max’s grave today only served to hammer that home. Crystal has somehow recovered her life. She’s gone on to be a strong, funny and lovely person. I don’t think that I could do that. I’m not as strong, as resourceful as her. Without Sabina I’d be an empty shell.
And so I must leave.
I take a pen and paper from the table and write out very carefully, in my best handwriting, I am so very sorry. Please let me go. Ayesha xx
Chapter Eighty
Walking up to the school as quickly as I can, I force myself not to look back. When I’m there, I explain to the secretary that I need to take Sabina out of her lesson and we head along the corridor together, me wishing that she’d hurry more.
I wait outside the classroom and, minutes later, Sabina comes out. We go to her locker and collect her bag.
When the secretary has left us, she says, ‘What’s wrong, Mama?’
‘We must leave,’ I tell her. ‘Like we did before.’
‘On a bus?’
‘Yes.’
‘Is this because of the bad men?’
‘Yes.’
I lead her out of the school and across the playground. At the gates, she pulls up and looks back towards the house.
‘Is Hayden coming with us?’
My voice almost refuses to come. ‘No. I’m afraid that he can’t.’
Her tiny face is anxious. ‘But if we leave him behind, he’ll become sad again.’
I kneel before her. ‘Sometimes grown-ups have to be sad. That is the way of life.’
‘You were sad with Daddy, but I know that you’ll be sadder without Hayden.’
I fight down the tears that threaten with all my might. I must be strong for my child. Suresh knows where we are now and we simply can’t stay. ‘You must trust me on this, Sabina. It’s the only way.’
‘But he loves us,’ she pleads.
‘I know.’
She looks as if she’s desperately trying, in her childish way, to think of another solution. But, like me, who should have the answers for her, she fails.
‘We must hurry.’
‘Auntie Crystal and Auntie Joy won’t want us to go,’ she says. ‘They could scare the bad men away again.’
How do I explain that, next time, we may not be as fortunate? I don’t wish to frighten her, but I believe with my whole heart that we’re in grave danger. Suresh won’t take this failure lightly. He is not a man to be thwarted. Next time he will come himself, and he will make sure that he doesn’t fall short.
‘Will we never see them again?’
‘I hope that we will see them very soon.’ But I can’t bring myself to tell her that we may not. That I can’t risk contact with the people who we’ve both come to love most dearly.
Then she cries. Tears of terrible unhappiness course down my daughter’s cheeks and I hold her to me tightly.
‘I don’t want to go,’ she sobs.
For a fleeting moment, I wish that my daughter could not speak again. I wish that I didn’t have to hear her voice her pain. I wish that she would stand in accepting silence while I destroy all that we’ve struggled to build. Her words stab agony into my soul.
‘For now, it must be just me and you,’ I whisper. ‘Do you understand that?’
‘Yes.’
She looks at me, eyes filled with sorrow, and I know that I’m breaking her heart. I can only hope that one day she will fully know my reason for doing this and that she’ll forgive me.
Chapter Eighty-one
Suresh burst through the front door of the house. Alarmed, his mother came shuffling out of the front room.
‘Stay in there,’ Suresh barked. ‘Both of you. Now. Don’t come out until I tell you to.’
His mother retreated, a look of fear on her face. Suresh smirked to himself. Soon he wouldn’t have to feel their reproachful gazes on him ever again.
He ushered the lads into the kitchen and closed the door behind them. His heart was still pounding as he found the whisky bottle and four glasses even though it was still early in the day. The lads were laughing, relieved, adrenalin-filled, as high as kites, giddy with euphoria. They’d done it. They’d actually done it. The raid had been such a success, Suresh could hardly believe it.
Splashing some of the amber liquid into glasses, he held his high and proposed a toast. ‘To us,’ he said. ‘To audacity. To money.’
He downed his shot and felt the alcohol go some way to calming him inside. Another would surely help. So he refilled his glass and gulped that down too.
They each tipped out the bag that they’d crammed with their haul on to the kitchen table. The raid couldn’t have gone better. It was textbook-perfect. Just as he’d planned. As he’d planned. No one else. They’d blasted straight into the shopping centre, ridden along the shiny concourses, got in early before many people were about, while the shops were still rubbing their sleepy eyes, waking up. He laughed to think of the faces on the staff in the store when they’d seen two motorbikes roaring straight through the door. They’d nearly crapped themselves. And the feeling when they’d smashed the windows, the display boxes, and helped themselves to whatever they wanted! He’d never experienced such ecstasy. There was nothing in the world like it, and he knew he wanted to do it again. Soon.
‘Nice work, lads,’ he said as he looked down at the glittering pile of jewellery on the table.
There were fat, sparkling diamond rings, bracelets, necklaces. He’d gone straight for the watches – Rolex, Tag Heuer, Cartier, Breitling. Each tray they’d bagged had netted them over a hundred grand. He looked at the heap of watches. There were plenty to spare, enough that they could each take one, two even, for themselves. And gold. The table was dripping with gold. Suresh heard a giggle, and thought it might have come from his own lips. He’d keep some gold too. Heavy chains for his neck, his wrist. It would be a magnificent reminder of how well this job had gone. That was down to him and no one – not Arunja, not anyone – could take that away.
There was only one cloud on his horizon and that was that the other job he’d planned hadn’t gone so well. The lads laughed raucously and raked their hands through the pile of loot, but he couldn’t join in with them. The thought of that failure had left him with the taste of bile in his throat and a bitterness coiled in his stomach.
He should have gone along himself to see it through, but he’d wanted to keep his distance. That had been a mistake. The men he’d paid to take Sabina and Ayesha had messed it up completely. He’d thought he could trust them, that they were professionals, but he’d been wrong. They’d been defeated by a few women, one of them an old lady, by all accounts. What a fuck-up. Next time he would do it himself. Finish them off once and for all so they wouldn’t be lurking in his life like some terrible spectre sent to haunt him. They’d be gone and he could move on, get another wife who he would shower with diamonds, who would be grateful, compliant, and would open her legs without turning from him in distaste. A woman like that would give him a dozen healthy sons.
He would bide his time. Ayesha would be frightened now. She knew he was coming for her. And she’d realise that they had no place to hide.
Chapter Eighty-two
Hayden’s meeting had taken longer than he expected and now all he wanted to do was get home. He’d had to cancel the appointment with the security firm, but he’d still be in
time to walk up to the school with Ayesha to collect Sabina, bracing himself to run the gauntlet of the giggly mums.
The meeting had gone brilliantly. Considering how long he’d been out of the game, his management team were still filled with enthusiasm. They all wanted him back out there on top form. The cynic in him said, Why wouldn’t they want their major cash cow to come out of hiding and get the money flowing for them again?
They’d loved some of the new songs he’d played to them, and had big plans. Which was great. He’d come out of the office buzzing. But now, if he was completely honest, there was a kernel of disquiet at his core.
Taking himself off the scene for the last few years had pretty much stopped the media madness. If he put himself out there again, he’d be reopening Pandora’s box, and this time he’d be in no doubt about what would come out. He might try to convince himself that he’d manage it better this time, but could he? Was anyone really able to tame the rapacious predator of the paparazzi? Many celebrities had tried and failed. Why should he be any different?
What would that mean for Ayesha and Sabina? Whatever happened, he’d put them first. He certainly couldn’t consider a return to the limelight while they were still running from Ayesha’s husband. This business with Suresh Rasheed would have to be sorted. They could take out an injunction against him, but someone like that would never pay any attention to it. Perhaps he could pay him off. Hayden didn’t know why he hadn’t considered it before. Ayesha would probably resist, but what else could they do? He sounded like a bloke who would sit up and listen when money talked. Sabina’s safety was paramount. He couldn’t bear it if anything happened to either of them.
He swung into the drive and the gates closed behind him. Until yesterday, he’d thought they were high enough and secure enough to keep anyone out. Looked like he was wrong. It worried him that the security cameras had been taken out so easily. Still, the security company were coming along soon to see what else they could do.
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