Love Me Like I Love You

by Willow Winters

  I hit Big Haynes again in the side of the head. My knuckles collide hard with his temple, knocking him out. He stumbles back, lighter falling from his grasp and clattering to the ground. Two of the locals who have been here drinking since we opened hours ago, take him by the arms and drag him outside.

  Jay growls and kicks the table Sierra and Lisa are behind, shoving it into them. Lisa loses her balance and falls into Sierra, who stumbles back and trips over a chair. They both land hard on the ground. I don’t think. I just act. Consumed by rage, I grab a bottle of whiskey and bring it down over Jay’s head. The glass breaks, and blood streams from his skull. He wobbles but comes at me again, throwing punches. The smell of alcohol permeates the air. I turn away to check on Sierra. Lisa helps her to her feet, pulling her away from the fight.

  In that half-second my head is turned, Jay hits me in the face. My vision blurs for a beat, and the pain adds to my anger. I charge forward at Jay, punching him in square in the nose. I feel his nose break along with hearing the sickening crack, but I don’t stop. I hit him again. And again. Until he drops to the ground.

  “Chase!” Sierra calls. I kick Jay hard in the dick and turn, rushing to her side.

  “Are you okay? Did he hurt you? I’m going to fucking kill him.”

  “I’m scared,” she says and grabs my arms. “But I’m fine.”

  I run my hands over her, needing to make sure. Behind me, Jay stirs, slowly coming to his feet. Lisa grabs the first thing she can get her hands on, and swings a dirty broom at Jay. “Move again and this handle is going up your ass,” she sneers. “No one hurts my cousin.”

  Jay slumps back to the ground. No one says a word, and if it weren’t for that damn music, you could hear a pin drop. Sierra is safe in my arms, but rage still sears through me. I’m so fucking pissed.

  I’m pissed at myself for not taking Sierra behind the bar with me to get the keys.

  I’m pissed at Jax for creating a trail leading to Summer Hill.

  And I’m pissed at these assholes.

  “Are you okay?” Sierra asks softly, hands wrapping around my arms. “You just had surgery.”

  “I’m fine. I’m more concerned with you. You fell. Isn’t that bad for the…the you know what?”

  “On my ass. I’m okay. We’re okay.” Sierra closes her eyes and rests her head on my chest. She lets out a shaky breath then looks up and out at the bar. Everyone is still frozen, staring at Jay on the floor. Everything happened so fast, and if I would have been one minute faster, Sierra wouldn’t have gotten involved like that. She’d be upstairs, safe and sound.

  “You should go up,” I tell her. “Get away from the smoke.”

  She nods but doesn’t step away. “The cops are on their way. Lisa called when that guy grabbed my arm.”

  “Good. That was quick thinking.” I pull Sierra to me, never wanting to let her go.

  The cops show up minutes later, and with the entire bar as witnesses, the Haynes brothers are arrested right away.

  Wanting to get out of the smoke, Sierra goes upstairs while I give a statement, explaining everything I know about those cocksuckers. The bar is slowly going back to normal, with people talking and laughing again.

  I help Corey clean up the mess made from the fight, and get things back in order again. He’s frazzled, having never been involved like that in a fight before. Hearing the threat of someone burning down the bar sent him over the edge.

  Lisa, Katie, and Bella are sitting at the table in the back. Katie is so drunk there’s a slim chance she’ll remember any of this.

  “You guys okay?” I ask.

  Bella’s eyes widen. “That was insane. But yeah, we’re fine. Sierra’s okay, right? She said she was going upstairs.”

  “Yeah. Just shook up. Nice work with the broom,” I tell Lisa.

  “Thanks. I realize it’s not the most lethal weapon, but it was the first thing I could get my hands on.”

  “I think you’re wrong there. That thing has swept up the unimaginable. All it takes is one sweep across face and you’re infected with God knows what and it’s only a matter of time before you turn into a zombie.”

  “So that’s how the apocalypse starts,” Lisa jokes. She’s looking at her phone, feverishly texting someone. Then her screen goes black. “Mother fucker,” she swears. “You don’t happen to have a charger, do you?”

  “Not for that type of phone.”

  “Dammit. Rob is freaking out right now and I need to tell him to chill the fuck out.”

  “You can use my phone,” I offer.

  “Thanks. He’s going to keep freaking out until I call. He’s at the station tonight and not being out here is killing him. He’s not convinced we’re okay yet.”

  Wanting to get upstairs to Sierra, I pull my phone from my pocket and unlock the screen. “It’s quieter in the back,” I say and hand the phone to her.

  Lisa takes the phone and disappears behind the bar. I mop up a spilled drink and take an order for a burger and fries to the kitchen. The bar-goers have settled back into their usual routine of drinking, talking too loud, and dancing along with the music. I fill another drink order and clear one more table before Lisa comes back out, holding my phone out like it’s the missing piece of incriminating evidence in a murder trial.

  “I opened the phone app to dial Rob’s number,” she starts, “and it went right to your voicemail. You must have been on that page last time you shut off your phone.”

  My blood runs cold, and each heartbeat echoes loudly in my ears. Fuck. No. It was the last screen I had open. Knowing Sierra and I are going to have a child together in the coming months, I knew I needed to delete all the messages. Pretend it never happened and move on.

  But I didn’t because I looked up from the bar and saw Sierra walking through. And with my mind on Sierra, it didn’t even occur to me that the voicemails would be the first thing anyone sees when they use the phone.

  “I saw all the messages.”

  The messages. No. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, Fuck.

  “I was going to make fun of you for being lame and keeping all of Sierra’s messages. Then I realized some are from over a year ago. What the fuck? I mean, how is that possible?”

  I inhale, and in that moment, everything changes. I don’t want to lie my way out of this. I don’t want to build the foundation of my family on a lie.

  My.

  Family.

  My stomach twists and I feel like I’m going to puke. What the fuck have I done? I look at Lisa, her face full of accusation. I need to come clean and get it out in the open. Sierra and I are having a baby after all. I need to tell her everything.

  “When my niece broke my phone, Josh felt bad and got me a temporary one in its place in its place. He went to that secondhand electronic store in town. When I got it, I realized that the memory wasn’t properly cleared out. Out of curiosity, I listened to the first message before I deleted them all.”

  Lisa’s mouth opens. She keeps her eyes on me and shakes her head. “Wait…what?”

  “That phone…it belonged to Jake. The messages from Sierra are for him.”

  Things start to click into place for Lisa. “I knew she called and left messages after he passed. We all tried to get her to stop and it took months. You said you listened to the first one before you deleted them. But they’re still here.”

  “I know.”

  “So you listened to them?” she asks.

  “Some of them.”

  “Does Sierra know?”

  “No.”

  “You have to tell her.”

  “I will,” I say. “I want to. Hell, I’ve wanted to. I didn’t know it was her when I heard the first few. They were so…so tragically beautiful I kept listening. I hadn’t even met her yet when I heard the first one.”

  “Then you did meet her and still listened to the messages she left for her dead boyfriend.”

  Fuck. When she says it out loud, it sounds awful. I cringe. “Yes.”

  Lisa rubs her t
emple. “This is all kinds of fucked up. And Sierra has no idea at all?”

  “No.”

  “You need to tell her. Or I will.”

  Chapter 29

  Sierra

  “Let me look at it one more time,” I tell Chase and turn on the flashlight on my phone. We just got out of the shower, and I’m not convinced he is ‘fine’ like he says he is. I make him lay down on his bed so I can inspect the incision site.

  “See? Told you it’s fine. I didn’t split my skin open.”

  “You’re lucky.”

  “Yeah,” he agrees. “I probably am.” He pulls the blankets down and waits for me to get in bed next to him, spooning his body around mine. He’s been quiet since he came up from the bar, which was why I thought he might be hurt and didn’t want to tell me. He said he felt bad for what happened, was pissed at Jax for not being more careful, and was worried I was hurt, if not physically, then mentally. That asshole did grab me, after all. I was really shaken up. Seeing them go after Chase and make threats against me was upsetting. And scary. Very scary. The moment he grabbed my arm and yanked me forward, terror filled me. Yet I knew Chase was there to protect me.

  It wouldn’t be the first time he saved me.

  “I love you, Sierra,” he whispers, nuzzling his lips into my neck. My heavy eyelids close, and I’m asleep in minutes.

  At three in the morning, I get up needing to pee. “I thought this only happened when you have a big belly,” I grumble and slowly get out of bed. The cramps are back and the moment I get up, I know something is wrong. “Chase,” I say sharply. “Chase!”

  “What’s wrong?” he asks, shooting up from a dead sleep and reaches for my spot in the bed. “Sierra?

  I move my hand down between my legs and feel wetness. I’ve never in my life wished to have peed my pants before, but right now, I do. Though I know what it is, and my full bladder reminds me that I haven’t yet gone.

  “I’m bleeding,” I say, voice a hollow whisper.

  “Where?” Chase asks before he gets it. “Fuck. No.” He’s out of bed, turning on the light, and in front of me in just seconds. I hold out my hand, fresh blood on my fingers. The sight of the shiny crimson on my fingertips makes me dizzy. I wobble on my feet and if it weren’t for Chase, I’d pass out onto the floor.

  “We need to go to the hospital,” Chase says. I nod but don’t move. He helps me to the bed and goes to his dresser, pulling out a pair of clean pajama pants. He leads me into the bathroom and brings me a towel. I pee, clean myself up, and get redressed.

  If I hadn’t taken that test a few days ago, I would have thought this was my period. I would have been relieved, although embarrassed, to wake up in a puddle of blood in Chase’s bed. Though if I didn’t know I was pregnant, I might have gone out drinking with Lisa tonight and not be in Chase’s bed right now at all.

  Chase helps me into the car and fiddles with the radio on the long drive to the hospital. My cramps intensify, and I hope the folded-up washcloth is enough. I didn’t bring any pads or tampons to Chase’s, and he, of course, doesn’t have any.

  Chase takes one hand off the wheel and grips my thigh. “It’ll be okay. Whatever happens, it’ll be okay,” he says, echoing the same words he said when we were waiting for the test.

  “Yeah.” I close my eyes and look at Chase. “It will.”

  “Let’s go home,” Chase says softly, standing and coming over to the hospital bed. After an hour in the ER, we were told there was nothing that could be done. I had an early miscarriage. The doctor was surprised I even had symptoms and said many women who lose a pregnancy this early don’t even realize it, thinking they just had a late period. Medically, I’m perfectly healthy. The doctor even said we could ‘start trying again next cycle’ if we wanted to.

  Falling didn’t make me lose the baby. I didn’t fall hard enough to hurt myself, and this early in pregnancy, there’s nothing yet to come detached, like there is with a baby further along. Still, Chase was overcome with guilt and needed to be assured again and again by the nurse that me tripping over a chair and landing on my butt wasn’t the reason for this.

  I take Chase’s hand and get up, not talking as we go back to his car. He opens the door for me and gets in the driver’s seat with a sigh. I look down, arms wrapped tightly around myself.

  “Sierra,” he says gently and takes my hand. “I love you. I want to make sure you know. No matter what, I love you and always will.”

  Tears fill my eyes. “I love you, too.” I squeeze his hand and pull my seatbelt on. My head is spinning. I’m tired, which always makes me emotional. And I’m not sure how to feel right now. I’d only known I was pregnant for a few days. We didn’t try for a baby. We didn’t want this to happen. Having a baby right now would have fucked up our lives in more ways than we could think. Chase and I haven’t been together that long, and there’s a lot to be worked out before having a child together. Not having a baby should be a good thing. We can consider it again when the time is right. Years from now. After a wedding or once we move in together.

  But I’m sad.

  Really, really fucking sad.

  I wish I hadn’t taken that stupid test.

  I stare out the window the whole way back to Chase’s house.

  “Are you okay?” he asks when we park.

  “I think so. Are you?”

  “No,” he answers, and it jars me. “I know the timing was all wrong, but I was starting to become okay with it. I’m sad. More than I thought I’d be.”

  “Me too,” I say. And then I start crying. Chase helps me out of the car and wraps his arms around me, holding me as I sob. We’re in the parking lot of The Mill House, and the rushing water from the river echoes through the silent early morning.

  “I love you,” he whispers. “I always will.”

  “I love you too,” I say back between sobs. “I’m sorry I lost…I lost…” My words dissolve into tears.

  “I never once thought it was your fault,” he goes on. “You heard the doctor. Sometimes it just happens and there’s no real reason. Don’t be sorry.”

  I inhale sharply. “I don’t understand why this keeps happening. Lisa said I’m not cursed but I think I really am.”

  “Curses aren’t real,” he soothes. “You’re not cursed.”

  “It feels that way.”

  “It might now, but it won’t forever,” he whispers and cups my face with his hands. He brushes away my tears and kisses me. “Let’s go to your house. It’s been a long fucking night.” We go around back and I sit on the rock overlooking the river while Chase gets his stuff from inside. I don’t say a word on the short drive to my house. The sun is up and I pull all the shades once we get inside.

  “We need to talk about it.” Chase opens the fridge and pulls out a bottle of wine. “Maybe not now, but tomorrow.”

  “Yeah. I know.”

  He sets two glasses on the table and fills them. I pick mine up and take a gulp.

  “You know what’s weird?” I start and take another drink. “If I didn’t take that test, we wouldn’t be sad. If I would have waited another few days to see if my period started, I would think this was all it was.”

  Chase nods. “Yeah. That’s true.”

  “I wish I hadn’t taken it. Because I did think about us together with a baby. I felt something for whatever I thought was growing inside of me.” I bring the glass to my lips and drain it. I set it down on the table and exhale, waiting for the alcohol to kick in and numb the pain.

  “I did too. When I was holding my nephews today…” He trails off and finishes his wine. “Let’s go to bed.”

  I nod and follow him into the bedroom. We snuggle close together, and the booze hits me. My lashes are wet with tears and my eyes feel swollen from crying. Chase pulls me onto his chest and runs his fingers up and down my arm until I fall asleep.

  Having chugged a big glass of wine before bed, I once again wake up having to use the bathroom. Chase is still sleeping, and I worry about
him overdoing it. He’s still recovering and getting in a fight was the last thing he needed.

  It’s early in the morning, and we’ve only been asleep for a few hours. I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I strip from my clothes and pull my hair into a messy bun on the top of my head and look at myself in the mirror as I wait for the shower to warm up.

  My hands land on my abdomen and my bottom lip quivers. Dizziness crashes down on me, brought on by a whirlwind of emotions. The fact that I had gotten pregnant hits me, and all the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy play out in my head.

  Telling my parents.

  Going to church with my growing belly.

  Making room in this small house for Chase and our baby.

  Figuring out how to work and raise a child.

  Would I have a wedding? I’ve dreamed about and planned my wedding for years. Small and intimate. Whimsical but not over the top. We’d have the ceremony in the church and an outdoor reception at the family farm, with big white tents set up and our horses grazing in the background.

  I get into the shower and sink down, letting the warm water wash over me. I thought about my wedding a lot before Jake died. We’d been together almost two years. I assumed a proposal was in the making. Jake was a practical person, thoughtful but not exactly romantic. Still, I did quite a bit of pinning on Pinterest, and my dream wedding is still in the back of my mind.

  I cover my mouth with my hands, muffling a sob. I don’t want to wake Chase up. The image of his face flashes before me, and my heart lurches in my chest. As hard as I try not to compare Jake to Chase, I can’t help but feel the difference between the two. Everything with Jake was logical and calculated. Our relationship made sense, the sex was good, and we got along in most aspects. There is no doubt in my mind that we didn’t love each other with all our hearts.

  But Chase…I love him with all of my heart and every piece of my soul. Chase is unpredictable. Wild. Dangerous. There’s no logical reason for us to be together.

  And yet we are.