by J , Louise
“That would be nice,” she says to Saffron.
I’ll make sure they have tickets. Gosh, I feel so excited about life right now.
Forty: Dane
I know Elizabeth doesn’t want me to move her furniture around; it was her polite way of getting me alone. Just like Saffron, Elizabeth’s determined to see to it that I succeed with Brooklyn. I’d prefer it if they both let me do things my way.
“I was thinking of moving that chest of drawers over there to there,” she says pointing from the named furniture in the corner to the right of the room and then to the exact same space on the left side. She could do better than that, it’s a pointless exchange.
“Beth, talk to me if that’s what you want.”
“Come and sit down with me, son,” she says holding her hand out to me the way she would Nathaniel. I take it.
We walk over to the window seat and sit down. Looking out into the backyard, from here, I can see Brooklyn and Saffron sitting at the table on the patio, talking and laughing. When my gaze slides to Elizabeth, she’s watching me with a smile of pleasure. “Brooklyn’s a lovely girl. It’s been worth the wait.” I don’t know what to say, so I look back out there and stay silent. “What’s the matter?” she asks.
It’s only now I realize I’m frowning. I relax my forehead. “Nothing, I’m good.” I meet her gaze again.
That’s the problem with people who know you well enough, you don’t have to say anything for them to see you have something on your mind. It also means you can’t fool them into thinking you’re cool if you’re not.
I turn around and lean back, scanning the room, the cream colored walls and dark furniture, anything to avoid eye contact with Elizabeth. I sigh. “It’s hard.” I rub my face with my hands and take a deep breath. Exhaling, I fold my arms across my chest. “Being with Brooklyn makes me feel like I’m in heaven and hell at the same time.”
Elizabeth adjusts her position, turning around also. When I unfold my arms she takes my hand in both of hers.
“I thought it might get easier after the first couple weeks, but the opposite’s happened. In the six weeks we’ve been together, we’ve only been apart when we’ve had to be. I can’t tell you how many phone calls and texts we make when we’re not together. I can’t even think about L.A.”
“That poor girl has no idea what it does to you when she talks about it, does she? You hide it well from her, but maybe that’s not such a good idea. As for all the time you’ve been spending together, I get the impression you’re not imposing anything on Brooklyn that she doesn’t want. You’re both so easy around each other.”
“I guess we are, but she gets insecure sometimes and I’m not sure if that’s what drives her the most.”
“What does she get insecure about?”
“She doesn’t understand why I want a relationship with her when …” Elizabeth doesn’t know much about my private life, she’s just aware of my preference for staying single and the reasons for it. She’s no fool, though. She knows I haven’t been completely alone in every sense of the word. “When there’ve been a few insignificant others. Brooklyn’s insecurities make it easy for me to keep her close. I think that’s what makes her so willing.”
“That isn’t how she comes across. She seems so confident and carefree.”
“It’s strange, because she is and she isn’t. She’s a contradiction. She’s as strong and easy as she is uncertain and doubtful. I don’t really get it, but it works for me. I guess it means we bring out the worst in each other.”
“The opposite of that is also evident. That’s a good thing, but you need to find other ways to make her feel secure. It isn’t right to gain from her need for reassurance or whatever it is she seeks.”
“I can’t figure out who she’s most unsure of, herself or me. Sometimes I think it’s more personal to her and she’d be that way no matter who she’s with. Other times I feel like it’s all down to me. She’s so guarded with her emotions, careful with what she shares, so it’s hard to be clear about it.”
“Maybe if you share a little more of you, then she’ll give in return. There’ll be a reason for her behavior, why not reach out to her by opening up? I think her going to L.A. may be good for you both.”
“I don’t know about that, but I have no choice.” Rubbing my eyes with my middle finger and thumb, the frustration I feel with myself is close to unbearable. “I feel like I’m failing as a man, like I should be stronger than this. I almost wish I hadn’t met her in the first place.”
Elizabeth squeezes my hand, still caught between hers. “I’m not happy to hear you talk like that. Your concerns do not make you less of a man. I’ve always been so proud of you, as my boy and as an adult. Somehow you need to find it in you to open up or start creating a little healthy space. There’s nothing wrong with you and Brooklyn always being together because you want to be, but if the drive comes from another place then you do need to work on it. I know you’re trying, I can see it. You are not failing, son.”
Her smile warms me in a way I don’t feel I deserve. I return hers with my own, nonetheless. And there’s something else. The thing I’m most ashamed of.
“Do you remember when Saffron used to have nightmares?”
“Yes, I do,” she answers with a quizzical expression. “Why?”
“Brooklyn has them. I don’t think it’s every night, but I can’t be sure. Obviously it’s not abnormal for someone to have a nightmare, but the morning after the first one I asked her about it. She said she didn’t recall anything, but I knew she was lying. She even tried to get out of staying over the next night. The others since then haven’t been so bad, she just tosses and turns and moans. As far as I know, she’s only woken one other time since then, but she doesn’t know that I’m aware of that or the others.”
The second time Brooklyn woke up in a panic, she didn’t realize she woke me. She got out of bed, put on one of my T-shirts, and went into the living room. Then I ‘happened to wake up’, needing the bathroom. When I went to her, she lied and said she simply couldn’t sleep. We stayed up for hours talking and listening to some of my records. She even wanted to dance with me. Then she fell asleep on the sofa.
Elizabeth’s brows pull tight with quandary. I’m not surprised by her reaction.
“She would’ve avoided staying with me if I said something.” Like that makes it acceptable.
“One of you needs to take the first step. That may need to be you. You’ll find it hard to have a genuine closeness if you don’t. It’s obvious that you love each other, but you won’t have real peace if you’re hiding things.” She pauses. “Does she know you love her?”
“Going by my actions she should, but I haven’t said it. Neither has she. We touched on it in the beginning, but we haven’t gone back there.”
She sighs, shaking her head. “You’re keeping too much from each other. I’m sure she’d be happy to know how you feel, it might even make her more secure.”
“Short of saying it, I can’t possibly show her any harder that I love her. If my actions don’t make her secure I doubt words will.”
“Why won’t you tell her anyway? What harm would it do?”
I consider whether to answer, I can almost predict the response I’ll get. “Because underneath it all … I really don’t know for sure that I can do this. Those words are a promise, you say them if you intend on being together long term. I’ll show Brooklyn love every second of everyday, but if I haven’t put it out there, then I haven’t made her that promise.”
“It’ll be a shame if you let things go that way. I understand, I always have, but you shouldn’t deny yourself being with someone you love. I miss my husband every single day and losing him still hurts, but I’d do it all again with him if I was given the chance, even if the outcome was still going to be exactly the same. Love is a wonderful thing, and you’re fortunate enough to have found it.”
It’s insane that I’ve found myself loving someone so much that I can’t
walk away from her even though the depth of that love makes me want to do just that. For me, it’s so much more than that four letter word – it binds to too many other emotions that create my heaven and hell. Along with all that, I don’t want to hurt her.
So here I am, still being pulled along in this thing with Brooklyn, and I have no clue where I’m headed and I have no way of stopping it.
Forty One: Brooklyn
The journey back to the city is quiet. The radio is on, but there’s no conversation, a complete contrast to the drive going to Hillsborough. Even Nathaniel’s quiet, but he’s distracted by the toy Elizabeth brought him back from Italy. From the driver’s seat, Saffron keeps looking at Dane through the rear view mirror.
As he sits gazing out of the window, it feels like we’re not even in the same car. He’s so immersed in thought. I’m not sure what’s on his mind, but I don’t like this distance between us. I shift over slightly and lean against his arm. Closing my eyes, I rest my head on his shoulder. He takes my hand in his. Simultaneously, our fingers interlink and our holds tighten. How such a simple action can make a girl feel a million times better? Now it’s as if the car has shrunk and we’re the only two here.
Moments like this make me feel as though Dane and I are unbreakable.
Saffron stops outside Dane’s apartment block. “Have a good night you two,” she says as we climb out.
We walk into the building hand-in-hand, and Dane’s no longer thinking. He’s relaxed and generally his normal self.
As the doors to the lift close, he looks down at me, by his side. “You cool staying here tonight? You don’t want to go home, do you?”
Panic attack alert! Where the fuck has this come from? “No. Why? Would you prefer it if I did?” I’m astounded. I make a conscious effort not to cling to his hand for dear life.
“No, I’m giving you the choice.”
Speechless, I turn my gaze from him, focusing on the gray steel ahead of me, wondering why he said that. He doesn’t seem like he wants me to go home, but why would he ask?
Our ascent halts and the doors slide open, but I don’t move. “Would you like me to go?” I ask, returning my attention to him.
“I just wanted to give you the option. I never do.”
“I don’t want you to.” This is so unhealthy. I know it is. “Maybe I should go. What’s wrong with you, Dane?”
“Honest to God, I’m just giving you the choice.”
The doors have closed, so Dane pushes the button to open them and leads me out.
I can’t decide whether to stay or go. Maybe he finds us too intense. We are intense, but until right now it seemed to be what we both wanted. Maybe I should give him space. Maybe I should spend more time at home with Leona and Kayla. They haven’t complained, but maybe that’s because they both have boyfriends. But they don’t spend every night with theirs. I probably should stay home sometimes. I feel thoroughly fucking confused now.
Fuck it, I’m going. I’m not staying if there’s even the slightest chance I’m not welcome here. After next weekend, when I’m in L.A., I won’t have the choice, anyway, so I may as well start getting used to it.
I walk into the apartment ahead of Dane. When he closes the front door, I turn to face him. “I think you might be right. I should go home,” I say, giving absolutely no indication of the disappointment or the uncertainty I feel. Turns out I’m still quite good at pulling off the, everything’s all right act.
His brows knit in consideration. “Is that what you want?”
No. “Yes. I’ll just grab my makeup bag.” I turn and walk to his bedroom, with my boots still on – screw his lovely carpet.
Being needy really isn’t attractive. Maybe that’s the problem, I’m too needy. I’ll have to seriously work on that.
When I return, Dane’s still by the door. Thankfully, my car is outside, so I can just get the hell out of here and go home. “I’ll speak to you tomorrow,” I say.
I kiss him once on the lips and hug him. He holds me for longer than I intended on us hugging for. I don’t allow myself to focus on it, the feel of him, otherwise I won’t leave. When he lets go, I can’t read his expression. It seems neither of us desires me to go, but maybe we need to do this. Who knows?
Either way, I’m going.
I arrive home, and neither Kayla nor Leona is here, though, I don’t know why I thought they would be. It is Saturday night, after all. I could Skype Mum or Tommy; it’s around eleven a.m. in the UK. Dad will probably be around, too. Yeah, I’ll shower and do that. Anything that keeps me occupied until I can sleep will suit me just fine.
As I pad into my room, I hear the front door open. I step back and catch Kayla entering.
“What are you doing here? Didn’t you go to Hillsborough today?” She walks to me.
I force my lips into a smile. “Yeah, I just got back. I’m staying here tonight.”
“It’s Saturday!” she says, like I’ve committed a criminal offence.
“Yeah,” I say, trying to play it as though I don’t care, when I abso-flipping-lutely do.
“Go get something sexy on. You’re coming with me.”
“I’m fine here, honestly.”
“I don’t care what you are. I’ve come to get changed and then I’m meeting Chase and the others. We’re clubbing tonight, so go get ready.”
Maybe a night out is just the thing I need. “Okay, I will.”
This might do me the world of good. I can even wear the new peach colored mini dress Mum sent me this week. It’s tight, high-necked, backless and sexy. Fuck it! I might even let myself get drunk.
Bring on the cocktails!
Forty Two: Dane
Life was so much easier before I met Brooklyn Scott. Admittedly, in most ways, it’s better now, but I swear I’m going insane. It took everything out of me to let her walk out that door.
Why does it feel like my attempt at doing the right thing by her was the worst thing I could’ve done?
I go and take a blistering hot shower to distract my thoughts. It almost works for the duration of the activity, but then I’m right back to thinking. Always fucking thinking. Shit, I need to get out of this place.
I head to the bar where I know the guys will be. When I arrive, I find them sitting at a table right at the back. Gerard does a double-take when he sees me. Damn, is my face really that rare now, or is my presence just that unexpected?
“Hey, man, what you doin’ here?” he asks.
I shake my head. “Don’t ask.”
“I’m getting you something to drink.” He’s up and heading for the bar before my butt even hits the seat.
I sit down at the table with Adam and Joe, taking off my jacket.
“How’s Beth?” Joe asks, across from me.
“She’s good, really good. Had a blast in Italy with Isabel and Vanessa. She loved Brooklyn.”
“Talking of Brooklyn, what you doin’ here?” Adam, sitting to the right of me, asks.
“I don’t even know where to start, shit is fucked up.”
“Alcohol and your buddies is what you need, brother,” Gerard says, as he places four Buds on the table. “That’s all you need right now. Fuck everything else.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” I came here for a distraction, not to talk about Brooklyn. I don’t even want to think about her.
“Hey, isn’t that your girl’s friend?” Gerard asks, sitting beside Joe.
I look behind me, in the direction of the bar, which isn’t too crowded. “Yeah, Leona.” I turn back to the guys.
“She’s hot,” Gerard says. “What’s she doin’ with that dude? He looks like he could use a hairbrush.”
I laugh at him. “Shut up, man.” He actually looks serious. “She’s better off with him than she is with someone like you.”
“So!”
“Stop lookin’ at her like that, she’s Brooklyn’s friend.”
I’m supposed to be not thinking about her. What the fuck is going on? Now I’m wondering
if she’s home alone. What in the hell am I supposed to do? I’m trying to give her space, but that is seriously messed up if she’s by herself.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” I get up from my chair and head over to Leona and Xavier, who are waiting to be served. “Hey, guys.”
“Hi, Dane,” Leona says, smiling wide. Xavier and I nod at each other in greeting.
“Is Brooklyn home?” I ask Leona.
“No, she’s out with Kayla.”
“Good. That’s good.”
Maybe I did do the right thing after all, if she’s doing something other than being with me.
I buy Leona and Xavier a drink and another round for the guys and me – even though I’m yet to have my first – and head back to the table.
I feel better now. Although, I’m hoping that when Leona tells her that she saw me, Brooklyn doesn’t start getting silly ideas in her head. She’s the most complex person I’ve ever met. Of course, she’s the first woman I’ve been this close to in a long time, but damn she confuses me.
Back at the table, I set the beers down, pull out my cell from my back pocket, and text Brooklyn as I sit down.
[Sweetheart, enjoy your night out with Kayla. Call me if you’re not going home together and I’ll come get you. Otherwise text or call me when you get in.]
Leaving my cell on the table, so I’ll see an incoming call or text if I don’t hear it, I reach for my Bud and suck some down.
“Saffron spoke to me before I left the house,” Adam says. This shit is never ending.
“Of course she did. She doesn’t need to be concerned about anything.”
“You know how she is, she’s worried about you.”
“I told her not to be when she text me a couple hours ago. Obviously that wasn’t good enough.”
“She’ll be more worried when she knows you were here.”
“I know. She’ll question me tomorrow, and no doubt Brooklyn will, too. Fuck, I can’t even breathe.”
“Why would Brooklyn question you?” Joe asks with genuine interest.
“She gets all insecure sometimes. She doesn’t trust me.” I can’t believe I’m sitting here having this type of conversation. It’s not what I came out for.