Myth Conceptions

by Robert Asprin

  "How long is that in centuries?" Brockhurst sneered.

  "Watch your mouth, Bratwurst!" the old man warned. "We may be old, but we can still teach you a thing or two about winnin' wars."

  "Who's Blackie?" I asked, cutting off Brockhurst's reply.

  In reply, the old man drew himself erect . . . well, nearly erect, and patted his walking staff.

  "This is Blackie!" he announced proudly. "The finest bow ever to come from Archiah, and that takes in a lot of fine bows!"

  I realized with a start that the walking staff was a bow, unstrung, with its bowstring wrapped around it. It was unlike any bow I had ever seen, lumpy and uneven, but polished to a sheen that seemed to glimmer with a life all its own.

  "Wait a minute!" Brockhurst was suddenly attentive. "Did you say you come from Archiah?"

  "That I did," the old man grinned. "Ajax's the name, fighting's my game. Ain't seen a war yet that could lay old Ajax low, and I've seen a lot of 'em."

  "Um . . . could you excuse us for just a minute, sir?" Brockhurst smiled apologetically.

  "Sure, son," Ajax nodded. "Take your time."

  I couldn't understand the Imp's sudden change in attitude, but he seemed quite intense as he jerked his head at me, so I leaned close to hear what he had to say.

  "Hire him, boss!" he hissed in my ear.

  "What?" I gasped, not believing I had heard him right.

  "I said hire him!" the Imp repeated. "I may not have much to offer you, but I can give you advice. Right now, my advice is to hire him."

  "But he's-"

  "He's from Archiah!" Brockhurst interrupted. "Boss, that dimension invented archery. You don't find many genuine Archers of any age for hire. If you've really got a war on your hands, hire him. He could tip the balance for us."

  "If he's that good," I whispered back, "can we afford him?"

  "One gold piece will be adequate," Ajax smiled toothily, adding his head to our conference. "I accept your offer."

  "Excellent!" Brockhurst beamed.

  "Wait a minute," I shrieked desperately, "I have a partner that-"

  "I know, I know," Ajax sighed, holding up a restraining hand. "I heard when you told Bratwurst here."

  "That's Brockhurst," the Imp growled, but he did it smiling.

  "If your partner can't find help, then we're hired!" the old man laughed, shaking his head. "It's a mite strange, but these are strange times."

  "You can say that again," I muttered.

  I was beginning to think I had spoken too loud in my conversation with Brockhurst.

  "One thing you should know, though, youngster," Ajax murmured confidentially. "I'm bein' followed."

  "By who?" I asked.

  "Don't rightly know," he admitted. "Haven't figured it out yet. It's the little blue fella in the corner behind me."

  I craned my neck to look at the indicated corner. It was empty.

  "What fella? I mean, fellow," I corrected myself.

  Ajax whipped his head around with a speed that belied his frail appearance.

  "Dang it," he cursed. "He did it again. I'm telling you, youngster, that's why I can't figure what he's after!"

  "Ah . . . sure, Ajax," I said soothingly. "You'll catch him next time."

  Terrific. An Imp with no powers, and now an old Archer who sees things.

  My thoughts were interrupted by a gentle tap on my shoulder. I turned to find the gargoyle looming over me.

  "Your order's ready, sir," he said through his perma-smile.

  "My order?"

  "Yes, if you'll step this way."

  "There must be some mistake," I began, "I didn't. . ."

  The gargoyle was already gone, lumbering back to his counter. I considered ignoring him. Then I considered his size and countenance, and decided I should straighten out this misunderstanding in a polite fashion.

  "Excuse me," I told my charges. "I'll be right back."

  "Don't worry about us, boss," Brockhurst waved.

  I wasn't reassured.

  I managed to make my way to the counter without banging my sword against anything or anyone, a feat that raised my spirits for the first time that afternoon. Thus bolstered, I approached the gargoyle.

  "I . . . um . . . I don't recall ordering anything," I stated politely.

  "Don't blame you, either," the gargoyle growled through his smile. "Beats me how anyone or anything can eat the slop they serve here."

  "But-"

  "That was just to get you away from those two," the gargoyle shrugged. "You see, I'm shy."

  "Shy about what?"

  "About asking you for a job, of course!"

  I decided I would definitely have to keep my voice down in the future. My quiet conversation with Brockhurst seemed to have attracted the attention of half the Bazaar.

  "Look . . . um. . ."

  "Gus!" the gargoyle supplied.

  "Yes, well, ah, Gus, I'm really not hiring-"

  "I know. Your partner is," Gus interrupted. "But you're here and he isn't, so I figured I'd make our pitch to you before the second team roster is completely filled."

  "Oh!" I said, not knowing what else to say.

  "The way I see it," the gargoyle continued, "we could do you a lot of good. You're a Klahd, aren't you?"

  "I'm from Klah," I acknowledged stiffly.

  "Well, if my memory serves me correctly, warfare in that dimension isn't too far advanced technologically."

  "We have crossbows and catapults," I informed him. "At least the other side does."

  "That's what I said," Gus agreed. "Primitive. To stop that force, all you need is air support and a little firepower. We can supply both, and we'll work cheap, both of us for one gold piece."

  Now I was sure I had underestimated the market value of gold pieces. Still, the price was tempting.

  "I dunno, Gus," I said cagily. "Ajax there is supposed to be a pretty good Archer."

  "Archers," the gargoyle snorted. `-`I'm talking about real firepower. The kind my partner can give you."

  "Who is your partner?" I asked. "He isn't short and blue by any chance, is he?"

  "Naw," Gus replied, pointing to the far corner. "That's the Gremlin. He came in with the Archer."

  "A Gremlin?" I said, following his finger.

  Sure enough, perched on a chair in the corner was a small, elfish character. Mischievous eyes danced in his soft blue face as he nodded to me in silent recognition. Reflexively, I smiled and nodded back. Apparently I owed Ajax an apology.

  "I thought Gremlins didn't exist," I commented casually to Gus.

  "A lot of folks think that," the gargoyle agreed. "But you can see for yourself, they're real."

  I wasn't sure. In the split second I had taken my eyes off the Gremlin to speak with Gus, he had vanished without a trace. I was tempted to go looking for him, but Gus was talking again.

  "Just a second and I'll introduce you to my partner," he was saying. "He's here somewhere."

  As he spoke, the gargoyle began rummaging about his own body, feeling his armpits and peering into the wrinkles on his skin.

  I watched curiously, until my attention was arrested by a small lizard that had crawled out of one of the gargoyle's wing folds and was now regarding me fixedly from Gus's right shoulder. It was only about three inches long, but glowed with a brilliant orange hue. There were blotchy red patterns which seemed to crawl about the lizard's skin with a life of their own. The overall effect was startlingly beautiful.

  "Is that your lizard?" I asked.

  "There he is!" Gus crowed triumphantly, snatching the reptile from his shoulder and cupping it in his hands. "Meet Berfert. He's the partner I was telling you about."

  "Hello, Berfert," I smiled, extending a finger to stroke him.

  The gargoyle reacted violently, jerking the lizard back out of my reach.

  "Careful, there," he warned. "That's a good way to lose a finger."

  "I wasn't going to hurt him," I explained.

  "No, he was about to hurt you!"
Gus countered. "Berfert's a salamander, a walking firebomb. We get along because I'm one of the few beings around that won't burn to a crisp when I touch him."

  "Oh," I said with sudden understanding. "So when you said `firepower'-"

  "I meant firepower," Gus finished. "Berfert cleans 'em out on the ground, and I work 'em over from the air. Well, what do you say? Have we got a deal?"

  "I'll . . . um . . . have to talk it over with my partner," I countered.

  "Fine," Gus beamed. "I'll start packing."

  He was gone before I could stop him.

  I sagged against the counter, wishing fervently for Aahz's return. As if in answer to my thoughts, my mentor burst through the door, following closely by Tanda.

  My greeting died in my throat when I saw his scowl. Aahz was not in a good mood.

  "I thought I told you to wait outside," he bellowed at me.

  "Calm down, Aahz," Tanda soothed. "I thought he'd be more comfortable waiting in here. Besides, there's no reason to get upset. We're here and he's here. Nothing has gone wrong."

  "You haven't been dealing with any Deveels?" Aahz asked suspiciously.

  "I haven't even talked with any," I protested.

  "Good!" he retorted, slightly mollified. "There's hope for you yet, kid."

  "I told you he could stay out of trouble," Tanda smiled triumphantly. "Isn't that right, handsome?"

  Try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to answer her.

  Chapter Fifteen

  "I'll worry about it tomorrow."

  -S. O'HARA

  "Um . . . are the mercenaries waiting outside?" I asked finally.

  "You didn't answer her question, kid," Aahz observed, peering at me with renewed suspicion.

  "Don't strain your neck looking for your troops, handsome," Tanda advised me. "There weren't any. It seems our mighty negotiator has met his match."

  "Those bandits!" Aahz exploded. "Do you have any idea what it would cost us if I had agreed to pay their bar bill as part of the contract? If that's a nonprofit group, I want to audit their books."

  My hopes for salvation sank like a rock.

  "You didn't hire them?" I asked.

  "No, I didn't," Aahz scowled. "And that moves us back to square one. Now we've got to recruit a force one at a time."

  "Did you try-" I began.

  "Look, kid," Aahz interrupted with a snarl, "I did the best I could, and I got nowhere. I'd like to see you do better."

  "He already has!" Brockhurst announced, rising from his seat. "While you were wasting time, Skeeve here has hired himself a fighting team."

  "He what?" Aahz bellowed, turning on his critic. "Brockhurst! What are you doing here?"

  "Waiting for orders in our upcoming campaign," the Imp replied innocently.

  "What campaign?" Aahz glowered.

  "The one on Klah, of course," Brockhurst blinked. "Haven't you told him yet, boss?"

  "Boss?" Aahz roared. "Boss?"

  "No need to shout," Ajax grumbled, turning to face the assemblage. "We hear ya plain enough."

  "Ajax!" Tanda exclaimed gleefully.

  "Tanda!" the old man yelped back.

  She was at him in a bound, but he smoothly interposed his bow between them.

  "Easy, girl," he laughed. "None of your athletic greetings. I'm not as young as I used to be, ya know."

  "You old fraud!" Tanda teased. "You'll outlive us all."

  Ajax shrugged dramatically. "That kinda depends on how good a general the youngster there is," he commented.

  "Kid," Aahz growled through gritted teeth, "I want to talk to you! Now!"

  "I know that temper!" Gus announced, emerging from the back room.

  "Gus!" Aahz exclaimed.

  "In the stone!" the gargoyle confirmed. "Are you in on this expedition? The boss didn't say anything about working with Perverts."

  Instead of replying, Aahz sank heavily into a chair and hid his face in his hands.

  "Tanda!" he moaned. "Tell me again about how this kid can stay out of trouble."

  "Um . . . Aahz," I said cautiously, "could I talk to you for a minute . . . privately?"

  "Why, I think that's an excellent idea . . . boss," he said.

  The smile he gave me wasn't pleasant.

  "Kid!" Aahz moaned after I had finished my tale. "How many times do I have to tell you? This is the Bazaar a2 Deva! You've got to be careful what you say and to whom, especially when there's money involved."

  "But I told them nothing was definite until we found out if you had hired someone else," I protested.

  "But I didn't hire anyone else, so now the deal is final," Aahz sighed.

  "Can't we get out of it?" I asked hopefully.

  "Back out of ä deal on Deva?" Aahz shook his head. "That would get us barred from the Bazaar so fast it would make your head spin. Remember, the Merchants Association runs this dimension."

  "Well, you said you wanted outside help," I pointed out.

  "I didn't expect to go that far outside," he grimaced. "An Imp, a senile Archer, and a gargoyle."

  "And a salamander," I added.

  "Gus is still bumming around with Berfert?" Aahz asked, brightening slightly. "That's a plus."

  "The only really uncertain factor," I said thoughtfully, "is the Gremlin."

  "How do you figure that?" Aahz yawned.

  "Well, he's been following Ajax. The question is, why? And will he follow us to Klah?"

  "Kid," Aahz said solemnly, "I've told you before. There are no such things as Gremlins."

  "But Aahz, I saw him."

  "Don't let it bother you, kid," Aahz sympathized. "After a day like you've been through, I wouldn't be surprised if you saw a Jabberwocky."

  "What's a-"

  "Is everything set?" Tanda asked, joining our conversation.

  "About as set as we'll ever be," Aahz sighed. "Though if you want my honest opinion, with a crew like this, we're set more for a zoo than a war."

  "Aahz is a bit critical of my choice in recruits," I confided.

  "What's your gripe, Aahz?" she asked, cocking her head. "I thought you and Gus were old foxhole buddies."

  "I'm not worried about Gus," Aahz put in hastily. "Or Berfert either. That little lizard's terrific under fire."

  "Well, I can vouch for Ajax," Tanda informed him. "Don't let his age fool you. I'd rather have him backing my move than a whole company of-counterfeit archers."

  "Is he really from Archiah?" Aahz asked skeptically.

  "That's what 'he's said as long as I've known him," Tanda shrugged. "And after seeing him shoot, I've got no reason to doubt it. Why?"

  "I've never met a genuine Archer before," Aahz said. "For a while I was willing to believe the whole dimension was a legend. Well, if he can shoot half as well as Archers are supposed to, I've got no gripes having him on the team."

  I started to feel a little better. Unfortunately, Aahz noticed my smile.

  "The Imp is another story," he said grimly. "I'm not wild about working with any Imp, but to hire one without powers is a waste of good money."

  "Don't forget he's an Assassin," Tanda pointed out. "Powers or no powers, I'll bet we find a use for him. When we were talking with the Gremlin just now-"

  "Now don't you start on that!" Aahz snarled.

  "Start on what?" Tanda blinked.

  "The Gremlin bit," Aahz scowled. "Any half-wit knows there are no such things as Gremlins."

  "Do you want to tell him that?" Tanda smiled. "I'll call him over here and . . . oh, rats! He's gone again."

  "If you're quite through," Aahz grumbled, rising from his chair, "we'd best get moving. There's a war waiting for us, you know."

  "Oops! That reminds me!" Tanda exclaimed, fishing inside her tunic.

  "I know I shouldn't ask," Aahz signed, "but what-"

  "Here!" Tanda announced, flipping him a familiar object.

  It was a metal rod about eight inches long and two inches in diameter with a button on one end of it.

  "A D-Hopper!" I cri
ed, recognizing the device instantly.

  "It's the same one you gave Isstvan," Tanda smiled proudly. "I lifted it from him when we parted company. You'll probably want to undo whatever you did to the controls before you use it, though."

  "If I can remember for sure," Aahz scowled, staring at the device.

  "I thought it might come in handy in case we get separated on this job and you need a fast exit," Tanda shrugged.

  "The thought's appreciated," Aahz smiled, putting an arm around her.

  "Does this mean you'll be able to teach me how to travel the dimensions?" I asked hopefully.

  "Not now I won't," Aahz grimaced. "We've got a war to fight, remember?"

  "Oh! Yes, of course."

  "Well, get your troops together and let's go," Aahz ordered.

  "Okay," I agreed, rising from my chair. "I'll get Gleep and . . . wait a minute! Did you say my troops?"

  "You hired 'em, you lead 'em," my mentor smiled.

  "But you're-"

  "I'll be your military advisor, of course," Aahz continued casually. "But the job of Fearless Leader is all yours. You're the court magician, remember?"

  I swallowed hard. Somehow this had never entered into my thinking.

  "But what do I do?" I asked desperately.

  "Well," Aahz drawled. "First, I'd advise you to move 'em outside so we can all head for Klah together . . . that is, unless you're willing to leave your dragon behind."

  That didn't even deserve an answer. I turned to face the troops, sweeping them with what I hoped was a masterful gaze which would immediately command their attention.

  No one noticed. They were all involved in a jovial conversation.

  I cleared my throat noisily.

  Nothing.

  I considered going over to their table.

  "Listen up!" Aahz barked suddenly, scaring me half to death.

  The conversation stopped abruptly and all heads swiveled my way.

  "Aah . . ." I began confidently. "We're ready to go now. Everybody outside. Wait for me by the dragon."

  "Right, boss!" Brockhurst called, starting for the door.

  "I'll be a minute, youngster," Ajax wheezed, struggling to rise.

  "Here, Gramps," Gus said. "Let me give you a hand."

  "Name's not Gramps, it's Ajax!" the Archer scowled.

  "Just trying to be helpful," the gargoyle apologized.