Love You Better

by Martin, Natalie K

  23.

  Effie opened the front door just as Lou clambered out of the car, sucking on an ice lolly. She was perfectly dressed for the summer in tiny shorts, a vest and flip-flops. The fragile, heartbroken version of her friend had come a long way.

  ‘Do you need a hand?’ Effie asked as Lou swung her handbag onto her shoulder.

  ‘Yep,’ Lou replied, taking plastic bags from the back seat. ‘You can take the foot spa. It’s in the boot.’

  Effie clicked the latch of the front door down and opened the boot to look at the bags inside. ‘Is that all booze?’

  ‘There’s food as well, obviously.’ Lou grinned as Effie took the big box containing the foot spa from the boot. ‘We’re having a proper girly pamper day. No cutting corners.’

  Lou followed her into the house and dumped the bags on the kitchen table. ‘Right. Food-wise, we’ve got baguettes, cheese, salad, breadsticks and assorted dips, plus olives for you.’

  Effie put the foot spa on the table. ‘Ooh, yum. Thanks.’

  ‘God knows how you eat that stuff. Talk about gross.’ Lou pulled a face. ‘We’ve also got strawberries, blueberries and pineapple. For booze, we’ve got Pimm’s and a couple of bottles of wine.’

  ‘I’ve forgotten how much you like to boss people around,’ Effie replied, putting the drinks in the fridge. ‘Let’s start with Pimm’s.’

  ‘And away from the alcohol and food,’ Lou continued, ‘I’ve brought the foot spa, face masks and mani-pedi stuff. I forgot the creams and scrubs for our feet, though.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it. Izzy sent me loads of products for my birthday, I’m pretty sure I’ve got some upstairs.’

  ‘This is going to be sooooo good,’ Lou said as she set about chopping up strawberries and cucumber for the Pimm’s.

  ‘It is.’ Effie grinned. It was the perfect spring day. The sun was shining, the sky was a clear blue and there were two sunloungers waiting in the garden with their names on them. ‘So how are things with Mickey?’

  Lou shrugged. ‘We spoke a couple of days ago. He wanted to hear me out about what happened.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And that was it. He said he needed to have time to calm down before we spoke, and I guess he has now. I haven’t spoken to him since, though.’

  Lou turned to face her, holding the jug of Pimm’s in her hand. She was smiling, but Effie could still see the pain behind her eyes.

  ‘Do you think there’s a chance for you two?’

  ‘Nope.’ Lou shrugged. ‘I dunno. I keep thinking, if it were the other way around, would I be able to take him back? Would I forgive him? The answer changes on a daily basis.’

  Effie could understand that. Could she forgive Oliver? Since he’d posted the notes through the letterbox, she’d reverted to the mental state she’d been in right after he’d left. She could wake up in the morning, convinced that they were over, but by the afternoon, she’d be bombarded by the good memories they’d created and the overwhelming sense of duty to stick to the vows they’d made. She wondered if Mickey was still resolute that his relationship with Lou was finished. Both Lou and Oliver had done something that was unforgiveable in one way or another.

  ‘You still want him back, though?’ Effie asked.

  ‘Of course I do. All I can do now is think positive and hope he changes his mind. I’ll see him at Smith’s barbecue, I’m sure. Maybe I’ll have a better idea then.’

  That’d be interesting. Smith was having a barbecue for his birthday, and it would be the first time Lou and Mickey would be in the same space since they’d split. Effie hoped for her sake that it wouldn’t turn into a car crash.

  She took the dips and breadsticks and followed Lou outside as they padded across the garden.

  ‘What about you? Is the douchebag still sending you flowers?’

  ‘Hold on a sec.’ Effie went back into the kitchen and dug out the cards he’d posted from a drawer. She took them out to Lou, who was sitting on her lounger. ‘He posted these a couple of days ago. I haven’t heard from him since.’

  She drank her Pimm’s as Lou looked through the cards. All she’d had since he’d posted them was radio silence, and it was starting to bother her. Why? She sighed. God, it was all so confusing. She hated him for what he’d done, but at the same time, she found herself missing parts of him. She missed having someone to come home to, to hug when she felt wobbly, to talk to over dinner. She found herself questioning whether her heart was really broken over their separation, even though her head told her it should be. At first, she’d felt overwhelmed by his attempts to win her back. All she’d wanted was to be left alone. She’d got her wish when he stopped, but the initial relief had morphed into a nagging sense of disappointment weighing down in her chest. He’d given up so easily.

  Lou handed back the cards with a scowl. ‘Pathetic. None of this crap excuses what he did.’

  ‘I know.’ Effie nodded.

  So why do I miss him?

  Maybe he hadn’t really meant what he’d written. Maybe it was all a ploy to get back at her for throwing him out. He was confusing the hell out of her. At least when Smith had gone, he’d gone. She wasn’t on tenterhooks, waiting to see when he’d be back. It had ended and that was that – until he’d come back anyway.

  ‘I still can’t believe it,’ Lou said, shaking her head. ‘To think I was singing his praises the whole time. He totally pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes.’

  ‘I know,’ Effie replied.

  ‘He makes Smith look like the perfect guy.’

  ‘Ha!’ Effie laughed, sitting back on her lounger. ‘When you put it like that, maybe we should just swear off men.’

  ‘No way. I’m going to do everything I can to get mine back.’ Lou propped herself up on her elbows. ‘Maybe I was wrong about Smith.’

  ‘In what sense?’

  ‘Well, I was always quick to point out his flaws because he hurt you so much, but he’s been so different since he came back. When you told me about him bringing you home when you got sick, it didn’t surprise me at all. He totally screwed things up, but you were a great couple. And even though he might not be the most reliable and perfect of men, at least he loved you. He’d never have done anything to hurt you, not in the way that Olly did.’

  Effie nodded. She was right about that, but a broken heart hurt just as much as being beaten up, if not more.

  ‘You know if you wanted to, you could just reach out and grab him. You know he still loves you.’

  ‘As if. Bringing me home and taking me for a drink doesn’t mean he’s in love with me, and I’m in no position to be reaching out and grabbing anyone.’

  The last thing she needed was complications. Having Smith stay at her place for a few hours so she could sleep was one thing. Taking it further when she was in a state of flux about Oliver was quite another. And anyway, there was nothing to say that there was anything to take further, even if she wanted to. Things had been friendly enough between her and Smith since the day he’d brought her home, and he’d sent her the odd text to see if she was doing okay, but apart from seeing him at work, nothing between them had changed. Certainly not to the extent where she could reach out and grab him.

  They lay on their loungers in silence, soaking up the sun and drinking their drinks. The distinctive smell of a charcoal barbecue infused the air, and Effie’s stomach rumbled. She sat up and tied her hair up in a high bun. The chemical straightening she’d had for her birthday had grown out, and her curls had returned. Since Oliver had left, she hadn’t even so much as reached for her GHDs, and now she was left with a huge mass of bouncy curls. She took the lids off the dips and stuck a breadstick into the taramasalata.

  ‘Ah, this is bliss.’ Lou sighed and Effie smiled. She couldn’t agree more.

  ‘Is this ready to come off, do you think?’ Effie asked, trying not to move her mouth to
o much against the firm set of the clay mask Lou had applied.

  Lou peered at her face. ‘Yep, I think so.’

  The afternoon had passed in a beautiful blur of Pimm’s, light food and sunbathing. Maybe it was the booze, but as Effie removed the cucumber slices from her eyes, she could’ve sworn there was an almost magical haze to the atmosphere. It was like looking at the world through a filtered camera lens. The bushes in the garden were ultra-green and the sky ultra-blue, and the air was dotted with tiny dandelion seeds fluttering in the breeze. She leaned back on her hands and looked up at the sky. It was a day she never wanted to end.

  ‘Do you want anything from inside?’ she asked.

  ‘Some of that brie would be nice. And more booze.’

  Effie swung her legs to the side of the sunlounger and let her feet sink into the grass. It reminded her of her wedding night, when she’d escaped outside for a moment of solitude and stepped out of her heels. She did her best to disguise the pang in her chest and ignore the confusion about whether the pang was about seeing Smith for the first time after so long or the memory of how happy she’d been on her wedding day. It was hard to believe it was only six months ago. How quickly things had changed. They hadn’t even made it to their first anniversary without things falling apart. Effie sighed and stood up, and her knees almost buckled.

  ‘Oh, god.’ She gripped the back of the sunlounger. Olly was standing by the back door, looking at her.

  ‘What?’ Lou asked and followed the trail of Effie’s stare back to the house. ‘What the hell is he doing here?’

  Effie didn’t say anything as she looked at her husband. How had he got in? The locks had been changed, and she’d been meticulous about keeping the windows closed, even in the midst of their freak heatwave.

  ‘Did you take the door off the latch when you came in?’ she asked as quietly as she could without taking her eyes off Oliver.

  Lou swore. ‘I didn’t realise it was on. I thought it had closed behind me.’ She swore again. ‘I’m sorry.’

  Effie shook her head. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

  There was no point stressing about it now. It had to come to a head sooner or later. It was just a shame it had to be today, on what had turned out to be one of the best days she’d had in a long time.

  ‘Don’t, Effie,’ Lou said, standing up and putting her hand on Effie’s shoulder. ‘Don’t let him try and win you back.’

  ‘I’m not,’ Effie replied. ‘But this is his house.’

  ‘So come stay with me, and leave that dickhead here on his own. Don’t let him manipulate you.’

  Lou threw Oliver a look of pure disdain, but he still didn’t budge from the doorway. It must have been obvious that Lou knew what he’d done and was rallying around her best friend, but he seemed to be waiting to be given the all-clear before making contact.

  Effie sighed. ‘I have to talk to him.’

  ‘Why?’

  Effie looked at him again. He looked like a child, worried about whether it was safe to cross the playground. She wanted to hear what he had to say. It was shaky ground, she knew. She was confused; Oliver could turn on the charm when he needed to, and she’d told herself she wouldn’t ever take him back, but she still wondered if somewhere, deep down, she still loved him. Having Smith around had turned her head, distracted her and made her question her life, but what she had with Oliver was different. It was bound in marriage. Surely that had to mean something? And somewhere, in a place she’d been trying to keep buried, part of her was wondering if they could try again and make a go of things. Maybe they could go back to the good times they’d had.

  ‘Because I have to,’ she said.

  ‘But what if he tries something?’

  ‘He won’t. He wouldn’t, and I’m not scared of him.’

  ‘But I’m scared for you.’

  ‘Seriously, Lou, it’s fine.’

  ‘No way am I leaving you with him.’ Lou shook her head. ‘But if you really want to talk to him – and I have no idea why you would – then I’ll wait in the car.’

  Effie nodded. It sounded like a fair compromise.

  ‘You come straight out if anything goes wrong. And if you need to, you’ll stay at mine. Okay?’

  ‘I will.’ Effie nodded. ‘I promise.’

  Lou hugged her, and Effie watched as she walked across the garden. Oliver stepped outside to let her pass, and she hovered in front of him, staring him down. The look on Oliver’s face made it clear that he was embarrassed. And so he should be.

  With Lou gone, he walked across the grass and started to speak, but she cut him off.

  ‘I need to go clean up.’

  Oliver nodded. ‘Sure. I’ll wait inside.’

  ‘No, we’ll talk out here.’

  She didn’t want to feel trapped. She wanted to be outside, not surrounded by photos of them to sway her mind.

  Okay, Effie. You can do this.

  And, she wanted to give the impression of being in control. He’d come into the house without warning, but she wanted this to be on her terms.

  You’re in control.

  24.

  Effie looked at Oliver through the kitchen window. Seeing him in a plain T-shirt, shorts and boat shoes, she could almost imagine that things were normal, and he was chilling out in the garden, waiting for her to join him. In a parallel universe, that was probably what was happening. She took a gulp of water and headed outside. It was crunch time.

  She pulled her lounger away from his and sat cross-legged. ‘How did you get in?’

  ‘The door was on the latch.’ He had the good grace to look sheepish. ‘I hope you don’t mind. I had to take advantage of it. I had to see you.’

  His skin had tanned since she’d last seen him, and he looked good. He looked how he had on Koh Tao, beautifully bronzed. But she’d since learned that looks didn’t mean anything. He rested his elbows on his knees and crossed his arms.

  ‘You look great,’ he said, looking her over.

  She had no makeup on, and she was wearing a pair of old shorts and a T-shirt. She’d looked way more glamorous than this.

  ‘What were you expecting?’ she asked. ‘An emaciated mess?’

  Oliver shook his head. ‘Not at all. You’re strong. I’m not surprised you’re doing so well.’

  Effie shrugged. All her life, she’d had to be resilient and flexible. This was just another in a long line of tests life had thrown her way. She reached down and picked a blade of grass from the ground.

  ‘What do you want?’ she asked, looking down at it and slowly tearing it in half.

  ‘I miss you.’

  ‘I already know that. You’ve told me a billion times.’

  ‘But I haven’t actually told you. Not face-to-face. I felt like I had to give it one more try. Just one last shot.’ He looked down at his hands. ‘I had to.’

  ‘Why? I told you, it’s over.’

  He looked back up at her. ‘I can’t accept that.’

  Effie shook her head and looked away. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone? Why did he have to show her this side of his personality, the sincere, repentant side, after showing her the parts of him that were as destructive as an atom bomb?

  ‘I can’t live without you, Effie.’

  ‘You seem to be doing alright so far.’ And he did. He looked well. He didn’t look undernourished or anguished.

  He laughed shortly. ‘You couldn’t be more wrong. This last month has been like living half a life. I’ve swayed from wanting to bombard you with texts and calls to telling myself to let you go, but I can’t. I know it’s the right thing to do, to see you happy. But I can’t stay away from you.’

  It sounded like he was confused too, just like she was, torn between wanting to keep a hold on the life they’d started together, and doing what was best. How were they even in this sit
uation? How did a guy like Oliver, someone who’d been raised to be a gentleman, with every opportunity anyone could ever wish for, be apologising to his wife for hitting her?

  The image of his face, twisted with rage, filled her head. She saw the blurry movement of his leg as his foot connected with her stomach over and over again and the way his spit angrily hit her cheek, burning like fire. She gulped and closed her eyes. What the hell should she say? The Oliver she’d seen that night wasn’t her Oliver. He wasn’t Olly – the man who spoke like Prince Harry and who had charmed his way into her life. The man she’d seen that night was someone else, a total stranger.

  ‘You have no idea how you’ve turned my life around. It’s as if I was just drifting along before I met you, and then – boom. Everything made sense.’ He picked at his nails. ‘I’d never felt like that before. I’d never had a moment of clarity like that before, and I know you felt it too.’

  When he looked back at her, his eyes were filled with tears, but he blinked them away, which was just as well. She’d been holding her breath while he spoke, and she didn’t think she could cope with seeing him cry.

  ‘I knew, right then, what I wanted. I had a house and I had my job, but I hadn’t realised how empty I’d felt until you. You made me want to live. To think about really settling down, getting married, having kids.’ He paused to rub his eyes. ‘I’m still doing that anger management course.’

  Effie nodded and cleared her throat. ‘That’s good.’

  ‘I didn’t realise how angry I really was. How screwed up I was. The whole thing with Dad’s affair affected me more than I really understood, and I let it spill over into us. The things we argued about . . .’ He shook his head. ‘I tried to control you, insulted you. I hurt you. And I never wanted to do that. I only ever wanted to take care of you, and instead I used all of your hurts to manipulate you.’

  She drew her knees up to her chest as if they could guard her heart. His apology was so heartfelt that she could already feel the barriers that had come up since the night she’d thrown him out beginning to come down. She tightened her arms around her knees.