History Is All You Left Me

by Adam Silvera

  Wade scoots closer to me. “You’re not complicated. Theo became stupid. He’s a genius academically, but he’s become a gigantic idiot when it comes to dealing with you.” He takes a deep breath. “I have to tell you something. Theo got a single room for his sophomore year so he can have more private time with Jackson. I don’t think Jackson is going anywhere anytime soon.”

  I stare at Wade’s bed. My heart pounds. I can hear construction outside in the hallway, the TV his mom left on before leaving to play dominoes with friends. Theo is moving on because I was insecure. “I shouldn’t have doubted him.”

  “Stop blaming yourself, dude.” Wade pats my shoulder. “I was there from the start. You did everything. Hell, you maybe did too much. That’s a good thing! If Theo wants to throw that away, you need to throw him away.”

  “That’s your best friend,” I say.

  Wade shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter. Theo shouldn’t have asked you to wait around for him, like you’re some backup plan.”

  “He admitted it was selfish.”

  Wade looks into my eyes. “Stop defending him, Griffin. And stop putting him on some throne. Theo’s messing up is his fault, not yours.”

  He pulls me into a hug, which is rare. But I need it. I hug him back. Then he kisses me, which is unimaginable.

  I don’t know what’s happening, and I don’t know why I haven’t stopped it. I don’t have feelings for Wade, never have, and not just because I thought he was straight. But I haven’t been kissed like this since June, and that was a secret stolen kiss with Theo, which we never talked about again. It’s different, too. I never thought I would ever kiss anyone who wasn’t Theo. I never thought some kisses come with different rhythms. Wade is slower than Theo, but it works.

  I like it.

  At that moment, I stop kissing Wade. He’s Theo’s best friend.

  “What the hell?” I gasp, backing off.

  Wade doesn’t apologize. He stares at me, probably expecting me to punch him or to run away. He’s no longer the same Wade I grew up with and this dizzies me, even more so than the news of Theo getting the single room so he can pretty much live with Jackson. I wouldn’t have known this without Wade, the only person who’s really been by my side since this breakup. I can’t count on Theo.

  So I kiss Wade again. I kiss him because he’s Theo’s best friend.

  I have a thousand questions, but I don’t need a single answer right now. There’s only the urgency to prove to Wade that I am complicated, that I’m the real idiot who does idiot things and that’s why Theo doesn’t want me. If I’m as good as Wade thinks I am, then it wouldn’t make sense for Theo to jump into bed so quickly with someone else.

  I take off my shirt and pull off Wade’s too. I climb on top of Wade and he sinks to the floor, flat on his back, and I kiss him a lot like Theo kissed me the last afternoon we had sex. It’s not long before we make it into his bed, completely undressing ourselves, and Wade confesses this is his first time—across the board. I take the lead. I close my eyes the entire time.

  It doesn’t last long. But it has rerouted everything.

  I get dressed in a hurry. I can’t look at Wade on my way out; I ignore him as he asks me to stay so we can talk this out. I’ve had many destructive urges like this over the past year, but I figured if I ever did give in to one, it would be with a stranger, not with someone who’s been sitting front row in my life the past few years.

  I want to tell Theo, but I know I can’t. There’s no coming back from a betrayal like this, not ever.

  Wednesday, August 31st, 2016

  I keep digging and digging. Theo is never going to take me back. Not after he learns I’ve had sex with Wade five times already. The first time took both of us by surprise; the second took Wade by surprise, when I appeared at his front door, pissed off because Theo posted a photo of Jackson on Instagram. The third time was because I stupidly went on Jackson’s Facebook page and his three most recent profile pictures all included Theo. The fourth time was because I found the “Griffin on the Left” clip Theo made for my birthday two years ago and was disappointed in myself for believing he’d actually finish it. Most recently was because I was broken and lonely and only felt whole when I was losing myself with him.

  But now Wade is holding out for the sixth time.

  “You don’t talk to me anymore,” Wade says. “And you know there’s a lot to talk about.”

  I’ve never asked Wade how long he’s known he’s gay or bisexual or curious or whatever. Big talks haven’t really been part of the plan. I come over, I do something I wish I could black out, and I go home wondering if I’ll ever have the nerve to drop this bomb on Theo.

  “Let’s talk afterward.” I lean in and reach for his zipper, but he catches my hand and backs up.

  “You said that last time,” Wade says.

  I consider walking out, but then I might lose my only friend. It hasn’t felt like friendship lately, or even friendship with benefits—just benefits. I can’t use him the same way Theo is taking advantage of me. “You’re right.” I get up, moving over to his spinning chair. “I’m sorry. It’s really easy to get caught up in my own bullshit lately.”

  “I get it.” His tone is nicer than I deserve. It makes me angry; why, I don’t know.

  “So.” I spin around in the chair. “Why didn’t you tell us you’re gay?”

  “I don’t really care about titles right now, but Theo actually knew. I told him last year,” Wade says.

  I stop spinning. “Were Theo and I dating? Where was I?”

  “The afternoon you had me distract Theo while you hunted down a graduation cap for his surprise party. I kept it real with him because I wanted to know how he knew which feelings to trust.” Wade bounces the ball against the wall, keeping his eyes off of me.

  “But why didn’t you tell me?” Not being in on something from our squad makes me feel like the third wheel I was when I first started hanging out with them, the third wheel Wade was terrified of becoming after Theo and I came out.

  “I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. You and Theo made big deals about everything, and that’s not me.” Wade misses his next catch, and the ball rolls under the bed. He gives up and sits down on the floor. “You confused me too. I really wanted what you and Theo had, and I wanted it with you. Don’t worry, I’m not in love with you.”

  This wasn’t actually a concern of mine. If anything, it’s another reminder how unloved I am these days, but I keep that to myself.

  “It’s been really hard watching you so hurt,” Wade says. “I wanted to make you feel better, and it was risky, so I made a move. I didn’t expect it to get so far.”

  “Me either.”

  I hope he isn’t trying to start something up with me. I love Theo way too much to fake interest in someone else. Sex is one thing to cover up, but I can’t bullshit love. “You cool with it? Being gay or bi or whatever?”

  “You and Theo made it look pretty cool. You guys were like bros that kiss and have sex. That sounds wrong, but you know what I mean.” Wade rolls his eyes at himself, fighting back a yawn. “I wish it was as easy as you and Theo made it look. But I got freaked out along the way and didn’t know what would happen if I got rejected. I didn’t want to screw up our friendship.”

  I’m tempted to respond to his honesty with some of my own, how I’m only engaging with him sexually to get back at Theo, even though I’m not sure that’s a gun I ever want to shoot. Wade would be stupid not to suspect this, but there’s a huge difference between suspecting someone has a gun and finding one pointed at you. He doesn’t deserve or need to be hurt. He deserves a hell of a lot better.

  Maybe he and I can still be friends. But that’s as far as we can go with this. Nothing else—except hopefully that sixth time in bed.

  Thursday, September 8th, 2016

  I’m playing zombie laser t
ag with the wrong person. Wade wanted to play laser tag for his birthday, but I wasn’t counting on his selecting the zombie game. I didn’t know this existed; otherwise, I would’ve treated Theo to it for his birthday or for date night. That doesn’t matter, though; I’m not letting it ruin my night or, more importantly, Wade’s night.

  We run around the arena with our team, using our sci-fi-looking blasters and bows and foam-tipped arrows to take out the glow-in-the-dark zombies slithering and growling against the walls. We stay close, our arms pressed against each other, and I feel so trained for this battle from all our imagined zombie-pirate apocalypse scenarios. We end up in a lab, when a zombie pops out of a locker and our entire team unloads their magazines of lasers into this poor son of a bitch. But when four zombies flank us from every exit, I spin around with the laser blaster like a maniac.

  A zombie scratches at Wade, who’s too busy laughing at me to notice. He only collapses when he finally registers what’s going on.

  I let the zombies get me too. I’m not fighting this battle without Wade.

  My heart rate settles down as Wade and I exit from where we started, pass all the blood-streaked corridors and through the destroyed fences. We’re both sweaty, catching our breath. It triggers memories of having sex with Wade. I wonder if it does the same thing for him. We’ve been really good about not doing that anymore.

  We go to our shared locker, grab our phones and wallets, and go to their burger joint and buy overpriced bottles of water. Wade’s phone vibrates. It’s Theo trying to FaceTime him. Wade screens the call.

  “You can answer it,” I say. It’s not like Theo and I aren’t talking.

  “I’m having fun with you,” Wade says. “I can hit him up later.”

  I’m a little relieved, honestly. And I’m having fun with Wade, too.

  Saturday, September 24th, 2016

  Wade and I are crouching on the sidewalk, checking out the discounted books on the blanket by the curb. There’s absolutely zero chance of me focusing on reading anything after Theo’s call an hour ago: Jackson wants us to stop talking, for good. Maybe Theo broke our taboo rule—like I did—and finally told Jackson about our kiss and promises. All I know is Theo told Jackson he’s not kicking me out of his life. That didn’t go over well with anyone.

  “Theo is trying to do the right thing,” I tell Wade, who’s been really upset since the call.

  Wade drops a book with a Greyhound bus on the cover. “You’re smarter than this, Griffin. There’s going to come a time when keeping you happy is no longer the right thing. He’s going to choose Jackson.”

  I stand. Crowds are continuing into Times Square, so I turn the other way and walk off. Wade chases me down, but he’s not apologizing for saying the wrong thing like he normally does.

  He stops me, gripping my shoulders and staring into my eyes. It’s intense, and whenever I try looking away, Wade shifts himself back into focus. “Stop getting pissed because I’m the only one keeping it real with you. You need to move on. It doesn’t have to be me or anyone, but you’re going to drive yourself insane waiting around for him. I hate watching this.”

  I want to break out of his grip and push him away, but I know he’s the only one here for me.

  “Why do you care so much?”

  “You’re such an idiot. I’ve always cared.” Wade reaches into my jacket pocket and pulls out the Cedric Diggory key chain he got me for my birthday last year, dangling the keys in front of my face. “You were never paying attention.” He forces the keys into my hand, closing his own around mine. “I was never going to make a move on you because of Theo, but I still wanted you happy. The key chain of your favorite Harry Potter character. That collage of you and Theo.” His narrowed eyes are watering. “I wanted to make one of you and me, but I respected you guys as friends.”

  Focusing on Theo these past few years has prevented me from truly appreciating Wade’s role in my life. He’s not just some third wheel who claims to be psychic. He doesn’t just say the wrong thing at the wrong times. He’s a capital p Person who speaks the truth and looks out for everyone’s future, sometimes before his own.

  Wade lets go of me and my heart continues speeding. “I’m done with Theo. It’s almost been a year and that asshole still has you waiting for a phone call. It’s not right.”

  “I can’t get rid of him,” I say. “He wants me in his life, and I can’t do that to him.” I don’t break eye contact with him. “I don’t want you to go either. I want to be more for you, but it’s going to take time. Can you give me that?”

  “Can you actually try?”

  “I will.”

  I have to be careful with him. Wade is a Person and I don’t want to play with his head the way Theo has played with mine. Believing in hope hasn’t gotten me far, and I don’t want it to hold Wade back either.

  Sunday, November 13th, 2016

  Wade and I are in bed, legs tangled in one another’s, and we’re eating tortilla chips. The heater is blasting and movie scores are playing in the background of our conversation about attractive Avengers.

  “I’m not a huge fan of any of the Bruce Banners,” I say, scooping a chip into the bowl of salsa. I’m extra careful not to drip because Wade will freak and try to clean the blanket immediately. “Thor is pretty damn awesome to look at, but I’m feeling pretty loyal to the Captain.”

  “Can I be Team Captain America and Team Black Widow?”

  “Of course.”

  “Okay. Can I be Team Captain America and Team Black Widow and Team Tony Stark?”

  “You need a fourth,” I say.

  “Right. Team Captain America, Team Black Widow, Team Tony Stark, and Team Griffin.”

  I bite back a smile. “You’re not playing the game right. I’m not an Avenger.” He’s about to counter, but I interrupt him. “You should’ve come out sooner. We could’ve had squad chats like this.”

  That vision doesn’t feel wrong: talking about dudes with Theo and Wade, as normal as a group of straight guys talking about which girls they like. Maybe this kind of talk is what Theo was hoping for when he brought Jackson around earlier this year. It was never going to make sense for me in the place I was in. Things are different now.

  “Screw Captain America, screw Black Widow, and screw Tony Stark and all his money. I want to be Team Griffin,” Wade says. “When are we giving that a shot?”

  That vision of Wade and me doesn’t feel wrong either. A little blurry, yeah, because I definitely still have feelings for Theo, but they’re not as strong as they used to be. Moving on feels weird. Moving on with someone who used to be Theo and mine’s third wheel feels even weirder. Things have changed over the past couple of months. I’ve spent less time hanging out with Wade because Theo indirectly sent me running there and more because it’s where I want to be.

  “I want to talk to Theo about it first,” I say. I have a lot I need to get off my chest. Some of it includes Wade, but not all of it. “You cool with that?”

  Wade nods, untangling his legs. “I can wait another day.”

  We hang out for a little bit longer before I slip on my new winter boots—it felt weird wearing the ones Theo bought me—and kiss Wade at the door. “I’ll call you later.”

  “You better or I’m off Team Griffin.”

  I walk around my bedroom, knowing I’m pretty much saying goodbye to the future I’ve been imagining for myself for the past couple of years. I don’t feel super confident in a future with Wade just yet, and there’s a chance I never will, but I’m not feeling as hopeless. Theo is with Jackson, and I’m going to try things out with Wade. If Theo and I are meant to get back together, then it’ll happen in its own way. But I’m not waiting anymore. Wade was right.

  I call Theo and it goes to voice mail. “Hey, Theo, it’s Griff. I sort of need to talk to you about something big. It’s not about us, I swear. That’s a little bit o
f a lie, it involves us a little, but not what you think. Anyway. Call me back.”

  TODAY

  Saturday, December 17th, 2016

  There it is, Theo.

  I was hiding history from you. Maybe this blindsided you. Maybe you suspected this all along. But here’s what I bet you didn’t count on, because it took me by surprise, too: I see myself falling in love with Wade. It’s a twist in our own love story that has my head spinning and my heart pounding. I thought I would use him as revenge for you moving on, but I never thought I would be actually moving on too.

  I wanted to do this right by being honest with you the way you were with me when Jackson entered your life. Please believe me when I tell you now that I’d actually found the strength to officially shelve our endgame plan when you missed my call.

  You died four hours later.

  When I got the news, I didn’t cry just because it meant we’d never get to be in love again, but also because my best friend would no longer share this universe with me. I don’t know what you would’ve thought of me with Wade, but it doesn’t matter now. I was in love and love died and the pain you’ve left isn’t pain I can see myself having the strength to face again.

  But this doesn’t stop me from entering Wade’s building. This doesn’t stop me from hoping he’ll be home and hoping he won’t turn me away. I get into the elevator and it’s miraculously going nonstop between the ground level and the twenty-seventh floor, but it still somehow feels like it’s taking forever, even longer than the time the three of us got stuck on the seventeenth floor for the longest twenty minutes of our lives.

  It’s weird to think about how much has changed and gotten messy, almost as if our friendship was a one-thousand-piece puzzle being put together by a one-year-old who got everything wrong. Sometimes this universe feels like an alternate, but maybe you already knew that.

  I step out of the elevator, and if I was thinking about changing my mind and running home, I’ve lost my chance. Wade walks out of his apartment carrying a garbage bag in each hand. He’s wearing nothing but his bright orange basketball shorts and white ankle socks. My heart drops, like I’m back in the elevator and the cables have snapped. It’s not just because his body is beautiful without the abs he desperately wants or the way his eyes narrow whenever I surprise him, like he’s trying to find me without his glasses. For the first time since you’ve died, I’m admitting to myself how much I really missed this guy and how strange it’s going to be to only be friends.