Harp's Song

by Shine, Cassie

  “Listen, you know you are always welcome here, but I can’t ignore this anymore. I’ve seen enough to know what your mom has done. I shouldn’t have sat back until now, but despite what you’ve dealt with, you’re a good student and I thought disrupting everything in your life would ruin the good things like school and your music … but honey, I can’t ignore it anymore. We need to go to the Police, ok?”

  Panic overcame me, and I looked at her while vehemently shaking my head no.

  My voice was hoarse, “No, we can’t go to the Police.”

  “Harp, you have to go. She’s done this one too many times. And mom’s right, we can’t ignore it anymore.” We both looked over to see Connor standing in the doorway with his arms across his chest.

  Feeling betrayed by my best friend I looked him in the eyes and shook my head while repeating, “No—I won’t go.”

  Connor started to walk toward me, hands by his side in fists with a steely determination resonating from him. He composed himself and relaxed as he kneeled in front of me, putting his hands on both of my arms.

  Looking me in the eyes he said, “Harp, this isn’t the first time she’s said horrible things to you and hit you hard enough to leave a mark, and I don’t think it will be the last. I …” his voice broke, and he looked down before looking back up to me, “I can’t do this anymore. I won’t do it anymore. You don’t deserve this.” He pulled me to him as he stood up and was holding me so tight I couldn’t breathe.

  I understood what he was saying, I really did. Last night I cried out all the sadness inside me, but this morning with Connor, I cried for all the fear I felt. Fueled by hatred—and sometimes alcohol—my mom was a loose cannon. Who the hell knew what grand idea she would have, as a means of punishing me for ruining her life. I was so close to freedom. I would be turning eighteen next spring and graduating, and would be able to leave her behind—move away and focus on my music.

  I would be able to finally start living my life for me, without the fear, but until then I didn’t want to jeopardize my senior year before it had even started. I needed to keep my grades up and focus on making all-district and all-state orchestras as well as getting high marks in my solo performances.

  Going to the Police would mean foster care, and I couldn’t run the risk of another family not being supportive of my music. And really, I couldn’t be separated from Connor. It wasn’t a guarantee that I would be placed in foster care in the same town. I had looked into it once a few years ago—after a particularly bad incident with my mom—that was the first time I’d called Connor for help.

  I put my hands on Connor’s chest and looked into his sad eyes before I pushed him away.

  “No. This is my life. I’ll be a legal adult soon and then I’ll be gone. I won’t have to deal with her or any of this anymore. But until then, I’m staying where I am. I just can’t risk it right now.” I pleaded with him.

  “This is crazy Harp,” Connor yelled at me. I was so taken aback by his emotional outburst that I took a step back. I glanced at Catherine, who looked just as shocked as I did.

  “You are not thinking clearly, she does that to you. I know she tells you that you are worthless and makes you feel like you caused all her problems, but Harp, that’s not your fault and you have to do something about it. Stop pretending like she’s not hurting you and let us help you.”

  “I appreciate what you are both doing, really I do …”

  “Stop it Harp. Stop making excuses for her. She is abusing you emotionally and physically, and it’s not right. Stop making it ok.”

  “I am not making it ok!” I yelled, “I know it’s not ok. Do you think I don’t know that it’s messed up every time she tells me I’m a loser and worthless, and then reminds me that I ruined her life? Do you? Because I know it’s not ok. But,” I paused using the back of my hand to wipe away more tears. “I did some research a while ago and there’s no guarantee I can get put in foster care with a family here, and I need to be here to finish school and keep my place in the orchestra. Once I graduate, I’m done. This is my life—my decision. And, honestly,” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again. Looking straight into Connor’s pained, deep green eyes, I continued, “you are my best friend. I’m not ready to lose you because of her. I won’t let her have that power over us.”

  Even though he didn’t like it, Connor understood what I was telling him. He pulled me to his chest and I started crying. I pulled away from him when I remembered Catherine was still sitting on the bed.

  “I’m sorry Cather-“

  “Honey, it’s ok, come here,” she said with open arms. I went to her and let her hold me and reassure me the way a mother should. “I understand what you are telling us Harp. I don’t like it, but I understand it.”

  “Here’s the deal though, she hurts you again, and I’m speaking with her. And if we have to, we’ll move you in here. In the meantime, we’re going to get you a cell phone today and put you on our plan so you can call any of us anytime if you need anything.”

  I nodded and gave her a hug.

  “But, the next time this happens, we are not ignoring it. You understand me?”

  I agreed thinking that I would do everything in my power to not let it happen again. If that meant I had to lock myself in my room, then that’s what I would do. She gave me another hug and gave Connor a sympathetic smile before she left.

  He sat down in her place and pulled me to his side kissing the top of my head. I knew we had both been holding a lot of tension and I sighed into him. We sat like that without talking for a few minutes, and I reveled in the safety I felt being in his arms.

  Finally, we pulled apart and his lips pulled into a mischievous grin, “Get your ass ready, we are going to get you a phone. I’ll help you get it set up and show you how to use it. Tonight we’ll watch movies and get a pizza. And you can stay here again, ok.”

  I gave him a hug, “Thank you. You’ve put up with a lot over the years and I know it’s been hard on you … I’m sorry.”

  “Harp, you have nothing to be sorry about. It’s your mom that should be apologizing to you for what she’s put you through. It’s not fair and I don’t like it, but I understand what you said earlier. I’m always here for you.”

  “How did you get so wise? You always know exactly what to say and do.” I gave him a small smile.

  “Harp, I have no idea what I’m doing half the time, especially with you,” he said looking deeply into my eyes. I could see the depth of emotion shining through them, but what stuck with me were the feelings of pain, confusion, and reverence I saw there. His eyes darted from mine to roam my face and stop at my lips before meeting my eyes again.

  “I’m serious, Connor. At school and with other people you are a carefree teenager, but when I need your help, like this morning, you,” I sighed, “I dunno, you just seem more mature.”

  We sat there in silence for what felt like a few minutes, but I was sure it was only seconds before he ran his hand through his floppy hair and sighed, “I guess I grew up fast like you.”

  “My mom is great and she does everything for us, but with my dad gone so much, I had to help out a lot with the house and my brother. I guess what you’re saying is probably a result of that, you know, not having the privilege of being a kid.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean. And trust me, it’s not a bad thing. I love both Connors—the goofy teenage narcissist and the mature guy—thank you for being my best friend, and for being so great. You’re the best … ya know?”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know. I mean have you seen this face?”

  I rolled my eyes and left Mr. Conceited to admire himself. I had to wash my face and make myself as presentable as I could.

  We did exactly what Connor had planned for us. We came back to his house after getting a new phone, and were in his basement where he spent an hour showing me all the features on my phone. It was a little overwhelming, but he was patient. I loved that I could read books on it whenever
I wanted, and access all the music I loved. After we had been sitting there for a while—Connor playing his PlayStation, and me messing around with my phone—he paused the game and looked at me.

  “Hey, you want to come to Florida with us next week?”

  After what had happened with my mom the night before, leaving her for a few weeks sounded like a dream come true, but I knew there was no way she was going to allow it or that I could afford it. I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know, I would like to, but I don’t think she’ll let me.”

  Connor sighed and turned to me, “I know you’ve been avoiding going on vacation with us, but I’d really like you to think about it this time. It would mean a lot to me. And well … um … I don’t want to leave you here. So, just make it easy on yourself and say yes because I’ll figure out a way to get you to go. I won’t leave you here while I’m gone.”

  “I know, and thank you for the invitation, but honestly, I can’t afford it. Plus, I need to be able to practice every day, and I’m sure that would get annoying. Not to mention how would we get my cello down there?”

  With a mischievous grin, he said, “I’ve got an idea.”

  “Oh God, that can’t be good,” I responded and rolled my eyes.

  Pretending to be offended, he threw his hand across his chest and sucked in a large breath of air, “I can’t believe you just said that.” Then he left the room with a devious grin.

  Connor came back a little bit later with two cans of Coke, giving me one before rejoining me on the couch. Connor’s little brother, Patrick came running downstairs right behind him and they started a new PlayStation game. The normality of the situation was not lost on me, especially considering the last twenty-four hours. I relished it.

  “Harp, can you come here for a sec,” Catherine hollered from the kitchen. Connor and Patrick were too engrossed in their game to pay any attention, so I ran up the stairs to see what she wanted.

  “Oh good, you’re here,” she said with a smile across her face. She was wearing jeans, flats and a plum button down blouse that accented her green eyes. She and Connor really did look a lot alike. “I just got off the phone with your mom and she agreed to let you come to Florida with us. Isn’t that great news?”

  I had to pick my jaw off the floor after processing what she had just told me. “How?” squeaked out.

  “Well, I told her that our family babysitter backed out and I was desperate to get someone I could trust to help with Patrick. And that you both would be doing me a huge favor by agreeing to let you come with us,” she said with a twinkle in her eye.

  Connor! Crap. I figured it out now—great idea my ass—and started to turn back to yell at him, but Catherine stopped me.

  “Harp, this is a good thing. He meant well and it’s not entirely false. Although I think with you there, Connor will probably stick around more, so Patrick won’t be alone as much. But if he does leave to work out while we aren’t there, then I will need you to keep an eye out for Patrick. And, that means we can guarantee your safety.”

  “But, I …”

  “I know, this is overwhelming, but let us do this for you. We have plenty of room for your cello, so don’t worry about anything,” she said before turning me around and gently pushing me toward the stairs to the basement.

  When I sat next to Connor on the couch, I gave him the evil eye but he just laughed and winked at me.

  Ugh. He could be so frustrating.

  Ultimately, he was right—we’d had a great time those three weeks. He ran and worked out in the mornings while I practiced, and we would spend the afternoons at the beach with Patrick until it was time to meet his parents for dinner. It was the most relaxed I’d ever been, and the best time I’d ever had.

  It was hard going home after that. I did everything I could to stay out of my mom’s way. I spent a lot of time after school each day in one of the music department practice rooms, or going to Connor’s to study and have dinner there. I would quietly sneak back in my house hoping that she was already asleep or not home yet. I enjoyed the longest dry spell I’d ever had from her fights with me.

  “Harp ….”

  Connor’s worried voice pulls me from my memory. Even with my eyes shut, I would be able to recognize his voice, but my eyes aren’t shut this time, they are open, staring into flames.

  “How long has she been like this?” he asks.

  “A minute or so I think,” I hear Ethan respond.

  “Yeah, not very long, but it’s freaking me out,” adds Emma. “She won’t move or blink or acknowledge us—she’s totally zoned out.”

  I feel Connor’s hands on my legs and his soothing voice once again, “Hey Harp, it’s ok. Everything’s ok. He’s gone now—you’re safe.”

  I blink snapping myself out of wherever I have been. I blink a few more times trying to relieve my stinging, dry eyes and look between Connor, Ethan and Emma.

  “Oh thank God! I thought you were having a panic attack or something and we were going to have to take you to the hospital,” Emma exclaims throwing her arms around me.

  I keep blinking while she hugs me. I look at Ethan over Emma’s shoulder and see his main emotion is also relief.

  “You ok?” he asks. I nod slightly and then look at Connor who is the only one not looking relieved. Instead, he looks concerned. Lifting me to my feet, he pulls me to his side while telling Ethan and Emma he’s taking me home. I smile weakly at them again and let Connor walk me around the outside of the small house to his truck, thankful he knew that I wouldn’t want to go through the house and see anyone else.

  We are quiet on the drive home. I can’t figure out why I was so freaked out by what happened tonight. I was lost in my thoughts again, trying to decide if I freaked out because of the spark of superiority in Vincent’s eyes or the flashbacks of Connor pummeling him. I didn’t realize we were parked at Connor’s house until he came around and opened my door.

  “What are we doing here?”

  “I don’t think you should be alone tonight, Harp.”

  “I want to go home. I want to sleep in my bed. Please, Connor, take me home.”

  “Harp, don’t argue with me. I know what happened tonight upset you and I can’t let you be alone right now.”

  “Please, Con-“

  “No. You’re staying with me. I can’t risk anything else happening to you tonight.” He says forcefully with pain etched across his face.

  I think about everything that happened earlier and realize I can’t argue with him. He’s right, deep down, I don’t want to go back to my house with my mom and I don’t want to be alone.

  I look at the ground and give in, “Ok.”

  When we get to his room, he gives me a pair of his workout shorts and a T-shirt to sleep in. Both drown me and I roll the top of his shorts a couple of times to make sure they won’t fall down. Connor lets me change in the bathroom in his room while he goes to the one down the hall, so when I open the door, I am relieved that he hasn’t come back yet. I quickly climb into his bed—in the spot I usually sleep in—and roll over so my back is facing the door. Even though I am exhausted, I’m not sure I will actually fall asleep.

  After a few minutes, the light turns off and I feel Connor’s weight shift the bed.

  “Are you awake?” he asks.

  I ignore him by pretending to be asleep hoping he will leave me alone. I need time to process what happened tonight. After a few minutes of silence, the bed shifts again and Connor’s arm wraps around my waist as he pulls me into his chest. Gripping me tight, he gives me a kiss on the top of my head. I continue to pretend I am asleep because I definitely don’t want to talk about anything right now, but also because this is really awkward and I think if I ignore it, everything will go back to normal tomorrow when we get up, but nope, not my night.

  After kissing the top of my head, Connor whispers, “I love you.”

  My eyes fly open and my heart starts hammering in my chest. Did he seriously just say that he loves me? He’s neve
r said that to me before. I lay there, in his arms for what feels like hours trying to figure out what the hell that was about. I force myself to close my eyes and will myself to get some sleep, but I can’t stop my mind from running in circles. It flashes between images of an arrogant Vincent, to watching blood splatter when Connor punched him.

  Still enveloped in Connor’s arms, I gently roll away from him so I can turn to see his face. He is so peaceful, breathing steadily with his eyes closed and dark, thick lashes touching his tanned cheeks. My eyes roam over his torso where his T-shirt is pulled tight, revealing his muscular chest framed by large, broad shoulders. They continue their path, following his defined arms all the way down to his hand, where I trace each of his strong yet beautiful fingers.

  Looking back at his face I lay there until dawn, watching my best friend breathe, except that after hours of watching him I feel a shift in me. I can’t explain it really, and my mind is totally frazzled. Instead of trying to figure it out, I succumb to the rhythmic simplicity of his breaths, and let them lull me to sleep.

  I have no idea what time it is when I wake up, but light is streaming through the window. When I roll over, I realize Connor isn’t in bed anymore. Glancing at the alarm clock next to his bed, I see that it’s just after eleven. I rarely sleep late, mainly because I know if I get up early enough, I can get out of the house before my mom wakes up.

  I sit up and reach for my phone to see that I have a text from Emma checking in to see if I’m ok after what happened last night.

  I’m startled when Connor comes into the room, sweaty and breathing heavily, obviously just getting back from a run. I eye his naked chest and trace the lines of his stomach before looking back to his face.

  “Oh good, you’re up. I didn’t want to wake you earlier. You looked so peaceful when I left.”