Harp's Song

by Shine, Cassie

  “No, mom please, I want him here,” I beg.

  Connor chuckles, “I got it, Anne. Could you give us a few minutes though?” he asks.

  “Ok, but make it quick,” she says giving us both her best strict mom face, which isn’t that effective. We nod our heads and as soon as she leaves the room we both start talking. Laughing, I tell Connor to go first.

  “I don’t want to leave you, but if they send you home today I’ll come over later, ok?”

  “Ok!” I agree. I feel so relieved to have him back but we still haven’t talked about what we are … if we’re just friends or we’re more than that again?

  “What’s wrong?” he asks obviously sensing my mood swing.

  “Well, I just don’t know where we stand, I guess.”

  “Harp, I love you—nothing will ever change that, but you’ve been through a lot of stuff. I think we should concentrate on getting you better first.”

  I shake my head reluctantly. I know he’s right but I can’t help but feel sad that we’re not together. I miss his arms around me, and the feel of his lips on my lips.

  “One more thing before I go,” he says. “I know you don’t want to, but you need to talk to your mom. I know what she told you hurt you, and while I can understand why you were so hurt, I can’t help you like she can.”

  I look down because I don’t want to think about all this right now. It’s overwhelming, but not thinking about it and dealing with it is what got me here in the first place.

  Connor puts his finger under my chin and pulls my face up to look at him.

  “You aren’t the only one hurting here. What happened to her was horrible. I’m not saying it excuses the way she treated you all those years, but everyone deserves a second chance before it’s too late. If you don’t talk to her now, you are going to regret it. You won’t be able to get this time with her back.”

  I nod my head because he’s right. I need to talk to her and I need to forgive her. I’m not sure the forgiveness will come right away, but I have faith that once we start talking we’ll get there.

  “She’s sick.” Tears are threatening to spill down my face again.

  “I know,” he says reassuringly. “I know it’s not fair that this is happening, but she needs you now more than ever.”

  “You’re right,” I tell him. “I’ll talk to her. I already regret the time I spent wallowing in my self-pity and turning everyone that loves me away from me. I don’t want any more regrets.” I tell him.

  “That’s my girl,” he says kissing my forehead again. “You are the bravest, strongest, most resilient, beautiful, loving, wonderful, amazing person I know and I love you.”

  “I love you too Connor. I couldn’t do anything without you. You are and always will be my best friend, savior, confidant, and so much more that I haven’t discovered yet. But I’m really looking forward to finding out,” I smile affectionately at him.

  “We promised your mom, so I should probably get going. I put your phone on the tray. I’ll check in with you later.”

  “Ok,” I’ll talk to you later, “Love you!”

  “Love you too,” He says. I faintly hear him and my mom talking before I’m lulled back to sleep.

  “Do I really have to ride in that thing?” I ask Nurse Helen.

  “Sorry honey, it’s hospital policy,” she says helping me into the wheelchair.

  Even though Dr. Stewart and Nurse Helen were really great, I’m so happy to be going home. My mom took the last load of flowers and balloons (mostly from Emma) down to the car, and I’m being wheeled to the front entrance. Before I get in, I give Nurse Helen a hug and thank her for her help. She smiles at me warmly and waves goodbye to us as we drive off.

  “You want to get set up in the living room for now so we can watch some movies?” my mom asks on our way home.

  “Yeah, that sounds good,” I say, “What did you get?”

  “We have a ton of Colin Firth movies to get through.” She says smiling at me. “After all, we never did celebrate your birthday. And, what could be better than spending it with a gorgeous man and your favorite junk food?”

  I smile back at her, “Sounds perfect!”

  Once we’re home, Mom puts in the first movie, but before the credits begin, I turn to her, “Hey, Mom?”

  “You ok? Need something?”

  “No, thanks, I’m fine,” I say looking down at my hands before taking a deep breath and facing her again, “I um … I want to tell you how sorry I am for the way I behaved toward you in the past couple of months. Sorry I made you worry and put you through all this.”

  “Harp,” she says taking my hands in hers and facing me. “It’s ok. I understand … more than you’ll know. Besides, I think I owe you a lifetime of apologies for the way I abandoned you all those years. You were just a little girl who needed her mother and I …” she says shaking her head, “I deserted you. You didn’t deserve that or the childhood you got.”

  “I don’t know where you get your strength from, ”she says looking at me in awe, “But you are so strong to have suffered through all that, yet still become such an amazing young woman.”

  Now we’re both swiping tears off our faces.

  “Mom, I was so lost after you told me about what happened to you that I had to leave. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere anymore. I couldn’t process it all, so that’s why I went to Connor’s. Then, after I saw Alex and he figured out who I was, I lost it.”

  “What happened that night, Harp?”

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath remembering the night that I met Alex. When I open my eyes I look at my mom and I can tell her body is stiff, preparing to hear about how I met the man who raped her and gave me life.

  I tell her about running into him at the party, and how he figured out who I was once I told him who my mother was. I see her shocked reaction, but when I get to the part where he questioned my name, I tell her how angry I was. How I thought, ‘This asshole is my father yet he doesn’t even know my name’.

  My mom stays stony-faced, still absorbing my words. Then I tell her about how he called us whores and she sucks in a deep breath while her porcelain face turns rigid with anger. I stop but she urges me to continue.

  When I’ve purged all the details from that night, we sit in silence for a few minutes. I can see she’s digesting everything and after a few minutes she leans over to give me a hug.

  “Harp, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. You should have never had to deal with that man by yourself. I just wish you could have talked to me about it instead of disappearing on me,” she says and pulls herself away from me.

  “I know, mom, I wish I had come to talk to you too, but everything was so confusing,” I tell her. “It felt like you had changed so quickly … too quickly … into the mom I desperately wanted all these years. I think a part of me didn’t believe it was real.”

  “Despite all the stuff we’ve been through, when I saw him I immediately hated him for what he had done to you. I guess on some level I was protecting you and felt an obligation to you. You haven’t been the best mother, we both know that, but in that moment my instinct was to defend you especially to him,” I pause, “After all that had happened with Alex I tried not to let his words seep into my skin, but after years of building walls to protect myself from feeling any emotion, it didn’t work this time.”

  “When you’ve been told for as long as you can remember that you’re worthless, you believe it on some level. I was so overwhelmed with all these conflicting emotions that I couldn’t think rationally. So I did what sounded like the best idea at the time,” I explain. “I built another wall around me and tried to numb myself to everything going on. That’s why I called you to pick me up that night from Connor’s. I knew I was a mess and thought he could do better than to be with someone like me, and that I needed to let him go.”

  “Connor loves you, Harp, you had to have known that he would have been there for you and helped you.” She says pull
ing my chin up forcing me to look at her.

  “Mom, Connor has been saving me since we became friends. He’s the one I would call for help after a fight with you. He always saved me, but this time I felt like he couldn’t. I felt weak and tired. I was tired from fighting all the negative stuff in my life and putting the pieces back together, so I guess I just gave up,” I tell her. I can see how my words have affected her because she’s pale again and tears are welling in her eyes.

  After a few minutes she clears her throat, “I understand what you are saying, Harp. I wish I didn’t, but I do.”

  “If I tell you every day how sorry I am, it won’t be enough and it won’t erase the damage that I’ve already done. I know there is no justification for the way I treated you …,” she says as her voice cracks.

  “When you stood up to me that day I was shocked,” she continues after finding her voice. “You had never done anything like that or said things like that to me before, and it hit me—that I needed to change.”

  “My therapist has helped me see that by lashing out at you I was also punishing myself, because the further I pushed you away the more I thought I deserved that isolation, especially since my family had isolated me.”

  I ignore the pain from my ribs and reach over and give her a hug, “I love you mom.” We stay in our embrace until I can’t take the pain anymore. After we wipe tears from our faces, I smile at her when she says, “I love you too Harp.”

  “One more thing,” I say looking at her, “When did you find out you were sick?”

  She exhales, “When I started seeing my therapist, she suggested I also get a physical … you know? Mind, body, spirit kind of a thing. The doctor referred me to get a mammogram and that’s when they found the tumor. I had a biopsy and it turned out the tumor is cancerous.”

  “Wait, how did you get a biopsy? Didn’t they put you under anesthesia? How did you drive?”

  She smiles at me, “Catherine took me.”

  When I’m still clearly confused she continues, “After I confessed everything to you, I felt the need to reach out to her. I know you’ve spent a lot of time with their family, and I needed to talk to her about what happened to me and let her know that I had changed. It wasn’t a very pleasant conversation at first. She was really upset with me, rightly so, and it took a lot on her part to trust me. But, we’ve been meeting for coffee a couple times a week since, and have established a friendship.”

  Those words break me and I start crying. I’m sad and angry. I should have been there for her. She should have been able to rely on me.

  “Hey, it’s ok, Harp. Don’t cry. You were going through a lot and she’s become a good friend. She was happy to help and she doesn’t think any less of you, you know. Neither do I.” She says holding me to her side while rubbing her hand up and down my arm reassuringly.

  “I’m sorry Mom. I should have been there for you, but I’m here now.” I say pulling away to wipe off my tears.

  She pulls me back into her, “I know sweetie, I know. We’ve got each other now. We’ll be fine.”

  “You will be fine,” I tell her seriously. “I know you will. You are stronger than you think too, ya know? You will beat this and I will help you. So, what is the next step for your treatment?”

  “I’ve weighed my options and I’m going to have a lumpectomy, and after that chemotherapy. Once I’m done with chemo, they’ll do some tests to see if the cancer is gone. After that I’ll either be ok or have to undergo more treatment.”

  I sit there for a few minutes taking in all the information and eventually look up at my mom and smile, “Ok.”

  “Ok,” she says.

  I know it’s not going to be easy. I’m still going to have to learn to trust her before letting her in, but I know without a doubt that we’ll get there. We both need each other right now, so much there’s no other option and I wouldn’t want one. I want this relationship with her more than anything.

  “It’s been a heck of a roller coaster, huh?” she asks nudging my shoulder.

  “Yeah, you can say that again,” I chuckle.

  After a while she turns to me, “Did you really call Alex an asshat?”

  My face turns bright red, “Um, yeah … I did.”

  She busts out laughing and I join her, blocking out the pain from my ribs and laughing harder than I’ve laughed in months. We don’t stop until we realize Connor is standing at the door watching us with a huge grin across his face.

  “What are you doing over there? You’re creeping me out.” I finally say regaining my composure.

  “Just watching you two,” he says as he walks over and kisses the top of my head. “What’s so funny?”

  My mom and I look at each other and both start laughing again. I don’t make it too long this time because my ribs are making it impossible to keep laughing.

  She looks at Connor, “Nothing.”

  “Ok, I can see this is either a girl thing or a mother-daughter thing so I won’t pry.” He says pretending to be offended but still smiling.

  My mom gets up so she and Connor can reposition me.

  “Ok,” she announces while pressing play on the remote, “Who’s ready for Colin Firth?”

  Connor groans and we giggle. I hold both their hands and lay my head on Connor’s shoulder.

  Tomorrow I will wear a cap and gown and officially be a high school graduate. It’s the day I promised myself that I wouldn’t let my mother dominate my life anymore. And the day I’ve envisaged for years as not just the end of this way of life, but also the beginning of a new life—my life. But, as I lay on the couch between the two most important people in my world, I feel content … and hopeful. It’s a powerful feeling.

  As the movie plays, my eyelids become heavier and heavier, and soon I let them fall against my eyes.

  I can tell I’m in that space between being awake and sleep. It’s almost a semi-conscious place and feels like I’m in another world. I can faintly feel Connor’s hand in mine, but when I look around me, I see that I’m outside. I’m in a meadow, surrounded by lush trees and wildflowers in vibrant colors that almost reach my knees and tickle my legs.

  When I tilt my head up, I admire the setting sun tinting the sky with gold, orange and pink hues making it look like a painting. I shut my eyes, holding my arms out at my sides and bask in the sun that is warming me from the inside out, with a subtle breeze rushing over me.

  Even in the silence there’s a rhythm—a song. I can hear it in the way the wind rustles the brush on the ground, blows through the mounds of flowers and hisses through the trees. It’s an orchestra, each piece of nature playing its instrument in sync and in tune, and all I have to do is accept it and enjoy it.

  In this moment of pure calm and bliss, I’m reminded of something Ms. Anderson had on her wall. It was a wood-carved sign with a saying from Henry David Thoreau painted on it:

  To those wonderful, beautiful people who have had their spark extinguished from abuse or assault …

  You are not alone.

  It’s ok to ask for help.

  There are people in this world to help you, please take the first (and hardest) step to get it.

  RAINN: RAPE, ABUSE & INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK

  www.rainn.org

  1.800.656.HOPE

  CHILDHELP

  www.childhelp.org

  1.800.4.A.CHILD

  AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY

  www.cancer.org

  1.800.227.2345

  There are many people I want to thank for helping me to actually hit the publish button. And, since this is my first book, hold tight, my support network is large and I have such gratitude for each one of them.

  First, I’d like to thank you. Yes, you. Thank you for purchasing this book and for your support. It means the world to me.

  To my editor, Luisa Hansen, without you, I’m not sure I would have made it this far. Thank you, not only for your expert editing, but also for going above and beyond to help me and answer ALL of my questio
ns … and there were a lot of them!

  To Sandra Saenz Cortez and Dyann Tufts: Thank you for your honesty and thoroughness. Your attention to detail and feedback gave me a huge boost of confidence.

  Thank you Tux (Dad) for your bear hugs and unconditional support. For not looking at me like I was crazy when I told you I was going to write a book. I love you muchly.

  To my hubby, Jeff, I love you. Thank you for your love and support. You’re my everything.

  Abby Wagner and Katie Eichholz, I know in the world of best friends, it’s commonplace to call each other and laugh or cry, rant about the Starbucks we dropped, the brownies we couldn’t resist, and the five pounds we just can’t seem to say goodbye too (I wonder why?). Beyond those things, thank you for showing me the meaning of true friendship through your actions.

  Katy Rose, There’s so much I could say, but ultimately … I love you dearly, seester. Thank you for your love and support.

  Emily Fear, I adore you. When we’re two old biddies living in the middle of nowhere, wearing wellies and big hats, and grumbling about our neighbors, I’ll still adore you!

  Victoria Davis, thank you for celebrating your birthday with me for the last five years, even if the number is getting higher … eek!

  To Stephanie Utterson, Kara Sudbrock, Shirley K., and Meagan Taylor. I heart you all. Thank you for showering me with your support and feedback.

  Jorge Negreros, I respect the heck out of you for your honesty, quiet confidence, and of course your ridiculous talent. Thank you for bringing Harp to real life with your magical cover. I will gladly bake you brownies and cookies anytime.

  To all the people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, some of them good friends at one point in time, others acquaintances, and others foe. You’ve been in my path for a reason. Whether for a minute, a day, a week, a month, a year or more—you all had something to teach me. Sometimes, through your actions, you were there to show me who I did not want to be. Other times, you were there to make me laugh, or help me learn how to live during rough times. Thanks to all of you for teaching me a lot of stuff. I’m a better person for knowing you, and I carry your lessons with me every day.