Chasing Forever

by Kelly Jensen

  “Josh?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Please don’t run away again. If things get . . . bad, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed, come talk to me. If you feel like you can’t talk to me, talk to Mal. Or text one of your friends. Please. I want you to promise me that.”

  Josh’s face wavered. His mouth and chin. His eyes. He sniffed and a single sob escaped. He rocked forward, and Brian performed the same service Mal had for him last night. He didn’t say it was going to be all right. Nor did he try to quiet the tears. He held his nephew and let him cry it out. Fourteen was a rough age. Probably wouldn’t be the last time he held this boy while he cried. This young man. And that was okay because even though he had little idea what being a parent entailed, Brian figured this was a good start.

  A short while later, he stood outside another door, this time with less uncertainty. Mal would be inside. Mal wasn’t the sort to run away. He was more . . .

  He was Mal.

  Brian cracked the door open. Mal was on the bed, curled on his side, glasses askew, phone in hand. He’d showered and might have combed his hair, but the pillow had pushed it around. He’d dressed in a pair of Brian’s sleep pants and a T-shirt, and he had the throw from the end of the bed wrapped around his shoulders.

  He was snoring.

  The sight of his lover snoring on his bed warmed the middle of Brian’s chest. He liked that Mal was comfortable enough in his home to let go.

  He even liked the soft snore.

  Toeing out of his slippers, Brian crawled onto the other side of the bed and arranged himself along Mal’s back, putting an arm over his shoulder and snuggling in close. Mal smelled of oranges. Brian kissed the back of his neck.

  Mumbling, Mal shifted and lifted his head. “Sorry. I was going to make breakfast.”

  “I figured.” Brian kissed his neck again.

  “Here, I’ll—”

  Brian nibbled the spot he’d kissed, and Mal melted against him before embarking on a shuffling turn that brought him directly into Brian’s arms.

  “Hi.” Mal smiled.

  “Hi.” After kissing Mal’s smile, Brian reached up to pull his glasses off.

  Mal took them and leaned back to put them on the nightstand. When he rolled back toward Brian, he had a question in his eyes.

  “What?” Brian asked.

  “What are we going to do about the bar and the youth center?”

  “You want to talk about that now?”

  Color appeared in two spots over Mal’s cheeks. “Sorry. I was thinking about it before I nodded off. I was going over the proposal on my phone and—”

  Brian kissed him hard enough for their lips to make a smacking sound as they parted.

  Mal’s expression was sweet and a little unfocused, but as soon as his gaze sharpened, Brian knew there’d be no stopping him.

  “If I hear you out, can we have sex?” he asked.

  “Most definitely.” Mal’s smile dimmed. “So . . . it sucks that we can’t save the Wheelhouse Building.”

  “It more than sucks. That’s two businesses we’re talking about, and Leo and Kelsey were a part of last night. They were there for us. I’m going to figure out how to turn this around, okay? I’ll go back to the hotel people or start a petition. We’ll chain ourselves to the bulldozers when they turn up.”

  “I thought you’d feel like that.”

  “So it’s settled? We’ll fight the good fight?”

  “And if we lose, we get over it and move on. Find another building. Help Leo and Kelsey and Olive in other ways.”

  “Are you saying this for me, or yourself?”

  Mal grinned briefly before offering a more sober expression. “For us both, I think. We had so much tied up in that meeting— God, was it only yesterday? And the talk we had afterward. I didn’t like it. I’m sorry about my attitude and I’m going to work on my awkwardness.”

  “And my face will heal and I’ll be handsome again.”

  Letting go a sharp laugh, Mal rolled on top of him. “You’re so damned arrogant. It’s pretty much my favorite thing about you.”

  Brian lifted his chin, inviting a kiss. Mal’s lips met his in a sweet caress.

  “I love your awkwardness,” Brian said. “I know I gave you the impression you should let it go, but your vulnerability calls to me, Mal. Maybe that’s a horrible thing to say, but I want to be the man you lean on. The one who makes you feel sure and steady. I want . . .” And there was that pain, worse this time. Not just an ache in his chest, but a digging pang, right over his heart. “I want you to need me the same way I need you.”

  Mal smiled.

  “But that’s not all. It’s your strength I admire most. We come from very different places, but I feel like we’ve both had to struggle. Not just because we’re gay, but because life is hard. But we’re both still here.”

  Mal seemed about to say something, then clearly chose not to. He kissed Brian instead, all but fusing his mouth to Brian’s, showing that underlying strength and secret passion and the goodness that shone through every smile, awkward or not. He tasted like sun-splashed mornings and fuzzy flannel. Toothpaste and pajamas. And he felt so damn right in Brian’s arms. Big and strong despite his gentleness. Brian rolled him onto his back and kissed his face. Pressing each eye closed, nipping at the stubble along his jaw and brushing his lips there, delighting in the prickling tingle.

  Brian traced his fingers down Mal’s side, caressing him through the thin cotton of the T-shirt before slipping beneath it to wrap his hand around Mal’s side and pull him closer. Mal reciprocated, his hand diving beneath Brian’s sweatshirt before skimming upward to press over his heart. The kiss was sweetness, their caresses, light. Desire simmering until the stroke of fingers spread warmth and arousal, Brian brushing a thumb over Mal’s hip. Mal reaching for Brian’s cock.

  “Want you,” Mal said, nipping Brian’s earlobe.

  “I need no convincing whatsoever. How’re your legs?”

  Mal ceased kissing his way down Brian’s neck. “I love that you always ask, but let’s agree that unless I tell you otherwise, my legs are good.”

  “Last night—”

  “Was stupid on so many levels. The scrapes on my hips and arms hurt worse than my knee, though.”

  “How about if I kiss them better for you?”

  “That’d work.”

  Brian settled for kissing whatever of Mal he could skim his lips over while they dealt with their clothes, T-shirts, sweats, sleep pants, and shorts flying over the side of the bed until they could revel in each other’s nakedness. Brian kissed Mal’s nipples. Bit them both. Traced his tongue down the trail of hair leading to his navel. Found the abrasions over his hip bones and kissed them gently. Turned Mal’s arms until he found the scrapes there. Kissed those too.

  Mal put a hand to either side of his face after that and guided him up for another mouth-to-mouth kiss, long and languid. So damn sweet. Then he moved to whisper in Brian’s ear, “Want you inside me.”

  Fear snaked along Brian’s spine. He’d told Mal he didn’t mind topping and he didn’t . . . very occasionally. He didn’t exactly know where his fear came from, but it probably had to do with control, which might sound weird to anyone else. People always assumed the top was the one in control, but for Brian it had always worked the other way.

  But this was Mal and Brian didn’t have to think too hard before deciding he wanted it. That what they had was a true partnership, and that being inside of Mal would be a gift. Special and something he really, really wanted to give.

  “Okay.”

  Mal gripped his shoulders. “Are you sure?”

  Brian brushed a kiss over Mal’s lips. “For you? Anything.”

  “That’s a dangerous thing to say.”

  “I trust you.”

  He let Mal arrange himself without asking about his legs. Mal chose to lie on his back—a pillow under his hips so he wouldn’t have to shift too much, and when Brian was pressing into him, watching Mal
’s eyes for his cue to pause, advance, pause again, he knew he’d forever remember this moment. He planned to make love to Mal a hundred different ways before the end of the year, to maybe spend the rest of his life with this man. But this first opening, even more than prep, doing the thing with condoms and lube . . . This moment meant something.

  Mal trusted him with this. With the most intimate of connections. Mal was okay with being beneath him. Mal was . . .

  Mal was here.

  Then Brian was all the way in and Mal’s mouth was open, his head dropped back. He had his hands wrapped around his upraised knees, and his chest rose and fell in short pants. “Oh God, oh God,” he said, his voice strained and beautiful.

  Brian leaned forward to kiss his chest. “I know. You feel so . . .” There were no words, except maybe, “You were made for me.”

  “The way you feel inside me, I could totally believe that.”

  Mal lifted his head and Brian met him in a kiss. Then it was time to move. His balls were already high and tight, and pressure was building at the base of his spine. The feel of Mal around his cock was perfect, and them being here, together, was nearly enough. He could almost come just thinking about it. But moving would make it all so much better.

  Mal cried out as Brian drew back. Huffed noisily as Brian drove forward again. Shifted his hands from his knees to Brian’s waist. “More. Don’t stop.”

  Brian obeyed, pushing deeper, a little harder. When Mal made only sounds of pleasure, he did it again. Harder. The buzz at the back of his hips spread and intensified. Became a language of sensation, pitching higher every time he thrust.

  Trusting Mal wouldn’t break, that Mal was here with him, Brian let go. He gave in to the need to bury himself inside his lover, to rut, to grind his hips forward and thrust and thrust and thrust. He could hear himself grunting and panting. Mal sighed with pleasure between entreaties for more. His cock bounced between them, whacking Brian in the stomach until Mal wrapped a hand around his length and started stroking.

  “God, you’re sexy. Could come watching you.”

  “I’m close,” Mal warned.

  “Good, because I’m . . . Ah, fuck.” The first surge hit him, the leap before the fall. Brian jerked, rocked back, and then came, tumbling, maybe dying a little, and not caring if he never got to the bottom because this had to be the best part. He felt Mal come between them, the hot rush hitting his stomach. Heard his shout. Wondered, briefly, if Josh was wearing his earbuds. Gave up all thought as his orgasm swept through him, becoming his world.

  When Brian opened his eyes, Mal was still beneath him, face slack with pleasure, smiling—no, giggling. Huffing and panting and making small laugh sounds.

  “Why are you laughing?” Brian asked, bending down to kiss him.

  “Because I feel fantastic.”

  Brian laughed. “Good enough for me.”

  Securing the condom, he bent into another kiss, swallowing Mal’s hiss as he withdrew. He hopped off the bed, trashed the rubber, grabbed a towel from the bathroom, and went back to tend to his lover.

  Mal caught him in another kiss, and Brian fell in beside him, exchanging kiss for kiss until he didn’t know where he ended and Mal began.

  Eons later, Mal flopped back and breathed out. “Every Sunday should be like this. I’m going to make it a rule or something.”

  “It’s not Sunday.” It was Friday. One day after what could be called the second-worst day of his life.

  “Even better.” Mal rolled to face him. “Means we get two this week.”

  “Perfect.”

  “So . . .” Mal’s brow crinkled.

  “Hmm?”

  “We didn’t talk about me sort of accidentally dropping the L word at the hospital last night.”

  “You did?” A fuse lit inside Brian’s chest. “When?”

  Mal laughed. “Oh my God. I’ve been stewing over this and you don’t remember. It was, like, an offhand thing, but I was so embarrassed. Admitting that is embarrassing enough because it’s not like we’re sixteen and confessing to something we think is going to be it, forever and ever.”

  Brian moved his hand up Mal’s side. They’d slipped back under the bed covers and were cozied up together as though it was a Sunday morning, and it was beyond nice. Mal was by far the cuddliest partner he’d had. Brian liked it. Loved it.

  “I don’t need a promise. What we have is perfect. Love is . . . It’s so complicated.”

  Mal touched his face, pressing his palm to Brian’s cheek. “But I do love you. It’s small right now. Precious. Like a spark, you know? But it’s there. It’s the joy that spreads through me when I see you and when I hear your voice. When you make your scowly face or say things like, ‘I’ll be handsome again next week.’ Feeling you inside me. Being here with you. It’s a simple love and . . . damn it. It’s what I’ve been waiting for. I didn’t know it could be like this, but now that I do . . . God, sorry, I’m totally doing forever and ever, aren’t I?”

  His cheeks blazed and his eyebrows drew down, and Brian immediately felt the call. Something shifted in his chest, a rightness or a feeling of elation. A light being shone into a corner previously unrevealed. Forgotten.

  Mal’s words were beautiful, but it was the simplicity that made them so. And even as Brian prepared to give in, to see what was there, he realized he’d ducked into that corner a while ago and that the light was actually shining on him.

  Mal said it so easily. Made it make sense.

  Could he . . .

  Mal brushed a thumb across his lips. “You don’t have to say it back.”

  “I do love you, though. It terrifies me. We’re so new and there’s so much of us that came before.” He stroked Mal’s side. “But you deserve to know you’re loved, Malcolm Montgomery. That there’s someone here for you and only you.”

  Mal grinned. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Can we be done with the talking part of the day?”

  “As long as that means I get to stay here, cuddled up with you.”

  “Your house is cozier. Even with that cat.”

  “Then we’ll move this afternoon. Josh can meet Lois.”

  Brian laughed. “What else are we going to do with our extra Sunday?”

  “If you haven’t bought Josh noise-canceling headphones yet, we should One-Click a set. Then maybe eat something. Watch a movie. Then more sex?”

  Laughing, Brian rolled away to lie on his back. “Sounds perfect, and in two days we can do it all over again.”

  A hand slid into his, fingers curling tight. “We could call tomorrow Sunday as well. I mean, what use is a Saturday?”

  “Sounds like a plan.” Brian tipped his head toward Mal. “Then on Monday, we’ll start figuring stuff out.”

  Mal nodded.

  Brian leaned in, took in the sight of Mal’s precious face, and felt the surge of emotion he now equated with his need to do anything for this man. “I really do love you.”

  Mal smiled. “Love you too.”

  Eight Months Later - October

  Malcolm loved Morristown. His experience might be limited, but why should he seek to broaden his horizons when everything he needed was right here? His family, his job, his community, and a lover who had started wheezing into his pillow.

  Mal shoved at the cat pinning Brian to the mattress. “Get off, you great lump.”

  With a querulous yowl, Lois allowed herself to be pushed sideways. Hopefully she hadn’t—

  “What the—” Brian jerked up and flailed, one arm flying backward, the other out over his side of the bed. “Jesus Christ, Mal.”

  “Hey, I wasn’t the one perched on your back. I saved you.”

  “From your cat. One of these days she’s going to suffocate me. Until then, she’s just going to prick holes in me until I . . .” Brian had pushed up into a sitting position and was twisting his head this way and that, trying to inspect his back. “Did she draw blood?”

  Mal leaned over to kiss the fading mark next
to Brian’s spine. “Not this time.” He looked up. “I’m sorry. We’ll start closing our door at night.”

  “You guys should be doing that already. Headphones to block out the sound of you two doing whatever haven’t been invented yet,” Josh said, leaning through the open bedroom door. He had a toothbrush in one hand and a towel in the other. “Can we get breakfast out, or are you guys going to—”

  “Not discussing our sex life with you, Josh,” Brian said, twitching the covers a little higher around his waist. “But unless you want to be scarred for life, you need to go finish brushing your teeth in the bathroom. I’m naked and I need to take a leak.”

  Josh held up his hands. “Going, going!”

  Brian turned around to find Mal looking very amused. “What are you grinning at?”

  Mal flopped back into the nest of pillows behind him. “You and Josh and this.” He indicated his house, which, with Brian and Josh permanently installed, felt more like home than ever. “I love this house. I love having you here. I love having Josh here.”

  “You obviously slept well.”

  “Actually, I didn’t. I kept running my speech over and over in my head.”

  “Hold that thought.”

  Brian jumped out of bed and padded across the room to the bathroom, his ass disappearing from view all too quickly.

  Mal got up and followed him. “We should start getting ready, anyway. Did you check that Vanessa remembered your tux?”

  Brian flushed and washed his hands. “Yeah. I texted her last night. Told her my speech was going to be two words: stay married.”

  “So mean.”

  “This is her third wedding.”

  “Third time is the charm, right?”

  “Humph.”

  Mal kissed Brian’s frowny face. “Can’t wait to see you all dressed up.”

  “Your suit is pretty slick as well. No elbow patches—I won’t recognize you.”

  Laughing, Mal took his turn at the toilet while Brian started the shower.

  Later—door-closed, voices-echoing-off-the-shower-walls sort of later—Mal donned his new suit and inspected himself in the mirror. Brian had helped him pick it out, and he had to admit, he looked sharp. Nothing could hide the fact he was more gray than his former dark blond. Even his eyebrows had begun to betray him. And he’d have to use his cane today, but no leg braces. He’d suffered another fracture at the end of March and had to wear braces on both legs for two months—when he was upright. But he’d made it to the end of the school year and had spent the bulk of summer on his backside watching Josh and Brian take care of the yard.