by Paige Toon
‘Not if I see you first,’ I joke, but don’t quite pull off my attempt at humour. Libby smiles at me awkwardly as Amanda steers her downstairs.
Disheartened, I traipse after her, turning to the new girl as we walk. ‘Where have you moved from?’
‘Portsmouth,’ Louise replies, looking awkward.
She’s about my height and has bleached blonde hair with dark roots cut into a choppy, short style. There’s a tiny hole in the side of her nose that I’m guessing is from a piercing she’s removed for school. I like her look.
‘My dad got a job here,’ she elaborates with a shrug. ‘He’s a doctor.’
‘Cool.’ She’s just answered my next question. I try to come up with something else to ask her. ‘Bit rubbish having to start a new school in your last year of GCSEs,’ I say, as we reach the bottom of the stairs.
‘It sure is,’ she replies flatly.
Now I’m lost for words.
The smell from the cafeteria engulfs us before we reach it and we go to stand in the queue.
It’s then that I see him: Tom Ryder, a few metres ahead of me. He’s in sixth form now and looks even better out of school uniform. He’s wearing denim jeans and grey Converse trainers with a faded yellow T-shirt, and his brown hair is streaked with highlights from the summer sun. As he turns to say something to his mate, Chris, I see his profile: straight nose, long eyelashes, bronzed skin…
I jolt when I realise that Louise is talking to me.
‘Sorry, what?’
‘Who’s that?’ she asks me, her lips curling upwards at the corners.
‘Who?’
‘Him.’ She nods at Tom.
‘Oh.’ I shrug. ‘Just, you know, To m Ryder.’
She smirks at me knowingly.
I frown at her. ‘Is that what you asked me?’ I’m sure that wasn’t the question she came out with when I was busy swooning.
‘No, I was wondering if the food here is any good, but this subject is far more interesting.’
I blush and, to my mortification, Tom chooses that exact same moment to catch my eye.
‘Hey,’ he says.
‘Hi,’ I mumble, looking down as the burning sensation on my face intensifies. When I look up again, he’s being served.
A few moments later he passes by with his lunch, but he doesn’t say anything, just raises his eyebrows at me and gives me a small, uncomfortable smile. He’s walking too quickly for me to strike up a belated conversation and my embarrassment transforms into disappointment. That wasn’t at all how I expected our first meeting after the summer holidays to go.
A few minutes later I’m sitting at a table with Louise, deep in thought.
‘Want to talk about it?’ she asks, dunking a potato wedge into some ketchup and popping it into her mouth. ‘You can trust me,’ she adds. ‘It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone. You’re the only person who’s said more than two words—’
‘I wish I had more to say,’ I cut in, as an image of Amanda and Libby with their arms linked comes to mind. I could do with someone to confide in. ‘Basically, we were supposed to go to the cinema during the holidays, but I went away and haven’t had time to text him since I’ve been back.’
‘You haven’t had time to text?’
‘I’ve been really busy.’ I shrug defensively, not wanting to go into details.
‘Wow,’ she says, deadpan.
‘It’s not like he’s texted me, either.’
And, from the look on his face as he walked past earlier, I doubt he ever will. I can tell by Louise’s expression that she’s thinking the same thing.
‘Hey, chick.’ Johnny’s warm voice spills down the line early that evening. I still can’t get used to calling him Dad. ‘How was your first day back?’
‘It was OK,’ I reply non-committally.
‘That good?’
‘It was fine. What have you been up to?’ I ask, changing the subject.
‘Meg’s been catching up with a friend of hers today, so I’ve had the boys to myself. We went to the park. Fed the ducks.’
Meg is Johnny’s wife. When we first met, she and I had a few issues, but she seems to be over her initial mistrust of me now. I hope so. I really want us to get on.
‘Sounds nice,’ I say, wishing I could have gone with them.
‘It wasn’t that nice. Barney slipped over in the mud and nearly fell into the river. Sam almost had a heart attack.’ He chuckles.
Sam – Samuel – is one of Johnny’s bodyguards from America, and came with the family on this trip to the UK. Barney, age four, is older brother to Phoenix, who recently turned one. They’re so, so cute.
‘I can just imagine,’ I say, my voice still tinged with sadness.
‘You alright?’ Johnny asks with concern. ‘You seem down.’
‘Oh, you know, first day back and all. I miss you guys.’
‘You’ll see us this weekend,’ he reminds me.
As if I could forget. I’m going to stay at their massive mansion in Henley. I can’t wait.
‘So what have you got planned for the rest of the week? School, school and more school?’
‘I’ve got a birthday party on Friday night,’ I tell him.
‘Whose?’
‘A friend of a friend,’ I reply.
‘Which friend?’
‘Natalie. Her friend’s name is Liam.’
‘How old is he?’
‘He’s just turned eighteen.’ Jeez, what’s with all the questions?
‘Isn’t that crowd a little old for you to be hanging out with?’ he asks.
‘Are you taking the piss?!’ Rock star or not, dads can be preeettty irritating.
‘Just behave yourself,’ he adds.
OK, that’s one step too far. This is coming from a former womanising drink and drug addict! ‘As if you can tell me to behave!’
‘That’s exactly why I can tell you,’ he says coolly. ‘I’ve been there, done that. I know where it gets you.’
‘I get enough of this shit from Stu,’ I complain.
‘That’s why I like your stepdad,’ Johnny says cheerfully. ‘Oh, and watch your mouth,’ he snaps as an afterthought.
Stu was initially a little stand-offish with Johnny – I’m not sure he’s quite forgiven him for the way he treated my mum.
I’m not sure I’ve quite forgiven him, I think with a pang. Mum died eight months ago, at the beginning of this year, and her death is still so raw. I’m getting better at not thinking about it every minute of every day, but sometimes it still hits me out of the blue.
She was killed in a freak accident on my fifteenth birthday. She’d been rushing around, trying to get everything ready for my party, and she’d finally hurried out of the house to buy my birthday cake. I waited and waited for her to return, getting increasingly pissed off with how long she was taking. Eventually that annoyance turned to dread.
All of my fears were founded. The police turned up to say that she had been walking along the pavement when a loose fourth-storey windowpane had crashed down on her, killing her instantly. I broke, then, and I’ll never be fixed.
Mum had kept the secret of my real father’s identity from me my whole life. A few months after her death, I began to resent the fact that I would never know the truth. Poor Stu didn’t know what to do with me – I was being a total bitch. I had no idea that he knew who my biological father was and, when he finally made the decision to come clean, I didn’t believe him.
I still remember the exact moment that I found out.
‘Please tell me,’ I’d begged him. ‘I need to know. It’s why I’ve been so… angry… I can’t move on, I can’t say goodbye to her. Not really. I’m so hurt and upset that she kept this from me. Please…’
In the end, he came right out with it: ‘His name is Johnny Jefferson.’
That wasn’t the moment, by the way. Like I said, I didn’t believe him at first because Johnny is a household name, like über-successful. As if he could be my father!
But Stu explained that Mum was a groupie of Johnny’s first band, Fence, before they became megastars. He said that she followed the band everywhere and was completely obsessed with Johnny, their lead singer. This seemed more plausible because Mum was such a rock chick.
I warned Stu that if he was lying to me I’d walk out of the door and he’d never see me again. Then – and this is the moment – he swore on my mother’s grave that he was telling the truth.
I believed him, then. He wouldn’t lie about that. I felt dizzy with shock, like my world had broken away from its axis and started to roll downhill.
That was just over two months ago, and my world is still out of control.
When I went to LA for the summer, Johnny himself told me what had happened between him and my mother, and it wasn’t pretty. He said they hooked up after one of his concerts and had a bit of a thing going for a while, but, when Mum started to want commitment, he pushed her away. He even scored with another girl right in front of her. Bastard.
She never told him about me. By the time she found out she was pregnant, he was off on a world tour and stories about him and his groupies kept hitting the headlines. She realised she was just one of many. It broke her heart, and Stu was around to pick up the pieces.
So no, I don’t think my stepdad has fully forgiven Johnny for his behaviour in the past, even if my dad is a changed man now, thanks to Meg and the boys.
The sound of a wailing child pierces my ears, bringing me back to the present.
‘You OK, buddy?’ Johnny shouts to his son over the cries.
‘You gotta go?’ I interrupt.
‘Yep, sorry, Jess. Barney’s banged his head on the table.’
‘Ouch. Give him a hug from his big sister.’ Half-sister, but no need to be technical about it.
‘I will. Take care,’ he says warmly. ‘And be careful at the party!’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ I reply, but he’s already gone.
By the time Friday rolls around, I’ve taken to calling Louise ‘Lou’, I’ve filled her in on the history between Libby and me, and she even knows that my mum died earlier this year, although I didn’t give her many details. She’s alright, actually. I like her. And it’s a relief to have a new friend to take away the sting of Libby and Amanda’s twosome.
‘Any plans for tonight?’ Lou asks when we’re sitting on the field at lunchtime.
‘House party,’ I reply, distracted by Tom and his mates playing football. I didn’t see him at all yesterday. It was raining so we spent our breaks in the cafeteria. He was probably in the sixth-form chill-out area. The inner sanctum…
‘It’s at Natalie’s friend’s house,’ I elaborate. I’ve told Lou about Natalie, too. ‘What about you?’
‘Nothing. Well, I said I’d call Chloe after dinner.’
Chloe is Lou’s best mate from Portsmouth. I’m not the only one who’s pining for a friend. The difference is, Lou’s circumstances were thrust upon her. I can only blame myself for the end of my friendship with Libby. I was hurting so much after Mum’s death that I wanted to dull the pain, not add to it by talking it through all the time. And Libby’s family is so perfect that being around them just reminded me of what I’d lost. I take a deep breath, trying not to dwell on Mum. I don’t want to lose it at school.
‘Why don’t you come to the party, too?’ I suggest.
‘Thanks, but I don’t want to gatecrash.’
‘Nat won’t care.’ At least I don’t think she will.
‘OK, maybe,’ she says.
I jolt as I see Tom glance our way, then someone kicks the ball at him and he’s off again.
‘Is he going?’ Lou asks me, noticing who has my attention.
‘I don’t know.’ I drag my eyes away to see Libby coming our way with Amanda in tow.
‘Can we join you?’ Libby asks, with a wavering smile.
‘Of course,’ I reply, pleased, ignoring the sour look on Amanda’s face as she reluctantly follows suit and sits down next to Libby on the grass.
‘How’s your first week been?’ Libby smiles at Lou.
‘Not bad,’ Lou replies.
I listen to their polite chat, trying to figure out why Libby is bothering. It’s clear she’s Amanda’s now. In fact, she’s so deep in her new friend’s pockets that I’m surprised Amanda hasn’t stamped MINE, MINE, MINE all over her.
Maybe she’s missing me, a small voice inside me whispers. My instinct is to quash it, but I’m not sure that I want to.
I look towards the playing field again and, at that very moment, Tom locks eyes with me. A shiver goes down my spine as he smiles. I shyly return the gesture, then make a concerted effort to join in the conversation around me, but I still feel nervy for ages afterwards.
After final bell has rung, Lou and I walk out of the classroom together.
‘So do you want to come tonight or what?’ I ask her, slinging my backpack over my shoulder as we burst out of the double doors into the afternoon sunshine.
‘Thanks, but I think I’ll give it a miss.’
‘You sure?’ We walk across the cobbled courtyard.
‘Yes, but thanks. Next time?’
‘OK.’
At least I offered.
Up ahead, I see Tom exit the sixth-form block alone, pausing for a moment to wait for someone.
‘Why don’t you go and talk to him?’ Lou suggests, as my footsteps falter.
‘No, I couldn’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘Things are too weird.’ I shake my head decisively and glance up at Stu’s corner office.
‘He’s looking at you!’ Lou whispers urgently, making me do exactly what you’re not supposed to do in this situation: shoot my head round and meet his stare straight on. Oops. It’s now completely obvious that he’s the subject of our discussion. Before I can look away again, he grins.
Lou giggles, I shush her and then his mate Chris walks out of the door behind him. Tom nods in our direction and they amble over to us.
‘Alright?’ I say casually, praying my face doesn’t imitate a beetroot this time.
‘Alright,’ Tom replies. ‘Hey.’ He nods at Lou, and I introduce them.
‘Are you going to Liam’s eighteenth tonight?’ I ask.
Tom frowns. ‘Who’s Liam?’
Disappointment surges through me. I’ll take that as a no, then. ‘He goes to college with Natalie,’ I explain.
‘You know Liam,’ Chris chips in, elbowing Tom. ‘He’s Isla’s sister’s… What’s her name?’
‘Lauren,’ Tom offers.
‘Yeah, Lauren’s ex.’
I stopped trying to follow the connection at the mention of Isla – Tom’s ex-girlfriend. And I switched off when Tom implied he wasn’t going…
‘Oh,’ Tom says slowly. ‘Yeah, I know the guy. Is it at his house?’ he asks me.
‘I think so. I think anyone’s invited,’ I add lamely, hoping that’s actually the case.
‘You going?’ Chris asks Lou.
‘Maybe.’ She shifts on her feet and, to my surprise, blushes. Does she like Chris?!
‘Might see you there, then,’ Tom says, bringing my attention back to him. I suddenly perk up again.
‘Sure.’ I nod casually and indicate for Lou to join me as we walk away. ‘So are you coming after all?’ I whisper.
‘Maybe,’ she replies, her colour deepening. ‘I’ll ask my dad.’
Chapter 2
‘At long bloody last!’ Natalie exclaims, as she engulfs me in a hug in her doorway.
‘I’m only ten minutes late.’ My voice is muffled by her shoulder.
She laughs and pulls away. ‘No, I mean, about time we had a big night out. It’s been how long? Let’s make up for it now!’
We walk to the party. Stu dropped me at Nat’s, but not without warning me to be good. ‘You’re as bad as Johnny,’ I mumbled. He found this comment annoyingly funny.
‘You look amazing. I love your dress!’ Natalie gushes.
�
�Thanks.’ It’s a black and mint minidress that Johnny bought for me in LA, but I keep that information to myself. ‘You too.’
She’s wearing a black skirt with an H&M top that I recognise. It’s pale blue, like her eyes, and contrasts well with her dyed-black hair.
‘How’s school?’
‘It’s OK,’ I reply. Better today, thanks to Libby’s effort. And the fact that I managed to speak to Tom without making a total fool of myself. ‘But I wish you were still there,’ I add. ‘How’s college?’
‘Great,’ she replies, flashing me an apologetic grin. ‘Sorry. One more year and you’ll be there, too.’
Or I’ll be in LA. I’ve got no idea how my life is going to pan out in the next twelve months, or how I want it to.
I’ve already filled Natalie in on my time in America because she came over last week, so we spend the walk chatting about boys, namely Tom and Liam, the latter of whom is Natalie’s current crush.
We pick up Lou on the way to the party and, when Liam answers the door to the three of us, I can see what Nat sees in him. He’s a tall, skinny emo-boy with messy black hair, a lip piercing and a small tattoo of a thorny red rose on his right forearm. Totally and utterly her type.
‘You got it done!’ Natalie exclaims, grabbing his wrist and admiring his ink.
‘Yesterday.’ He laughs. It does look a bit raw, but still cool.
‘Happy birthday,’ Natalie says, proffering a bottle of vodka.
‘Cheers.’ He takes it from her as he shows us in. ‘Drinks are in the kitchen.’
He disappears into the first room on his left, where Thirty Seconds to Mars is pounding out of the stereo. Natalie leads the way into the kitchen, flashing me a ‘what-do-you-think?’ kind of look.
‘Hot,’ I mouth, which pleases her greatly.
We grab a few drinks and head outside. After a while, my phone buzzes. My heart jumps when I see it’s a text from Agnes, Jack’s sister:
Hey, you, bored out of my brains in Geography. Map of UK reminded me of you. How’s life? Miss you.
I met Agnes in LA through Jack, but she’s kept in touch ever since.
Unlike her brother…
I emailed Jack shortly after I got back from America, but he hasn’t even bothered to reply. I really wish I hadn’t now.