Healing Tides

by Katie Winters

  Elsa buzzed her lips. “I don’t know. Maybe? I mean, it shows this Carlson guy is a bad guy. Why does he have offshore accounts or illegal dealings?”

  “Sure. But there are loads of shady guys out there. It doesn’t mean your husband didn’t wrong him in some way.”

  There was silence between them. Bruce’s eyes fell to the pad of paper on the desk. After a long pause, he added, “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry, but I have to speculate at best.”

  “It’s okay. I understand,” Elsa said hurriedly. “I know you didn’t.”

  After a long pause, Bruce buzzed his lips, ran his fingers through his thick hair, and then said, “I want to go for a walk. Would you be interested in a walk? It’s a beautiful day, and I’ve spent almost all of it locked between these four walls.”

  A FEW MINUTES LATER, Elsa and Bruce walked along the waterway near the Oak Bluffs harbor. In the distance, a ferry swept forth, straight from Woods Hole in Falmouth and within, another rampant collection of tourists approached. Elsa could feel the excitement beaming from the tip-top of the ferry like a cloud. How strange the concept of “vacation” was. She’d hardly taken one a day in her life. She supposed that’s what it meant to grow up in paradise — if paradise was really what this was.

  Elsa placed her hands over the wooden railing that trailed up toward the western part of the island, over where the Sunrise Cove Inn swelled, overlooking the ocean. Her lump in her throat seemed bigger than ever at that moment.

  “Maybe you could still interview those girls. See what they say?” Elsa finally asked.

  Bruce nodded. He clutched the railing, too. Elsa wondered what he thought, or why he’d asked her outside, or what he really thought of Aiden, especially after perusing all of his paperwork. Did Bruce maybe think that Aiden had done what Carlson Montague had said? Was it possible that Aiden had done all that?

  It chilled her to the bone to actually ask that question.

  She’d known Aiden to his core. She had known how he liked to sleep and how much milk to put in his coffee and which movie always made him cry (Good Will Hunting, every single time). She’d loved him to pieces, even the messy parts of him and with him gone, she was a hollowed-out mess.

  “What was your wife like?” Elsa asked it so tentatively that it even came as a surprise to herself.

  Bruce clutched the wooden rail still harder, although his energy remained the same: sure, calm. Something to lean on.

  “She was much funnier than me,” he finally said. “When she entered a room, she knew exactly what to say to make everyone burst into laughter. Sometimes, she brought me to tears with her jokes. I realized, when I stayed on at the house we’d lived in together, I hadn’t laughed in weeks— maybe months. It tore me apart, knowing that, but it’s also part of the reason I came back here. My brother and sister both live here on the island and they’re funny but not as funny as she was. They make me fall apart sometimes with laughter. It’s good for the soul, that’s for sure. It’s true what they say about that.”

  Elsa feigned confusion. She furrowed her brow and said, “What do you mean? Who says what about what?”

  Bruce spread out his large palms and blinked at her. “You know— about laughter. And medicine.”

  Elsa shook her head doubtfully. “Laughter? And medicine?”

  Bruce looked aghast. “You seriously haven’t heard that?”

  Elsa winced. “Ooo no. Bruce Holland doesn’t understand sarcasm. That’s a minus two on the old point system.”

  Suddenly, Bruce’s face grew electric. He tossed his head back as laughter rolled from his lips. He smacked his hand on the railing so hard that it shook.

  “You really got me. Jeez. I can’t believe it.”

  Elsa joined him in laughter and her stomach spasmed. “It wasn’t even that funny of a joke!”

  “I know. I know. But I really needed it,” Bruce told her warmly as the last of his laughter died out. “Thank you for it, really.”

  Elsa dug her elbow into his bicep playfully. “I’ll try to come up with a few more jokes for you, but only if you do the same for me?”

  “That’s a deal,” he told her. “I’m going to hold you to that one.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  BRUCE AND ELSA RETURNED back to Elsa’s vehicle about a half-hour later. Elsa lifted her eyes to Bruce’s as she began to thank him for the conversation and for his kindness. But at that moment, Bruce lifted his phone to find a message.

  “One second.” He tapped through his phone, then paused for a long time as he blinked down at it.

  From Elsa’s vantage point, all she could see was a dark screen. Annoyance ballooned in her stomach. Why hadn’t he waited another few minutes to check on this after she had left?

  But at that moment, everything changed. His eyes found hers again as he turned the phone screen toward her. Elsa’s heart dropped into her stomach. A low moan crept out of her throat. Nothing about this was right. Nothing about this was fair.

  Bruce had brought up a newspaper article. And the headline read:

  LOCAL STOCKBROKER AIDEN STEEL PURPORTEDLY MISHANDLED FUNDS AND STOLE FROM TRUSTING CLIENTS

  Beneath the headline, the idiot journalist had actually put a photo of Aiden, one that had been featured on his website for all to see. Elsa hadn’t bothered to even think about taking the website down. Doing that would have meant yet again that he was really gone. Now, she regretted it.

  “No.” Elsa gripped the phone still harder and blinked up at Bruce. Her knees clacked together. “No. Why did they write this? I don’t understand. There’s no proof. You told me yourself that there’s no proof.”

  Bruce’s nostrils flared. “That’s why they wrote ‘purportedly.’ There’s nothing to go on. They’re just interviewing this Carlson guy and whoever else wants their fifteen minutes of fame. Dammit.” He took his phone back and ran his free fingers through his hair in the act of frustration.

  Awkwardness permeated the air between them. Their beautiful walk had been squashed. Elsa reached for her keys but immediately dropped them on the ground as her hands shook horribly.

  “I want to drive you home,” Bruce said. His voice was firm, something to cling to as the world shattered around her.

  “That’s silly. You don’t have to do that.” Even as she spoke, she felt herself falling away from present consciousness. Shadows formed on the outside of her vision, so she steadied herself against the car as sweat pooled across her neck.

  “Please. I want to. I’ll even drive your car.”

  Elsa waded to the passenger seat. Her arms spasmed as she reached for the seatbelt and strung it over her lap. Bruce turned on the engine and muttered to himself, words Elsa could hardly make out.

  “What was that?”

  “Nothing. I just want to call the newspaper. I can’t believe they would put out such a damaging article.” He grumbled again, then added, “Maybe this Carlson guy has a say in what’s published. It’s happened before. He might be a sponsor or —”

  Bruce continued to mutter as they eased away from Oak Bluffs and swirled along the back roads, all the way south. Elsa felt a sense of dread as they grew closer. She had attempted for the past few weeks to hide all this from her children, from her friends, from her family. Now, their ocean of lies was splayed out for all to see.

  Bruce parked Elsa’s car in the driveway and turned to look at her. Elsa might have made a joke about how he was too big for her car. His knees threatened to bang against the steering wheel, even though he’d adjusted it all the way up. He was a giant but such a tender, kind, and upstanding giant.

  “Do you want me to come in with you? I can explain everything we know so far to your family,” Bruce offered.

  Elsa shook her head. “No. I need to face this alone, I think.”

  “You’re not alone in this, Elsa. You never have been.” Bruce set his jaw. After a moment, he pressed open the car door and stepped out. He informed her he would walk the rest of the way to his place, seeing it
wasn’t far and that he needed to clear his head.

  Just then, the sadness made her body feel overwhelmed with exhaustion. She felt like a slug. She watched him from the front porch as he disappeared behind the line of trees, now completely out of view. For the first time, she tried to picture what his bachelor pad might look like. What a strange thing it might have been to live alone after so much time with a spouse. She hoped he wasn’t lonely. But loneliness was a necessary part of life, wasn’t it? Even Elsa was lonely sometimes, even when around her nearest and dearest.

  The house seemed drafty and quiet. Elsa stepped through and discovered Nancy and Janine on the back porch. They stood around Mallory, who had her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook. Alongside her in his baby seat, Zachery whacked a plastic spoon around playfully.

  The screen door creaked open. Mallory lifted her eyes to her mother’s and her chin quivered.

  “Did you know about this?” Mallory breathed.

  Elsa paused for a long time. There was so much to say, and still, so much she didn’t know.

  “He didn’t do anything wrong,” Elsa finally said.

  “How can you know that?” Mallory whispered.

  “Because I knew your father for twenty-seven years. He was the most honest man I’ve ever known. He wouldn’t have done this. He wouldn’t have put us in a position like this after his death. I would bet my life on it.”

  Nancy fell back into one of the porch chairs and dotted a handkerchief across her forehead. Janine sipped her wine and blinked at the floor.

  After a long pause, Nancy cleared her throat.

  “You’re right, Elsa. I really don’t believe it, either. And these rich men that come to the island for sailing season — they can really be problematic. No way to know what these guys’ motives are.”

  Elsa nodded, even as her eyes welled with tears. Mallory remained speechless. Just then, Elsa’s phone began to vibrate in her purse. She lifted it to find Cole’s name. Soon, she knew, Alexie would also be calling from New York City. The cat was out of the bag.

  “I have a lawyer handling this, Mal,” Elsa said as she lifted her phone to her ear. “We will clear your father’s name. Mark my words. And then I’ll sue this damn buffoon for defamation of character. Do you understand me?”

  Cole, of course, already knew bits and pieces of his father’s situation. But his silence on the other end of the line as Elsa explained what they knew so far was dark and menacing.

  “Don’t do anything rash, Cole,” Elsa finally said. She half-imagined him, ducking down to the docks and punching one of those guys in the face. “It isn’t worth it. I don’t want anyone to get in even more trouble.”

  Cole cleared his throat. There was the sound of whipping wind around his phone. Probably, he already stood out on one of those docks, nearest to his sailboat. She could picture him gazing out at the horizon line, sullen, volatile and angry. She wished she could take his pain away, all of their pain away.

  “You really think we can trust him?” Cole finally asked.

  Elsa’s heart shattered. “Of course, we can trust him.”

  “I’m just starting to forget, Mom. What he was really like.”

  This was the worst possible thing for Cole to ever say. Elsa’s eyes closed at the thought — that one day, even her memories of Aiden would be stretched thin. Maybe she wouldn’t fully remember his face. Maybe she would have to watch old videos in order to remember his voice.

  “He’s still here with us, Cole. He’s watching over us.” Even as Elsa said it, she wasn’t so sure. She was beginning to lose her grip on reality. Her throat tightened when through the other end of the line, she heard Cole weep. It broke her heart in two.

  Now that Cole was twenty-six-years-old, it was strange to hear him cry. Elsa begged him to come over, so they could be together as a family. But Cole said he couldn’t. “I have to deal with this alone,” he told her.

  “I don’t think anyone should be alone in this,” Elsa told him. “Please. I love you. I want you here.”

  In the end, Cole gave in and did go back to Nancy’s house. He sat sullenly on the back porch and sipped a beer. Throughout the stunted conversation, he crossed his arms over his chest and looked out across the water. Nancy continued to try to get everyone to eat, but everyone just refused. Even Janine sat with her shoulders hunched, acting gloomy. Both her girls had returned to the city, and there was sadness that shadowed her face.

  Everyone at the table mourned a loss.

  The following morning, Elsa drove out to the cemetery where they had buried Aiden’s body beneath six feet of dirt. She and Mallory had planted tulips along the stone in the spring, and the flowers were boisterous and bright against the severe grey of the tombstone. Elsa fell onto the grass in front of it and traced his name in the rock with her finger.

  “Tell me you didn’t do this, Aiden. Tell me you didn’t leave us with such a big mess.”

  Elsa wasn’t sure what she expected. A hawk rushed overhead and cawed out. The sound was ominous, horrific; she decided it couldn’t be any sign from Aiden. In some ways, she felt him less here at his grave than she did in other places on the island. After all, they had no memories at the cemetery together. Normally, she had visited her mother and brother’s graves alone or with her father.

  Notably, Carmella had never come with them. Not since her teenage years. And even then, Karen had gotten her out of those trips.

  “I feel pretty alone without you here, Aiden,” Elsa whispered. “You left me with all these clues that I can’t make sense of, and a bunch of very rich, angry men who want to drag your name through the mud and then some. It kills me to think that so many islanders think poorly of you now. People love gossip. People love secrets. And these naysayers played into that perfectly.”

  Elsa buzzed her lips and lifted her chin toward the sky. Clouds lifted beautifully through the blue and they puffed around like cotton candy. She wanted to curse the gorgeous day; she longed for rain and turmoil, sharp wind instead— anything to match her mood.

  “You always said God gives us just exactly what we can handle,” Elsa breathed to the tombstone. “But I haven’t been able to handle any of this. And I’m getting so tired, Aiden. I’m so, so tired.”

  As Elsa drove back to the Katama Lodge to get in a few hours of work, Bruce called her.

  “I managed to track down a couple of those women you told me about,” he said. “The ones who hang with these men. Two blonde girls.”

  “Yes. There was one redhead and two blondes.”

  “Well, anyway. They’re pretty hush-hush about anything to do with these guys. They mentioned trips to Paris and private planes and tickets to baseball games and all that, but they either don’t know what Carlson Montague is up to, or they’ve made sure to wade their way around it.”

  Elsa buzzed her lips. “The red-haired one was the one who seemed to know the most. Maybe you could interview her?”

  “I wasn’t able to track her down. I asked the other girls about her, but they just shrugged and made up some excuse. I don’t know where to go from here, really. It isn’t a dead-end exactly, but...”

  “I get it,” Elsa said. “Thank you for trying.”

  “This isn’t over, Elsa.”

  Elsa tried to believe in his words. Still, the heaviness of it all made her despondent. She thanked him again and then hung up the phone. Back in her office, she attempted to throw herself into her duties for the day; but sometimes, the anxiety of it all swept through her like the wind. She gazed out the window and demanded herself to breathe: in, out. In, out.

  The only way forward was through. She had to believe that.

  Chapter Twenty

  THE NEXT FEW DAYS DRIPPED past. Elsa staggered through every hour. She caught herself staring out windows, blinking into space — her mind heavy with fears and panic. All the while, Bruce checked in with her, without much news. It seemed they had run up against a brick wall. Islanders, too, had begun to look at Elsa with even
more pity than they had previously. News of Aiden’s “failings” had spread like wildfire. Now, Elsa wasn’t only the woman who had lost her husband and her father in a single year; she was also the woman who had been left with a mess the size of Neptune.

  “Tell me we won’t have to pay this bastard all this money,” Elsa breathed into the phone.

  Bruce was quiet for a long time. He cleared his throat and then said, “I’m really going to do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

  “But you can’t promise.”

  “I can only promise I’ll be with you through this till the end.”

  Elsa dropped her head back after Bruce hung up. She placed her phone on her chest and listened to the subtle but ever-growing sound of her heart as it slammed around in her ribcage. Years ago, Aiden had placed his head on her heart as they’d lie together in bed. “I love to listen to how alive you are,” he’d said. The moment had always stuck with her — especially in the months since his own heart had stopped.

  Elsa hung up the phone and lifted her fingers to her keyboard. Several emails demanded her attention. She struggled with spelling, with grammar, as though all of her intelligence had dripped out of her ears. She blinked out toward the window and thought for the first time in a long time that she might like to leave the island and go somewhere else— where nobody knew her or Aiden’s name. There, she could live in the silence of herself, safe with her memories.

  But to live in your memories was not living at all. She knew that. In the wake of her brother’s death and then her mother’s death, she had forced herself forward. She had fallen in love and she’d gotten pregnant and then she had gotten married. Events had flung themselves forth and she’d loved every minute of that “carpe diem” mentality.

  There was a knock at the door. Elsa glanced at her computer’s calendar. No meetings were scheduled for another two hours.

  “Come in?”

  The door cracked the slightest bit. A tennis shoe opened it wider. Elsa furrowed her brow at the flash of dark curls and the large, ominous eyes. Carmella stood before her and she did not smile.