Scared Selfless

by Michelle Stevens, PhD

  I was the victim.

  The person to blame was Gary Lundquist.

  When I finally understood this, my self-loathing disappeared. For the first time ever, I felt love for myself.

  —

  A FEW MONTHS after I got out of the hospital, I returned to grad school. I managed a full-time schedule as a student with full-time duties as a mother, while also working thirty hours a week as a counselor. Sometimes, as I was reading a textbook while stirring a pot of spaghetti with a baby on my hip, I’d think about the idiot therapist who said my debilitating illness would render me unable to do much. What a laugh!

  I also got an amazing and humbling letter from Suzy! In it, she said that meeting me and spending time with Chris and Mikey had been a life-changing experience for her. Before our friendship, it had never occurred to her that someone with DID could also lead a normal life. After leaving the hospital, Suzy immediately got a job, got off disability, and returned to the world of the living. In just a few months, she’d lost thirty pounds and was dating for the first time in twenty years!

  When it came time to choose a dissertation topic, I knew just what I wanted to do. I wanted to tell the story of my abuse. First, so I could record my entire history from start to finish. Second, so I could research the topic of child sexual abuse and figure out exactly how and why these terrible things had happened to me and others like Suzy. With the help of my endlessly supportive dissertation chair, Robert McAndrews, I selected a research method called autoethnography. It allows someone to study their own story within a cultural context like, say, a child living in a world fraught with rampant child sexual abuse.

  I started my research in 2006 and didn’t finish until 2012. During those years, I came to realize that while my story was extreme it certainly wasn’t unusual. All over the world, millions of children are abused—sexually and otherwise. In time, these children grow up to be adults who are plagued with problems like low self-esteem, eating disorders, substance abuse, sex addiction, the inability to trust, anxiety, depression, self-harming tendencies, and dissociation.

  As a therapist, I started meeting these people—my people—the moment I began to practice. They filled the inpatient facility where I worked as a counselor. They came in droves to the community clinic where I did my practicum. During my internship at a college mental health office, nearly all of my clients had some history of abuse. It’s the same in my private practice.

  There are so many people who struggle to overcome symptoms created by traumas in childhood. Yet sadly, a lot of them don’t realize it. They struggle to get ahead in the world, to form loving relationships, to feel contentment and joy, but they can’t. And they don’t know why. Unable to see the connection between the abuse and neglect they suffered as children and their current problems, they blame themselves.

  My job as a therapist is to help victims of trauma understand that they are not to blame. They are not responsible for the bad things that happened to them as children, nor are they responsible for the personal problems that developed as a result. What they are responsible for is fixing those problems. This can only be done by bravely facing the past, identifying the effects that the past has on the present, and working through all the painful emotional baggage that is sure to come up as a result.

  —

  IT WAS NOT EASY to work through my baggage. From start to finish, it took me fifteen years, eight therapists, and three hospitalizations to heal. It was expensive and exhausting and gut-wrenchingly painful. Still, I’m glad I did it.

  My reward for all that hard work is a successful and satisfying life. I’m able to love and be loved, feel joy and contentment, and generally be free of anxiety and depression. I’m currently in the third decade of a loving, fun, and supportive marriage. I have meaningful friendships, some with people I’ve known for more than forty years. And did I mention? I have the world’s best, brightest, most handsome son!

  Now free of my demons, I find incredible fulfillment in helping other people let go of theirs. I do this by practicing as a psychotherapist, speaking to groups about my road to healing, and now writing about my life’s journey. I am also the founder and director of Post-Traumatic Success (www.Post-TraumaticSuccess.com), a nonprofit organization dedicated to educating and inspiring those affected by psychological trauma.

  Don’t get me wrong, my life isn’t perfect. Not by a long shot. I still experience down days and jags of anxiety. I still have periods of stress and self-doubt. But nowadays, these feelings are bearable and normal.

  I have a normal life.

  Who could ask for anything more?

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  This may sound weird coming from someone with my past, but I lead a charmed life. Whatever bad fortune befell me in childhood has been more than made up for ever since through amazing opportunities, wonderful people, and an overabundance of laughter and love.

  I started out life wanting to be a writer. But because of abuse-related symptoms, I was unable to pursue my dream. Instead, I was forced to focus on overcoming trauma. In doing so, I developed a passion for psychology and discovered that my true calling in life is helping others heal.

  With the publishing of this book, everything has come full circle. What a miraculous journey life can be! I have been given the opportunity to educate others about trauma psychology and inspire them to heal—all while fulfilling my original childhood dream.

  This dream was made possible, first and foremost, by my literary agent, Steve Ross. Steve heard about my story through a mutual friend and asked for a book proposal. Having no idea what that was, I proceeded to send him the worst proposal in history. Despite this, Steve took the time to learn more about my story and mentor me. (Who does that?) Since the day I met him, he has provided unwavering support, enthusiasm, protection, and guidance. He is one of the kindest and most generous, intelligent, funny, wise people I have ever met. I am blessed and honored to call him my friend.

  I would never have met Steve without the generous help of Nell Scovell, my friend for twenty years. Nell, a masterly writer in every medium, was the first to suggest that my story might make a good book. She not only pitched me to an agent but offered continuous support and guidance as I learned about the publishing process.

  I must admit that the whole idea of publishing a book about my life scared me at first. While I wanted to use my story to educate and inspire others who struggle, I worried that an editor might press me to produce a product that was overly sensationalized. My fears were assuaged as soon as I met Kerri Kolen. In my wildest dreams, I could not conceive of a finer editor. From the very beginning Kerri encouraged me to write my story exactly as I saw fit. She has championed and protected my cause and my voice every step of the way. She is an insightful and judicious editor, and this book is a thousand times better because of her.

  The entire process of putting this book together has felt like a fairy tale. If Kerri is my fairy godmother, then everyone else at Putnam is a magical helper who has somehow managed to make me feel like the belle of the ball. Since our very first meeting, I have been in love with the staff at Putnam. I am particularly grateful to Ashley Hewlett, Sally Kim, Alexis Welby, Carrie Swetonic, Ashley McClay, and Anabel Pasarow. I owe you ladies, and everyone else at Putnam, a round of cosmos.

  If I’m buying drinks, I need to send some over to Kathleen Zrelak and Lynn Goldberg of Goldberg McDuffie Communications, who have become my knights in shining PRmor.

  I am deeply indebted to all the angels who have championed this book, including Carol Brooks, Curt King, Wendy Luckenbill, Bela Bajaria, and Terry Wood. I thank Timea Nagy for reminding me what a great honor and privilege it is to be given a voice, Ramey Warren for teaching me how to use that voice most effectively, and Martha Westman and Sari Lietzman for helping me look pretty in the process.

  I’m grateful to Saybrook University and all of the professors who encouraged me to research t
his topic, especially Robert McAndrews, Steve Pritzker, Tom Greening, and Patrick Faggianelli.

  I would not be a writer today without the early support and encouragement I received from Gary Garrison and D. B. Gilles at NYU, Nancy Bennett at Delaware Township Schools, Stephen Sondheim, and the late Marvin Hamlisch.

  I am profoundly blessed to work in a profession through which I am able to meet extraordinary people and share in their journeys. I am grateful to all of the clients and students I have known over the years who have allowed me to be a part of their lives. I am also indebted to my supervisor, Dr. Sheryn Scott.

  Of course, I could never have become a psychologist—and probably wouldn’t be alive today—if not for the tireless efforts of Dr. Leah Matson. For two decades, my exceptionally dedicated therapist has never failed to return my calls or offer appointments when I needed them. Working with a suicidal client who has DID can be extremely taxing and scary. God knows I put Leah through the wringer! Despite the constant crises I created in her life, Leah never, ever made me feel like I was a bother. I know I can never pay her back for all she has done for me, but I am humbly trying to pay it forward.

  For three decades, Steve Ansell has also been talking me off ledges. But unlike Leah, the foolish guy does it for free! Steve is the world’s most even-tempered person—the Ethel to my Lucy. I count on him to keep me steady and sane. Since Steve is a gifted film editor, he was the first person I entrusted with this manuscript. His notes on early drafts proved invaluable.

  I could write a book about all the ways that my wife, Chris, has helped me. Oh, wait, I did! I wish every person in the world could enjoy the kind of selfless love I receive from Chris. She has always supported my dreams no matter how long they took, how much they cost, or how crazy they seemed. In addition, my wife is always right about everything (although I will never admit this to her). I don’t know what I did to deserve such an exceptional partner, but I sure am glad that she’s mine, mine, mine.

  Finally, I must thank the young man who changed everything for me—my kind, loving, generous, beautiful son, Mikey. No one has ever brought me more joy than this funny guy, and I thank God every day that I get to be his mom. For his entire life, Mikey has been forced to sacrifice time with me while I worked on this book and the dissertation that came before it. He’s endured the sound of my typing during piano lessons, ski races, and karate practice without complaint. I am blessed to have such a loving and supportive son who lets me know he’s proud of me. I’m proud of him too.

  I don’t know why I’m so lucky, but I am overwhelmed every day by the beautiful life I am blessed to live. I pray that everyone gets a chance to experience this kind of happiness.

  NOTES

  INTRODUCTION

  “earliest years of childhood”: Sigmund Freud, “The Aetiology of Hysteria,” in The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, vol. 3, ed. James Strachey (London: Hogarth Press, 1962), 203.

  Freud recanted: The reason Freud abandoned his seduction theory remains a debated question. Some historians believe he was forced to recant due to pressure from the medical community while others feel that Freud himself grew uncomfortable with the idea of widespread child sexual abuse.

  wishful fantasies: Sigmund Freud, An Outline of Psycho-Analysis (New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1949).

  one in a million: Alfred Freedman, Harold Kaplan, and Benjamin Sadock, Comprehensive Textbook of Psychiatry, vol. 2, (Baltimore: The Williams & Wilkins Company, 1975).

  United States were sexually abused: Ascertaining the prevalence of child sexual abuse is difficult due to variations in definitions of abuse as well as people’s unwillingness to admit they have been victims. I believe the best studies are those that survey adults about their childhood experiences (as opposed to studies relying on law enforcement and social service statistics or surveys of adolescents). These statistics are from a widely cited metanalysis that was based on surveys of adults: Rebecca Bolen and Maria Scannapieco, “Prevalence of Child Sexual Abuse: A Corrective Metanalysis,” Social Service Review 73, no. 3 (1999): 281–313.

  Internationally, some regions: Naomi Pereda, Georgina Guilera, Maria Forns, and Juana Gomez-Benito, “The International Epidemiology of Child Sexual Abuse: A Continuation of Finkelhor (1994),” Child Abuse and Neglect: The International Journal 33, no. 6 (2009): 331–342.

  “meaning of the word unspeakable”: Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror (New York: Basic Books, 1992), 1.

  STALIN’S CHICKEN

  Yet, when Stalin was all done: There are several different versions of the Stalin/chicken story floating around. While they feature different settings and characters, the general story and moral remain the same. This version is the one Gary chose to repeat.

  THE PIED PIPER

  most researched group of sexual deviants: Michael Seto, “Pedophilia and Sexual Offenses Against Children,” Annual Review of Sex Research 15 (2004): 321–61.

  molesters as dumb, disordered: Gilian Tenbergen, Matthias Wittfoth, Helga Frieling, Jorge Ponseti, Martin Walter, Henrik Walter, Klaus Beier, Boris Schiffer, and Tillman Kruger, “The Neurobiology and Psychology of Pedophilia: Recent Advances and Challenges,” Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 9 (2015): 344.

  notoriously targeted by other inmates: Dennis Stevens, Inside the Mind of Sexual Offenders: Predatory Rapists, Pedophiles, and Criminal Profiles (Lincoln, NE: iUniverse, 2001).

  verified by a polygraph test: Jan Hindman and James Peters, “Polygraph Testing Leads to Better Understanding Adult and Juvenile Sex Offenders,” Federal Probation 65, no. 3 (2001): 8–15.

  28 and 93 percent: Ryan Hall and Richard Hall, “A Profile of Pedophilia: Definition, Characteristics of Offenders, Recidivism, Treatment Outcomes, and Forensic Issues,” Mayo Clinic Proceedings 82, no. 4 (April 2007): 457–71.

  molested as kids: Anna Salter, Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists, & Other Sex Offenders (New York: Basic Books, 2003).

  look to children for love and affection: Gavin Ivey and Peta Simpson, “The Psychological Life of Paedophiles: A Phenomenological Study,” South African Journal of Psychology 28, no. 1 (1998): 15–20; and Hall et al., “A Profile of Pedophilia,” 457–71.

  almost all are male: Center for Sex Offender Management, “Female Sex Offenders” (Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Justice, March 2007).

  female perpetrators: Deborah Boroughs, “Female Sexual Abusers of Children,” Children and Youth Services Review 26, no. 5 (May 2004): 481–87.

  vast majority are heterosexual: Kurt Freund and Robin Watson, “The Proportions of Heterosexual and Homosexual Pedophiles Among Sex Offenders Against Children: An Exploratory Study,” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 18, no. 1 (1992): 34–43.

  all races and socioeconomic groups: Federal Bureau of Investigation, “Crime in the United States: Arrests by Race” (2009). Retrieved from https://www2.fbi.gov/ucr/cius2009/data/table_43.html.

  Acquaintances perpetrate: Julia Whealin, Child Sexual Abuse (National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, 2007). Retrieved from http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/child-sexual-abuse.asp.

  victimizes 50 to 150 children: Gavin de Becker, foreword to Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists and Other Sex Offenders by Ann Salter (New York: Basic Books, 2003).

  chance of reoffending: Robert Prentky, Austin Lee, Raymond Knight, and David Cerce, “Recidivism Rates Among Child Molesters and Rapists: A Methodological Analysis,” Law and Human Behavior 21, no. 6 (December 1997): 635–59; and R. Karl Hanson and Monique Bussière, “Predicting Relapse: A Meta-Analysis of Sexual Offender Recidivism Studies,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 66, no. 2 (1998): 348–62.

  preferential pedophiles: Kenneth Lanning, Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis (Washington, D.C.: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 2001).

&nb
sp; goal of gaining access to children: Ibid.

  thirty years or more: Ibid.

  starts abusing in his early teens: Hall et al., “A Profile of Pedophilia,” 457–71; and John Murray, “Psychological Profile of Pedophiles and Child Molesters,” The Journal of Psychology Interdisciplinary and Applied 134, no. 2 (April 2000): 211–24.

  spot a liar: Paul Ekman and Maureen O’Sullivan, “Who Can Catch a Liar?” American Psychologist 46, no. 9 (September 1991): 913–20.

  like a third of all pedophiles: Gene Abel, Judith Becker, Jerry Cunningham-Rathner, Mary Mittelman, and Joanne Rouleau, “Multiple Paraphilic Diagnoses Among Sex Offenders,” Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law 16, no. 2 (June 1988): 153–168.

  TRICKS ARE FOR KIDS

  hurting a child is anathema: Abel et al., “Multiple Paraphilic Diagnoses Among Sex Offenders,” 153–168.

  ultimate act of love: Ivey et al., “The Psychological Life of Paedophiles,” 15–20; and Matti Virkunnen, “Victim-Precipitated Pedophilia Offences,” British Journal of Criminology 15, no. 2 (1975): 175–180.

  how to dump the kids: Lanning, Child Molesters.

  mother blame is misguided: Rhonda Elliott McGee, “Controversial Maternal Roles of Intrafamilial Child Sexual Abuse Cases,” Dissertation Abstracts International 65, no. 4:1548A; and Mary Ellen Womack, Geri Miller, and Pam Lassiter, “Helping Mothers in Incestuous Families: An Empathic Approach,” Women & Therapy 22, no. 4 (1999): 17–34.

  protect and support their children: Kathleen Faller, “The Myth of the ‘Collusive Mother,’” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 3, no. 2 (1988): 190–6; and Ann Elliott and Connie Carnes, “Reactions of Nonoffending Parents to the Sexual Abuse of their Child: A Review of the Literature,” Child Maltreatment 6, no. 4 (2001): 314–31.