Mystics, Masters, Saints, and Sages
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lookingfordistractions.MaybeifItookabathoranap,oratesomefood,orreada
bookorcalledsomeoneonthephone.
Thewholethingwasnightmarishbeyondbelief.Themind(Icouldnolongereven
call it “my” mind) was trying to come up with some explanation for this clearly inexplicableoccurrence.Thebodymovedbeyondterrorintoafrenziedhorror,giving
rise to such utter physical exhaustion that sleep became the only possible option.
AftertellingClaudethatIdidn'twanttobedisturbed,Ilaydowninbedandfellinto whatIthoughtwouldbethewelcomeoblivionofsleep.Sleepcame,butthewitness
continued, witnessing sleep from its position behind the body. This was the oddest experience. The mind was definitely asleep, but something was simultaneously
awake.
Themomenttheeyesopenedthenextmorning,themindexplodedinworry.Isthis
insanity? Psychosis? Schizophrenia? Is this what people call a nervous breakdown?
Depression? What had happened? And would it ever stop? Claude had started to noticemyagitationandwasapparentlywaitingforanexplanation.Iattemptedtotell
224
himwhathadtakenplacethedaybefore,butIwasjusttoofarawaytospeak.The witness appeared to be where “I” was located, which left the body, mind, and emotions empty of a person. It was amazing that all those functions continued to operateatall.TherewasnoexplainingthisonetoClaude,andforonceIwasgladhe
wasthekindofpersonwhodidn'tpersistinpursuingasubjectIdidn'twanttopursue.
Themindwassooverwhelmedbyitsinabilitytocomprehendthecurrentstateof
existencethatitcouldnotbedistracted.Itremainedrivetedtotheincomprehensible,
unanswerable quandaries that were generated in an unbroken stream out of this witnessing state of awareness. There was the sense of being on an edge of sorts, a boundarybetweenexistingandnotexisting,andthemindbelievedthatifitdidnot
maintain the thought of existence, existence itself would cease. Charged with this apparently life-or-death directive, the mind struggled to hold that thought, only to exhaustitselfafterseveralfitfulhours.Themindwasinagonyasittriedvaliantlyto makesenseofsomethingitcouldnevercomprehend,andthebodyrespondedtothe
anguishofthemindbylockingitselfintosurvivalmode,adrenalinepumping,senses
fine-tuned,findingandrespondingtothethreatofannihilationineverymoment.
The thought did arise that perhaps this experience of witnessing was the state of Cosmic Consciousness Maharishi had described long before as the first stage of awakened awareness. But the mind instantly discarded this possibility because it seemedimpossiblethatthehellrealmIwasinhabitingcouldhaveanythingtodowith
CosmicConsciousness.
(Twelveyearslater.)
Although I had received a great deal of reassurance from the people I had
contactedaboutmyexperience,thewintertimeofno-selfwasstillnotyieldingmuch
joy. As it turned out, the joy was to arrive all at once, crashing onto the shores of awareness suddenly and irrevocably, just as the first wave of the dropping away of selfhadoccurredtwelveyearsbefore.
From the clear experience of emptiness of self, my state of consciousness was abouttotransitionabruptlyintothenextseason—theexperiencethatnotonlyisthere
no personal self there is also no other. In other words, I was about to shift permanently into unity awareness, in which the emptiness that dominated my
consciousness was seen to be the very substance of all creation. Once the secret of emptinesswasrevealedinthisway,Ibegantodescribeitasthe“vastness.”
In the midst of a particularly eventful week, I was driving north to meet some friendswhenIsuddenlybecameawarethatIwasdrivingthroughmyself.Foryears
therehadbeennoselfatall,yethereonthisroadeverythingwasmyself,andIwas
driving through me to arrive where I already was. In essence, I was going nowhere because I was everywhere already. The infinite emptiness I knew myself to be was nowapparentastheinfinitesubstanceofeverythingIsaw.
In the wake of this transition to the vastness of emptiness, I began to meditate intensively.Ispenthourseachmorningandhoursagaineachnightjustsittinginthe
vastness,asblossomsbeganappearingonthetreeofemptiness.Astrongpullaroseto
do a solitary retreat, so I arranged to stay for a long mid-January weekend at a BuddhistretreatcenterintheSantaCruzmountains.
225
AsIdrovethroughthewintrylandscapeonmywaythere,everythingseemedmore fluid. The mountains, trees, rocks, birds, sky were all losing their differences. As I gazed about, what I saw first was how they were one; then, as a second wave of perception,Isawthedistinctions.Buttheperceptionofthesubstancetheywereall
madeofdidnotoccurthroughthephysicalbody.Rather,thevastnesswasperceiving
itself out of itself at every point in itself. A lovely calm pervaded everything—no ecstasy,nobliss,justcalm.
At the same time, something else began emerging which continues to this day—
somethingIcanonlydescribeasa“thickeningintounity”thatwasbothexperiential
and perceptual. From that day forth I have had the constant experience of both moving through and being made of the “substance” of everything. This is what is experienced first—the stuff of unity, its texture, its flavor, its substance. This non-localized,infinitesubstancecanbeperceivednotwiththeeyesorearsornose,butby the substance itself, out of itself. When the substance of unity encounters itself, it knows itself through its own sense organ. Form is like a drawing in the sand of oneness,wherethedrawing,thesand,andthefingerthatdrawsitareallone.
Onmyownwiththevastness,Ihadencounteredtheveryinsightthatdidthework
ofexposingthefearandreleasingitshold.Irealizedthatthemindhadbeenclinging
tenaciouslytotheerroneousnotionthatthepresenceoffearmeantsomethingabout
the validity of the experience of no-self. Fear had tricked the mind into taking its presencetomeansomethingthatitdidnot.Fearwaspresent,yes,butthatwasit!The
presenceoffearinnowayinvalidatedtheexperiencethatnopersonalselfexisted.It
meantonlythatfearwaspresent.
Feardidn'tneedtogoanywhereforthepersonalselftobeseentobenonexistent.
Afterall,wherecoulditpossiblygo?Ithadneverexisted.Nothingneededtochange
or be eradicated; nothing needed to do anything at all but to be. Everything occurs simultaneously—form and emptiness, pain and enlightenment, fear and awakening.
Onceseen,itseemedsoincrediblysimple.
Fear's grip now broke, and joy arose at once. The experience of emptiness had givenupitssecret.Theemptinesswasseentobenothingbuttheverysubstanceof
everything.Ifinallysawwhathadbeeninfrontofmethewholetimebuthadbeen
obscuredbyfear:Thereisnotonlynoindividualself,butalsonoother.Noself,no
other.Everythingismadeofthesamesubstanceofvastness.
Arrivingattheretreatcenterinthelateafternoon,Iunloadedmybagsatthecabin
andwentforawalkinthesurroundingwoods.Iknewmyselftobemadeofnothing
and everything, just like all
of creation. How could I have missed it before? It was rightthereinfrontofmethewholetime,ascloseastheemptiness,asemptyasthe
emptiness,andasfull.
AlltheZenstoriesRichardhadtoldmecamefloodingback,andIbeganlaughing
and crying uproariously, unable to stop. Finally I fell to the ground, weak with the visionofitall.FortwelveyearsIhadknown,seen,breathedemptiness,andnowit
extended throughout the universe in great tidal waves of empty fullness. That everythingwasunifiedintheemptinessnowseemedlikethemostobviousthingin
theworld,butithadtakensolongformetostumbleonit.Iguessithadstumbledon
itself.
226
Needlesstosay,nothinghaseverbeenthesamesince.Thefactthat“I”nolonger existed, that there was no person anymore, gave way finally and completely to the realizationthatthereisnothingthatisnotmyself.Whatremainswhenthereisnoself isallthatis.
From CollisionwiththeInfinitebySuzanneSegal.
227
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