by Gina Dartt
Addy dropped the menus off. Kate was pleasantly surprised to see a list of low fat alternatives beside the traditional hamburgers, fries, sandwiches and what she heard was probably the best fish and chips in town. She decided on a green salad and something called a chicken wrap. Nikki followed suit, and after Addy took their order and retrieved the menus, they sat staring at each other for so long that they both started to smile.
“I’m sorry. I just like looking at you sometimes.”
“I like looking at you, too.” Kate touched Nikki’s hand fleetingly. She wanted to hold it and would have, but the diner was still a public place, and neither the town nor Nikki was quite ready to defy certain conventions. “Sometimes when we’re in bed and you’re asleep, I watch you. It fills my heart. I could do it all night.” She lowered her voice. “I love you so much. I want to shout it to the world.”
I want to marry you, she almost added, but managed to catch herself before saying it out loud. At the last instant, she realized she wanted to convey such an important revelation in far better surroundings than a downtown diner. She wanted roses and candles and champagne and even a diamond ring if that was required. Nikki was right. Living together was only the first step on a much longer road, and when the time came, Kate intended to do it properly.
To keep from displaying anything prematurely, Kate dug into her jacket packet and pulled out a small package. She had retrieved it from the console of the SUV before coming into the diner, and now she slid it across the table.
“This is for you. I was going to save it for your birthday, but all things considered, maybe you should have it now.”
After Nikki accepted the present and stripped away the wrapping paper, she looked blank as she uncovered the box. “A cell phone?”
Kate folded her hands on the table. “The first three months are paid for. I just…I want you to be able to call me or someone else if anything happens. Just in case, you know?”
Nikki hesitated, then finally smiled. “A cellular might come in handy now and again. It’s a really thoughtful gift.”
“Do you know how to use it?”
“I’ll figure it out.” She unfolded the sheet of instructions and scanned it intently.
Kate was fascinated. She had never met anyone who actually read the instructions to something electronic before poking and prodding first.
Nikki caught her eye. “Thank you for this,” she said, this time with more enthusiasm. “It means a lot to me.”
“You’re very welcome.”
Kate would have said more, but their meals arrived and it was too difficult to talk and eat while pieces of grilled chicken breast, peppers, onions, tomatoes, and lettuce kept spilling from the pita wrap. Both she and Nikki became occupied with the challenge, laughing occasionally as they caught each other’s eye while trying not to lose most of their meal onto their laps.
Kate knew without a doubt that she wanted to spend all her future Sundays just like this one.
Chapter Twenty-four
Nikki frowned at the small phone lying on the table by the door and shrugged as she picked it up and shoved it into her inside jacket pocket. She had never found much use for the pesky little electronic devices that seemed to sprout from everyone’s ear like some insidious technological growth, but she suspected it had been as much a gift for Kate as from her. A part of Nikki resisted the idea of Kate wanting to keep tabs on her via the cell phone, but on the other hand, considering what all their recent arguments had been about, it seemed fairly reasonable to go along with it for Kate’s peace of mind.
That Nikki was only going over to the grocery store a block away didn’t dissuade her from taking it along. She should probably start carrying it with her everywhere. Otherwise, she might forget it at some crucial time, thus making it useless and angering Kate.
Inside the large grocery superstore, Nikki retrieved a basket, glad she had Mondays off to do all her chores. This was the best time to shop, with few lines at the checkouts and plenty of discount bargains on the perishables left over from the weekend. Nikki didn’t stop long at each section where she had to pick up something, from the mushrooms in the produce section to the frozen blueberries at the other end of the store. She lingered at the magazine rack, checking out the books that were twenty-five percent off, though she preferred to buy them at full price at Novel Companions. She started abruptly when she felt a nudge behind her, a sinking sensation developing in the pit of her stomach as she turned to see her sister. She hadn’t seen Julie face-to-face for over a year, thanks mostly to good luck and a little planning. She certainly hadn’t expected to see her today.
Julie shared Nikki’s light hair, but not her blue eyes, possessing brown ones instead, set beneath dark brows. Her face was plump but not pleasant, mostly because of the way she set her mouth, as if she constantly tasted something sour. She had become increasingly more portly since her marriage, and she was obviously eyeing Nikki’s sleek form with disapproval and a touch of jealousy. Perched in the grocery cart, Julie’s youngest stared at Nikki with wide eyes, undoubtedly seeing only a stranger rather than his aunt, chocolate smearing his face from the cookie clutched in his hand.
“I hear you and your girlfriend dropped by Mom and Dad’s a few weeks ago.”
Nikki couldn’t quite tell if Julie’s tone was spiteful or humdrum.
“That’s right. We took the canoe back after the camping trip, and Mom invited us in for supper.” Nikki was still recovering from that encounter. Her parents had been completely charmed by Kate, the three of them getting along like gangbusters as she watched in absolute amazement. Nikki wasn’t sure what this portended, but it was a vast improvement over how she’d imagined their introduction might go.
“How can you parade your perverted lifestyle in front of them like that?”
So it had been spiteful on Julie’s part. Nikki was somewhat relieved. She would have hated to think that her sister had mellowed significantly during the previous year, and she had missed the cause of it.
“Mom and Dad didn’t seem to mind. In fact, they invited us back for a barbeque on Canada Day. They seemed to like Kate a lot.”
She knew that one would really stick in her sister’s craw since their parents barely tolerated Julie’s husband. The very first time Julie had brought him home, Roderick, a local lawyer with aspirations for politics, had displayed a sort of condescending disdain for farm life that had immediately put him on Lorne’s bad side. Relations hadn’t improved much from there.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Julie insisted. “They were just being polite because she was a stranger.”
“Polite is all they are with Rod. If it’s good enough for you, it’s more than good enough for me.” Nikki paused, not only had they been far more than just polite to Kate, they had made Nikki feel accepted in a totally new way, even though it was Kate to whom they were so warm. “What do you care anyway, Julie? We’re not off to visit you in the near future.”
“You wouldn’t be invited,” Julie said coldly.
Nikki thought that Julie might change her mind, particularly if Roderick realized how much influence Kate held in the town. Nikki was surprised she wasn’t as upset by Julie as usual. Had time distanced her so much from this sibling viciousness that it no longer affected her? Or had something else changed? Was she grown up enough to look at her sister and realize where the spite was coming from? Come to think of it, hadn’t Kate told her that people only acted like that because they were miserable and wanted to spread the misery around?
Nikki scrutinized her sister more closely and saw a remarkably unhappy individual. Was it her marriage? The four kids? What had really etched that discomfort around her narrowed eyes and pinched the lines around her mouth, or had those always been there?
“You have a nice day, Julie,” Nikki said dryly, deciding their conversation wasn’t worth pursuing. “I have to finish my shopping and go home before Kate gets off work. We’re having dinner together.”
The shock an
d displeasure in Julie’s eyes was more satisfying to Nikki than it probably should have been, yet at the same time, seeing her sister again saddened her. As she stood in the checkout line, she found herself reexamining her life. Once she and Julie had gotten along. At least, Nikki thought they had, even if she didn’t remember it clearly. She acknowledged that being the oldest in the family probably held its own stresses, though it hadn’t prevented Julie from lording it over Jeffery and Nikki. She probably would have tried to bully Jaime as well, if he hadn’t totally ignored her most of the time.
Or had he?
Nikki caught her breath at the thought of her younger brother, the one the family rarely spoke of. For a moment, she faltered in her stride, the memories affecting her in a way Julie no longer seemed able to. Was that the real reason she and Julie had avoided seeing each other? To avoid thinking of the sibling that wasn’t there? She wondered how different her life would have been had Jaime had lived or, better yet, if he had only decided that life had been worth living.
She wanted to blame Julie and Jeff, just as Julie had blamed her after the funeral, but it was futile. No one really knew why he had done it. Most of the time, Nikki kept the memories buried, but lately, they seemed to pop into her mind more and more. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she was surprised that she had somehow returned home without remembering much of the walk, unlocking the door automatically, and carrying her groceries into the kitchen where she dropped them on the counter.
*
By the time Kate arrived from the bookstore, Nikki had a casserole baking in the oven and the table set in the tiny dining area between the kitchen and the living room. Predictably, Kate had brought a bottle of wine to go with dinner because she knew she was unlikely to find any at Nikki’s. Dinner was delicious, but Nikki couldn’t find much to say. Relaxing in the living room in front of the television after doing the dishes, Kate snuggled against Nikki and drew her face to her with a finger beneath her chin.
“What’s wrong?” she asked softly.
Nikki shook her head. “Nothing.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Nikki hesitated, before bending her head in a sort of surrender. “I ran into my sister today at the grocery store.”
Kate knew Nikki didn’t get along with her siblings, but wasn’t aware of the details. She probably thought it was because Nikki was gay, and while that was part of the reason, Nikki had never told her the rest. She had never wanted to. It was far too painful, and she wasn’t sure what sharing it would accomplish other than upset Kate as well. “Was she very unpleasant to you?”
“She was her usual charming self.” Nikki closed her eyes and rested her cheek against Kate’s soft mat of auburn hair. “I don’t really want to talk about her. She was awful when I was kid, and I don’t want her to affect me now that I’m an adult.”
Kate hugged her lightly. “Was she really that bad, or are you blowing it out of proportion from a kid’s point of view?”
Nikki sighed. Obviously, Kate wasn’t going to let it go as easily as she had hoped. “When Julie was nine, she yanked me out of the stroller, threw me on the floor, and then tried to run me over with it. It’s one of the favorite family stories that Mom and Dad pass on. I’m surprised they didn’t share it with you.”
Startled, Kate let out a sound, half laughter, half in shock.
“I’m serious.” Nikki smiled faintly despite her feelings. It was funny in an absurd, tragic way. “For whatever reason, she really resented me. Mom wouldn’t dare leave me alone with her, and, later, Julie only babysat us if Jeff was there, too.”
Kate caught it immediately, of course.
“Us?” She drew back from the embrace so she could look at Nikki. “I thought it was only you, Julie, and Jeff.”
“Yeah, well…I guess I never told you about Jaime, did I?”
Kate frowned. “No. Who is…he? She?”
“He.” Nikki paused. “He was my younger brother.”
“‘Was’?” Kate’s voice was very gentle.
Nikki swallowed hard. “He…died when I was fifteen. He’d just turned fourteen.”
Kate was silent for a moment, absorbing Nikki’s words as she stared at her. “I’m sorry. How…” she began delicately, and then stopped.
Nikki hesitated, finding it difficult to form the words. “He hanged himself in the barn.”
Kate immediately swept her up in an embrace, holding her tightly. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry, darling,” she said, her voice ragged. “I didn’t know.”
Nikki accepted the embrace, clinging to Kate tightly. “We don’t talk about it much. It’s been over ten years now.” She managed a weak shrug. “It’s okay.”
“I don’t think it is.” Kate brushed her lips over Nikki’s ear. “Otherwise, you probably would have told me about it before now.”
Nikki pulled away. Not abruptly but enough to grant some distance between her and her lover, suddenly feeling smothered, as if the air had become too thick to breathe. “Can we talk about something else?” She didn’t like the edge in her tone, but was unable to suppress it entirely.
“Of course. If that’s what you want.”
“It is.” Nikki grabbed the remote off the coffee table and started flipping through the channels, hoping to find something on which to focus her attention. Beside her, Kate stayed silent, either waiting for Nikki to settle on something or considering what she would say next.
“Nikki?”
“Yeah?”
“Why does your name start with an ‘N’ when all the rest start with ‘J’?”
Nikki was surprised by the question. Whatever she thought Kate might have wanted to ask, that certainly wasn’t it. “Nicole is actually my middle name. When I was five, I demanded that everyone call me by it rather than my first name, just to be different.” She rolled her eyes briefly. “That just sort of sums up me and my family. I was always apart from them, in more ways than one.”
“I never knew that.” Kate put her hand on Nikki’s forearm. “May I ask what it is?”
Nikki didn’t want to answer but decided that it was probably time to share that as well. “Jessica. I’ve never liked it.”
Kate didn’t seem to agree, but she nodded.
“Don’t you ever call me that” Nikki eyed her sternly.
“I promise.”
Nikki was silent a moment. “What’s yours?”
“I’m Kathryn Marie. Dad always called me Katie, then it was shortened to Kate, and, well, here I am.”
“Here you are.” Nikki glanced at her. “I’m really glad you are.”
“I am too.” Kate leaned over and kissed Nikki lightly. “I’ll be here forever, my darling. I’ll never let you go.”
For the moment, because she needed to, Nikki let herself believe Kate’s words without reservation.
Chapter Twenty-five
Kate adjusted her glasses as she looked up from a psychology book about teenage suicide and its effects on surviving family members. She hoped that she could learn something if she just kept at it. Books usually helped her figure out what she was experiencing, as well as how to deal with what others were going through. Nikki’s revelation had jolted her, and what she had read so far frightened her. She grieved for Nikki and for her brother whom Kate would never have a chance to know.
So much goes on behind the masks people wear, she thought. So much that can’t be detected until too late.
The tinkle of the bell over the door prevented her from resuming her research, and she hastily shut the book, slipping it beneath the counter. She glanced up expectantly at her new customer, except she doubted that Denise Elliot was here searching for the latest bestseller, and she tried not to frown. Moving around the counter, she greeted the woman who stood uncomfortably next to the magazine rack. Dressed in a modest blue dress and black blazer, she had deep stress lines around her dark eyes. Her brunette hair fell lank to her shoulders, as if she found time to wash and brush it, but not do anything else with it.
>
“Denise? Can I help you?”
“I don’t know. I was talking to Irene—”
“Say no more.” Kate held up her hand, tasting something sour in her throat. “Did she tell you to talk to me?”
“Actually, she thought perhaps you could offer some advice.”
Kate was seriously annoyed with her grandmother, but she motioned to the spare stool behind the counter. “Coffee?” She moved over to the pot. She needed it even if Denise didn’t.
“Please. Double cream and two sugars.”
Kate winced at the desecration of a perfectly good cup of black coffee, but added the requested items and took the steaming mug over to Denise, who sipped it immediately.
“What’s going on?” Kate noticed that Denise’s fingers were trembling slightly as she wrapped them around the mug.
“I think I’ve found something, but no one wants to hear about it.”
“What?”
Denise pulled a letter from her purse. Kate recognized the government letterhead of Revenue Canada. Never a good sign for a business, she thought as she unfolded the rest of it and began to read, but it simply requested verification on social insurance numbers for some employees concerning their T-4 slips. Granted, it was a second request and a little more forceful than the initial letter, but sometimes that happened. Certainly, for a company the size of Elliot Manufacturing, somebody had taken a little too long to track down all the numbers before the government computer issued a follow-up. Puzzled, Kate glanced up at Denise.
“I’m not sure what’s wrong. This is just a request for verification. It’s pretty standard during tax season. What are you doing with it?” She knew Denise stopped working after marrying Stephen, which was no big surprise. Before that, she had been his secretary.
“I found it locked in his desk at home when I cleaned it out last week.” Denise’s face was troubled. “Kate, Stephen didn’t handle payroll. He was the president, not the accountant.”