Obscurati

by Wynn Wagner

“I think you need some time off. I have a boat, you know, and Pierre is taking Hamlet on a trip.”

  “I know.”

  “Pierre and Hamlet,” she laughed. “Would you fill me in on that some day? Pierre won’t tell me anything, and I find the whole thing… um… intriguing.”

  “Intriguing,” I said. “More like friggin’ bizarre, if you ask me.”

  “Would you and Oberon consider going with them? I think maybe Pierre needs some adult supervision.”

  “Hamlet can take care of himself, Your Majesty.”

  “Quite so. Pierre, do you think you can be ready to go in a couple of days?”

  “Um, I don’t see why not. I will ask Hamlet.”

  “Let me take care of Menz,” the queen said. “Pack enough clothes for a month. Pierre, why don’t you go and alert the crew of the yacht and round up some human donors who want to go. Mårten, we will make room for at least fifteen or twenty of the humans at Menz’s estate if any want to go.”

  “Holy shit,” I said. “Sorry, ma’am, pardon the language. You must have a really big yacht.”

  “When you see it, it will blow your fucking mind,” said the queen with a chuckle. “Pierre, off you go now. Mårten and I have another matter.”

  “Ma’am.”

  When we were alone, she said, “What is this thing with Pierre and Hamlet?”

  “I have no idea. They spend a lot of time with each other, but I don’t think they’ve ever had any sex.”

  “Friends?”

  “More than that,” I said, “but I don’t exactly know what.”

  “I’ve known Pierre for almost a thousand years, and he has always been something of a ladies’ man.”

  “Hamlet is almost a lady.”

  “Natürlich, aber mit einem Schwanz,” the queen laughed, “and he doesn’t fight like any lady I’ve ever seen.”

  “I told Pierre that if he hurts Hamlet, he’ll have to answer to me.”

  “Well, if he hurts Hamlet, you won’t get the chance to do anything.”

  “Ma’am?”

  “If he hurts Hamlet, he has to answer to me,” she said with a smile.

  “When I find out what’s going on, I’ll let you know.”

  She nodded.

  “One request,” I said. “Could you see if Pierre could mainly pick gay humans for donors?”

  “Is their blood better?”

  “Not at all, but I have a completely over-sexed husband. Oberon will completely wear me out if he doesn’t have a larger menu to….”

  She put up her hand and stood up. I stood up too. Do I follow? Do I wait for Pierre to return?

  “You follow,” she said with a smile. She could read my mind. “I can read it like an open book, Mårten.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  When the biometric box snapped to life and opened the door, the queen motioned for me to go downward. I think she probably went up, but I found myself alone in the shaft. How was I going to get out?

  “Go to the lobby,” Pierre said in my head. “Your code is 339795. Just type it in and let the biometric box scan your retina.”

  “You have my…?” I thought.

  “Eye? No, but this time the computer will be memorizing your retina. Just remember your code.”

  “You are freaky-scary sometimes.”

  “Sometimes?” Pierre sounded insulted in his mind-words. “The trip is set for… wait….”

  There was silence for a half minute.

  “Yes, I will make sure that all or most of the human donors are gay and male.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Hamlet and Oberon know.”

  “And when I get back to Munich, Hamlet will be completely stressed out on what he should wear. Any suggestions? I mean, do I get him to butch it up a little for you?”

  “No,” Pierre said in my head. “I am very happy to be seen anywhere with Hamlet. If anybody doesn’t like his frills, then that person will have real problems with me.”

  “Hamlet can take care of himself, you know. He actually likes fighting bullies.”

  “Good to know. Thanks.”

  Chapter 12

  WHEN I got back to Bavaria, I went directly to the basement and got a kilogram of gold. I told Oberon, using mind-words, that I needed a few minutes with Menz.

  Menz was in the library with Paco. They were both reading. I floated up to him and handed him the gold bar.

  “Business must be good,” he said with a wink.

  “I’ve been a freeloader for a hundred years, and Pierre said I ought to pay my way when possible.”

  “Not really necessary,” Menz chuckled. “You and Oberon don’t cost much, except for some really strange stains on the bed linens.”

  I blushed.

  “Thank you,” Menz said.

  “While I’m in a giving mood, what can I do for the humans here?”

  “The newest version of the iPad,” Paco said. “Give each one an iPad, and even the straight ones will cream in their pants.”

  “What’s that a month?” Menz asked.

  “Nothing. You’re thinking of the iPhone. The iPad looks like a big iPhone, but it is really a combination iPod and computer and TV. You can get them with or without the phone part, so get the one without.”

  “I feel like a Luddite sometimes,” Menz said. “We were using papyrus and lambskin when I was a kid.”

  “Where do I get these iPods?” I asked.

  “iPad, not iPod,” Paco said. “Apple’s web site. Let me know when you are getting them, and I’ll come help. There’re several versions now.”

  “Merci, Paco,” I said. “You know about the boat trip?”

  Menz nodded, and I was off to the bedroom.

  I told Oberon everything that had happened. He already knew about the yacht trip. When I told him about how much killing that little kid had hurt me, he just held me. He didn’t have to say anything. No words could have made things right, but he seemed pleased that the queen would try to get me access to any bastard vampires that turned kids in the future.

  I told him about the banker. He reached over and gave me his BlackBerry.

  “Now?” I asked.

  “Why not? Pierre said she is used to doing banking at night.”

  I dialed, but it didn’t work.

  “Country code,” Oberon said. I’d forgot that Switzerland was a different country. I can get there in just a few seconds, so I think of it as just down the street.

  “Schmidt,” said the woman’s voice on the other end of the phone.

  “I apologize for the hour,” I said. “Is English okay?”

  “Certainly.”

  “I’m Mårten Larsson. Pierre—”

  “Yes, Pierre,” she said. I was glad, because I don’t think I even know his last name. “He told me that you would be calling.”

  “He did?”

  “Don’t worry. I know about Pierre and the queen, and I am as challenged by daylight as you are. Our bank has been open for vampires for hundreds of years. How may I help you?”

  “I have more gold than I can protect, so I would like to get that in the bank.”

  “I can meet you at the bank in ten minutes if you want.”

  “Tonight?”

  “Sure, if you want,” she said. “We are in Zürich.”

  “Is tomorrow just as good?”

  “Whenever you wish. I will be here personally or have someone else to meet with you personally. Pierre also said you need some credit cards or debit cards.”

  “This is all new to me,” I admitted.

  “How much gold will you be bringing?”

  “Umm, about… ah… six hundred fifty kilograms.”

  “That is an enormous amount of gold, Mr. Larsson.”

  “Mårten, please.”

  “Would you rather I dispatch an armored truck to pick up the gold for you?”

  Oberon could hear her on the BlackBerry. He thought about it, but shook his head.

  “No, I have help. There wil
l be two of us.”

  “That is worth a little over a million and a half euros, Mårten. I insist on sending a truck.”

  “We can….”

  “You don’t understand,” she said. “I’m sure you can lift that much gold, but there aren’t many containers strong enough to stand up to the trip across the Alps. If your bag gives way, it will make a mess on the ground. If you are over a city, the queen is going to be upset, and….”

  “Points well taken. Do you know the Menz estate in Bavaria?”

  “Oh, Menz and I go back four or five hundred years. You are about three hundred kilometers away. It is about a four-hour trip for the truck. I will have it there at sunset tomorrow. You don’t worry about anything. I will meet you at Menz’s house, and I will have all the paperwork and credit cards.”

  “Okay, then.” I didn’t have anything else to say.

  “I’ve done this many times,” she said. “Don’t worry about anything. See you tomorrow. I look forward to seeing Menz again and meeting your husband.”

  She was gone without even a click.

  I guess being a vampire is like living in a small village. There are few secrets. She knew Menz and she knew about Oberon.

  “Maybe we should go tell Menz about the company.”

  We walked into the library. Paco wasn’t there.

  “Schmidt is coming, and she is sending a truck ahead,” I said.

  “I know. I really need to teach you how to shield conversations. I know enough not to ask dangerous questions with the two of you, but if others know, it could be dangerous or fatal to you and to them.” Then Menz changed the subject. “A million and a half euros is a lot of money,” he said. “Do you know what you want to do with it?”

  “Put it in the bank?”

  “Oy,” he said, shaking his head. “You really did just fall off a rhubarb truck.”

  “Turnip truck.”

  “Whatever truck,” he laughed. “Are you going to put everything in one account or split it between the two of you?”

  We just looked at each other.

  “One account gives you both access to everything, but if one of you goes out and buys a jet or a small country or something, the other will be annoyed or worse.”

  “I never thought about….”

  “You have some decisions to make tonight. All that gold is here in the house?”

  I nodded.

  “Too much gold. It invites trouble. You should have told me.”

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. You’re fixing it now. You need to have some of it invested in something other than a vault.”

  “Suggestions?”

  “Not really,” Menz said. He thought about it for a while. “A million and a half really is one of the bank’s smaller accounts.”

  “Then why are we getting this kind of treatment?”

  “She wants your business. She doesn’t really know who you are, which means you haven’t been in the gold-earning business very long. She isn’t stupid, and you can assume that she knows where the gold is coming from. Add all that together, and she is predicting you will be building up your account really fast.”

  “What should I wear?” Oberon asked.

  “When you are opening an account, you could be nude and she would never complain.” Menz chuckled. “Dress just like you are. You don’t have to impress anybody. That much gold will do all the impressing that needs to happen. Is it at least locked up?”

  Oberon nodded. “And it is hidden and out of the way.”

  “Well,” Menz said, “I am glad we’re getting it out of the house. I have a large safe. Can we at least put it all in there for the night?”

  “Sure.”

  Menz walked over to some bookshelves and pushed on one of the books. The whole wall opened up, and there was a big vault door.

  “Jesus,” I said. “When did you get that?”

  “Um, 1890, I think.”

  “I never even knew….”

  “No, and nobody else does either. Not knowing is the best security there is. Now, you go get the bullion while I open the door and make some space.”

  Oberon and I got some duffel bags. I was glad Schmidt had arranged for the truck. It took us about a dozen trips to the basement to get all the gold bars. I was wrong with the count. We had 894 kilograms. I got dizzy trying to convert: first to ounces, because I knew the price of an ounce of gold, and then from dollars to….

  “Holy shit,” I told Oberon. “This is over two million euros.”

  “Not bad for a few months of work.”

  When we had the vault loaded, Menz said, “You two must be really good at whatever they have you doing.”

  “Hamlet does some odd jobs too,” I said. “I don’t know anything about what he does or how much he gets paid.”

  “I will ask him about any bullion stored here,” Menz said. “It’s my house, and I really need to know about any security issues.”

  “Hamlet!” Menz said in mind-words. “Are you around the house?”

  “Yeah,” he said, walking into the library.

  “Excited about the trip?”

  “Nervous.”

  “Listen, I know you do odd jobs for the queen. That’s your business, and I don’t want to know any details.”

  He waited to see if Hamlet was going to freak out.

  “I know that the queen pays well, and it is usually in gold.”

  “Okay,” Hamlet said, not really sure he ought to be talking about it.

  “Here’s the deal. You are leaving on a long trip. If you have stashed any bullion around the house, I need you to do one of two things with it.”

  “I’m listening,” Hamlet whispered.

  “First, I have a large walk-in vault here. You can put it in there, and we’ll give you a receipt for it.”

  “I trust you.”

  “Still, I will give you a receipt. Maybe a better choice is a bank. There is going to be an armored truck arriving here from a Swiss bank. It will be here just after sunset tomorrow. My banker from Switzerland will also be here. I’ve known her for hundreds of years, and she is as trustworthy as they come. What I would really suggest is that you let her take whatever bullion you have back to Switzerland in the armored truck. It is insured and bonded, and the gold will be much safer there. Having bullion here in my house is a little bit of a security problem.”

  “I never thought of that, Menz. I am so sorry. I mean….”

  “It’s okay, Hamlet. You’re just not used to the queen’s pay rate yet. The banker will take good care of you.”

  “That would be wonderful.”

  Menz said, “I want you to go and fetch all your bullion. The vault is here in the library. When you get back, I will have it open and ready. Let’s keep it in the vault for the day and give it to the bankers tomorrow.”

  “Fine,” Hamlet said.

  Menz stopped him. “I should really call the banker and tell her to expect a new customer. Is that okay?”

  “Um… sure….” And he was gone.

  Menz started to open the vault again.

  “Should you both be in here?” he said.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “If he brings a ton of gold, are you going to be jealous?”

  “No,” Oberon said. “Hamlet deserves whatever he can get.”

  “Okay, if he just brings a little gold, are you going to be angry that he isn’t paid as much as you are?”

  “There are two of us,” I said, “and I am really good at what I do.”

  “I know,” Menz said.

  “You aren’t supposed to know.”

  He just grinned. Hamlet brought several hundred kilograms of gold bars. It was about half the amount that Oberon and I had, so the pay rate was about the same. I don’t really know what Hamlet does, but I’m sure it involves martial arts. He could be an interior designer, but I don’t think that pays as much.

  “Schmidt,” Menz said on the phone.

  “Fine,” he said. �
��Good to hear your voice.”

  She spoke, and nobody could hear the other side. That’s weird, because vampire hearing is really strong. Maybe the phone was just a ruse, and they were really talking using shielded mind-words. I wouldn’t put it past Menz.

  “Schmidt, listen, we have a couple of things going on that you should know about. First of all, the original count of bars was low…. Uh-huh. That’s right.”

  He didn’t say the number of gold bars that Oberon and I had, so he was having the actual conversation using mind-words. Menz was good.

  “Really good,” Menz said.

  Shit, he could talk with Schmidt and still get into my own thoughts.

  “Richter,” Menz said. “Oberon Richter. Ja, und eine weitere… nein, Richter… R-I-C-H-T-E-R. Ja, and there is an additional person. His name is Hamlet Lehmann, and he also wants to open an account.”

  There was a pause of a couple of minutes.

  “That will be wonderful. Thanks, Schmidt. We will all see you tomorrow.”

  Menz hung up the phone, even though it was probably not in use during the conversation.

  “Hamlet, the banker will bring papers for you to sign to open up your account. She will also have a credit card with your name on it. You can use it just like a credit card anywhere in the world, but all the charges are taken out of your account. You aren’t really charging anything.”

  They talked about investments. Hamlet was interested. Oberon was interested. I was bored out of my friggin’ mind—it was so basic compared to what I knew already—but we probably needed to have the discussion before Schmidt arrived.

  Chapter 13

  THE armored truck was on time. It was pulling into the service entrance just as Oberon and I finished feeding.

  My poor husband was going to have to do without his breakfast fuck today. We had business.

  When we got to the library, Menz and Hamlet were already there. Several men in uniforms and guns were there. Menz and Hamlet were bringing gold bars out of the walk-in vault on rolling carts. Each cartload was twenty bars or so.

  We’ll be here forever at this rate.

  “Patience,” Menz said in my head. “We make sure that the guards get a good count of each bar. It’s what they do, because they’re responsible for the gold.”

  “Sorry.”